Trying to do the Right Thing

[dallas1234]

OK, here's the deal. I've been married for 10 years, and I have 2 kids. One is 4 years old and one 18 months. My wife and I have a good marriage, a good life, and have dreams of building a dream house on our dream property in 1-2 years. Life is good, except...I had an affair about 9 months ago, which lasted for 4 months. This affair was with my first love from high school. We had dated in school for about a year, and broke up due to what we found out 9 months ago was a misunderstanding. I had often thought about her the past 25 years, and wondered how her life turned out. I'd been looking for an email address or a phone number for her in the local paper for many years, and came accross an email address, and contacted her. She has been married for 22 years, and we basically picked up where we left off, and had an affair. Neither one of us were proud of what we did, and decided that we either needed to stay committed to each other, or to our spouses. She wanted to divorce her husband to be with me, and I wanted to do the same with my wife, but after some debate, I decided to stay with my wife for the sake of my kids. She respected my decision, and told me that if I changed my mind, she would be waiting for me. The 5 months since the affair was stopped, I have recommitted myself to my marriage. I've talked and communicated with my wife (about everything except the affair I had, because she has told me repeatedly in the past that if I ever had an affair, she would divorce me, no questions asked), asked what she needed from me, and I did the same. We have done everything we can to make this marriage great. She now says that she has never felt so close to me as she has the last 5 months. Everything seems to great right? Wrong. For the last 5 months, every 5 minutes, I'm thinking about the woman whom I had the affair with. The passion that her and I have can not be attained by my wife and I. Not in the last 5 months, not the last 5 years, not ever. My wife and I are just not capable of achieving it. There is truly a connection between my ex and I that my wife and I have never attained, and after 11 years, suffice to say will never attain. I contacted my ex girlfriend, for the first time in 5 months, to see how she was doing, and she says she is still waiting for me. She too thinks about me all the time.

My question is: My mind made the decision to break off the affair 5 months ago, yet my heart is still engaged with my ex. What do I do? Continue to live a lie with my wife, or be honest with my wife and end our marriage.

 

Signed,

In a mess

[ForAnother]

Wow.

 

Very very hard decision... either way is not only life altering, but a gamble too.

 

I think you need to consider... what is passion and what is love first.

 

Second I think seeing a councellor is a great idea. They will give you the "typical" scenarios that happen.

 

Third, i think you need to consider what lying and cheating is. You could do the "how would it feel if she cheated on me" however thats hard to do because you seem to have lost that flare in the relationship between you and your wife.

 

Passion is great, for a year... but passion does die... and perhaps while you and your ex are dating, you find another love that comes by?

 

You and your ex have been wanting each other essentially for 25 years... there is a lot of passion built up, and it must get your heart pumping like no other... so your like a kid in a candy store, but sometimes too much sugar will rot your teeth.

 

Im sure you've thought of all this, and weighed out your wife vs ex girl... the ball is in your court.

 

I think that most people will reply "You cheated on your wife, and you should tell her." Yes that would be the "right" thing to do... but how YOU handle it, is how YOU do it.

 

Im only 20, so perhaps I don't have too much say, but thats how I feel.

 

-ForAnother

[fishrrshortae]

Honestly, while your affair may have been exciting, reality is less so. Of course you feel passion for the other woman! She hasn't raised your kids, or agonized over bills with you, or stuck with you for a decade. I don't know how much of a "connection" you would have felt with this other woman after 10 years and 2 children.

 

Either way, you were the one seeking her out, and you found her. In the meantime, your wife is sitting there thinking everything is fine and lovely in her marriage, and you are disrespecting her by being dishonest. The least you could do is level with her, at this point, about what is going on. Otherwise, when she finds out, it will be out of the blue. I think you owe the mother of your children much, much more than that.

 

Will she divorce you? Maybe, maybe not. Either way, you have kids to think about, so try to remember that the next time you're mulling over the lack of a "connection" in your marriage.

 

I also question how dedicated you are to working on your relationship with your wife. I mean, you DID call the other woman again just to make sure where she stood on the whole issue. What would you have done if she had said she was no longer interested in you? Would you leave your wife, or would you stay with her so you aren't alone?

[ForAnother]

Hmm, harsh but true. Especially the idea of "you've committed to a marriage and even FURTHERMORE children."

 

You'd destroy your wife. Can you let that weigh on ur conscious? That may end up destroying you whilst trying to form the relationsip with the ex.

 

Edit: Oh and told you someone would say "tell your wife". hmmm.. its a catch-22. Which will you choose?

 

If you told your wife, she will divorce you, and you could then be with your ex. It would prove you are trying to at least be somewhat honest... which could help.

 

-ForAnother

[fishrrshortae]

Personally, I think it's a little ridiculous to break up an otherwise normal family because you don't feel a "spark" after 10 years and 2 small children. The effects of divorce are devastating. I'm sorry if my opinion comes accross as harsh, but I stand by it because I don't feel that OP is looking beyond his... sex drive.

[dallas1234]

Hey, I'm trying to make it work with my wife. I realized 5 months ago that that was what I was going to try to do, and have been doing it. I had an affair, and I'm trying to put it behind me the best I can, but I can't help it that I keep thinking about this other woman. Yes ForAnother, it is a catch22, if I tell my wife, the decision is made for me. If I don't tell her, and I keep thinking about my ex, do I let this go on for a year? Two years?

[fishrrshortae]

Is it possible that you are being unrealistic about your attraction to this woman? Sometimes the fantasy is much better than the reality..

I mean, after all, this is a woman who without blinking an eye, would rip her own family apart to be with you. Need I make another point about her values? I mean frankly, knowing that someone would be willing to do that to their family shouldnt be a turn-on. It should be, what we here at ENA like to call, a big red flag.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Heres my take,

What you did 5 mouths ago was 100% the right thing, you have a good, wife and good marrage and 2 grate kids. You can see this and acted in the right way in my book. Your old love is just that old an from the past you bonded to her all thows years ago, but as you know you have new bonds to your children now and they need you for more then her. Like I say all this you know but its the flash of feeling that keeps hitting you thats driving you mad.

That endless what if,

 

If it was me in your place, I would walk away from my old love not just in my mind but also in body, I would look to take my family away from the place where all this is going on, set my self the chaleng of starting a new life out of state or in over seas. Look to fill my life with making a new start.

 

I think you all ready know what you have to do here,

Family 1st and for most.

 

"If wishs where fishs we would all cast nets"

[ForAnother]

You committed to her, because something you loved about her. A random woman stealing the spark is odd, but because you knew her a long time ago... it adds a twist.

 

I feel as though you've committed to something and its wrong to turn around and deny it.

 

yet its wrong for your wife not to know of course.

 

In some respects I feel like you already made your decision by having an affair... I think you should divorce your wife... and even if this woman and yourself don't live a happy life, you will always find more fish in the sea i suppose.

 

-ForAnother

[dallas1234]

Don't forget...I decided to end the affair and go back to my wife for the sake of the kids. If the kids weren't in the picture, there would be no debate...I would be with my ex.

And fishrrshortae, I appreciate your replies, but that Big Red Flag isn't anything to worry about. She has been married 22 years you know, so she has some values.

[Entomon]

I'm not going to say much since pretty much what I want to say has already been said by fishrrshortae. I share her sentiments. Though I'll leave you with this - the conscience becomes free of guilt by doing the right thing.

[theantibarbie23]

The thing about these situations is that you can not compare your wife and affair partner. The affair partner has not been there raising your kids, cleaning your house, worrying over bills, you only see her at her best, the way people do in a new relationship. It's not realistic, however, and once the affair becomes a full blown relationship, the relationship usually crumbles faster than a cookie in milk.

 

Don't also assume that your affair partner has good values and morals because she has been married for 22 years ethier. You honestly do not know what she has done during her marriage. You'd be foolish to believe anything she tells you about her marriage. She is a liar, has problems with boundaries, and posesses a lack of loyalty. You know this for a fact as she lies to her husband and cheats on him. You need to stop seeing this woman through rose colored glasses.

 

You said that you had a good life before this happened and are considering throwing that away for something that has less than a 10% chance of working out. It's time to seek out Marriage Counselling. The both of you need to work on getting your marriage back to what it should be. Relationships are NOT easy for anyone nor are they meant to be.

 

You can ethier make a success of what you have or virtually cripple your relationship by holding onto a fantasy. The choice is yours.

[fishrrshortae]

I don't understand.. how does her being married for 22 years make her values better?? I would think that it would make her logic worse, throwing away a family that she built herself 22 years ago.

 

She is a liar, has problems with boundaries, and posesses a lack of loyalty. You know this for a fact as she lies to her husband and cheats on him. You need to stop seeing this woman through rose colored glasses.

 

Agree with antibarbie ...

 

But Dallas, you said that you'd be gone if there were no kids. Then you might as well do it, because in your noble quest to do the right thing, you're also being kind of a jerk by not being honest with everyone involved...

[doyathink]

I have two simple questions, If you had never rekindled this relationship with your ex,

1. would you have had an affair with another women?

2. would you have thought about leaving your wife anyway?

 

Altho the grass some times seems greener on the other side and most of us get tempted to check it out, it usually isn't the case after we have jumped the fence and sampled it for awhile.

 

You have never 'set up house' with this old flame so you have no idea how you will feel if you do leave your wife and nestle down with the ex. You also need to remember that you both have been married to other ppl for quite some time and from the sounds of the time frame your not kids anymore. You have both become 'set in your own ways' and it's hard to 'change' oneself and mold into another way of life. You really have no idea how 'compatible' you are living together!

 

An affair contains the fantasies and bliss of the unknown and the 'what if's' that a committed relationship will lose over time! Remember that! After a couple of years with each other your feelings may change and she may not be the 'love of your life that got away' anymore! Have you even thought about why you two didn't get married in the first place, there may be good reason that you didn't.

 

When two ppl decide to get married it's not just about you anymore. Your being selfish about your own wants and desires when you have three other ppl in your life that are counting on you to be there for them---faithfully---!

 

Do as you wish, however, it may come around to bite you in the rear and yes, your wife deserves to know the truth, you would want her to do the same for you if she were the one out getting some strange!

[Oldboy]

Not just three other people: What about your own parents and your wife's? Family, friends, the OP's as well... her husband.

Have you any idea the fall-out that ALWAYS comes with disclosure.

Is the small chance of a relationship with your mistress working out (officially less than one in ten) worth the grief.

Just because you can't get her out of your head.

I can't get Shakira out of my head!

You're bored man. Get a life.

[AutumnBorn]

Dallas, you're not committed to your wife. You're only pretending to be. You're not doing the honorable thing at all. Your wife should have the same choice that you have, but you aren't giving her that option. If anyone should have the right to make the decision, it's her, not you.

 

She SAID she'd divorce you, but in reality it doesn't always happen. In fact, I've known several marriages that have made it through an affair only to grown closer and deeper. (Could also result in one very angry, bitter woman for awhile, but she's got that right, too, and you've earned it, frankly.)

 

Also, I don't necessarily think your old friend will jump up and leave her husband. She SAID she would, but people say all kinds of things.

[twincities]

Dallas

 

I dont know if this thread is still active, but thought I could add a note from someone in a similar situation. I have become involved with my old love of 20+ years ago... and found that we have lived parallel lives in the meantime. We both married our rebound partners - both to disasterous results... we then both married 'reliable' partners, trying to keep strong emotions at bay, and both have kids. And then we found each other last fall... and started by email, then phone, and graduated to seeing each other a few months ago. I am in the same position, trying to decide what to do. I think the right thing is to tell my wife (I have been on that fence for a month now), and then to move out and create some space. I have no desire to move right from one situation to another, and feel the need to give my wife the opportunity to tell me to go to hell, or that she wants to work it out. My wife is my partner in a relationship that has been stumbling... and my soulmate is a woman that I feel connected to (over 1000 miles away), and inexorably drawn to.

 

So, if you want to commiserate about the situation... I can lend an understanding ear. Also, I would like to hear about where you have gone in this... what has happened now, and what would you give as advice given recent events.

 

I hope your situation is improving....

 

TC