To what end?

[Khollest]

The title of this thread may be a bit missleading, I apologize for that. I find the words "To what end" occouring more and more in my thoughts and writing.

 

The idea of ending it now seems pleasant and cheerful compared to the thought of day-to-day living. The idea of not waking up tomorrow, remaining in ignorant black sleep forever and always. The idea almost cheers me up.

 

When I try to bring this up, I do it as subjective as I can. The only response I really get is to the effect of "Their is so much more to be found, to be seen". While I would hope to find such statments fullfilling, they arn't. Some people even offer me a threat, a gloom evil of hell or even the offering of heaven... I do not believe that such places exist, only the Earth the Sun and the stars abound. Even by my own edcit, I shouldn't be here.

 

In honest reflection the only reason I don't follow through is my cat. But, my Cat (Charlies, saddly) won't live forever.

 

Day by day in anguish. Taking pills to dull the pain of what almost killed me a year ago. In pain by both body and mind. No hope of improvment, contentness or even glimpsing of my dreams.

 

I've read a bulk of the other posts in this sections, please...

...please... What can you suggest that may offer a spark of hope? even in my cold isolation. If you have any questions... feel free to ask.

[Rain__man]

All I can say... is that this state of mind is a choice. You can choose to believe that this empty shell of a mind is you, and that this is all the life you will ever have, or you can choose to believe that you are only this way because you haven't found your path... your truth.

 

Go looking for darkness, and it will surround you. Focus on that one speck of light, and you will meet up with it one day.

[Khollest]

There is wisdom in your words Rain__man.

 

I have focused on light, over and over. It always blinks out just when I think it may fill my isolation, lighten my torment. Do you have any idea what lying in a bed for 2 months can do to you. Finding out that when you leave that bed, your schooling dropped you and made your 4 years worthless. To see your family move on and away. To see the only friends you thought you've ever had turn on you. To exist in a system where all you need is a moment to right yourself and all you get is another reminder of your failures.

 

As I've stated, now in conjunction with your words...

...What if the only speck of light I can find is mearly a reflection in the darkness, where my end gives me hope.

[AwdreeHpburn]

The only thing I can think to say is, how will you know its better?

 

i mean, if you change things and experience better, than you'll for sure know. OR, if you experience worse, you'll know better because you'll have worse to compare it to. But if you're nothing, how will you know whether or not you're better off?

[CynicalGuitarist]

I know this may not be comforting at first, but you are far from alone, my friend. I've contemplated ending it all because I always think of myself as essentially useless, and people have given me advice that just makes me feel worse. I'm not really talented, intelligent, strong, or handsome in any sense, but in Pandora's box, all bad things came out. Even though everything bad you can imagine was unleashed, there was something positive; hope.

 

It really does suck to feel alone, though. None of my friends understand how tough it is to be a weakling like me. I can work out all day, do nothing but eat healthy and exercise, and drink tons of water, but I'll still be the pathetic little runt of a human being regardless. I do live for guitar, however. Even if I do suck badly at it (which I do) I realize that it's something that may help me in life.

 

I'm not telling you that you can't be depressed, but please don't kill yourself. If you cave and end it all, you'll be letting the doubt within you win. This is much worse than it sounds. Even though misery is a tough card to handle, I think you are an intelligent person who has potential to do big things. Be as down as you want, let those feelings out, but for Chrissake, please don't kill yourself.

[Rain__man]

Khol, I can't even imagine the situation you're in, so I really don't blame you if this all sounds like high-level advice from a low-level source... but I think that's the beauty of depression. Everyong gets to experience the same feeling of hell on earth (or purgatory, take your pick no matter how bad their situation really is. Just take a little comfort that there are people on this earth in much worse condition than you who can't possibly feel any worse.

 

Making the depression itself my enemy was what worked for me. It's not an instant victory, and victory might not be exactly what you think it will, but if you keep getting up and getting back in the ring... at the least, it can never beat you, can it?

[Luck of the Irish]

I picked up on something you have that's worth sticking around for. It took me all of two seconds. You are very intelligent. Articulate. Use that to help other people in your situation. Or use it for yourself. Use it to pull yourself out of this state of mind that you aren't worth anything. You can be if you use what you have.

[Spugly Fuglet]

A man once rote Khollest some words I find of use when I have a mind set like your, he did so some years back but they help me a lot.

 

To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause: there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life;

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office and the spurns

That patient merit of the unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry,

And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!

The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my sins remember'd

 

 

William Shakespeare - Hamlet.

 

 

I find its good to know that others have looked into our harts befor we where ever born.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

The art of satisfactory living is being OK with the fact that it's pointless.

[mgirl]

I'm actually wondering why you have been in bed for so long and what is wrong with your body?

[Spugly Fuglet]

same here would you loike to tell us, we will not add to your pain we are here to help if we can, see helping you, helps us.

 

Thats why we do this, so let us help if we can

[Rain__man]

The art of satisfactory living is being OK with the fact that it's pointless.

Pointless is just a frame of mind... if nothing else, surviving your own pain gives you the opportunity to help someone else down the road... even if you do it sounding like a know-it-all arrogant * * * * *

[Bethany]

The idea of ending it now seems pleasant and cheerful compared to the thought of day-to-day living. The idea of not waking up tomorrow, remaining in ignorant black sleep forever and always. The idea almost cheers me up.

 

I think a lot of people feel like that at some point in their lives, I know I have. But you know what? We aint going nowhwere, so we may as well face up to our lifes and get on with it.

 

Life's too short to be spending it wishing we were dead and I have found those thoughts even more depressing than living.

 

Changing your thoughts will change your life because all depression is, is a state of mind.

[Spugly Fuglet]

So many of us look out side for a point to our lifes, but it aways comes to use making our own point.