Back again, 1 year later.. Who cares! - FCTex

[FCTex]

So, I've been reading some posts around the boards lately, and while it's a generalization, I've come to realize that it's around the 1 year mark for many people, and for some to come, It's just the start..

 

Generally, for the younger crowd, this is the mid/end of summer for some, and the break ups usually are on higher alert. So in the midst of this "anniversary" if you may, I've got a semi- personal, and somewhat carpe diem post..

 

 

It's been close, to a year, 1 more month to be exact I believe to my break up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years I think it was.

 

Now, over the months, I've seen her. I've slept with her, I've gone on what you could call "dates". All in the messed up sense that she was with someone at the time, and that I was inbetween dating several women openly. It was an utter mess, where we both just clung to the physical aspect of our past, and the missing each other.

 

As time went on, it ended, and start up again it seemed. I liked it for the most part, but was always left empty. I wanted more. She said she did, but never came close to do anything about it. It hurt me more, and more than I thought.

 

I gave up. I loved her, but the love wasn't worth the pain I had to deal with. Nor the lost chances at a prospective future mate that I let pass on each month.

 

As time goes on, we all dwindle in hope, and our wants become less for our future with our exs.. Regardless of situation, most people want thier ex's back in some cases, and more often than not, the dumper's feel regret after time and want to fix their wrongs. Only, they fix them to their guilt free standards and not the dumpee's requests.

 

 

So here I am. I'm in a relationship, not totally satisfied, but I drudge on because it's all I have the time and want for at the moment. But I feel what dumpers feel.. The emptiness before the end.

 

And here I sit, almost 1 year to my break up, and I reflect on this year. How 12 months ago I knew it was falling apart, and shortly after it was gone. How I lost. And how 11 months after the break up. I'm a stronger man. A satisfied man.. A happy to be alone with myself, man..

 

And my ex come back in to my life portrait. She calls more now. I assume she's still with her boyfriend, I've gotten tired of even caring enough to know her life details beyond that she's alive. She shows up at my work(her fathers business) and wants to see me. Wants to buy me breakfast. Want to talk.. Before she saw me, she wanted to do dinner and a movie. I declined both times before hand..

 

Now she still tries.. I've moving this month into a new place, and she's going to be down the street about a mile from me. She's making it sound like we're going to be seeing each other alot..

 

I don't know how to take this? I don't know what my heart wants, because I know I don't want to jump any guns. I don't want to set myself back. I don't want to waste ANOTHER year on her, and getting nothing but a few good nights, and some dinners under our belts. My friends ask whats going to happen, and quite frankly, I'm more worried about the new women I will meet than having to deal with my ex. I love her, I do, but I certainly won't call to borrow a cup of sugar, unless she's at my door offering it!

 

But what I do know, and this is where the "carpe diem" part comes in..

 

Don't worry about it. You've made it one year, or two years.. Or more. You know life moves on. You know you can move on. You live and you make it, just fine.. Albiet with some problems, but we all make it! And if your just into the beginning of your break up.. It does move on. You do make it, and it's not your place to try and fix the relationship if you were dumped. If you want a future from it. Make it noted, and bow out the respectful way and if it's wanted to be returned back, it will, and if it doesn't... Carry on.

 

I work everyday and I see pictures of my ex. I hear about her, I see her in her fathers face... I'm constantly reminded of her, but I drudge on. I make it. I smile and I live still. And regardless if her and I never come to any level of understanding, I know that in my heart I gave it my all, and I did my best to be a respectful person. I know that I grew, and we all grow and learn from it and there is certainly nothing better in life than having a notch to compare to personal growth.

 

Don't lose yourself in your pasts.. Don't lose your time you built on, because no one is worth it. Celebrate your past exs. It's made you, YOU.

[JynX]

Beautiful post!

 

I needed to read that...thank you. I wish I could tell you what to do in your situation, but I can't. Only time will tell what will happen. You seem to have the right idea...so stay strong and true to yourself. Because at the end of the day, good or bad, yourself is what you'll always have.

[FCTex]

Your right.. I'm not worried about my situation really. I'm somewhat excited at the prospect of seeing how she deals with me being so close. But in reality I know that should be get closer this time around, I've got this unsettling feeling that if the time to "jump" came. I couldn't. I just can't see being with her again at this point..

 

I've made it this far, why get stranded again! I just want people to know that regardless of where you are in your recovery. Celebrate it, because in the end, it's just about you.

[usababe]

Thanks, I needed to read that too. I'm seriously fighting the idea of breaking my 2 month NC with my ex and that has persuaded me to keep fighting it.

[strndedbyluv]

it was an inspiring read. i wish i could be as strong as you. maybe when a year passes for me I will. you give me hope!

thanks

[FCTex]

Thats what I wanted from it. If not only to bring myself a little solstice to my heart to get it on paper so to speak, it makes me feel a little better that maybe, just maybe I kept someone from setting themselves back..

 

Everyone needs to hit their breaking point, and no matter what milestone that is, celebrate it, because for once you realize your worth more than the tears and the sorrow. You lived before, during, and you WILL LIVE after your past relationships.

 

Hold your head up, and keep lookin, because you NEVER know when someone will be looking for your smile.