I don't look gay enough

[patient_strawberries]

Hi everyone!

 

I don't even know how to describe it very well. I pretty much think I'm bisexual. I won't really know for sure since I've never had an experience with a woman, but for the sake of making this post easier, let's say I am. And that I prefer women. When it came to men, I had no body image issues because they are so different from me. But now that I"ve really started preferring women, it's hard, because the type of women I find attractive are pretty different looking from me. I get confused, b/c of course I myself want to look attractive, but now that I find androgynous or slightly masculine women to be attractive, I find myself wanting to look like them so I can be more attractive too. Which is ridiculous, b/c I've always liked my face and my very feminine, pretty curvy body before. Especially since I knew that men liked it too.

 

But now, since I find women who are really flat (chest and butt) attractive (if you've seen L Word, think Shane), it's hard for me to accept that I am curvy . I want my face to be less cute and girly, I want to be less short and petite, and I want my butt to be less...girly! I've tried wearing boy pants, but they don't fit me b/c I have a perky butt and pretty thick thighs...and I really really WANT to wear boy pants, b/c they look so hot on some of the skinnier, more "straight bodied" (like no curves) women.

 

Any advice? This is such a weird issue, I know, but I can't get over it! Also, maybe more constructive advice than "just accept yourself, love yourself, etc. etc." While it's nice to hear people telling me to accept myself the way I am, I need help figuring out HOW to accept that I won't ever look andro or masculine like the women I'm attracted to, and that I will pretty much always look very very straight. Which is an extra blow, b/c how will I ever get together with women if they all think I'm so straight? (And I dislike myself looking mainstream)

[Süsser Tod]

A lesbian can take two roles if you want to put it on perspective, the male-ish role or the female role.

 

There was this couple where my dad worked, one of them was nicknamed "cowboy". When I saw her, I knew she was the cowboy, no question about it. She was about 6 feet high, and weighted around 250 pounds, wearing jeans, boots, a wide belt, and well, the outfit ended there, she was wearing a sweatshirt =P

 

Her girlfriend was entirely oposite, she would fit the description of a girly girl, 100% femenine (very good looking)

 

That is not the only couple of lesbians that I've met that work like that, but it is the most extreme example.

 

So what role would you like to play? Why don't you look those qualities for your partner while you play the femenine role, that used to fit you just fine?

[novaseeker]

It's not that strange for more of the soft-butch lesbian types to be attracted to what are referred to as "femmes" (ie, straight looking lesbian women), and vice versa. If you find yourself attracted more to the soft butch type, that's fine, but it doesn't have anything to do with the way you look. There are many lesbian women who are attracted to straight-looking lesbian women.

[Dako]

The butch or femmie girls are just the ones you notice. Young gays and lesbians just exploring their sexuality sometimes want to advertise with some persona, just as young staight men swagger and shout and straight girls become obsessed with cosmetics.

In time, we come to terms with our true selves.

[itsallgrand]

The title you chose says it all "I don't look gay enough". lol.

 

I find it amusing. What does gay look like?! Open up your eyes and mind. Gay is: anyone! Any colour, any style, any body shape, any age, any culture.

 

I'm sure some people would love it if it was so easy to pick out the 'non-straights' by simple stereotypical characteristics. But that method is sucky.

 

I think you are figuring out your self-identity. You are still unsure of your sexuality (though I think you have a pretty big clue ) nor where you fit in that world. You don't know 100% who you are yet. No biggie. We all go through periods of self discovery. You're having some fun and exploration with gender roles, facets of beauty, etc. Maybe you are imitating that which you admire: the andro look.

 

You'll grow out of it. Most likely. I really wouldn't worry. I would focus on enjoying exploring these new parts of yourself! I have full confidence you'll come on home to yourself and how to best show that off.

 

have fun.

[Cadence308]

A lesbian can take two roles if you want to put it on perspective, the male-ish role or the female role.

 

I don't get this!

 

I am a woman. I look like a woman. I've very feminine and I PREFER women who look like a woman and are very feminine. That's the thing about lesbian relationships...they are not built on typical stereotypes of what a woman should be.

[FoxLocke]

I don't get this!

 

I am a woman. I look like a woman. I've very feminine and I PREFER women who look like a woman and are very feminine. That's the thing about lesbian relationships...they are not built on typical stereotypes of what a woman should be.

 

I agree with this. Gay and Lesbian relationships aren't really defined by strict gender roles. There isn't that "Male role" or "female role." You just go with the flow, I think.

[KIDD]

I think the main problem with gays & lesbians is that we're always classified as a certain something. We all come in many shapes,sizes & personalities which I think is pretty cool. I consider myself to be a masculine male & I prefer to date a masculine gay male. Everyone has different tastes or preferences.

[patient_strawberries]

Thanks so much everyone for the advice. I didn't think it would be so helpful.

 

Yes, I don't think that lesbians have to have stereotypical roles. I personally am not uber feminine (stereotypical femme) and I definitely don't go for butch. I've also seen plenty of non-stereotypical lesbian couples. I do understand that people may be attracted to others that look different from them, but it's hard to get this into my head. I mean, I'm pretty girly looking but I'm attracted to andro or "soft butch." So maybe those types would be more attracted to my type? I would hope so, because if I could choose, I'd rather be with someone like that than look like that. Although both would be ideal.

 

And as itsallgrand said, it's true that I'm trying to imitate the andro look, which I admire. I love the shapeless body that doesn't lean in either male or female direction, and the gender ambiguous face that's maybe just slightly more female than male.

 

I guess my biggest issue is that I can't separate what I like in a partner from what I like in myself. It's easier with men since I know I'm so different from them, but with women, I get confused between wanting a woman and wanting to BE her. Have any of you ever had this problem? (This question is for men or women) How have you learned to separate your identity from your objects of desire?

 

As for the title "I don't look gay enough..." yeah, I was mostly referring to how everyone mistakes me for 100% straight. I wish there was a way for gay people to know that I'm pretty much gay/bi/whatever straight away without me having to hint at it or tell it. And I wish bpeople wouldn't keep thinking "it's just a phase" or that it's "gay until graduation" for me, just b/c I don't have stereotypical gay mannerisms/looks. But I guess a lot of gay people have to go through this problem too, huh, due to our heteronormative world?

[Süsser Tod]

I guess my biggest issue is that I can't separate what I like in a partner from what I like in myself. It's easier with men since I know I'm so different from them, but with women, I get confused between wanting a woman and wanting to BE her. Have any of you ever had this problem? (This question is for men or women) How have you learned to separate your identity from your objects of desire?

 

 

Well, eventually I got over it, and accepted I'm a male. However, I've never liked the male body, I've never really liked being a male, but I've always liked females, so yes, at some point I was convinced I should had been a female, and lesbian

 

Eventually I accepted that I'm male, and, eh, try not to think a lot about it.

[singingwolf]

I agree with this. Gay and Lesbian relationships aren't really defined by strict gender roles. There isn't that "Male role" or "female role."

 

This really made me laugh. My partner and I are both feminine looking women. When we had a commitment ceremony in Las Vegas a few years ago, the photographer (a gay man) asked us "Which one of you is the man?" When we got done laughing, I told him "neither of us, that's kind of the point."

 

Some people seem determined to define gay couples with male/female roles. Some do work that way, but I imagine that most don't, any more than hetero couples follow strict gender roles in the 21st century.

 

Singing Wolf