feeling miserable

[lauragutierrez]

I am feeling miserable. I left everything to go to the other side of the world to be with someone. After 9 months living in the same house I am not even allowed to pick up the phone because he is the middle of getting divorced. His family doesn't talk to me and don't even ask about me. People don't know we are together.

 

I left my job, my family, friends and I am with someone who doesn't care about me.

[dann]

........so leave.

[lauragutierrez]

I don't seem to be able to give the step. Only two days after arriving in the country i am in now I found so much stuff hidden from me, so many issues I have gone through that have destroyed my love for the person, have finished with my dreams. I have no one to talk to, I have no friends. For 9 months I haven't talked to anyone. I am living with someone under the same roof and no one knows about me.

 

I just don't know how to handle it.

[avman]

So you are saying he convinced you to move there by lying to you about everything? If so, why did you stay for 9 months?

[lauragutierrez]

we both made the step and I committed myself to leave everything and move here. I even have to pay money to have the visa that allows me to stay here only because of him. He applied for divorce already and after 9 months I can't even answer the phone in the house. He doesn't even tell me when this situation is going to change.

 

He didn't convince me to come here. It was a joint decision. When I arrived after leaving everything I found a letter saying that his house was open for his wife and everything he had it was hers (she had left the house).

[avman]

Well you aren't formally committed to this guy. So it's time to make some plans to leave. If you need to save up some money then start doing it. Or call your family and see if they can help you get back home.

 

There is no reason to stay in a place that makes you miserable.

[lauragutierrez]

I know inside myself that what I am doing by staying here is not right. I know I am miserable and I know that I don't deserve this. I have the feeling that I am afraid to give the step as I won't be able to look back. I wanted to make sure that I have done everything I could do and gave everything I had so that I don't have regrets.

 

I guess someone who doesn't fight for you, someone who sees you suffering and miserable and do nothing about it, then they obviously don't love you.

[Hope75]

Hi Laura,

 

Looks like you have a pretty good idea that this man is not acting the way that a loving, respectful partner would. He should be proud to have you and want to show you off to his friends and family. Perhaps you were misled before you came here, but obviously after 9 months you have now seen the way things are and are miserable. Avman is right- why waste any more time with this man?

 

You say you want to do make sure you have done everything you could. Laura, I don't think there is anything you could do differently in this situation. I hope you will begin making plans to go back home, where you don't have to live like a dirty little secret.

[lauragutierrez]

Thanks Hope75. Yes, I know I should leave. When I look at everything I just don't like it. Yes, I live like a secret, hidden, not existing, feeling humilliated, feeling that I am not worth it. Everytime there is a family event I can't attend, I am never invited to anything, I have to stay at home on my own. When I first arrived here after two days I was told that I couldn't pick up the phone for the time being. Nine months later I still can't pick up the phone. In nine months after leaving family, friends, etc.....I have never received a single present (flowers....something simple). I have never been taken out to dinner (even an inexpensive dinner). Everytime I want to talk about things is all shouting, arguments or silence for days.

[Hope75]

Laura,

 

This sounds like more of a prison situation than a relationship. Surely you can see now that this is not how it should be!

 

Can you call your family? Do you have any money that can helo you get home?

[lauragutierrez]

yes, I have money. that is not a problem. I can buy a ticket and go home. I don't know what is happening to me. I just sort of feel that I need someone to push me to go and do it. As if I am afraid of leaving, of actually giving the step.

 

I have been asking myself for the 9 months if this person can possibly love me? and I know this is not my idea of love. soemone who hides you, someone who does this to me cannot possibly love me. I guess it is difficult to accept it and that is why it is taking me time to make the decision of leaving.

 

My family has told me exactly the same as you did. They told me that I am living in a prison, they told me that it is as if I was hijacked. Soemone who is not proud of you cannot love you.

[avman]

Then it is time to get out. You have the support of your family. So pack your things and leave.

 

I understand that sometimes you feel a bit of a comfort or a routine in what you know. But take a long hard look at your life right now and what it has been for the last 9 months. Can you honestly tell yourself you are ok with living this way? Do you want to spend one more second being stuck in this relationship?

[Süsser Tod]

From your screen name I can tell you are latin. Sal de ahi, no lo hagas por nadie, hazlo por ti. No es huir, ni es ser cobarde, aceptar que fue un error requiere de coraje.

[BellaDonna]

Life is too short- and 9 months is too long to be unhappy.

 

It's time to get out of that situation before you waste more of your time and get more depressed there.

 

Its "ok" that you tried being with him and that it didn't work out- I know it's hard to let go- but you have to realize that it was a mistake, and we all make mistakes. The mistake can be "fixed" just as quick as it was made. You can move back home and start over on a clean slate.

 

 

BellaDonna

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Do you have a job here?

 

Were you able to go out?

[lauragutierrez]

yes I have a job here. I am not sure what you mean by if I was able to go out. And yes, life is too short to waste it like this. 9 months are an eternity to live the way I am living

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Since you have a job here, you could still makes friends with your colleagues and neighbours. Or you could join some clubs or society to widen your friends network.

 

The reason is in event that the relationship does not goes well, you still have a network of friends to fall into.

 

I believe you are not willing to give up the relationship yet. You could focus on your careers first, at the meanwile, your bf deals with the divorce.

 

I understand he did not bring you out to show to his family and friends. I just want to know, are you both Italian or he is of different race?

 

If both of you is from different race, it is understandable because it is hard to get acceptance from his familys and friends especially he is also having a divorce now.

 

I also face the same problem with my bf family because I am of different race.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Sorry, I misread your post.

 

You are saying you want to leave and haven't found the courage to leave.

 

If you are unhappy with your life, take action try to save the situation first.

 

After all has been done, the situation is finalised and then make a move.

[Momene]

I'm guessing that part of what keeps you there is pride, that if you return home you will be seen to be a failure. I remember this very well when i returned to my parents' house after my first marriage broke up. But within a few months, I was back in my own place and I had a few adventures before remarrying and having a great daughter.

[lauragutierrez]

I don't think having a divorce is an issue. If you have finished with someone and have decided to move forward with someone else and on top of that you make the new person come to your country, leave everything behind, then you should treat them well. You shouldn't hide them, you should give them support even more than in any other situation as I am on my own here with no family or friends.

 

We agreed I would come here and live together and after 5 months he tells me I should live somewhere else and not with him in the same house. This tells me the person doesn't even know what they want and for sure they don't want you.

[Momene]

I agree. I guess your partner can't be too young or he wouldn't have been married but he's sure got a lot of growing up to do. My wife's Latin, too and she doesn't find it easy living in England.

[lauragutierrez]

It is not the culture what annoys me. If you live with someone for 9 months after having left your whole life behind and you are not allowed to answer the phone in the house, if you are not included in any social life with your partner, if everytime there is a family event you cannot attend because the family doesn't want you there and your own partner still goes as if he is accepting that what they are doing is right. He himself is allowing that I am totally out of the whole picture. No one knows I live with him except his family. It is like I don't exist.

[Hope75]

Laura,

 

Knowing all this, I don't see how you can get angry about it if YOU are still willing to put up with you. You know how he is, what this relationship is... but we are only treated as we allow ourselves to be treated.

 

If this is not how you want to be treated, than it's time to pack up and go home. I can understand your frustration, but since you can see there is not going to be any improvement to this situation after almost a year, it's time to cut your losses and go.

[lauragutierrez]

I don't know. I am just so affected that I think I just try to excuse him. Sometimes I wonder whether I am right. He tells me that I complain all the time, but who wouldn't in my situation? My question is: does he love me? do you think he loves me?

[Managor]

If he loves you, he has a very strange way of showing you. I agree with everyone else, the only thing you've done wrong in this relationship, I think, is not left sooner.