Tension over my NC contract

[Silentlyfor]

Still tense. Don't really want to call her or see her blog.... But now I'm just bitter... Like I'm the one that lost in all this. I know that's not true... but a VERY VERY small part of me is angry because I know she's having fun with this new guy and I'm don't have anybody. But now my thoughts switch to thinking to something else.

 

I guess I'm just worn out from having one of the worst months of my life coming to a close after making one of the bigest mistakes in my life(dating and loving my ex).

[mikeca]

I'd like to say its gonna get better quick, but it doesnt. weeks after the breakup I'd be at work or home and just randomly feel like crying and just being sad. But it does get better, it takes some time. What I found to help me was to keep busy, reading, joining a league, playing video games all kept my mind off her and eventually it became easier. If you want a book about relationships I just read : " the five love languages " by Gary Chapman, supedave71 suggested it in a post and I've enjoyed learning and bettering myself after reading it. I hope you can find some positives right now, just remember theres light at the end of the tunnel.

 

also I found listening to Cake - I will Survive / Russell Watson - Faith of the Heart really turned around my moods

[Silentlyfor]

Much better these days. Still have that inward impulsion to call or berate my ex.. but things seem so easy right now.

[gaiden]

I hear ya man, I'm in the same boat with you. I really want to lay into her and let her know who really lost out when she left but in all honesty, the energy I am putting towards it is draining me and I have so much more I could be doing. Might as well start doing those things instead

[Silentlyfor]

I am really getting pissed off at my best friend right now. You know what he did? He showed me a f***king picture of the guy my ex is dating and ANOTHER picture with them together, hugging each other.

 

And now we're fighting(issuses relatively unrelated to this). Never been so f***ing angry at a friend.

 

Well... I must say I am growing some resilience to this whole breakup though. The pictures did stir up feelings.. but... not jealousy.. or sadness... just... more... I don't know... I'll write a letter about it.

[Silentlyfor]

Day 12 Nc. still going

[Allie.]

I am really getting pissed off at my best friend right now. You know what he did? He showed me a f***king picture of the guy my ex is dating and ANOTHER picture with them together, hugging each other.

 

And now we're fighting(issuses relatively unrelated to this). Never been so f***ing angry at a friend.

 

Well... I must say I am growing some resilience to this whole breakup though. The pictures did stir up feelings.. but... not jealousy.. or sadness... just... more... I don't know... I'll write a letter about it.

 

hmm. it seems to me that its becoming necessary that you talk to your friend about staying off that topic. I don't think he realizes FULLY how sensitive you are about this. I had to discuss that with all of my friends because my close friends did the same thing too. And...it sucked. So talk to him [= Believe it or not...people can't read minds =p! haha. So cheer yourself up and talk to him [= I know you guys are fighting but for your own benefit, I think you need someone to talk to and your best-friend seems like the one so I would talk to him and work things out. you're gonna be needing him sooner or later buddy.

 

always,

Allie.

[Silentlyfor]

Guys.... This is so wrong.... I'm so... why is this still happening. I was fine then I'm going nuts like I want her by my side RIGHT NOW. What's wrong with me? Does this have to do with my best friend showing me a picture with her new guy?

[gaiden]

More then likely, yes. Relapses happen. That's why I cleaned my house out of all her stuff. It was extremely tough to throw out / donate all our stuff but I knew it would be much worse running in to it down the road.

 

I'm sorry about that red, I had the same problem and it screwed me up for a little bit. But my episode didn't last beyond the day it happened.

[Silentlyfor]

I'm hoping the same Gaiden. I'm a little shocked with the last letter I just wrote to my ex in the thread. The last part, by no means, by the way is any vie to want to harm her. I just want her gone from my mind.

 

Gaiden, I don't want to come to a point where I'm thrown into a rage just because blatant reminders of my ex come about. After all, she's part of my close knit group of friends. But she keeps intruding. She keeps muscling into my life EVEN THOUGH I'M GONE FROM HER'S, and it's driving me insane.

 

And I think I'm mad at my best friend for maintaining a relationship(of friendship) with her. It makes me feel like I'm left out and pulled away from my friends because she won't * * * * off. It pisses me off. I can't heal if he keeps mentioning her, or showing me pictures of my ex with with freakin' army boy or * * * *ing mentioning army boy.

 

Is this uncommon? Why can't this be easier. Like, I mean, I could very well get over my ex if she wasn't around and at least acknowledge this as a loss. But how the hell is it a loss when SHE'S STILL AROUND, STILL MENTIONED, STILL receiveD BY EVERYONE!! Like... what is this? ex-relationship hell?

 

And then I'm left with all this anger and frustration and this freakin' image of my fat ex and her creepy looking boyfriend in my head. And now, at least today, it's haunting me. It's funny. everyone is telling me to "let go and move on". Yet, she's still there. She's still wanders in my cirlcles. She's still in my life indirectly and IT'S DRIVING ME MAD!!!!!

 

What... can I do? There's nothing I can do....

 

Edit: And now the cravings and shakes are happening again, only now they are not as severe. Criminy. Guys, I understand now. Love has it's ups, but the downs are worse than torture.

[gaiden]

After all, she's part of my close knit group of friends. But she keeps intruding. She keeps muscling into my life EVEN THOUGH I'M GONE FROM HER'S, and it's driving me insane.

 

When this happened, my friends knew I didn't want to be around my ex anymore and they made sure I didn't run in to her. Myself and my friends partied by ourselves and they made time for my ex sperately. Honestly, either they are part of the solution, or part of the problem. There is no reason that can't accommodate you both if they really wanted to. Talk to them if you haven't already. Just ask them nicely to refrain from talking about her around you.

 

And I think I'm mad at my best friend for maintaining a relationship(of friendship) with her.

 

Don't be redmage. If your friend was her friend as well, you can't expect him to stop talking to her but he SHOULD have the common courtesy NOT to mention her or what's going on with her around you. That's not cool.

 

Is this uncommon? Why can't this be easier. Like, I mean, I could very well get over my ex if she wasn't around and at least acknowledge this as a loss.

 

Dude, my last ex left the STATE, she's like 2000 miles away. she's not even in the same time zone anymore. while it's not complicated like your issue is, it doesn't make it hurt any less. just give yourself some time to adjust. this stuff doesn't happen overnight. the first step is just to acknowlede your feelings, accept them, don't dwell on them. they really are going to pass man, they will.

 

It's funny. everyone is telling me to "let go and move on". Yet, she's still there.

 

hehe, yea, I know what you mean. easier said then done. but like i said man, it is going to happen. it's a whole lot easier to give advice to people when they are outside, looking in at the little hell you are living in. when your inside that world though, you can't see outside. just know its there. when you are ready, you will be outside, looking over at what you just walked away from and you will see it in a brand new light.

 

it's coming red man, it's coming.

[Silentlyfor]

Yeah, NC 1 again. I told my ex I still wanted to be friends. I don't know why. For some reason I'm no longer mad at her. But I realized she was my best friend despite being a bad gf. Is this wrong?

[gaiden]

Well, that's a loaded question mage. Was it wrong? Only you would know. I wouldn't have said it but that doesn't make it right or wrong.

 

You may not be mad at her now, but that doesn't mean you won't feel that way again. Everyone here has seen your emotions swing wildly from one end of the spectrum to the other; sometimes, it happens during the course of the same day.

 

I think I saw it in one of spongebob's (superdave) posts-- When is it okay to break and NC and talk with your ex? When you can see them with another person and it doesn't bother you. I'd like to extend that a little further and say when you can see them BEING INTIMATE with another person and it doesn't bother you.

 

Yep, the worst thing you would want to see. If you can deal with that, you can deal with just about anything they throw at you.

 

Can you do that? Can you see Chloe intimate with someone else?

 

Think about it bud, if you can't don't set yourself up for failure. Noone here wants to see you hurt again man.

[Silentlyfor]

Good point. The thing is, she was a person that totally understood who I was. We had the same beliefs, values, interests, ideas and hobbies. By no means do I want to have her by my side again... but she was a good friend.

 

At the same time... what would that friendship accomplish?

[gaiden]

I myself find I grieve the friendship I lost as well, not the engagement/intimate aspect of my life with her. When I'm ready, I may talk to my ex again. Then again, when I'm ready, I may not want to have anything to do with her at all, I won't know till then. I am just taking it one step at a time.

 

I'm not going to put the cart before the horse. Step 1, heal myself. Step 2, decide if I really want her in my life anymore. I don't want to make the decision that I want to be her friend until I after I know I'm in the right mind, if ya know what I mean.

[Allie.]

Mkay...didyoumissme? and redmage22 I have some advice for you both that I found around a thread. Mkay?

 

 

 

always,

Allie.

[Silentlyfor]

Thank you Alliee. I've just been going a little nuts since my friend decided to show me those pictures and give me that information. It's been hard for me. Very hard for me to take.

[Allie.]

shucks! I was supposed to post that on the "Question about everyone doing NC?" post so missme could read it. rawr. either way...

 

aww no problem & yes. I understand [= just hang in there bud. we're all here for you. but please don't break NC again...i know it may be specially tempting right now cuz you prolly wanna know as much as you can about her and this other guy but just remember 2 things...wanting and needing are different things and of course...if you broke your arm...you wouldn't try to arm-wrestle...

 

always,

Allie'zter.

[Silentlyfor]

I know. I'm glad I'm not nearly as bad as when I first came here. And the withdrawl THIS time around, is not as bad, but I'm conflicted again. I want her back but I know she's not at all good for me. I want the friendship we had because I feel she's the only person that understood me, my thoughts, my values and my feelings. But she left me... And now, that damn picture has brought up my bitterness, anger, yearning and pain toward and with her.

 

THing is, I don't really want her as my gf. I want her as a friend and only a friend. She was a GOOD friend. She even said "if we ever break up, we are best friends." I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I don't know what's going on. I don't know if I'll have an angry outburst against her again if she doesn't respond.

[Silentlyfor]

Why... Now I'm having pains in my chest.. and thinking of her... like I want her back. Like I need her by my side. Guys this is exhausting.

[gaiden]

Up until your second message, notice how all you said was want want want. Mage, you want her, and that's understandable and perfectly normal. But you don't need her.

[Silentlyfor]

Your right... but how do I get rid of this wanting? It's like... I can't even explain it....

[Silentlyfor]

You know what... you're right... All this struggling.. all this time pissed away coveting a person who no longer exists in my life. I do want her around. But I don't NEED her. I never did NEED her. In fact, she held me back. If anything the NEED not to have her around greatly outweighs this immense want for her.

 

If I want companionship, I can go to a bar and make some new friends. If I need love, I can use dating websites. Hell I can even get a * * * *ing penpal site to make friends. I don't NEED her as a companion. She made me miserable. She made me feel very bad about myself, to the point where she even threaten to break up with me because I wasn't good enough for her in bed, which makes me very angry.

 

Need love? I have family. Need companionship? I'll go to a bar or get a penpal to talk to. Need help? I'll go see a therapist. Need family? I have my own family, albiet dysfunctional, but still loyal. Need power? I already have it. I just forget I do sometimes. Feeling alone? Call a family member or a friend and talk about weather, sports, etc.

 

You're right... I don't need her... I just want her.... It's so simple.... Why did I forget that?

[gaiden]

No worries man, we're all here going through the same thing. I myself have the same inclinations as you. I need to be reminded myself.

 

Just hold on Mage and if you need to rant, go for it.

[Silentlyfor]

Great. My OTHER friend has told me EVEN MORE about this new guy. What is wrong with my friends? I did tell him to never bring that up again, but goddamn, Do they know I went through a month of hell over this women? Jesus, how many times must my wounds be reopened before this is all over?