Being considerate in asking for help and leaning on people?

[renaissancewoman101]

After this week is done and over with and we get through that situation, I am seriously going to let my best friend out of my life. The mere thought of that makes me so scared and can bring me to my knees in tears. I have never let go of a relationship or gotten over a breakup without him somewhere in the background. This is not going to be easy and I am scared to do it. I dont have a lot of friends out here due to my shy nature and my inability to adapt out here.

 

Being the considerate and kind person I always am, I wanted to know how not to become a burden onto others. If I can get the guts up to finally let go of my best friend, I know I am going to be leaning on the people from here and on one or two friends that I have. I dont want to be a burden onto others and/or to drive my friends away or make me an unwanted pest on here. How do I go about asking for help and leaning on people for support without burning them out or burdening them?

 

I never try to take advantage of people and the mere thought of leaning on people to help me get through this rough time, is hard on me. I dont like to depend on people being that I tend to be a solitary person and I hate causing problems for others and being a burden on others. I am the type of person who would rather someone take advantage of me and be a burden on me, than vice versa.

[Scout]

You've got my support, but with a condition: you stop saying things to yourself like, "My inability to adapt out here." Those are negative thoughts that serve no purpose, plus they're not true. Every time you think something like that, try to become consciously aware of it, so you can quickly change it to, say, "I'm having difficulty adapting out here, but I know it's not impossible because I've managed to do this___, and this____, etc."

 

You get the idea. It's a cognitive therapy technique that works to change habitual negative thinking. It does take time to undo any habit, though. Just remember that perception is everything. I'm going to quote this for the millionth time: a friend of mine once made the abstute observation that if a genie gave you three wishes, you'd only need to make the first wish be "peace of mind" and then everything else would be covered.

 

Again, you have my support and my ear, RW. It's the least I could do for all the support you offer to members here on such a regular basis. Plus, I simply like ya and think you're a good egg!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey Ren -

 

Based on what you've said about this friend before, I support your decision to let him go.

 

Of course you'll have people to lean on from here! And don't even think twice about being a burden. That's what this site is for.

 

From what very little I know about you, I think your other friends could stand being leaned on a little. You don't seem to ask for much and EVERYBODY needs help sometimes.

 

I think you should just come out here as often as you feel you need to. And tell your other friends that you think you are going to need a little extra support because you won't have the other friend to go to anymore. Just make sure they know yor plan so we can help you.

 

I say if you let them know exactly what it is you want from them and us, we'll all be more than willing to help.

 

Are you approaching this from a NC angle?

[chigal28]

I'm so proud of you for reaching this important decision, one that shows respect and love for yourself!!! I'm sure a lot of others who have been following your posts here will agree with me.

 

This won't be easy, by any means, and I know you recognize that. It won't be easy to break out of a pattern that's so familiar to you, and to work on adopting a new pattern in its place. You're used to being the emotional punching bag for your best friend, and not having anyone to lean on yourself. It's not easy to learn to trust people and ask them to be there for you, but it can be done. You wanted to be there for your friend because you cared, and you put up with A LOT from him....you won't treat anyone else like that, and you're a very caring person, so I think a lot of people will recognize a potential good friend in you. Some of my friends who seem shy at first have become some of my warmest, most caring and fun friends!

 

Just as you felt joy in being there for your friend (when he wasn't devaluing you as a person), other people will feel joy in being there for you. I LOVE being there for my friends, and it took some time to understand that they love being there for me, too. I'm still working on realizing that, but as I ask for a little bit of support and I get it, I slowly become able to trust more, and ask for more. I've also realized that some of my friends are not always going to be there for me in the way that I think a good friend should be, so I'm minimizing their presense in my life.

 

YOU WILL get through this, and I really feel that in six months, a year, you'll look back on this as a HUGE turning point in your life!!

[renaissancewoman101]

Scout and Ta_ree_saw, thanks for being supportive of me and my problem. I know I need to be less critical of myself. That is not something easy for me to do. I have a lot of self-hate due to my mother never being comfortable with my height and my friend also being weird about being around me in public. In the last few weeks, after much introspection, I have come to the realization that my mom and my best friend are very much alike, demanding and also very critical of stuff I cannot change.

 

Ta_ree_saw, I am not sure if I am going to do NC. First things first, I have to get through the "situation" on Thurs and see how we all fare after that. I have never, in the 13 years I have known my best friend, pulled away from him for a lengthy period of time. There have been times when I pulled away from him in anger and upsetness about the way he treated me, and then I ignored him for a while. But then he calls me and leaves me these painful, sad messages telling me how much he needs me and how much I mean to him. Those messages tug at my heart and bring out the motherly side of me that wants to take care of him.

 

Just the thought of all of this is making me worried. I am not sure if I can pull this off. I still do care and love my friend. Just this past Sat night, when he wanted to talk to me in private and cry to me about his life, made me want to hold him and be there for him, hence me staying up till 3 AM talking to him. And he does feel bad for me that I got pulled over by the cops on my drive back down to San Diego.

 

The more I think about this, the more I am NOT sure if I can go thorugh with this.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Ren - maybe you shoud TRY it for a time. Ya know, just try posting here when he calls instead of calling him back. Try erasing his messages without listening to them so you won't feel that manipulation.

 

I think the reason you are reconsidering if the same as it always is, because you are putting him first and above yourself.

 

I tihnk you should at least try it. Don't give up before you even start...

[renaissancewoman101]

I am not sure, but you guys do know that I am married to him, dont you? (this was done about 4 years ago because he wanted to hide his gayness)

 

It does complicate matters, sort of.

[Scout]

I am not sure, but you guys do know that I am married to him, dont you? (this was done about 4 years ago because he wanted to hide his gayness)

 

It does complicate matters, sort of.

 

No. I didn't know that. Wow.

 

Well, sounds like it's time for a divorce!

[AwdreeHpburn]

yeh Ren, I think I did know that. I still think it's time to cut the ties for a while. The emotional ones.

 

Your marrying him so that he can conceal his gayness is just the tip of the iceberg regarding what this guy will ask from you. He needs to learn to stand on his own. There is nothing wrong with being there for a friend or helping someone out who's in a bad place, but you married this guy so he didn't have to face something and he continually takes advantage of your generosity instead of kissing your butt for helping him out.

 

Time to help him by not helping him. A littl tough love might do him AND you some good.

[nottoogreen]

renaissancewoman,

 

Once you are on your own, you have to rely on yourself and you can be yourself.

 

After a while by yourself you will see that it is unnecessary to have people to lean on.

 

Sounds like an opportunity for growth and peace, not to be missed.

[renaissancewoman101]

Ta_ree_saw, I am not giving up. I really want to go through with this. I think my biggest fear is leaning on friends and not knowing if I am leaning on them too much.

 

I do like being alone a lot, hence me living alone (I never lived together with my best friend because I couldnt handle that). I have my quirky tendencies that no one will understand. But, my friend has always only been about 15 minutes away from me. Me living two hours away from him nowadays, has been hard on me too and he has brought up in past conversations, that he wished I live closer to him.

 

If I start leaning on people, I am going to lean on them as a companion for me because I get lonely out here, I get depressed, and I get scared. I guess I am trying to find out surefire ways to prevent me from driving my friends away as I slowly extricate myself from my situation. I have A LOT of emotional ties to him and it is going to kill me emotionally to leave him, kind of like an abuse victim leaving someone who abuses them. And I dont think he is going to let me leave that peacefully (although when we have fought before, he had said that if I ever left him, he wouldnt care). I am his world in many ways. He doesnt trust people a lot. Heck, he doesnt even trust his own bf. He trusts me, I know that.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Ren - I know its going to be hard and I know you're not giving up. But you just sounded a little defeated.

 

I think you should rely on your friends here and where you are. I'll be here to support you!

 

It will be hard, it will. He'll try every trick in the book and the ones not mentioned in the book. But DO lean on your friends. Even if you just rely on them to take your mind off of it/him by seeing a movie or having a cup of coffee with you.

[nottoogreen]

... kind of like an abuse victim leaving someone who abuses ...

Makes sense what you say.

 

You got yourself into the hole.

 

You know it.

 

You got to get out of it.

 

Tough!

[renaissancewoman101]

Geez, I didnt get myself into this intentionally. I am not some self-punishing mascochist. He came into my life when I was in college and he was my first love. He never let me go, even when he came out and told me he was gay. He wanted me to be there for him because he trusted me and needed me in his life. That was a new one for me, someone needing me in thier lives. I have always felt very unneeded and unwanted by people. His need for me also gave way to him taking out his emotions, anger, feelings on me and that has been a rough road to follow. But, I am always the loyal one.

 

My sense of loyalty and caring is what is going to be the hardest to overcome. I have a hard time walking away from people, even those who treat me badly.

 

But I also have a hard time depending on people for help and support because that is the time I am the most vulnerable.

[nottoogreen]

Geez, I didnt get myself into this intentionally. I am not some self-punishing mascochist.

Unintentionally, but you put up with him against reason and he gives you nothing but abuse.

 

You are a kind and loving woman. You deserve better.

 

Not sure whether you are self-punishing, but you are dependent for sure as you can change your mind in no time, you crave his abuse.

 

That's how our brain works. Sorry.