the friend

[rms8]

This probably isn't a big deal but it's been something that's bothered me for a while now and I would just like to ease my mind (hopefully). Sorry this might be long.

 

So I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year and a half and he's amazing and we have a great relationship. The only issue we've ever had has been about this one girl who is a freshman in college (we are both sophomores). My boyfriend volunteers for a freshman orientation program doing community service and leads a group of freshman. This one girl was in his group and everyone got along great I guess. Well he and her continued their friendship long after the program was over which shouldn't have bothered me but I don't like that I know nothing about her and their relationship. It also doesn't help that friends of ours were in the same situation and another freshman girl from an orientation group caused them a lot of problems and he may or may not have cheated with this freshman...

 

Anyways, I dealt with my jealous of her for a long time and I had let my bf know that I didn't have any right to not like her and their friendship but it still bothered me and he understood completely. However, he continued talking with her and after awhile I found text messages between the two indicating he had visited her while drunk and she wanted him to "escape again" and come visit. She seems to have a little crush on him or is just a really needy person. I know that he is not interested in her like that and could never cheat on me (sorry if I sound like a fool but it's true ).

 

Me and my boyfriend have talked a lot about this and he knows exactly how much it bothers me but he still lets them have conversations on AIM and has made no attempt that I know of to tell her she's out of line in pursuing him (if she is).

 

Do I have any right to be mad that he hasn't tried to stop communicating with her?? Or am I a little out of line in wanting to end their friendship? This really bothers me every time I see her IM box pop up on his computer …help me!

[Maverick32x]

you arent going to stop girls from liking your Boyfriend.. if hes faithful... i don't see any reason why you would try to end their friendship.... if i were him i would see it as pretty outrageous and i would be pretty mad at you if you pushed the issue....

However, if you get a feeling that he is cheating... you might want to try to look into that....

[Cadence308]

I think that if circumstances were right then your boyfriend would cheat, regardless of how great your relationship is. That's just my opinion. The fact that he visited her drunk and keeps allowing text messages to be sent when he knows how you feel about the situation says a lot. Why did he visit her while drunk? That seems like a situation that would put him in a position of cheating.

[fishrrshortae]

I'm not so sure that your bf would never cheat, sorry but I've heard many girls say that about their significant others and turn out to be wrong. I am concerned about the fact that he knows it bothers you and hasn't made any attempt to limit contact or include you in the friendship, to get to know her personally .. Try to see if you three can all go out some time and see what he says. If he makes excuses, that's something to pay attention to.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I dislike saying this, but it sounds like a Matter Of Time thing to me.

 

Guy meets attractive girl. Is friends for ages. They connect on a "Good Friend" basis. They text. She's drunk. Or she needs "rescuing" somehow.

 

I'd start armouring yourself up emotionally, you may well need it.

[rms8]

thanks for the responses

 

it's funny the difference between the male and female replies but anyways...

 

does anyone have any advice about whether or not i should bring this issue up again (like the next time i find them communicating again) and what i should say...

[Rabican]

Im a guy. Just getting that out there.

 

I think that nothing good ever really comes of having 'friends' of the opposite sex when you are in a relationship. Especially when you toss in a 'drunken visit'. That is sort of like tossing the fox into the henhouse and just waiting to see what happens.

 

Also the fact that he knows it bothers you, and still hangs out with her would irk me a little bit. Now if their friendship has not crossed any 'boundary lines' then I think you may want to allow him his friend... but not without rules. I dont think he should be hanging out alone with her. If he wants to see her, then theres no reason he cant invite you along. Or keep you informed of their comings and goings (pardon the pun). Their friendship should be plutonic... when your man starts flirting, or talking dirty or lying about etc. this other girl... then its time to kick his butt.

[tallica]

saying that you know he will never cheat on you is probably the weirdest thing i have heard in a long time, it doesnt matter how good the realtionship is, if it is going to happen it will, im not being funny but you do not have any guarentees in life and ecspecially in relationships lol, i treated my ex with respect, never cheated even though i had the oppertunity, showed him plenty of love and affection, gave him space and time with his friends, he told me he loved me every day...what did he do? cheated 5 times with dif girls lol........i would have said the same as you, but who am i to say what is going on in someone elses head? if u have that attitude in a relationship you WILL get hurt. good luck

[Massari]

I think that if circumstances were right then your boyfriend would cheat, regardless of how great your relationship is. That's just my opinion. The fact that he visited her drunk and keeps allowing text messages to be sent when he knows how you feel about the situation says a lot. Why did he visit her while drunk? That seems like a situation that would put him in a position of cheating.

 

this is EXACTLY what stuck me here as well. going to another girl's house or whatever when drunk and I presume he didn't tell you he was going there!!! this is a red flag right here. now I am not saying end it with him but do talk about it, 5 months is still 5 months. Me and my gf had a rough start due to whats called "JUST A GUY FRIEND" who ended up kissing my gf. I was exploding but I gave her a second chance, but once that second chance had been given I made myself very clear that there must be ABSOLUTELY NO CONACT OF ANY KIND with this guy or you are gonna be out of my life ( non the less he still messages her and stuff but she tells me everytime he does and she never messages him back). I am not trying to be mean or too controlling I am just very loyal to my gf and thats what I expect in return from her. (she knows where I am going out and with who I am going, & I know where she is going and with who she is going.Would you visit a guyfriend when drunk?? would he appriciate it? I doubt it he would so tell him that tell him to put himself in your shoes and I am sure he would understand since you said he "completely" understands" bottom like its not worth to go through all this headache since as a guy that's how I feel about my gf sometimes but I absolutely DO NOT tolerate that. talk to your man take the headache away.

 

Forgot to mention many of these headaches and stress comes from the insecurities about yourself. As I am not a very confident person I do suffer from that … ( felt like this is important also to think about in your situation) I mean think he cannot get anyone better then you, so he shouldn't take you for granted.

[Massari]

EXACTLY.. boundries and you should be informed to say the least...

[matt77uk]

"I think that if circumstances were right then your boyfriend would cheat..." hmmm yes this is true of every single guy................

 

anyway back to the point, from waht youve said their relationship sounds flirty, he may just be trying to hide texts from her away because he knows you would be upset and react like this, however it does sound like their relationship has crossed some bounderies.....

 

maybe he just likes the extra attention, if things are fine between you two and you love eachother he'll be faithful to you... (unless hes really trashed... go out drinking with him more maybe....