She has a boyfriend... confused

[dave05]

Help!!

 

I've fallen for a girl who has a boyfriend (he incidentally lives abroad!!). I met her about 2 months ago, and since then we go out like twice a week - not really on dates but just for walks and drives.

 

Now this is the thing I think I've fallen for her, she is the most beautiful, intelligent, creative girl I have ever met, Ive never met anyone before who has as much in common, like I had to tell her not so long ago that I wasnt making things up, as she seemed to have identical life experiences, to me and I was worried she thought I was just agreeing with her all the time. We flirt all the time, and make a big deal of hugging and touching a lot..

 

Im very confused at the moment, I really want to be with her, but there are a few complications..

 

i) the boyfriend

ii) i am moving abroad for 3 months

iii) she told me that her friends accused her of flirting with a lot of guys, and she also said that she gets on a lot better with guys than girls..

 

iv) she told me that her brother had fallen in love with this girl, but she has a boyfriend, and anytime the boyfriend is away she uses him as she just missed him.. I asked her if the girl would ever leave her bf for her brother, but she said that no she wouldnt she was just USING him.........

 

Why would she tell me that?

Should I tell her how I feel before I leave?

I was thinking about getting her a present before I go.. just a small thing to symbolise a hug... good idea?

 

Ive been very careful to date to ensure that Im not coming on too strong, eg at the start I let her ask me to do things, I havnt told her how I feel etc etc

 

So Im confused as to where she's coming from.. is she just using me while her boyfriend is away?? But then why tell me that about her brother? Do u think that maybe she's trying to tell me that she isnt just using me, she genuinely likes me??

 

Veeeeeery confused.. if anyone could help me out here that would be really appreciated...

 

Thanks

[bobo85]

Help!!

 

I've fallen for a girl who has a boyfriend (he incidentally lives abroad!!). I met her about 2 months ago, and since then we go out like twice a week - not really on dates but just for walks and drives.

 

We flirt all the time, and make a big deal of hugging and touching a lot..

 

 

She has a bf but constantly goes out with you, flirts with you, and touches you. You picked a real devoted woman here.

 

The fact that you have strong feelings for a woman who is in a LDR works in your favor. The boyfriend doesn't get to see her everyday. But she may be the type of girl who needs attention from guys. Flirting for her may be normal behavior around guys but you might think its because she likes you. So be sure she likes. Even if she does breakup with her bf for you, you are moving away in 3 months. So IMO i would just leave her alone.

[friscodj]

Hey bro...

 

Your points 1 and 4 tell me to 86 this one...and point 4 tells me to 86 this one fast. You're at a crossroads here with this, kinda sorta in it but kinda sorta not. Still on the fence. I suggest you walk now before you invest more of yourself into this chick...

 

Why? For starters, regardless of the situation, she's taken. Period. Karma is so prevalent in relationships dude...

 

But her situation can always change with him? Right? So there is hope. That's what I thought until I read point 4...

 

Let me present it to you like this: do you think this guy is the only guy she's used or will use? This really shows the kind of woman she is. If I'd heard those words from a lady, I don't care if she was otherwise perfect in every way, shape, or form, that's not the way to treat people and I'd be gone before she told me about the last guy she used...

 

She's not your dream girl dude, she's someone else's nightmare...

[dave05]

Hey guys, thanks so far...

 

Few points...

I leave nxt week FOR 3 months...

86 her = ditch her????

 

She's told me that she cheated on her last bf and that broke things up, so I dont want to be the guy who makes her break up with this bf..

 

Maybe ill rephrase that last point slightly to make sure its 100% clear..

 

iv) she told me that her brother had fallen in love with this girl (lets call her X, but X has a boyfriend, and anytime the boyfriend is away X uses her brother as X misses her boyfriend. I asked her if X would ever leave the bf for her brother, but she said that no X wouldnt because X was just USING him, and she finds that its tough on her brother, so she's angry with X..

 

Does she not realise that thats exactly what she's doing with me? Or is that why she told me? Any psychologists out there???? Is she dropping a subtle hint that she's just using me cause her bf's away?? But why would anyone tell someone that, to date she's been nothing but nice????

[friscodj]

86 her = ditch her????

 

86 = GTF out!

 

Regardless of an accurate psychoanalysis here or not, she's taken, you're leaving in 3 weeks, I'd leave this one alone...

[Tigris]

Dave think of it this way. If she's doing this to her LDR bf with you she could do the same when your relationship becomes serious. It sounds to me like she doesn't regret what she does to them.

 

Stop this cycle now because you're doing yourself no favours! Whilst you're away you may meet someone who becomes special. There again just have fun whilst you're there to keep your mind off her.

 

I bet she's got someone else to 'play with' by the time you return home.

 

You deserve someone better who'll treat you right. I hope you find her soon.

 

Good luck.

[friscodj]

And you aren't fully invested into this yet. Get out now and cut your losses. Think of it as stubbing your toe vs. surviving a plane crash...

[Bethany]

It could be that Yes she does understand what she is saying but she either doesn't see it that way because its 'little HER' and she wouldn't dream of doing something like that, even though she is. If that's the case, she's just kidding herself or very stupid.

 

OR she is telling you that she IS using you.

 

Whether she thinks or admits to using you or not. She most certainly IS.

 

Either way dave, let her go, find someone new. You deserve better than 'walks and rides' with someone else's girl.

[ShroomzGod]

Dude, you're leaving next week. I say leave it for now, in 3 months who knows what's gonna happen with her bf. Everyone says take off, but I say keep in touch with her a tiny bit while you're away and when you come back she just might be single. If she is jump on that right away, ASK HER OUT! Don't come back as a friend. Like I said only if she is single again. Oh yeah find some girls abroad to have fun with to take your mind off of her, when you come back she might not matter to you anymore. In the mean time find other girls to have fun with. She might get jelous.

[Dating Coach]

I've fallen for a girl who has a boyfriend (he incidentally lives abroad!!). I met her about 2 months ago, and since then we go out like twice a week - not really on dates but just for walks and drives.

 

Not on dates, but on walks as friends... Key word, as friends.

 

She has a boyfriend, you should never have tried to get involved with a girl who is not available. That's downright underhanded and rude. Not to mention, if somehow you got her to hook up with you, she would have cheated on her boyfriend to be with you. What kind of girl does this?

In fact, I question this girl already. Her boyfriend is gone out of town on business and she's out meeting and hanging out with other men? My girl would NEVER do such a thing, and if she did, I would break it off. That's very disrespectful (unless the boyfriend okay's it) and I would be very suspicious of a girl (or guy!) doing this.

 

Now this is the thing I think I've fallen for her, she is the most beautiful, intelligent, creative girl I have ever met, Ive never met anyone before who has as much in common, like I had to tell her not so long ago that I wasnt making things up, as she seemed to have identical life experiences, to me and I was worried she thought I was just agreeing with her all the time. We flirt all the time, and make a big deal of hugging and touching a lot...

 

Your first sentence screams of "one-itus". Google the term. You agree with her often? How boring! How unchallenging! You're a yes man.

 

You should never have found out how "great" she was because she isn't available. It's your fault. You've intentionally walked into a situation with a taken woman and you suck up to her and think she is the best thing since sliced bread. Sounds like a recipe for failure to me.

 

Im very confused at the moment, I really want to be with her, but there are a few complications...

 

Let's look at your complications...

 

i) the boyfriend

 

Mentioned above. She's not available and you should take the high road and move on. She's got a man. Even if by some odd chance she actually did like you, she's underhanded and a cheater. Doesn't sound like the angel you talked about above. Are you going to rationalize that by talking about how much of a jerk the boyfriend is?

 

ii) i am moving abroad for 3 months.

 

Good. That's not a problem. That's a solution. The problem is you like a girl who isn't available.

 

iii) she told me that her friends accused her of flirting with a lot of guys, and she also said that she gets on a lot better with guys than girls..

 

Sounds to me like she is warning you that she isn't interested, and she simply enjoys flirting. Sounds like she is telling you to not take her fun the wrong way. You're her "replacement boyfriend" who gives her attention when he's away at work. Lucky you, lucky him. She gets the best of both worlds, the boyfriend gets a shady woman, and you get used. She still sounds great doesn't she?

 

iv) she told me that her brother had fallen in love with this girl, but she has a boyfriend, and anytime the boyfriend is away she uses him as she just missed him.. I asked her if the girl would ever leave her bf for her brother, but she said that no she wouldnt she was just USING him.........

 

Why would she tell me that?

 

Because she's doing the same thing? Because she's teasing you? Who knows. It doesn't change the situation that you're hanging out with a girl who's taken and who's using you for attention herself.

 

Should I tell her how I feel before I leave?

 

Never tell a girl how you feel. That's so desperate and lacking of a challenge. It's boring, it's drama. Instead, aks a girl out on a date, show her you like her through your ACTIONS. Don't talk about it. But don't do that with this girl.

 

I was thinking about getting her a present before I go.. just a small thing to symbolise a hug... good idea?

 

Why? Is it an offering to your goddess to appease her and make her favor you? Stop with the gift buying. She's not your girlfriend, she's the girlfriend of someone else! Quit trying to buy her favor with gifts and niceness!

 

Ive been very careful to date to ensure that Im not coming on too strong, eg at the start I let her ask me to do things, I havnt told her how I feel etc etc

 

You've definitely not come on too strong. You've come on painfully weak and shady. If you wanted her and refused to walk away even though she is not single, then you should have told her that she needs to dump her boyfriend and date a fun guy like you. That's it, take it or leave it. You've been wasting her time and yours.

 

So Im confused as to where she's coming from.. is she just using me while her boyfriend is away?? Do u think that maybe she's trying to tell me that she isnt just using me, she genuinely likes me??

 

I don't see any signs here that she likes romantically. Signs that she likes you is kissing you, grabbing your crotch, having sex with you, etc. She's just flirting and having fun when her main provider of those things is away. The only thing is that she gave him sex and love for his attention, you get the bill.

[dave05]

Hey all,

 

Thanks for the advice, especially FriscoDJ and Diggity, thanks for taking the time to reply so extensively ..

 

So I've now left the country and before I left I bought her a small present, and then left with just saying goodbye. However I've been away a week and still think about her all the time, so the other day I had to go ahead and tell her everything how I felt in an email (which was very similar to my first post - without the problems ) and just asked her how she felt and left it at that. I just wanted to be totally honest and open with her, so now she knows exactly where I'm coming from (whether thats a mistake or not I dnt really care, I cudnt put up with the wondering any more). So as yet I still havnt got a reply, but Im not really expecting one for a while as her bf now moved back home (ironic that he comes home just as Im leaving)...

 

If when I get back home, she still wants to hang out then I'll tell her straight.

 

If at the end of the day it dosnt work out, then it doesnt work out, it'll be a learning experince, but it's been a tough one..

 

Thanks again

Dave

[equinox]

From what I just read there, you are asking advice on how to steal another man's girlfriend. I have no respect for any man or woman that would steal someone from someone else. Also, this has been said already but if she is flirting with you then she is clearly not loyal. If she were with you, what makes you think that she would not flirt with other guys too??