Rehab facility for healing after break-up

[bstrong2day]

I found this on their website. I'm obviously in stage 2 and 3 right now. There is no exact science to this stuff though. I don't think I'll ever get angry with my ex. I never have. I have never intentionally tried to hurt her feelings ever in our relationship, Nor have I ever called her a name. I was never passive-aggressive either.

 

S.W.I.R.L. is an acronym which stands for the five stages of abandonment: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting - introduced in JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT.

 

1: SHATTERING - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You Succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you'll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You've been Severed from your primary attachment. You're cut off from your emotional life-line.

 

2: WITHDRAWL - painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin withdrawal - - each involves the body's opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation - - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

 

3: INTERNALIZING - you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with 'If only regrets' - - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

 

4: RAGE - the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of Rage against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you've been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

 

5: LIFTING - your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you've Learned. And if you're engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

 

A word of caution: When you Lift, it is important to take your feelings with you. Otherwise you Lose connection with yourself once again, creating an internal barrier to others.

 

You S.W.I.R.L. through the stages over and over within an hour, a day, a month, sometimes a period of years - - cycles within cycles - - until you emerge out the end of the funnel-shaped cloud, a changed person, better able to find love than before.

 

HELP is available. Each stage of the SWIRL process is explored in depth in JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT TO HEALING, and workbook exercises are provided for each stage in JOURNEY FROM HEARTBREAK TO CONNECTION

[bstrong2day]

How does this apply to my relationship considering I was engaged to be married for a year?

 

 

"What is abandoholism?

You’ve heard of food-oholism, work-oholism, shop-oholism and, of course, alcoholism. Now here comes another, most insidious, addictive pattern – aband-oholism.

 

Abandoholism is a tendency to become attracted to unavailable partners. Many abandonment survivors are caught up in this painful pattern.

 

Abandoholism is similar to the other ‘oholisms, but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak. You pursue hard-to-get partners to keep the romantic intensity going, and to keep your body’s love-chemicals and stress hormones flowing.

 

 

What makes someone an abandoholic?

Abandoholism sets in when you’ve been hurt so many times that you’ve come to equate insecurity with love. Unless you’re pursuing someone you’re insecure about, you don’t feel in love.

 

Conversely, when someone comes along who wants to be with you, that person’s availability fails to arouse the required level of insecurity. If you can’t feel those yearning, lovesick feelings, then you don’t feel attracted, so you keep pursuing unavailable partners.

 

You become psychobiologically addicted to the high stakes drama of an emotional challenge and the love-chemicals that go with it.

 

Abandoholism is driven by both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.

 

When you’re attracted to someone, it arouses a fear of losing that person. This fear causes you to become clingy and needy. You try to hide your insecurity, but your desperation shows through, causing your partners to lose romantic interest in you. They sense your emotional suction cups aiming straight toward them and it scares them away.

 

Fear of engulfment is at the opposite end of the spectrum. It occurs when someone is pursuing you and now you’re the one pulling back. You feel engulfed by that person’s desire to be with you. When fear of engulfment kicks in, you panic. Your feelings shut down. You no longer feel the connection. The panic is about your fear of being engulfed by the other person’s emotional expectations of you. You fear that the other person’s feelings will pressure you to abandon your own romantic needs.

 

Fear of engulfment is one of the most common causes for the demise of new relationships, but it is carefully disguised in excuses like: "He just doesn’t turn me on." Or "I don’t feel any chemistry." Or "She’s too nice to hold my interest." Or "I need more of a challenge."

 

Abandoholics tend to swing back and forth between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. You’re either pursuing hard-to-get-lovers, or you’re feeling turned off by someone who IS interested in you.

 

 

What is Abando-phobism?

Abandophobics are so afraid of rejection that they avoid relationships altogether.

 

Abandophobics act out their fear of abandonment by remaining socially isolated, or by appearing to search for someone, when in fact they are pursuing people who are unattainable, all to avoid the risk of getting attached to a real prospect – someone who might abandon them sooner or later.

 

There is a little abandophobism in every abandoholic.

 

For both abandoholics and abandophobics, a negative attraction is more compelling than a positive one.

 

You only feel attracted when you’re in pursuit. You wouldn’t join any club who would have you as a member, so you’re always reaching for someone out of reach.

 

 

How do abandoholism and abandophobism set in?

These patterns may have been cast in childhood. You struggled to get more attention from your parents but you were left feeling unfulfilled, which caused you to doubt your self-worth. Over time, you internalized this craving for approval and you learned to idealize others at your own expense. This became a pattern in your love-relationships.

 

Now as an adult, you recreate this scenario by giving your love-partners all of your power, elevating them above yourself, recreating those old familiar yearnings you grew accustomed to as a child. Feeling emotionally deprived and "less-than" is what you’ve come to expect.

 

 

Why does the insecurity linger?

Recent scientific research shows that rather than dissipate, fear tends to incubate, gaining intensity over time. Insecurity increases with each romantic rejection, causing you to look to others for something you’ve become too powerless to give yourself: esteem. When you seek acceptance from a withholding partner, you place yourself in a one-down position, recreating the unequal dynamics you had with your parents or peers. You choreograph this scenario over and over.

 

Conversely, you are unable to feel anything when someone freely admires or appreciates you.

 

This abandonment compulsion is insidious. You didn’t know it was developing. Until now you didn’t have a name for it: Abandoholism is a new concept.

 

Insecurity is an aphrodisiac.

If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached.

 

At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you.

 

 

How about following your gut?

If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons.

 

Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble – because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive."

[deejay74]

don't worry if you don't get angry. if you read my last post, you would've seen that i try to get mad but it only lasts a little while. i think you and i both are still idolizing our exes.

[bstrong2day]

I'm back. There hasn't been a break-up, although I can see one brewing on the horizon, and it's scaring the daylights out of me.

[Coyote9]

I sent you a private message on this bstrong...check out

link removed

[kgirl]

bstrong--

 

You don't have to just get your weekly therapy session. Google "email therapy" and "phone therapy". If you bring in some of those and are able to pay for it, you can have one session every day. Maybe right now for the next week it would be well worth it.

 

Also, posting and posting and posting on here until you feel okay walking away from this forum for an hour, and then a day, and then a week WILL HELP. Reading through other people's experiences will too.

 

Also, are you exercising every day? Honestly, this will help you beyond everything else. Can you take a long weekend to visit one of your out of state friends? Take some time to visit your family? Take up a new hobby in a group setting to meet some new people (again, craigslist or a community center should really help with this)? How about volunteering at your local animal shelter or halfway house? Some of this will distract, some others will give you perspective, but I promise you this, eventually if you keep throwing your energy back into yourself, you will feel better. You will feel a little bit better one day at a time.

 

And one day you will feel great. You may get back together with her years later, you may meet someone else and love them more than you could have ever imagined. I absolutely believe that you can do this. You must take care of yourself right now. Can you get a massage? Can you eat your favorite food for dinner three nights in a row? Can you pick up a good book, see a movie, walk around the house naked, whatever it does to make you feel better?

 

Have you ordered some self-help books online--like how to break your addiction to a person, how to get over a break-up in 30 days, etc.? Do these things as much as you possibly can. Channeling your energy will give you the strength you need to move forward. And don't forget, we are here and in pain too. We are all in rehab together.

 

Take care,

k