Talking about the past?

[drum4god]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 7 months. We love each other (though I think I love her more). The thing is I don't much about her past. I do know she was engaged for 3 years to a man in Puerto Rico, and he cheated on her and got married. This was about 6 years ago, and it crushed her. She did tell me she ran into him when she went to Puerto Rico New Years (we were dating) and she told me she felt angry seeing him. I have to admit this hurt me, but I didn't press her on anything else. However, I don't know much about the details, or her other relationships. We are both devout Christians and are have not slept together, and don't plan on doing that unless we get married. However, I still don't know much about her past. Was she sexually active, did she have many relationships. I do know she was very hurt, and perhaps that is why she doesn't talk about it. She does know alot of my past, and I guess I feel she knows more about me than I do about her. I know the past is the past, and we need to focus on the future, but knowing about the past can help you know the person a little better.

I guess my question is, when do you bring up the past? There is a part of me that is afraid to ask her about it. I don't know how I would handle the fact she may have been sexually active. I don't know. We have fun, and our conversations are pretty light for the most part. We have had a feel deep spiritual conversations, but nothing too deep. I want to get closer, but I don't want to push or force my way in. I still see she isn't that expressive with her emotions, and struggles to open up about certain things. I feel asking her about the details of her past would open the door for her to open up to me.

 

I don't know how to go about this. Has anyone dealt with someone who was very closed. If so, how did they open up. Did you ask questions, did they just open up. I don't know. I want her to open up a little more, but I just don't want to push it either.

[PassionatePices]

Hola drum4god

 

I agree the past is the past but the part that baited me to respond is this

"There is a part of me that is afraid to ask her about it."

 

In my humble opinion you should never be afraid to ask your significant other anything.

 

Take your time she will open up eventually and like you wrote she was crushed from the previous relationship.

 

Hang in their ....

 

Slainte'

[Dating Coach]

Why did she go to Puerto Rico recently?

[drum4god]

Why did she go to Puerto Rico recently?

 

She went New Years to visit family. She went with a friend and had these plans before she was dating me. The only thing is when she came back she broke up with me a week later. 7 weeks later she e-mailed me back, asking to if she can see my band play, and that she didn't like I was keeping my distance (I went strict, strict NC. No phone calls, e-mails for 7 weeks). She saw me play, and then we met for coffee, and told me she missed me, and had feelings and wanted to get back. She basically told me I moved too fast and scared her the first time, and it caused her to withdraw. Which was true.

 

Things have been awsome since we have been together. About a month ago I told her I loved her, she said it back, and we have been even closer.

I do sometimes fear she may flake out, like she did the first time, but again I was moving way too fast. I much cooler now.

She always tells me she loves me, but I always initiate it. Is it a big deal. I don't know. I would like to hear it from her first, but I do believe she does.

I guess I do have some fears that I need to deal with, because of what happened the first time.

 

Now back on the original point. I want her to open up a little more. I want her to express her feelings more. We did talk about this last week. She told me that she is not use to someone as expressive as I am, and at times it makes her uncomfortable. But she wants to work on it. I told her I wish she would be more expressive. I told her, when I don't hear words it makes me wonder. She understood and said she would work on it. So there is progress. I just don't want to push her. I want to pick my spots and its hard sometimes. I guess what I am saying is want to know a little more about her, but I don't want to make the same mistake I made the first time. I don't want to come of insecure, and I feel asking her about her past relationships and sexually history might come off that way.

I don't know. That is why I am here.

[Dating Coach]

She definitely didn't "run into" the ex in Puerto Rico. Her seeing him was very intentional. I also believe that something did happen between the two of them. Her seeing him was enough to convince me but then breaking up with you a week later confirms everything IMO.

 

I found it a little telling that you said you did a strict NC but the minute she asks to attempt the relationship again, you give in and hook up again. I see it as a matter of time before she decides to end it again. She's walked on you in the past and has got away with it, and now she asks to come back and you take her. Everytime I see this situation on the forums, it ends bad.

 

I hope it works out for you but I just don't see it. There is a reason you guys didn't work out the first time. You should have turned her down.

[drum4god]

I don't believe she went with him. He is married, and why would she tell me she ran into him. If she went with him, she wouldn't even mention it to me. Yes, she broke up with me when she came back, but there were signs even before she left to Puerto Rico. She was distant and cold, and didn't want to meet my family (I asked her to come over for Christmas and she said no) Now she is different. She is warm, affectionate, she looks forward to being with me. She met my family, and is coming with me to a family function in 2 weeks. She would have never done this in the beginning. We pray together every Monday and we both pray for our relationship. No, I believe she loves me. Of course I could be wrong, and she may not really love me. I guess she only really knows. I have been played the fool before, so it wouldn't totally shock me, but I really believe she is in this for love. What would she have to gain. She knows I love her, she knows I am not in this for games, she knows I am marriage minded. I am a very attractive, funny, kind, and have been great to her. What is there not to love. And for her to keep me hanging on and tell me she loves me, when she really doesn't would be cruel, and she isn't that way.

[Dating Coach]

I don't believe she went with him. He is married, and why would she tell me she ran into him. If she went with him, she wouldn't even mention it to me.

 

There could be a number of perfectly logical reasons. Rest assured that doing something like that is not uncommon. I've seen it many many times.

 

Yes, she broke up with me when she came back, but there were signs even before she left to Puerto Rico. She was distant and cold, and didn't want to meet my family.

 

More the reason to be worried about what she did down in Puerto Rico.

 

Now she is different. She is warm, affectionate, she looks forward to being with me. She met my family, and is coming with me to a family function in 2 weeks. She would have never done this in the beginning.

 

Good for you guys, but be careful. This is just the beginning. I'd be very wary of her actions if they start to revert.

 

We pray together every Monday and we both pray for our relationship. No, I believe she loves me. Of course I could be wrong, and she may not really love me. I guess she only really knows. I have been played the fool before, so it wouldn't totally shock me, but I really believe she is in this for love.

 

Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself, and if you have a history of being used, I am not surprised that this is how you are rationalizing it.

Look, I hope things have changed, and I hope you have a happily ever after ending, but I'm just telling you to keep your eyes open.

[yeawutever]

You should ask her about her past and why she wnet to Puerto Rico. Since she's still hurt over what happened, bad experience with her last relation, be prepare to calm her down in case she gets a bit hesitant and remind her that the past is the past and that you're not like her cheating ex.