Ex has you blocked but contacts you via email?

[Leigh]

NC for almost 2 weeks now... other than the indirect contact the ex seems to be having with me through my father on IM.

 

I found out another small tidbit of something that the ex said when my parents were at my old apartment picking a few things up July 4th weekend...

 

The ex apparently mentioned how I could have moved back in there even though we weren't together until I had my own job and new place arranged...

 

Of course, he never said this to me after the break up, but, then again, we have not spoken about "us" since the very first week that the relationship ended... maybe he was just saying it to alleviate his guilt.

 

Again, my parents mentioned how the ex had commented on being away from his computer and returning to find my IM message that basically relayed that I was a bit hurt and that I was cutting contact - but they had never told me until just now that he was angry at me for it... I don't really understand why that should make him angry - I was obviously hurting when I wrote it, so it wasn't like I'd done it vindictively.

 

I'm also finding myself analysing the timing of his comments this week:

- last Saturday he learns that I'm not returning to pack my own things in the apartment and that the furniture will be moved out by my family in October (all new news to him)

- The ex mentions how "he at least thought I'd be back to pack my things at some point"

- Monday he IMs my father to see if I've started working here yet - to which my father responds.. maybe next week

- Wednesday the ex gives a semi-offer of contract work for me through their biz

 

I guess the NC, but LC with my father, is getting to me because I'm starting to wonder if the timing of the offer of work knowing that in a week I might be tied into employment here was possibly in an attempt to show me that there was still a chance to work with them (the ex and his biz partner) before I take this new position.

 

I'm moving on with my life still, don't worry, just trying to figure out what his motives could be right now...if anything. He will also be here (our hometown) in another week and a half or so for three weeks, and I'm wondering if his mention of being unable to find a graphic designer (ie: my job) was a way for me to initiate contact before he comes home so that we might be able to see one another while he's here. I feel like I'm getting mixed signals because of the contact with my father - but I guess the only signal I need to worry about is that IF he still loves me, his pride is still most important as he refuses to initiate contact with me...but has no problem initiating with my father on almost a daily basis.

 

Any thoughts, as always, would be greatly appreciated.

 

L.

[Leigh]

Personal progress...

 

Job search abroad continues...counselling today... I'm visiting friends and getting out of the house... and have even managed to gain a couple of freelance jobs from my old contacts in the Caribbean... so definitely still trying to rebuild my life. Still hurts, but I'm doing my best to come out of this better than ever.

[backinlife]

Hi Leigh...

 

I can feel this is going to be a long one, hope you don't get bored

 

NC for almost 2 weeks now... other than the indirect contact the ex seems to be having with me through my father on IM..

 

How can that be right if it sounds so wrong.... day 11 for me...Hell! I am really convinced this NC is good for healing, maybe, but for reconciling i think its poison. It might have the effect on D that he finds out he really loves you maybe, but could you ever forgive him the pain? Not being there when you were down? Kicking you out for his piece of mind? Ahhh, really the lack of options is annoying. I am a person that likes to be in control, and this is out of control!

 

I found out another small tidbit of something that the ex said when my parents were at my old apartment picking a few things up July 4th weekend....

 

I think you are overthinking things. me too. I go back to old chat conversations and try to read into small words and things he said and all. and depending on my mood i get different results. I guess we are suffering from the difference between emotion and logic, but analyzing his words won't bridge this gap.

 

I give you exactly what i would think at different times of the day... Red is what i would think in the afternoon, when I am mostly angry, green what would be my morning-take on it - when i am romantic and crying and believe in love , and blue what i would thing at night, when i am over-rational and giving up

 

 

The ex apparently mentioned how I could have moved back in there even though we weren't together until I had my own job and new place arranged....

 

The idiot should have told you that if he would care for you a little

He regrets his decision and wants you to come back, he thinks his appartment is empty without you and he misses you

he is feeling guilty, still likes you as a friend and hates to see that you are suffering

 

Of course, he never said this to me after the break up, but, then again, we have not spoken about "us" since the very first week that the relationship ended... maybe he was just saying it to alleviate his guilt..

 

SO he dumps you out of the appartment and now he doesn't even want to take responsibility for his action and tries to look good in front of your relatives, he could have told you this... How much is a local phonecall in the states?

He sees his mistake of throwing you out and now he wants to make it good again, he is just to proud to say it

He is sorry things worked out so bad for you and he still cares, he would have taken you in generously as a friend, you can*t be together, but he is still a hero and generous

 

Again, my parents mentioned how the ex had commented on being away from his computer and returning to find my IM message that basically relayed that I was a bit hurt and that I was cutting contact - but they had never told me until just now that he was angry at me for it... I don't really understand why that should make him angry - I was obviously hurting when I wrote it, so it wasn't like I'd done it vindictively..

 

poor guy was angry at you being sad, how crazy is that? does he have a clue how angry you are? He kicked you out, took your home and your love, how angry are you???

You hurt him big time with your anger, he loves you and he can't take this now, after you have suggested a break, on top you demand he answers all your IM contact immediately, he is so crushed

He wants to be your friend and be there, he is frustrated that contact between you is now so complicated

 

I'm also finding myself analysing the timing of his comments this week

 

It could be all random. As much as you are switching between feelings he is too. Maybe his average is more towards its over and yours is more towards we can mend it, but he is going forth and back too. Think about all those weird feelings you are goung through. i am sure sometimes you think "Its good that he is gone" even if its only a split second. And he is sometimes, for a split second thinking " I want to get in my car and drive to canada and get my girl back, cause i am so lonely and made a mistake..." Its all there. All those feelings. As long as there is no action, we have to focus on what is actually there...

 

- last Saturday he learns that I'm not returning to pack my own things in the apartment and that the furniture will be moved out by my family in October (all new news to him).

- The ex mentions how "he at least thought I'd be back to pack my things at some point"

 

Which took a little power from him, he could have seen you look sad once more and felt alleviated cause he is such a hero

he would have loved you coming back and then he would have told you that his love is for real and asked you to come back

he wanted to catch up, and have adult-feedback talk of what went wrong and then he would have been able to be friends with you

 

- Monday he IMs my father to see if I've started working here yet - to which my father responds.. maybe next week.

Its none of his business, really, he chose to kick you out of his life

he is concerned you are moving away from him, cutting ties and have your own life now, he is scared you eliminate chances of reconciling

he is still interested in your life somehow, after all you have spend a lot of time together, just checking on you

- Wednesday the ex gives a semi-offer of contract work for me through their biz .

 

Sorry, but an offer is something else. I have little clue about business, but that is even too little between business partners.

he is trying to make a start for conversation so you two can get closer and reconcile eventually

he would like you still in your life, as a graphic designer and friend, he misses his friend and colleague

 

I guess the NC, but LC with my father, is getting to me because I'm starting to wonder if the timing of the offer of work knowing that in a week I might be tied into employment here was possibly in an attempt to show me that there was still a chance to work with them (the ex and his biz partner) before I take this new position..

 

You don't want that, if he is offering you that, he hasn't understood anything. That would be like me offering my Ex to participate in a threesome with my new girlfriend, or him asking me out for a bight with his drinking buddies to get wasted...

he tries to get the problem solved that led to your breakup. He understood that being stressed about the work thing was the reason things got bumpy and now he wants to show you that he can take care of that. Once he has gotten this out of the way, you will be fine and can be happy ever after

he wants to not break the busines contact with you, after all you did good work

 

I'm moving on with my life still, don't worry, just trying to figure out what his motives could be right now...if anything.

 

If he would come back it would be as clear as the fact that you want to come back... And anything else, well, why is it so important. Do you think he is sitting there, thinking what he did wrong?

 

In my opinion, the result of the red, the angry opinion is: move on, this guy has no clue what he's missing and maybe he will one day, but you can't wait for that

 

The result of the green and mooney opinion is: this guy loves you and doesn't have the balls to stand up for it, so move on, you can't wait for him to muster the strenght

 

And the conclusion of the blue is: This guy wants to be friends and colleagues with you after he hurt you so much. Do you want a friend like that? Probably you have better friends around. So move on, look at all those people in this forum, they keep at your side through this hard time, listen to every new development. I am waking up in the morning, checking on your post and I think about how you feel a couple of times a day… I know I don’t know you, but you touch me, even if only because we are in similar situations or cause i happen to have much time on my hands. And that is something

 

Probably it is all of the said at some point. he is in between all of that too. He doesn't seem to have a very clear line of thought either. But none of these currents are actually really useful. Time might make one or the other stand out, or make him realize what he really feels, but right now none of this is even worth thinking about.

 

He will also be here (our hometown) in another week and a half or so for three weeks, and I'm wondering if his mention of being unable to find a graphic designer (ie: my job) was a way for me to initiate contact before he comes home so that we might be able to see one another while he's here..

 

If he wants to see you to catch up, he will find you, he knows where you live. Really now, if you would have not been in a relationship with him, but would be interested in a realtionship with him, would you give him so much credit? If you want something you find ways. And this backdoor with the graphic design is a bad one, that raises to many bad feelings. I think he could make up something better f he really was interested.

 

I feel like I'm getting mixed signals because of the contact with my father

- but I guess the only signal I need to worry about is that IF he still loves me, his pride is still most important as he refuses to initiate contact with me...but has no problem initiating with my father on almost a daily basis..

 

I really think it is disrespectful of him to talk to your dad. Make it clear to your dad that you don't want to hear anything anymore, it drives you crazy. I thought he has so much backbone, so much pride, i think he should muster the pride to tell you personally or not at all.

 

 

Any thoughts, as always, would be greatly appreciated. .

 

I tried to take away the boredom of only my opinion by giving you the whole range of possible takes on this that is inside of me, but I am sure this is inside of you too.

 

Sorry, only my thoughts, and you have heard them many times, maybe too many times.... I would guess that, because my thoughts on my situation are similar, and i am pretty fed up with my thoughts, they are repetitive and make logical, but not emotional sense... the old trap of logic. Your man is a man of a lot of attitude... if he can direct it against you, he can also use it to get you back. He doesn't yet, at all.

 

I like my analogy, he slammed the dor in your face, now a slight knock can't bring you to open it again, no? He would have to open it wide. I know what you think, maybe he is waiting for you to open it again... but you did, you made it very clear that you are waiting for him to open it, and would smile at him if he did, thats all you can do without risking another door in your face. And it is good that you are not standing so close to that door again, it only makes us miserable standing in front of a closed door.

 

I am so sorry Leigh. I am so sorry. I know how it feels, unfair and cruel and hopeless. I am crying a river. My cheek skin is peeling off cause of the salt in my tears. Nothing will change it. Not our actions, not our words, not distance or proximity, not coincidence or anything else, not being self distructive against ourselves, not analyzing what was said, not clinging on or letting go. I think what has to happen will happen, and the answers and the whole world is inside of you. Do you know that split second of truth that appears when you are meditating, that second where you think you have it all inside of you and you are everything? That feeling is the truth, it doesn't come easy and it doesn't last long, but at least there are seconds when i am perfectly fine and centered. And getting closer to that in everyday life is more important than anything, and i think we will get there...

 

Wow, a long one...Don't think i believe everything myself i am telling you, seeing it written just makes it easier to believe for myself... I am sending you love (yes, there is still some left) and a big hug

 

Mona

[backinlife]

Three possibilities for your absense...

 

1. You are happily back together

2. You have moved on so much that you don't even want to post anymore

3. You are taking NC to another level and just include everybody....

 

Trying to be funny... Hope you are ok

 

Mona