Re-initiating contact after NC

[lawyerboy11]

Does anyone have advice on how to break NC? I have been doing NC for almost 6 weeks with my ex. It really helped me in the sense that I feel much more confident and happy with myself. However, it also allowed me to realize that I really do want to be with her and not that I just wanted to be with SOMEONE.

 

I know many of you don't recommend breaking NC ever, but I feel like I have to give this at least one more shot. I don't think I would ever be ok with myself if I don't because of the "what ifs". Even if I end up getting hurt and set back a little, at least I will have known that I tried as best I could.

 

Anyway, we work in the same building together, but very rarely run into each other unless we mean to. I know that in person connections are easier to make and more powerful, but I don't know about talking to her at work. I think I should probably call. But, I don't really know how to go about it. It seems very weird to me to just call after not talking for 6 weeks. Anyone have advice for breaking the ice? I just want to ask her out to a casual lunch to let her see how much I have improved. I won't have to tell her, she will notice (the change has been that dramatic).

 

FYI, we left on good terms, she just thought we weren't right for each other because I was really stressed and depressed and she didn't know how to help me, which made her feel bad about herself. I have done therapy and am on anti-depressants and feel really good now.

 

Thanks,

lawyerboy

Flower Mound, TX

[chai714]

If you can't coincidentally run into her then I suggest calling her. I don't recommend immediately asking for an in person meeting. I think you need to build up relations again and this can be done in a relatively short period of time since you two already know each other. Make sure you keep your conversations light and appear as if you don't want anything from her other than a good conversation.

 

*if or when you do meet up with her, pay attention to her body language and pay even closer attention to how you make her feel. How you make someone feel determines how they feel about you. So, always be aware of how your behavior is making her feel and concentrate on getting her to want to hang out with you more. Good luck.

[rnorth]

I agree with chai. Give her a call. But keep it brief; 15-20 minutes max. Don't bring up the relationship, just ask her how she's been, whether she is still involved in some of the same things you knew her to have an interest in, etc. Don't mention how you've changed; this is just a pleasant call to see how she is. Then before the call gets stale, have a reason to get off the phone prematurely..... leave on a high note! Last impressions are key here.

 

I do think - depending on the tone of the call - you could perhaps see if she would be interested in going for coffee sometime. Offer a time about 4-5 days in advance so that it creates some anticipation. If she hems and haws, just kind of laugh it off and say something like "silly, I just asked you for coffee, not the prom".... if she resists, don't push her and be okay with whatever she has to say. If she agrees, meet her somewhere neutral and once again, just keep the date short - 45 minutes to an hour. You want every last impression that you give her to be positive!

 

Whatever you do, do not act needy! Let her do most of the talking. Be happy and agreeable. If she brings up the relationship, actively listen (repeating her comments in an affirming manner so as to show you are listening, don't argue). But don't get defensive or argumentative. Right now, even if its the worst case scenario (being if she is dating someone now) you want to have the last impression of you be a positive one.

Remember, you have control of your actions and reactions. Even if she is dating someone right now, it probably won't last and if you show that you are okay with that (show, not say) it will demonstrate to her that you are no longer the same needy person she broke up with. That will create a tremendous positive impression.

 

Good luck!!!

[bobo85]

sorry but it sounds like your not over your ex. How do you know when you are over your ex? When you dont want to get coffee with her. Stick to NC until you no longer want to see her. A friendship with an ex will only delay your healing process and delay you from finding another person who you can be happy with. I know NC is tough and I know that you have fantasies of your ex being happy when you call her but you must be careful that her voice will not be welcoming and warming as it was. The person you fell in love with is dead and so is the relationship. Yes you can be friends with an ex but 6 weeks is not long enough. I would wait until i had a new gf...and when you do have a new gf....you wont even care about your ex.

[bobo85]

AGAIN DO NOT BREAK NC. The fact that you posted this in the "getting back together" forum instead of the ex bf/ex gf relationship is a true sign that you arent over her. So stay away from her and keep urself busy.

[lawyerboy11]

AGAIN DO NOT BREAK NC. The fact that you posted this in the "getting back together" forum instead of the ex bf/ex gf relationship is a true sign that you arent over her. So stay away from her and keep urself busy.

Bobo-

I understand what you are saying, but I am interesting in seeing her again and that is indeed why I posted under getting back together. Your signature says it all to me "When there is nothing else to do...go NC". Well, right now I believe there is something else to do. I have taken the time and space and improved and gotten in touch with how I really feel about the situation. I think in cases like mine, people need to take a shot, even if they fail, just to know that they did all they could. If I fail, then I have some closure. If I never try, I'll always wonder. It sounds as if you NEVER recommend any attempt to get back together.

 

I think rnorth and chai714 have it right. I will call and depending upon the conversation decide at that time whether to ask her to meet me for lunch this weekend.

 

Thanks,

lawyerboy11

Flower Mound, TX

[pablovblack]

lawyerboy11

Im with you man, deffinately do it, If you dont try you will never know, If She doesnt want to know, time to let her go.. 6 weeks is enough time for her to realise if she wants you back..

 

Please let us know how you get on..

[Johnathan]

since you ended it on good terms you can give it a shot. But you have to go in not expecting a damn thing. In the event you get burned, you're not going to want to be thinking 'but I thought all the pieces were in place for this to work out!' Because that will of course lead to more grief and less self esteem, which was the problem in the first place.

I think you have the green light to do it but feel free to wait a little bit longer as well, to gain even more emotional distance, which will aid you in not expecting a certain outcome. I'm always cautious of breaking NC when I was the one dumped. That's not to say it's always a bad idea, but I personally would want to be completely liberated emotionally from that person before I call/email, and then IF she reciprocates and is happy to have me in her life again, I can enjoy getting involved all over again.

[lawyerboy11]

The short and skinny of it is that I went to a function where she was Friday night. I intended to talk to her there casually and follow up with a call this week. When I got to the event, I saw her, but didn't go up to say hello right away. I didn't want to look too anxious. So, I grabbed a drink and sat down with some friends. She left within an hour. So, fast-forward to last night. I called her and she did not answer. I saw her at work today and she asked me if I had needed anything and I said no and that I just wanted to how she's been... She responded "after you ignored me Friday night?"

 

I tried to explain that she was talking to a group of people when I got there and didn't want to intrude and that I had planned on talking to her later that evening, but she left early. Anyway, she had to get to a meeting and told me to have a nice day.

 

As you know from this thread, I have been wanting to see if she will meet me for lunch this weekend. I'm not sure where today leaves me. Should I call again tonight? Should I go to her desk and strike up a conversation? Should I just let things be for a few days? I don't know. I guess it is good that she took notice of me on Friday, but bad that it apparently upset her.

 

lawyerboy11

Flower Mound, TX

[DCMann2]

You've been reading "How to Get Back Your Ex," haven't you? At any rate, I agree here. This is what I plan on doing within the next several weeks, but it'll be slightly more difficult for me since it's a long distance thing. We'll end up spending most of the day together (assuming she says yes to me asking her out), but I think that if I act happy and confident and all the other things I've been feeling lately, then the day will go by much too quickly, and it will be hard for both of us to say goodbye. It's strange, really, that things are going so well for me, since that very rarely happens, but I sure do appreciate this time, because this is THE most important thing in my life right now. Our relationship tramples over everything else in my life, but at the same time, I'm not letting it control me, and I think she's able to see that.

[lawyerboy11]

I went up and talked to her today at lunch. Just casual conversation. Then I asked her to lunch on Sat. She said she has a bridal shower that day. She is going to her parents house for Father's Day on Sunday. I brushed it off like it was no big deal and talked a while longer.

 

She told me how she was going to be busy next weekend too because she had an out of town party to go to and then her friends were coming into town. No big deal. So, before I left I asked if it would be easier to meet one day this week for lunch. Again, she has plans already for tomorrow and Friday. I know for sure that tomorrow's plans are legit, I assume Friday's are as well.

 

She said maybe next week. Sounds to me like she isn't really that interested or she would have made a point to figure out a time and she said maybe next week to soften the blow. It sucks, but I am glad I did it. I never let her see that I was upset by it and continued to act happy and confident.

 

I guess it is time to re-implement NC. If she calls for lunch next week great, but I am not expecting her too. I feel better for having tried, but of course it sucks to be turned down. Maybe this is exactly what I need to get myself moving past her. Only time will tell.

 

lawyerboy11

Flower Mound, TX

[Cute Band Rat]

Lawyerboy, I give you props for doing what you did. It took balls..AND you handled it gracefully.

 

I think sometimes people don't like being cornered into anythng definitive...so my suggestion would be to send her an email maybe in a few weeks...just casual...and maybe even a little flirty. ALWAYS be kind, regardless if she turns you down. Maybe if she knows or hears your're dating someone else her interest will perk up...knowing someone is ALWAYS there is kind of boring. Disappear for a while..but keep intermittent contact...and keep it FUN and light. NO serious talk!!!

[lawyerboy11]

Thanks Cute Band Rat.

 

It sucks, but I really am glad I did it. I'm going to take your advice and lay low and send the occasional email. I already bought her a birthday present (its coming up in about 6 weeks). I'm most likely still going to give it to her, but most likely with just a note that says Happy Birthday and nothing else. I've already spent the money and she will enjoy it, so why not. In the meantime, I am going to try to start dating others and continue improving myself.

 

I appreciate all the advice that this forum has given me. It's great to know there is somewhere one can go to get good sound advice and that people who don't even know you are caring enough to help.

 

lawyerboy11

Flower Mound, TX