Really needing some help on this one

[iceman85]

My girlfriend just turned 19 and i'm gonna be 21 soon. We were togther a year and a half and it was great. Then she lays a bit of a bombshell on me that she wanted a break. Then she wanted to break up. Well come to find out she had kissed another guy right after the break started. I was so hurt it felt like she cheated on me. Anyway I went to see her and talked to her about how hurt i was. She said she didn't expect it and she was very confused. I told her why couldnt we have another go at it and she said she doesnt love me like she should.

 

So we continue talking and we had moments, she rested her head on my shoulder and i would brush the hair out of her face, I rubbed her head for a little while, but then when it came to snuggling she said she felt uncomfortable. Shortly after that I left because I could see she was uncomfortable. She gave me a nice hug and a kiss after I asked her for one. She walked me to the door and we hugged a few more times. I whispered to her that I loved her, our next hug I felt her give me a little peck on the neck, and I returned the favor. I looked her in the eye and told her I hate whats happened and that she means the world to me. On the way out i turned around and mouthed "i love you" to her twice and she mouthed it back to me.

 

My question is what do i do? She has been hanging around with a new group of friends, mostly guys and that really bothered me when she first told me about it while we were still together. Shes been smoking, drinking and doing other questionable stuff recently and its new and not her. She says that her feelings are gone but I don't think they are.

 

I told her i couldn't talk to her or see her anymore and she became visibly upset that I would do that. I agreed that we can talk but it would be hard. I won't be initiating conversation, she'll have to do that. Our problems that our relationship had came up and we talked about them some which was good. She said our relationship had becoming boring and not like it was in the beginning, which i told her happens and that we were just in need of some work on things. She disagreed and said that wouldnt have done anything.

 

I told her that I dont want to close the book on us for good, I said if she needs to go and experience things then go do it. She agreed about not closing the book on us and just doing what she wanted to for awhile. It really hurts me that she is with another guy so quickly, she gets upset when I talk to her and i'm in such a horrible mood because of what happened. She says her feelings left but for some reason i don't totally believe her especially after what i wrote above.

 

While i'm really hurt I love this girl so much, what should i do?

[iceman85]

I thought I would post more so that you could understand more about the relationship.

 

We met while she was in high school and i was in college, she was just getting out of a relationship and i was pretty lonely and lost myself just starting college. We would hook up and see each other but we didnt start going out until months of this had gone on. She thought that I was embarrassed to be with her and thought that I really didnt want to be with her. When in reality it was that i liked her but wasnt sure. Eventually we did start going out and I came to realize that I was such an idiot for not starting things earlier. I think this hurt her quite a bit and she has mentioned it a few times, i told her how stupid and sorry i was.

 

Our relationship started and was wonderful she made me so happy and little by little we grew to love each other, it was something i totally didnt expect. We had our issues especially with each of us starting college. She started college and had alot of difficulty with it, I was really upset with her when she left because I felt I needed to be with someone who was in college and that wanted to do well for themselves. I got pretty nasty with trying to make her stay and it was the wrong thing to do. She did eventually go to another college and our relationship didnt really seem to suffer after the issue had gone away a bit.

 

We would talk about getting married and we both took each other's virginity. I was hesitant about it at first but I went for it when I knew I loved her. She was a very sexual person and that stopped toward the end of the relationship, she would never want to do anything.

 

I tried to be the best boyfriend I could, i would always try to show her how much I loved her, and i expressed some concern that she didn't always do the same. She said she had problems with doing that and i said it was alright and i was so happy when she finally made a breakthrough and did something very special for me.

 

She usually came to visit me at my dorm and college was stressful for me, i was going through issues with roomates and bad classes and I think sometimes I let that get the best of me. I would usually go to see her at home too and we would just hang out at her house.

 

She expressed concern about our relationship being boring and i told her there wasnt much I could do about it being at school, that i was stressed and that when the summer came I would do everything I could. I thought she just wanted me to do more, she thought i was cheap and didn't want to pay for her. She wanted to go out to eat all the time or for me to buy her stuff and I didn't want to do that all the time, I dont have a lot of money even though she thinks i do.

 

Throughout all these bumps I thought everything would be alright, and it was just things that would need to be worked on, I felt like I didn't really have the time to with school, I tried to listen to her and understand, but I thought that our love for each other would carry us through because no matter how much we would argue it would eventually seem alright.

 

When i got home for the summer she wanted to go out to breakfast so I was happy and thought it could be something good to start off the summer. I told her about this great place we should go to and she agreed. I had to wait for her to get up since her sleep habits are a bit weird and then we went, when we got there it was closed for breakfast and i was upset with her because I felt it was her fault that we missed breakfast. I told her that this was hanging over my head and i just wanted it to be over with. She told me she wanted to go home and I told her i snapped and that i was sorry i didnt really mean that, but she didnt believe me. We went back to my house and we had sex but it wasnt like it usually was.

 

Things seemed to be ok after this, we hung out like usual even though not as often since she started seeing a new group of friends. One night in particular i was over and she said she had plans with these people. That really hurt me that I had to leave her and she said she was sorry that she wanted to stay but that she doesnt break promises to people. I said alright and she told me she was so sorry, that she loved me and she would make it up to me somehow. She called me right after I left to tell me how much she loved me and how sorry she was.

 

Then a few days later she wanted a break, it struck me kinda out of nowhere since I didn't believe we would ever be apart. I figured if she needed time then so be it, but it was so hard for me to deal with. We still talked and saw each other but it was hard. Then she wanted to break up for good after i pushed her about things. I then cut off contact for memorial day weekend, she called me nonstop and very angrily. She said that we had plans to make plans and that I neglected that, I told her that I had no idea she would want to make plans esepcially after everything that transpired and that I thought she wanted to be broken up, she said that she just said that to get me off her back and that she didnt really mean that. So i asked her then what did she mean and she said she didnt know.

 

Since then I found out from a mutual friend that she kissed another guy on the first night of our break, i was so hurt, and figured this is why she wanted to break up. It really hurt not coming from her also. I got so angry and demanded to see her since I thought she cheated on me. Thats when the story goes to my first post. We talked, we had some moments of hugging, her putting her head on my shoulder, me rubbing her head, but when i tried to snuggle she was uncomfortable. Then as I was leaving I mouthed I love you to her and she mouthed it back to me.

 

I really appreciate all of your help because I really need it.

[iceman85]

anyone have any advice or thoughts, im really appreciate it

[ShroomzGod]

Wow I don't know, it sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. I would tell her that you want a relationship with her and if she doesn't want that then you give her some space to figure things out and dissappear for awhile until she knows what she wants. This girl is young and doesn't know what she wants. This same sort of thing has happened w/ me and 2 of my friends in the past 3 months. They both were with girls younger than them while mine was my age. * * * * happens, so don't wait around for her go out and find what you need.

[iceman85]

Weird, she called after 3 days of NC, i'm wondering what to do, how should i reply. I'll keep you guys updated, im thinking to just give her a short call back saying hey im doing good but i'm busy right now thanks for calling.

[ShroomzGod]

Yeah, try out The Perfect Plan and see how that goes. I'm not saying it'll work but it's worth a shot. All I'm saying is don't wait around for her.

[iceman85]

I'm not waiting around for her, i'm going out and trying to get over her, looking for someone else. Theres some intresting people out there and if I so happen to meet someone else then its her loss. I love the girl but I can't allow myself to be there for her whenever she feels like she wants it.

 

BTW any suggestions on how to contact her back? I'm up to a few missed calls from her now.

[ShroomzGod]

Tell her that you have been busy that's why you couldn't talk and keep the conversation short, make it sound as if you're moving on.

[iceman85]

Talked to her, she sent me a text message saying she needed someone to talk to and i told her I would be that for her. So i talked with her and a relative of hers had gone missing so I just told her how bad that was and hopefully they turned up, she asked about my weekend and I told her that i worked and hung out with friends, other than that I kept the conversation short and told her I needed to go to bed because I had a feeling I would have to get up early for work.

[joyce1412]

Talked to her, she sent me a text message saying she needed someone to talk to and i told her I would be that for her.

 

hmm. my advice would be to not go around saying a lot of things like that to her. don't offer all the goods you would offer if you were together when you are not together. but that's good that you kept the conversation short--leave her wanting constantly!

[iceman85]

Yes, I'm going back to NC, if she wants to talk to me shes gonna have to make the effort, however if it becomes a pattern that she thinks she can talk to me everyday i'm gonna tell her that we need to take at least a month with no contact.

[rnorth]

Good job keeping the conversation short.

 

You want the last impression that you give her to be a positive one.... not needy, but strong and independent, yet still caring.

I agree with joyce1412 to a point. If you want her back, better that she cry on your shoulder than that of some other guy. However you have to walk a fine line between being there for her and being your own person and being somewhat scarce.

[iceman85]

I have no idea if she talked to the other guy about this or not, it is good that she felt I was someone she could talk to about this, however I kept the conversation to 15 mins max and gave the impression I was doing well and was strong, I never mentioned our relationship or brought up anything about what shes been up to with whomever.

 

It kinda sucks cause I feel like i'm back at square one now with the NC, but i'm gonna keep it up. I'm just not sure what i should do now.

[iceman85]

Do you guys think I should flat out tell her we shouldnt have contact for awhile or just not say anything and do it on my own, or continue to talk to her every once in awhile? i'm so confused. If you read my story she says her feelings are gone but then she does what she did? Also she tells me that if I ever saw one of my ex gfs that I have talked to a few times and that she hates me talking to and got really upset when she found out i was talking to that there would be zero chance of us getting back together. Why would she say that if her feelings are completley gone like she said? She confuses me so much. I love her so much and just wish I knew how to get her back.

[iceman85]

Just an update she's called three days in a row now. I havent answered the past two and last night she left a mumbling voicemail saying she wanted to talk but i was unreliable so whatever. She usually does that to get a reaction out of me to call her and I held strong and haven't so far.

 

What should I do now? I feel like i'm so close to calling her but I don't know what to do.