Feeling forgotten

[kez_23]

I'm new to this site. Iwas looking for somewhere like this as I have a problem that is eating me from the inside out.

 

(sorry this is so long)

 

I'm good friends with one of my husbands male cousins. Just friends. We are have been friends for about two years now as before that he was 'just a kid' he's 19 now and I'm 28. The age difference means nothing to our friendship.

My problem is that three months ago he got himself a girlfriend. She's an awesome girl and I like her. But she lives a four hour drive away so on the weekends he goes up to visit her, or she comes down here. Most of the time he goes up there. This really upset me at first as we used to hang out heaps on the weekend. And about two or three times during the week play basketball at the local park. So I learnt to deal with the fact that on the weekends I would be forgotten. I was happy that at least a few times during the week I got to spend some time alone with him. Don't get me wrong there is nothing going on between us. I'm just not a very social person and I'm not good in groups, I prefer one on one meetings. So I was happy with seeing him just on the weekdays. But the last two weeks this hasn't happened. The first week he was away for work but I was upset this week just gone as I didn't see him till Thursday after not seeing him for about 10 days. He invited me to go shopping for a present for his gf with him. I was really happy that I was going to get some time to hang out with just him. Only to get to his house to find he had another (female) friend with him. Turns out this is an old friend from high school. They have remained friends but she lived 2 hours away. But she's recently moved into a street near him. So now he hangs out with her on the week days.

While I was driving they were discussing how THEY should go clubbing one weekend..... I've always been his clubbing buddy since he turned 18, we've only been clubbing once since he got his gf. Now he's planning on going with this other friend (his gf is only 17). She even invited herself up the coast with him one time when he goes to visit his gf for a weekend. That hurt because I've been wanting to go there with him. When we dropped her off he got out of the car and gave her the biggest hug. He hugs all of his friends EXCEPT me.

Now I'm questioning if I should continue to be his friend. He's never going to have any time for just me anymore. Everytime I ask him if he wants to do something he's always busy. We only get to do stuff when he calls me. I do everything for him. Anything he asks for I give him if I can. He's my best friend. I'm not his best friend. I feel like maybe he doesn't even want me around anymore but he's always insisted that he's a friend for life and I can't change that.

I don't know if I should talk to him about me wanting to spend time with just him once a week at least because then he'll think I'm trying to have more of a relationship with him then just friendship. Which I'm not. Yes I love him. But only as a friend. I don't want any romantic links with him.

Can someone please give me some feed back. Am I expecting more then a friend should? Should I stay friends with him? I'm feeling really ignored by him even though he made the effort to invite me shopping.

 

I just don't know if I'm been irrational

[JJRadical]

Listen Kez...its not irrational to feel the way you do...when people don't recipricate (or whatever that word is) it hurts...but it is irrational for you to put expectations on him...a 10 year gap wouldn't be a big deal if he was 29 and you were 38. But at 19 he doesn't want pressure and it seems being a friend of yours is going to be pressure-ridden with all the expectations...its not his fault your lonely and can't be in a group...he doesn't ask you to do everything for him...even though i believe you that there is no romantic interest what is glaringly obvious is what a noncompanion your husband turned out to be and that is probably the real issue here...it really is unfair of you to put all this on this kid...find a style of your own and the friends will come...

[Reilly2856]

I think it may be best to put a bit of distance between you two. If you relieve the pressure on him to spend time with you, when he misses you himself...he'll come back.

 

I do have to agree with the previous post: you really need to spend more time with your husband. Why don't you go out clubbing with your husband, go away for a weekend...or even, play basketball with him instead. Basically, you are being too dependent on this guy alone. You need to establish new relationships with new friends and try to involve your husband more in your interests. In time, you will not feel like your being ignored because you'll get the attention and love from your other relationships.

[nottoogreen]

Hi kez,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

IMHO he is growing up and detaching from you, whom he sees as his big sister. He will have his own life, do not expect him to have much time for you.

 

In a way he is you little brother but I also feel that possibly a further cause to your close attachment to him is hidden in the relationship with your husband.

 

Could you please tell us about your relationship with your husband, and what you feel about him?

 

Also is your husband much older than you?

[kez_23]

Hi thanks for the replies. I understand what you are all saying. I think I'll just give him some space. I know if he wants to continue the friendship I'll still be here for him.

 

I do love my husband, we are trying to start a family together and he's only one year older then me. But he's way more mature, whereas my maturity is like that of a 23 year old. We've been together for 10 years now and have been married for almost 7 years. Last year was the toughest of our relationship. I did leave him for four days but couldn't live without him and he wanted me to come back so I did and things have improved since then.

 

I love to go clubbing and play sports and do crafts unfortunately my husband enjoys none of theses things, he is a computer lover and prefers to play computer games while I'm out playing sports or clubbing. He always gets invited along though, it's him who choosed not to come with us (his cousin and I) My husband and I do have one interest in common, a internet computer game that we both play and we talk about it with each other. (We have two computer in the house as just one was causing arguments) We also go to movies together and timezone and that. Sometimes I go to the movies with just his cousin as my husband tends to be too sersious at times and sometimes I like a break from that. I enjoy the fun nature of cuz, without the I want to go home attutide of my husband.

 

I've never told cuz that I want to spend time with him alone and usually wait for him to call to invite me out. So I dont think I've been putting pressure on him. With his previous gf he went quad bike riding most weekends and I was jealous because he never asked me to come along. I eventually cracked and told him this (after he'd broken up with that girl) and he said "well u should of said something. I'm not a mind reader" So I don't think he's caught on to the fact that I'm missing him. I don't plan on telling him either. Not now after the help from this site. I think my main problem is stopping the bitterness eating away at me. It's hard to give such a close friend the space they need.

[nottoogreen]

Hi kez,

 

Seems you used your cousin as a standin. Your relationship with your husband is lacking and needs some work now. I am also wondering whom you love more, your cousin or your husband...

 

Your husband likes computer games, how many hours per week does he play?

 

What games he plays (like Action, RPG) ?

 

Do you feel game-play is his main interest?

 

What about his job, is he happy?

 

How is your sexlife?

 

I am asking all this because I am wondering where your husband is at home - in this world, or in a gaming world.

[kez_23]

Hi nottoogreen.

 

I'm not the type of person to use anyone, I'm more likely to be the one been used. But at one time I "was" obessed with his cousin (one way feeling cuz never felt that about me), however I would never have made a move on him. My husband picked up on this and that is why last year we had a really bad patch in our marriage. After I left my husband and came back to him cuz (that is when his cousin and I call each other) and I grew apart as he was always with his gf (now ex), but after a while he came back to me for friendship. I think he missed me. So our friendship returned but I've never been obessesed with him like I was before.

 

As for my husband he's not happy with his job but we need it as I can only find part time work. If I'm home when he gets home of an afternoon I'll get off the computer and we spend about 30 minutes cuddling and talking on the couch. Then he goes to his computer in the spare room where he more on less stay's till he's ready to go to bed. I even take him his dinner in there as it's too hard to get him off the computer. He's into games, the game we both play is called Runescape, it's very addictive. It has a chat on it and throughout the night we occasionally chat through it or talk to each other about game stuff from his room to the dining room which is where my computer is. We can kind see each other from our computers if we try hard enough.....

The sex life I'd say is pretty good for a married couple we um do it about 3 times a week. But now that I'm trying to get pregant it's about every second day or so inbetween cycle day 10 and 20. Hubby was my first boyfriend and he's the only guy I've ever slept with, ever kissed even. I'm the only girl he has ever been with too. High School sweethearts, we met in year 12 and have been together ever since.

 

I think I've answered all the questions, let me know what you think.

 

Kez

[nottoogreen]

Hi kez,

 

Oops about the word used, I meant in in a positive way "wanted" or "became dependent on" is better. I am a bit direct you know.

 

I now also wonder if your husband got into the games more because of you and your cousin.

 

At least you still have happy time with your husband. Also you like to have a child together, upbringing of which you can share together.

 

Sounds your husband likes games too much, it's close to an addiction. Please be concerned, RPG can do lot's of damage to peoples lives just like alcohol or drugs or other obsessions. RPG affects people of low self esteem or people with problems or low achievement most.

 

Please forget about your cousin and put the energy into your relationship with your husband and please talk to your husband about having more time together. He should also share some of your interests and compromise with you.

 

You have to be careful to motivate your husband to return to the real world and play games less.

 

Could you motivate him to study more, have a better job, also you?

[phantomwolff85]

While I definitely feel he's gaming too much I also know that it can be tough to make time with the significant other when you don't have much in common. I would try and find a new hobby together that you two can share.

[kez_23]

have you ever tried to get a male addicted to computer games away from the computer? If you have and succeded without him getting angry please let me know how you went about it!

[nottoogreen]

have you ever tried to get a male addicted to computer games away from the computer? If you have and succeded without him getting angry please let me know how you went about it!

 

Kez, you see the problem now, you have to work on a solution.

 

Please think long-term, how will he, you and your relationship, marriage be in 5, 10, 20 years?

 

What about the child you desire?

 

Me thinks, given patience you can make progress. You can also research the web (google) on gaming addiction.

 

Kez, be strong and be in charge

[CHINOOKA]

well, it sounds like your friend is not playing straight with you. If his awareness is that bad with you, how does he figure hiimself out of a wet paper sack? I would be wanting more from a friendship as well. Looks like he prefers to spend his time with others. Do not give him money or other favors. You can't buy friends.

[kez_23]

Don't give him money? I'm going to give him $5.00 that's for sure. I had to help his dad out yesterday so I was over his house when he got home from work and I was invited to stay for dinner by his dad. So cuz and I played pool while waiting for dinner. They have this "house table" rule if you get 8 balled (meaning you don't sink any of your balls by the time the other player has sunk all theirs) you have to strip naked and run a lap around the pool table. He's 8 balled me heaps of times but never made me do the lap. (I'm very overweight no one wants to see me naked yay) but last night he insisted that I play by the rules. We argues back and forths about it till eventually he said the only way I could get out of it is to pay him $5.00. Yep that sounds fair to me.

 

Well yeh at dinner we discussed who was doing what to watch the State of Orogin (bad spelling) and he said he's going to a mates place. Did I get an invite from him??? No. Three weeks ago when it was on he invited me to the RSL to watch it with him. But now another friend is around and I'm left out. Same old same old. Whenever I make a friend eventually another friend comes and I get dumped.

 

But no he insists we are still friends, he said so on msn the other night. So it seems I can't escape his friendship as he won't let it go but he doesn't seem to want to put the time into it that I need to want to remain friends with him. I'm stuck.