Resurfacing after 10 years

[Magic_star829]

Hi,

 

I have never told anyone about what happened to me because I believed and still partially believe that it was my fault/that I knew better. I was abused from age 8-13 (I'm 20 now) by a family member. I don't want to go into detail now but I just want to know if it's normal for it to come back strongly now. I have always had issues with guys, physically I feel uncomfortable doing certain things, it takes me a long time to trust, and even longer to feel ok to feel pleasure. I have managed to push it down for a while now...but lately it just seems to be screaming to come out. I feel like I should just be able to let it go...and move on. Part of me though really just wants to get it all out, tell someone, not particularly a psychiatrist but my mom or even a close friend. I just feel soo pressured...like it is ALL on my shoulders. I am dealing with alot of other things right now, kind of going through a hard time so I don't know if that is why it has surfaced..also I realise it is interfering with my relationships...but I am really afraid to tell anyone because I know it would tear my family apart. My aunt is already depressed enough as it is, my grandma (who would be the most affected because it is her son) has been through enough with cancer, health probs, etc...I don't want to hurt her I love her dearly, and I'm afraid if I tell...I won't be liked/loved anymore. I mean I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I should have known better, and that I knew what I was doing. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would help.

[melrich]

First it is normal for these feelings to re-surface years later even more so given you have not confronted the events that happened to you, you have essentially tried to bottle them up.

 

It is critical you find someone to talk to about what happened. I'd advise that you go to the authorites and report the offender but that may be too big a step for you at the moment.

 

But talking these things out is almost the best therapy. Can you afford or get access to a prefessional counsellor? If you leave this unaddressed it will continue to haunt you.

[nicorette]

i cant relate, as ive never had this happen to me. but i think you SHOULD talk to somoene close to you. you need to let it out. there is no way to heal if you dont. if you keep it bottled in inside itll only prolong the pain. get it out, to your mom, or a close friend. or a counselor, theyre confidential. even if you need to talk about it on here everyone here is willing to help. i do think you should let it out, let someone know how you feel, someone cloes to oyu.

[Gracelove]

You should definitely go to a therapist. If you don't things will only get worse.

This probably came up because you are under so much stress.

I know how you feel about tearing your family apart.

I was raped and I feel like it ripped my friendship apart. The girl I was friends with is friend with the guy who raped me; she and I are no longer friends.

I feel like the rape ripped apart our friendship, but in truth, she wasn't really my friend.

If something bad happens to your grandma as a result of you telling her what happened, then it isn't your fault.

She is just unable to handle the truth. Besides the only reason that it's your truth is because some horrible person decided to rape you.

So if your family gets "ripped" apart, then it's his fault.

Granted that won't make you feel any better, but keeping the truth hidden will probably eventually tear you apart inside.

Let it out, it will help you to feel better.

If you can't say it then write a letter, or E-mail, something...

But I really think you should see a counselor.

I tried to surpress my rape for a couple of months and my emotions started spiraling out of control, forcing me to seek help.

Maybe this is your signal to seek help.

[Magic_star829]

Thank you for your replies I know I need to get it out..I just don't feel ready to actually tell someone yet. I think I may write it down though, maybe tell my story on here. See it's very complicated because (and just to clarify I wasn't raped...but was sexually abused many different ways) but *he* isn't totally normal, see he has a mental delay problem I'm not sure of the exact term...he lives with his parents and probably will need to for the rest of his life, and he can't read well, or write, he can speak almost normal minus big words, and he can cook and be on his own, but I still am not 100% sure that he has that self control normal people have...I mean there was a time I was sure he knew right from wrong...and the fact that he told me not to tell and he did all those things in private makes me believe he knew it was wrong, but maybe that thing that makes most people have self control or common sense maybe he didn't have..but then I think maybe like alot of the guys I've dated...he let his lower brain control him. See that is why I'm so conflicted...

[Rain__man]

I agree with everything except the councelor part... I've been in "counceling" before, and unless you know one who comes very highly reccomended by people that are changing as a result, you're better off battling your own demons. There's nothing worse than trying to confide and trust in someone (and paying them all the while) who hasn't even faced their demons, and is telling you all about what they learned in college about yours. You just have the feeling their ego is even weaker than your own, and that they feed on making themselves feel better by listening to other people's problems all the time. You'll get more healing from reading, and telling random people on the street about your problems than a lot of "professionals". I guess I'm not saying don't seek counceling, just don't expect that you'll be talking to someone who's been through this before.

 

Definitely GET IT OUT though. You are worth more than any family that wouldn't believe you, or think less of you for what this piece of sh** did. You may have to face some of that... but it will be worth it in the end.

[sonjam]

First of all, I want to tell you that it was definitely NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

It doesnt matter if this guy is retarded or slow or not, you were a YOUNG GIRL of only 8 when all this started, and by making you hide it and him hiding it he KNEW IT WAS WRONG. No excuse there. The problem is, now you sit with feelings of guilt, of anger, of self loathing, and you are worried of loosing the love from the people who you love if you tell.

 

For heavens sake, we need to ensure no other innocent young girls are left in this man's presense alone in future, for fear of the same thing happening to them!!

 

And you need to confront these demons in you, let them out, and start healing. It's like a festering sore that you try to heal by putting a plaser over it. It never goes away and it starts ooozing from time to time. You need to cut it out, and nurse yourself back to health. If you don't take these steps you will carry this burden and this guilt forever.

 

I would say the first step would be to forgive yourself, and KNOW you did nothing wrong, you were just a kid!! If you can do this, you will be able to withstand any negativity (not that I think you would get any) that gets angled against you. This would also be the first step towards recovery.

 

If you want to talk on PM i'm here for you!

[Gracelove]

I still think you should inform his parents, despite his mental disability.

I agree with you, if he told you not to tell he had to be aware that what he was doing was wrong.

His disability shouldn't keep you from telling the truth.

Maybe there is something that can be done to help him. If he has access to another little girl he may do the same thing.

I think it would be best to inform someone, if he has difficulty comprehending certain things, someone who understands him should communicate that his behavior is inappropriate.

Don't take it all on yourself. I know it feels better to "inconvience" yourself as opposed to everyone else, but it isn't really better.

Hang in there. Baby steps. It's hard to do certain things. Sometimes it's really hard to mention anything about the situation.

[Magic_star829]

Thank you so much for your responses it means alot and I really hear what you are saying, and I DO want to do that..but I just can't yet, and that is where I am beating myself up because A few years back he was charged for sexual abuse when he was on vacation with my grandparents, I'm not too sure of the details, but he went into the women's bathroom or something and not too sure what happened but the girl pressed charges...they went to court, and I think he was banned from that place and fined, that was it, and also my cousin has told our family about things he did and they didn't believe her, well half the family didn't, only her parents did, and I feel AWFUL because I didn't say a word, that he had done soooo much to me etc...and I left her out in the cold..she has all these problems on top of that now...and well also my sisters told me that he was starting to do things like he started with me...innocent touches that could be misinterpreted as nothing...in case anyone ever told, but that were innapropriate...and this KILLS me I love my sisters more than anything and I told them if EVER he did ONE thing that even made them uncomfortable to tell right away, and to make it vocal, and they are strong personalities so I know they will, and told them to not hang around with him alone etc...he hasn't done anything with them since because he knows he can't get away with it..but I know if I just told I could put a stop to this...I feel like I'm going to collapse with the pressure...I don't want to be responsible for breaking our family apart...but I don't want him to do it to anyone else...now when on msn...he asks me, my sisters and brothers for us to get pictures of girls for him....and I usually block him...but thing is when my grams and dad are on they are usually talking to him too and if they know I block him they will say don't be mean etc...talk to him...He sends me hearts, tells me he loves me which makes me cringe. and askss me to get girls for him, to send pics of me to him, which I don't but just the fact that he asks gets to me. Anyway I am sooo conflicted I feel like the world is on my shoulders. Help. please.