Not Ready for a relationship

[05evo]

Has anyone here ever been in this situation...? You really like a girl and you think that she really likes you but shes not ready for a relationship because her and her ex just broke up and it was a rocky relationship?? If you have please tell me how it ended for you did you just give up, what did you do to win her over and get in a relationship?

[kellbell]

Hi there,

 

I broke up with my ex whom I dated for 4 years and we lived together 3 out of those 4 years. We broke up in December 2005 and I got into a new relationship (LDR actually) 2 months later. He did not win me over, I WANT to be in a relationship with him. My relationship with my ex was extremely rocky last year and I had enough.

 

I have a feeling this girl likes you as a good friend. IMO if a person truly wants to be in a relationship, he/she will go for it. If not, he/she won't. When a person gets reasons/or excuses, he/she probably does not want a relationship with you.

[asmodai]

An ex gf broke up with me giving that as the reason. She had come off a relationship of 4 or so years and looking back i was pretty much a rebound guy. I think when she realised that she broke up with me. I dont keep in contact with her anymore, i wanted to, she said she would so i left the ball in her court and she never got back to me so i left it at that.

 

From that experience i would never do a rebound relationship. I'd be happy to get to know a girl but keep things fairly light and not let myself get too invoved as they'res a pretty major chance it wont last.

[arwen]

It might be genuine, but it might also be a way of saying she is just not that into you. Don't go chase her, don't wait for her either. Just keep in touch with her, and see if things change. If not, move on from her. To be honest, I think that if she felt she REALLY wanted a relationship, she wouldn't want to risk you walking away with someone else. She'd at least suggest the two of you starting to date casually.

 

Ilse

[teacup]

It's possible for a person not to be ready and to not have gotten over a lot of emotional crap. BUT....if someone really likes you, they don't want to risk you going out of their life....Soo....they would at least want to see you sometimes. Mabe not a lot and not often, but at least sometimes. Or they may want to build a strong friendship first.

[05evo]

well we are constantly contacting each other, calling back and fourth I think it is possible for a person to like another just not ready to jump right back into another relationship right away because they don't want to get hurt as bad again

[bhzmafia]

Move on dude...

You are friendzoned now, just move on before you get too involved like I did. IF she liked you, she wouldnt be using her past relationship as an excuse, rather she would be trying to hide it.

[arwen]

Of course it is possible that she is really into you and doesn't want to risk developing a relationship and confuse her really liking you with wanting a relationship (rebounding). We can't decide this here at the forum, we don't know the girl, and your situation.

 

Maybe she just needs a good friend now, she is probably upset about the break up still. Give it some time. Personally, I don't really believe in some sort of permanent friendzone (but that is personal, I am in a happy relationship with someone who was my friend for a long long time, even during other relationships). Feelings can change (away from someone and into someone!).

 

Ilse

[bhzmafia]

Ilse - If he really likes her, but she just wants to be friends, whilst it may seem GREAT to hang around her whenever possible because you just love to be around her, its an empty great.

Hearing her talk about her ex's, hearing her talk about guys she thinks are hot... its not fun.

I know that while it may seem like that is what you want evo, dont do it. Dont be her therapist. Dont be there for her every beck and call. Dont let her see you as just one of her girlfriends. Not only will it make you feel really bad because you always want something more to happen, but you also its harder to get friendzone.

Use all the control you have to stop hanging around her and look for someone else.

[teacup]

I don't get this friendzone thing. I think of ALL men as friends first unless it changes later on. men must be different.

[bhzmafia]

Say there was some guy who really liked you teacup, but you just thought of him as a friend. He was REALLY into you. One-itus style. This is what you have to try and avoid as a guy. If someone who you are infatuated with only likes you as a friend, you are doing yourself a displeasure by hanging around with her, no matter how much it may seem like you are enjoying it.

He will keep hanging around thinking that you might change, but then he has to listen to all that friend crap, like 'omg hes so hot' etc. Hearing that sort of stuff just makes you want to sink into whatever chair you are sitting in.

[Johnathan]

I think when a girl tells you she just got out of a long relationship it doesn't necessarily mean you should run for the hills. Each situation is unique. Some are guy-a-holics and you are their rebound, but some are looking out for themselves (and you) by not jumping back into anything so fast. The trick is telling the 2 types apart. That can be damn near impossible.

[05evo]

could you be "friendzoned" if you've already hooked up and kissed a few times???

and she said she has feelings for you and cares about you?? I know how bad her past relationship really was...

[gesssho0o]

If she has expressed some interest and you've already hooked up a bit, there's a distinct possibility that she may be interested in dating you after a little while. My good guy friend had recently asked about us being exclusive but I had turned him down saying I wasn't ready but wanted to continue hanging out with him. Now I'm wondering if I made the right decision because I've been contemplating dating him now. So, there still may be a chance. Question is, is she worth waiting out that possibility? Are you willing to bear out the friendzone period in the off chance she may come around?

[bhzmafia]

could you be "friendzoned" if you've already hooked up and kissed a few times???

and she said she has feelings for you and cares about you?? I know how bad her past relationship really was...

thats what happened with me.

actions speak louder than words, and if she really had the hots for you she'd be trying to hide her past relationship, not using it to get out of one with you.

[teacup]

Say there was some guy who really liked you teacup, but you just thought of him as a friend. He was REALLY into you. One-itus style. This is what you have to try and avoid as a guy. If someone who you are infatuated with only likes you as a friend, you are doing yourself a displeasure by hanging around with her, no matter how much it may seem like you are enjoying it.

He will keep hanging around thinking that you might change, but then he has to listen to all that friend crap, like 'omg hes so hot' etc. Hearing that sort of stuff just makes you want to sink into whatever chair you are sitting in.

 

uh-oh. gah! why are men so difficult?!! so how can i figure out what a man really wants? friendship or otherwise? so if im thinking friend and he is thinking lover...there's a boo-boo. and if im thinking lover and he's thinking friend......another boo-boo.

 

boo hoo, can't win!

 

so if i just think friend to all men.....then if he wants something more.....then i'll think about it. that way....i win! whee!

[05evo]

So what do you guys reccomend I do to get us acting normal again... girls specifically what would you want a guy to say to you or do to get you back again?? A lot of people told me to not call so much or at all make her feel like I am not there every second of the day...

 

One more thing is... I got my wisdom teeth out on friday and she was the first person to call me and see how I was doing... And everytime she finds out im talking just TALKING to another girl she has to say something about it like "ewww (girls name)" are those good signs??

[Dating Coach]

I don't get this friendzone thing. I think of ALL men as friends first unless it changes later on. men must be different.

 

Or maybe you are different.

[Dating Coach]

could you be "friendzoned" if you've already hooked up and kissed a few times???

and she said she has feelings for you and cares about you?? I know how bad her past relationship really was...

 

Yes. She may have been into you at one point but then lost attraction to you and has since friendzoned you. Very common. Actions speak louder than words and if her current actions are showing you that she isn't interested despite what words come out of her mouth, then she's not interested.

[05evo]

Hey everyone... a lil update on my situation:

 

I went in to the whole no more calling, texting and iming thing and she didn't bother trying to contact me so I didn't her. Then on Friday her brother decides to have some people over so I agree to go over but I didn't know she was going to be there (otherwise I wouldn't have gone). But she was there and the whole time since I walked in I said nothing to her and she said nothing to me then as I was in the middle of a convo with one of my buddies she walked by and the whole time I saw out of the corner of my eye she was staring at me then she stopped infront of me I looked up and she smiled and said "hey" so I said hey and went back into my convo. Then through out the night I notice she starts flirting with me, talking to me a lot more and everything although I said to my friend that I didn't really like her like that anymore. shes telling me to sit next to her and taking pictures of us together etc etc. I ended up leaving early she left shortly after and gave my friend a ride home. She brought me up into one of their convo's and one thing she said was "hes looking really good now" (I lost 60lbs) and he said "is that a bad thing?" and she responded by smiling and saying "I don't know..."

 

 

Then sunday she texted me and asked me what I was doing and everything and has started talking to me again.... is it possible for her to like me again?? all of a sudden? I mean since then shes called me, texted me and imed me. I don't want to get in too deep again so what should I do?

[Dating Coach]

You stood up to her, which isn't what most guys do. She was at a party and wanted male attention so she tried to get it from a guy she thought would give it to her (you) whenever she was being flirty and friendly. Who knows what she is doing now, but the worst thing you could do would be to show her that she is right, that she can get you back by showing you a little attention. Any sense of trying to stand up for yourself and putting your foot down would be thrown out the window-and it's obviously looking that was as you seem excited that this girl is showing you attention again. She's in your history for a reason. Leave her there. You don't have to be rude, but if you allow her to sucker you back in then you deserve the emotional roller coaster she will eventually put you through.

[05evo]

I agree 100% I have no interest in her anymore.. its weird but the more I have no interest the more she is interested. I guess theres no turning back now. She hasn't tried to contact me in a week or so but I don't even care its a great feeling. But you say no matter what don't go back to her even if its for real?