Life and Career Pressure

[diverp]

I feel like a whiner for writing anything down, but this is an outlet to at least get something off my chest. I am a 35 year old man. I have 2 engineering bachelors degrees, I have 5 years of experience in computer engineering job, I was married a year ago, I have a baby on the way in September, I have a nice house and family members who care about me.

 

It all sounds great, and it is actually. However, there are some things that are just depressing me. First off, when my wife and I married, she was in some decent sized debt. I ended up refinancing my house to help get her out of that. So, now the mortgage is more. She hates her job. A job I used to love, well, now is a source of great pressure. I have been promoted very quickly and have many people saddling me up with responsibility. I feel guilty when I am not making up time on the weekends or evenings like I used to. Not a bad thing, but I definitely feel the pressure now. I have a child on the way and my wife and I have decided that she should be a stay at home mom. Her sister has done this and my wife really pushed for this and I see some valid reasons for doing this. She doesn't think she would want to work any more. I am already feeling the pressure of being the only breadwinner in the house with bigger mortgage, car payments, etc. I am not totally sure how things will work themselves out.

 

I have been doing nothing but home improvement tasks for months now and I am getting burnt out on that. I re did the floors, relandscaped the front yard and am putting in irrigation and grass in the backyard. It is hard tedious work and takes up a lot of time. I have to still get to work on the babies room as well.

 

My father is a source of depression for me as well. I love my father. He was really the only family I had growing up. He raised me and taught me to be independent and have the values I have. He lost a bunch of money in the stock market in the late 80's and his retirement got cut down a bunch. So, he really has no savings. I helped him get a motorhome so he could travel around while he was still capable (he is 75 now). However, I think he is getting a little past being able to do that any more. So, the problem is that I would like to help him transfer from the motorhome he is in, to an apartment or condo. The issue is that his motorhome will sell probably for a good 8k loss on what is owed. And, apartments and the like are getting very expensive where I live. I would like to start helping him make a transition into something else. I have some stock options with work, but the stock is still rising and I hate to dump them just yet. My wife gives me grief whenever i bring up the possibility of getting a condo as an investment and as somewhere my dad could live. I feel like things are pushing me into a corner right now.

 

This is definitely more pressure than I have had in life in quite some time. Things are not all that bad, but there are a lot of different people needing things from me and I don't feel like I am doing enough to fulfill all the expectations.

 

I know, I sound like a whiner, but this is newer to me. I am slowly getting more depressed, which I have never been before really.

[ocrob]

Diverp,

 

I am so happy that you wrote this. It sounds like you are trying to be there for everyone and have nobody there for you. This is a great place to express your concerns. You should be very proud of yourself. It sounds like you have accomplished a lot and also that you are a good person. My good friend is in somewhat of a similar situation. He started his own business two years ago and works from home. He has three kids, a mortgage and a lot of responsibility. His wife is awesome, but recently he was telling me how stressed he was financially. She wanted to send the kids to private school and all of this other stuff and he started feeling like she might leave him if he could not perform. It is so strange because you both have the American dream. You have good incomes, a house, and a family, but are stressed out. I think it is great you are trying to help your dad out. It sounds like you are very successful and very industrious. I suggest that you take a step back and talk to your wife about your financial concerns. I would suggest that you tell her you need a little time to regroup. I suggest you still be a great employee, but take some tme for yourself. It's great that you have achieved what you have, but if you are not enjoying it, then what is the point? I work in software sales and it is such a volatile industry. I have had five jobs in five years. I am getting sick of stressing about paying the bills. I am starting to just want to tone things down and live a more simple life. We all aspire to have money and things, but if we are not happy, then it means nothing.

 

Good luck and thanks for sharing bro.

 

Robert

[Cadence308]

I agree that you sound like you are a successful man living the American Dream. You are trying to take care of your family and have a baby on the way, as well as help your elderly father. If your responsibilities are stressing you out too much and you are feeling a pinch with money, maybe your wife could/should pick up a part-time job?

 

You should also take some time for yourself. Your employers should realize that you are a newly-wed with a baby on the way. You don't have the time to put in all the extra evening and weekend hours. Maybe they don't expect you to. Maybe that's the overachiever in you? Anyone would get burned out emotionally and financially doing what you are doing. Pick up a hobby or do something that you enjoy doing that you haven't had time for.

 

Have you thought about allowing your father to live with you or would that be just too much? That would alleviate your stress of trying to provide for him financially. It's not uncommon for 3 generations to live together and it's becoming more common with a greater percentage of the elderly living longer.

 

I hope that everything works out. Keep us posted!

[teacup]

hm wow. she should appreciate you more. it just sounds like she expects a lot and takes it all for granted.

[diverp]

I don't know as if I would say that she takes me for granted. She is pregnant right now, and can't do a whole lot of things. There are some things that do bother me though. My father just got into town and is staying in town for the summer. I don't get to see him all that often. He brought down a bunch of baby gifts (that he and my sister went in on). That was a very nice gesture. My wife was very thankful and said her thanks to him. However, he is here this morning to help me with some back yard project (putting in irrigation). My wife walks out and is civil, but her demeanor is always a little cold around him. I don't appreciate that at all. He has never done anything poor to her, actually, he treats her better than her own mother and father do. I just think it is rude.

 

Anyways, I have had the backyard project going for a while now. The thinking was that we are having the baby in September. I really want to be able to spend the time with the new kiddo once she is here. We wanted grass in the backyard and to fix up the landscaping a little bit. So, I have had a couple of project that I am getting done so that I do not have to mess with them once the baby is here. I redid the flooring and we wanted grass in the back yard. So, I had to move a bunch of rock, till it up, bring in some topsoil, and install the irrigation. I should have the sod in next saturday. So, today, I am doing the irrigation with my father's help (he was very helpful). My wife has known that I was going to do that for the last week. Yesterday, I cut short so I could spend time with her at Babies R Us to register (3 hours, dear lord She knew I would need the day to do the rest of this stuff, or I would have to work on this a little bit after work for a couple of days, which I don't like doing. So, early this morning, she comes to me and says that her friends are having a barbecue and she was going and would like me to come in the afternoon. I finally had to tell her that this stuff has to get done and I probably wouldn't be able to go. I got some guilt treatment for that. I got to a point and cleaned up and went over (and I will be spending time after work this week doing the remainder of my work out back). I just feel like she doesn't try to understand what is involved in doing this stuff. We have nice landscaping out back, because I keep working on it. She has never once tried to work on that stuff. I have never met someone who tries less to help on certain things around the house. I do resent that. She won't learn to cook, she won't help keep things clean (I generally do both). I always feel like she is in competition with me for something. If I say that I feel achy, she has a "killer" pain and goes on for minutes about it. It has gotten to the point where I will not even mention when I am achy or something doesn't feel good (work, stuff around the house, etc.) or she will have to come up with something that justifies her feeling worse.

 

Ever since we married, I feel like I have given up the few things that I really enjoy. I used to love to scuba dive. I used to like water sports and the lake. I used to really enjoy running and working out. However, I can't really dive because she is afraid of water and won't try to join me. I can't get in a boat with her because she gets water sick. I can't run, because every time I have wanted to run, she starts laying on guilt about how I should go for a walk with her because she needs the exercise or that the dogs need a walk. If I do say that I want to run because I get more exercise out of running, then she gets cold with me and makes me feel guilty. In the year we have been married, I have increased from 170 pounds to 190 pounds. I have never weighed this much. I don't feel like I am in shape any more, whereas I was before.

 

We agreed on the things to do on the house a while back, but she tells me the other day that she feels blah and that we don't do anything any more. We went to Monterey for our anniversary, we have been to San Francisco several times. I took a day off and went with her to a friend of her's horse show, I am always making nice dinners. There are plenty of things we do. She feels bored however when I am hard working and she is not. The thing that bugs me is that she then tries to make plans to do something else, me included, and I can't just pack up like that.

 

As far as my family goes, my sister would like to come down when the baby is born to see her. My sister is trying to quit smoking. My wife actually told me that she doesn't want my sister coming in the house if she is smoking. I understand that you don't want smoke around a baby, but doesn't that just sound rude beyond belief, especially when my sister has done nothing but nice things for my wife.

 

As far as religion goes, I am not a religious person at all. My wife really isn't either. However, her sister is. Her sister went on some rant today about the Davinci Code and what a slap in the face it is. She asked if it was okay for her boys to buy a gift bible for our soon to be daughter and my wife said it was okay. Now, I am not going to tell my wife or daughter what they should or shouldn't believe in. However, I think it is again rude to allow some other person to try and shape our child's beliefs. Whats wrong with simply buying her a childs book or something?

 

Oh well. I have rambled on a lot tonight. Thanks for reading and letting me get stuff off my chest.

[itsallgrand]

She obviously is not too ill with pregnancy - she's going to bbqs and out with her friends, and planning all sorts of things to do with the money you make.

 

I mean no disrespect to your wife. However, I do feel you are allowing her to take you and all you bring to her life for granted.

 

Pregnancy is not an excuse. It sounds like she milks everything, and then pouts when she doesn't get her way.

 

All this stress on you ain't good. You have a baby coming. Your child will be raised in this environment. She's going to need you healthy and available.

 

good luck. I do so hope you take this opportunity to make yourself a priority.

[ves]

Wow, diverp. What a tough situation. You sound like you're trying your hardest and things are just wearing down on you. You sound like you need a hug, so ((((((diverp)))))).

 

What does your wife do other than "be pregnant"? If she doesn't help keep the house clean, she doesn't cook, she doesn't work...? She should be ashamed for guilt-tripping you about wanting to do the things you enjoy after you work your tail off for her. Marriage has to be an equal partnership, and she isn't holding up her end of the bargain in the least. What exactly is she bringing to this relationship?

 

I humbly suggest that you see a marriage counselor - not to save your relationship from doom, but to have an impartial third party to talk about these issues with. I could see your wife, from how you described her, getting very upset and not understanding your position if you brought any of this up to her. But if you continue to sit on these feelings, you're going to end up resenting her existence. That's a terrible relationship model to have for your child.

 

As for the smoking...my parents went through a similar thing when I was young, and my maternal grandfather smoked. He wasn't even trying to quit. However, my mom laid down the law and said, if you want to see the grandkids, you can't smoke around them, period. He smoked until the day he died, but never, ever around us.

 

Good luck and keep us updated.