Affair dragging on, no sexual contact- he's still married- H

[capnvag]

What's it all about, this crazy love

How did our two worlds entwine

How do I fit in to your life

How did you get into mine

I belong to someone else we know

 

Back when first we met

Oh, we thought for fun

One night together might be nice

Oh...oh...but fun turned into love for both of us

So now we pay forbidden lover's price

 

Oh, 'cause love like ours is never, ever free (Free)

You pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)

Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)

You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh…oh…

 

Nights when you're alone, you know that I

Laid with someone else beside me

Oh, but you love me still and I love you

You know I would no matter where I'd be

 

Hey, but love like ours is never, ever free (Free)

You got to pay some agony for the ecstasy (For the ecstasy)

Oh, love like ours is never, ever free (Free)

We got to pay some agony if we wanna have ecstasy (For the ecstasy), oh...

 

Hey, got to pay some agony

If we wanna have an ecstasy, yeah…eah…

And we need each other desperately, don't we, baby

And I'll never from you be free, no, no

So you'll have to do the leavin' me, yeah

And you'll have to do the leavin' me, oh, baby

'Cause I'm gonna pay the agony, yeah

'Cause, oh, lovin' you is ecstasy, that's what it is

And I'm willin' to pay the price, oh

'Cause I'll make it a sacrifice, oh, yes, I will

And I'll never, never, never, never, never, never, never be free

From agony

 

the agony and the ecstasy by smokey robinson

this song sums up these relationships

i know this is cheesy but it's important ..

[Heatrae]

To you all who have been here for me during this very difficult time, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I MUST share this with you today and let you know how I have changed.

 

On June 8th, I felt as though B had hit me with a sledgehammer. First, he was planning a Vegas trip for mud-June and wanted me to go along with he and his buddy. He was becoming quite creative in his finagling, and I was willing to go along. HE butchered the invitation to me (although he had his friend test the waters with me first by secretly telling me the plan) and I felt a little strange. But of course, I thought, "well, if I go, he will see how wonderful it is to be with ME out in the world and this will be the event that pushed him over the edge. I already know how miserable he is."

 

Well, He was trying to find a way to get me on the same flight, and all the other arrangements. On the 8th, he suggested I take a different flight and that I get my own room just to be SAFE. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that. HE agreed that he might have a very hard time relaxing while on the trip but that he so badly wanted me to be there. We had talked so many times about a trip like this and had taken them separately- we were very excited.

 

Anyway, he said that Vegas was only 4 short hours away and there's a chance that the wife would call my office to see if I came to work and would find I hadn't. She would then drive to Vegas and discover everything. I know these were very real concerns, but the more I heard him talk about 'not being able to relax' I realized I could not go.

 

So, later that day I approached him and told him I wouldn't be going. He was crushed. I explained to him that the uncomfortability he would feel is the same idea behind why we cannot ride motorcycles together. Previously he had stated he never wanted to be looking over his shoulder when he was spending time with me, but was very angry when I refused to ride bikes with him. (dumb)

 

Anyway, I tried to point out the connection and he refuted it. His solution to us not traveling to Vegas at this time was for him to take more trips throughout the year so that the wife would be less suspicious and we COULD travel later. Then I simply said, "you're never leaving her are you?" He became a bit irritated and didn't' wanna discuss it. He said, "I cannot answer that. That's impossible for me to answer. I know how I feel and I know what I want but I can't do this to my kids. I think about this all the time, H, I am scared out of my mind."

 

He then went into quoting Dr. Phil saying that he teaches if you cannot make a decision, do NOTHING at all. (good advice) and then went a little deeper. He began to say how messed up he is. He doesn't know what's wrong with him…he's never happy. I am the only thing that has made him happy but that he has real problems.

 

He said, "Even with as much as I love you, and I do…I can't tell you that if IT was put in my face that I could turn it down."

 

I was stunned. It was an honest statement, and I know he was amazed it was coming out of his mouth, but it was out there. I didn't have a response.

 

Then to illustrate how messed up he is he said, "I am so up…you have no idea. H, as I am driving around town, girls talk to me in my truck and tell me to pull over. I pull over. I PULL OVER! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? I am 37 years old…I have NO BUSINESS talking to these girls. I don't think they realize how old I am, but I have no business doing that. What the hell is wrong with me? I have serious problems!!!"

 

I told him I didn't think he liked himself very much. He agreed and said, "I am never happy. I am always looking for something better: the better truck, the better rims, the better house, the better wife, and even the better girlfriend on the side." He said this with a matter of fact, yet totally disgusted look on his face.

 

I was stunned. He was exposing himself to the nth degree and I was speechless. Then he said, "I am a !!" I told him he doesn't like himself very much and that I misjudged him. I thought this whole time he wanted to live an honest honorable life, that's why I had preached it for so long. Not that I thought I was better than him that I was no longer married to someone I wasn't in love with, but that that's what I believed. He just said, "if I was honorable, when I screwed around on her while I was in the Corp, I would have called her from Japan and told her then I couldn't marry her, but I didn't. I am not honorable."

 

I quietly said that I guess we value different things in a relationship: I value honesty, commitment, and shared values and that he values routine. He sat quietly. I told him, "I never wanted to stop loving you. I never wanted to NOT be in love with you." He said, "you don't have to, H. I am never going to stop loving you. I will love you every day I wake up and I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. I will always love you the way I love you today. I have never stopped. I wouldn't change anything."

 

I said, "well, I never wanted to NOT be in love with you, but today is the last day I will love you. I can't love you anymore after today." I was simply beside myself. I then told him I have to move on with my life and I can't have him making fun of the men in my life, nor making fun of my life in general. He agreed. I told him we are not the same- I thought we were the same, but we are not. We cried, but I was so stunned at his disclosure that we just got up and walked out of the room and never said goodbye.

 

I saw him briefly the next day for about two seconds as I handed him some papers, but he couldn't look me in the face, but just said 'thank you' very quietly as I gave him the papers.

 

I have reached THE POINT. What person could be told what he told me and respond any other way than to leave the relationship for good. I think he hit his bottom too. He knew he was this person and doesn't wanna be that person with me, but it just started coming out of his mouth and he ran with it. HE realized that once he put it out there, I would never look at him the same way again. He NEEDS me to not speak to him anymore. I think he was exhausted keeping this all inside and put it all out on the table. So, now I have something to walk away from. He will never experience this life-lesson (as my cousin puts it) unless he experiences this LOSS.

 

I HAVE to walk away. He NEEDS me to walk away. No man in his right mind would ever tell a woman what he told me unless he wanted everything out in the open. I need to respond accordingly. Then and only then will he experience loss. He and the wife may split at some point, and he will have a LOT of work to do on himself…but I am not going to help him through this.

 

I have hit my bottom. I think I will win either way. I walk away now based on what he said and my realization that living in sync with what's in his heart ISN'T that important to him and I win…I may meet some wonderful person AND he sees a strong woman that he has lost.

 

And, if he and the wife ever split, he will have exposed himself to one person in his life and will have experienced losing this person [me] he will have to transform himself into a different person through this all. Then present himself to me at some later time in our lives. If all can be done accordingly, we would be a very strong couple, but not unless he experiences this. He has asked so many times, "why has God put you in my life at this time. Why, and why do I love you the way I do…I want you in my life forever, but I am already married. Why would God do this to me."

 

My cousin's response to this is: "You have a karmic lesson to learn…there is something wrong with you. You hadn't truly loved someone until now and you must put everything on the line. You met your match and now you must grow. God put you two together for you to learn to love completely and now you have to work for that. Only through loss of this love (hence the disclosure) will you grow and change."

 

Interesting. Well, I am sad nonetheless, but I feel good. I know this may all seem a little mushy, but it makes sense to me. He is expecting me to walk away and that is exactly what I will do. I am OK. I only cried last night at the end of 'Love Actually', but other than that, I have been OK.

 

Any thought you may have will be helpful as I transition into the next phase. I want to be strong…I want to be successful this time.

 

Thank you ALL!!!!!

[lovinhim]

I have sent you a private message. It is still showing in my outbox, just wanted to see if you got it.

Let me know