update of sorts - today and this weekend are milestones (long story)

[deejay74]

hi everyone, it's been a little while since i've posted. i am going to give those people who are having a hard time letting go something that i have discovered within myself that may help them. i am going to get very personal but i don't mind, as so many people here have helped me. it's about time i try and help others. but i must say i'm not completely healed yet, but i am very close - i can feel it.

 

but first i would like to say that today, my ex leaves for her month long internship in london, and then she goes of to spain on portugal. some of you may know i have been dreading this day because i was supposed to go with my ex, and this is the last bit of detail i know about her life, after today, i know nothing. i am on the fence about how i feel: i am happy for her, yet i am also jealous and sad that i can't accompany her like we planned. i'm still somewhat concerned that she may meet someone while she's overseas, but i know there's nothing i can do about it and she's free to do whatever she wants.

 

today also is exactly 5 months since i got dumped. it's been a very hard 5 months for me. i was completely devastated by the break up and, unfortunately, i did a couple of stupid things post break up which upset my ex and now i haven't seen or spoken to her since march. i sent her an email about a month ago saying i just wanted to smooth things out between us and that i felt bad about how i acted those 2 times i saw her and the last time i called her. (you can read my old posts about it). so when the people on here give you advice and tell you to go NC, do it!!! don't make my mistakes and act with your heart, it will only make things worse and you will feel worse about your situation. and/or you will make things worse between you and your ex. i really wished i listened because my ex and i would probably be friends now.

 

now during this whole time, i have done EVERYTHING people have suggested to help me get over this and move on, but honestly nothing really worked. the things that really worked is time and seeing a therapist. it was excruciating and still is at times, but they are the only things that helped me.

 

one thing that i have had trouble with, and still do to some extent, is letting go of my ex. i've always had this small part of me that just refused to let go. i couldn't understand why because, logically, i knew exactly what was going on and what i needed to do. what i have discovered is, i have had some abandonment issues and the constant need for approval from external sources, namely my ex. this has stemmed from my childhood upbringing. i somehow replaced my mom with my ex. the other thing i discovered NOT to do, is to have my life revolve around my ex. when i was with her, she became my life, i stopped hanging out with my friends, i stopped my hobbies yet she still had her life and did her thing. i guess it became too much for her so she dumped me. i inadvertently put her up on this pedestal and when she left, my world came crashing down. i had no more self-worth because she was gone. sometimes i get so mad at myself for not seeing this while i was with my ex and i am so upset that i had to lose her to discover all of these things. and i am also upset that i had to ruin things after the break up. so please, those of you who are struggling, just look at my old posts - do not make the same mistakes as me.

 

there are a couple of books that helped me too:

Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go - by Susan Forward and

Journey from Abandonment to Healing - Susan Anderson

 

So how do i feel today? i still miss my ex like crazy but i have accepted things . i am finally getting my old self back and i don't think about her as much, but it's still a daily occurrence. i am trying very hard not to beat myself up too much over the mistakes i've made, especially post break up, but i did try to patch things up but it seems like my ex doesn't want to because she never replied. i am sad because she leaves for europe today and because she hasn't contacted me in months and i haven't seen her since march. i don't know what the future will hold between us, maybe we could be friends again someday, i don't know.

 

all i know is that i still have a lot of work ahead of me to overcome those abandonment issues and my constant need for approval. it's very sad to me i had to lose someone i love to realize this, so for those of you who can't seem to let go, you may have these same issues.

 

so listen to what the people on here have to say, they're looking out for you and they know what they're talking about. this site has done wonders for me and i thank everyone who offered their advice, even though i didn't take all of it.

 

take care everyone! things do get better, i promise, it may not seem like it, but it does.

[kellbell]

Hi Deejay!

 

You have come so far. It is true...time is the best healer. True, you can do others things such as hang out with friends, work out, eat better, pick your hobbies. Those help but time is really what is needed. But I still feel you are being a bit hard on yourself with the time line. When you think about it March was not that far off. But I must say, you are doing much better than you give yourself credit for. Rejection is a very tough thing to come to terms with. And it can take some time to handle it and I feel you are handling it quite well.

 

You are almost out of the woods. With summer coming, I feel that will help even more. Plenty of things to do, warm weather, the beach, more daylight, vacations, concerts, the works. I LOVE summer for all those reasons. I am glad to read you are feeling better and were able to share your deepest thoughts. Hang in there...you are doing well.

[aterblack]

Is excellent when you start healing and see the world different, good for you keep going with that positive thinking, is a good example.

[deejay74]

But I still feel you are being a bit hard on yourself with the time line. When you think about it March was not that far off. But I must say, you are doing much better than you give yourself credit for. Rejection is a very tough thing to come to terms with. And it can take some time to handle it and I feel you are handling it quite well.

 

thanks for your support kellbell. but march is when i last saw and spoke to my ex, i got dumped back in december. i guess i wasn't sure what you meant by march wasn't that far off.

 

the thing is, our relationship only lasted about 6 months and i know that everyone heals at their own pace, however because of my issues, i am taking longer than the "norm".

 

thanks again!

[kellbell]

Yup, I meant March because that was the final time you had contact with her and to me that marks day one of your healing process. Sorry if I confused you. LOL