never really bonded with women....

[teacup]

Teacup:

 

I know you have been through some abusive relationships....

Abusive relationships are extremely addictive. Its almost like being on a drug. It is an impossible cycle to get out of..but I think you're doing good in evaluating yourself. I know it might seem crazy..but in addition to some counseling, I would suggest doing the 12 step program for addictions. i think it would help you tremendously. I have "A Womans Way through the Twelve Steps ". PM me if you would like info on it...

 

yah.....they do get abusive. i didn't realize that. i made a BIG mistake with the first guy i tried to date after the abusive relationship. and i was honestly trying to pick a good guy and i still couldn't pick right!

 

i don't think it's crazy because believe or not, i have that exact book! the last guy i dated was an alcoholic so i started reading up the effects of alcoholism on ppl and on relationships and i started reading recovery stories. and then i was browsing at the library and found the book and i thought, well mabe i can get something out of this.......because some of it...like the concept of a higher power or making amends for past wrongs....i identified with.

 

and congratulations on winning! i can so see why the girls would have been jealous, because you are very pretty.

 

ironically, i notice that i naturally dont like being around girls prettier or uglier than me and tend to be more okay with girls that i think are on my same level! (i dont mean to be catty but i noticed that within myself. )

[vesper]

I am still kind of in shock as to what I am reading, really, I thought I was the only person on earth without close girlfriends, I always felt so isolated about this issue like something was wrong with me!! I am thrilled teacup. I tend to feel anxious around girls always wishing for something to kind of make everyone calm, you know?? Maybe if we all became part of a secret society and took some sort of oath or something and had some awesome leader then we could all feel more relaxed!! (just my thoughts here)

 

Usually I guess that's whyit would be good to make plans to do hyper activities like you gals suggested like las vegas, slumber parties, tea room, spa....etc.

[alteer]

Well I didn't have a problem with girls at school.......I went to an all girls school. The problem's came during my abusive relationship, they all let me down really badly, telling me it was all my fault and what did I expect blah blah blah

 

I've never got along with school mothers (like at my kids schools) because all they do is talk about how freakin' wonderful their kids are. And seriously I'm the kind of mother who actually SEES her childrens faults....they are NOT perfect and NO child is......and I'm the first one to admit that. But the rose coloured glasses syndrom really annoys me.

 

The only female friend I have is very like me.......screwed up.......her husband is best friends with my ex. I like her because we have the same problems and really understand each other. The problem is that I only broke up with my ex like a month ago.....

 

So who knows where that friendship will end.......probably in the toilet.

[Lady Bugg]

LOL Teacup...well thank you for the compliment. You know, I think I was a pretty ugly kid (seriously) so I grew up with that "ugly duckling" mentality, I think. So I was the nice ugly kid..LOL..I was never doted on as the 'pretty girl". I am glad though because I have empathy for people. I suppose we are all competitive on some level though, whether we realize it at the time or not....

[teacup]

I am still kind of in shock as to what I am reading, really, I thought I was the only person on earth without close girlfriends, I always felt so isolated about this issue like something was wrong with me!! I am thrilled teacup. I tend to feel anxious around girls always wishing for something to kind of make everyone calm, you know?? Maybe if we all became part of a secret society and took some sort of oath or something and had some awesome leader then we could all feel more relaxed!! (just my thoughts here)

 

Usually I guess that's whyit would be good to make plans to do hyper activities like you gals suggested like las vegas, slumber parties, tea room, spa....etc.

 

me too! i thought there must be something wrong with me! other girls seem to get along fine with other girls, why am i different? what's wrong with me? why do i kind of set myself apart? even if i kind of start connecting, i might pull away.....just get kind of distant, anxious, not sure what's going to happen next kind of feeling. it's good to get these feelings out though! i feel so much better just to know that we can share.

 

mabe we should start a small email list or like a yahoo group? then mabe we can work on this. i know it's something that's not going to go away overnight.....

 

but i think to myself, one day, i would like to experience being a bridesmaid, or a godmother (way in the future), or throw a baby shower for someone, or have a girls night out, or gossip more about boys or.....something that girls do. i see my sister with her girl friends.....ironically, she only has girl friends and she says she has too much estrogen around her! (but she was never bullied or in an abusive relationship)

[vesper]

Good night enotalone gals!!

 

Thanks for having the slumber partay, I had fun !!

 

 

teacup, I hope that you find the truest of friends.

 

 

 

Best-

Bondgirl

[Lady Bugg]

Teacup...I think you hit the nail on the head. When you get anxious or worry whats going to happen next...like waiting for the other show to drop. I do that too.

 

I wish I wasn't so cynical..and I am really TRYING to be more open and trusting. I think part of that is to just 'let go' and not try to control the outcome of everything..like the 12 steps book says..but it is SO hard!!!

I have realized not being true to myself and being what others want me to be is ALSO a way of trying to control how things turn out...so I am trying to calm those urges.....it's tough.

[teacup]

LOL Teacup...well thank you for the compliment. You know, I think I was a pretty ugly kid (seriously) so I grew up with that "ugly duckling" mentality, I think. So I was the nice ugly kid..LOL..I was never doted on as the 'pretty girl". I am glad though because I have empathy for people. I suppose we are all competitive on some level though, whether we realize it at the time or not....

 

my mom who was really pretty growing up, says she never got told she was pretty by anyone! so i think, even if you are, others might not say.

 

i was an ugly duckling too, but i think i kind of grew up to be a swan. and if not a swan, then at least a goose. having troubles made me have more empathy as well.

 

 

alteer - is your friend's husband abusive too? what other women do you know? it has helped me to get to know some of the older woman at my company (ages 50+), but they are around my mom's age so i can't imagine hanging out with them.

 

bondgirl - thank you! have a wonderful night! i hope we all find good friends too!

[teacup]

Teacup...I think you hit the nail on the head. When you get anxious or worry whats going to happen next...like waiting for the other show to drop. I do that too.

 

I wish I wasn't so cynical..and I am really TRYING to be more open and trusting. I think part of that is to just 'let go' and not try to control the outcome of everything..like the 12 steps book says..but it is SO hard!!!

I have realized not being true to myself and being what others want me to be is ALSO a way of trying to control how things turn out...so I am trying to calm those urges.....it's tough.

 

yah, i tell myself that any kind of relationship is about give and take. i have to be willing to be friends with them and seek them out and they have to be willing to be friends with me and seek me out. it has to go back and forth, and that makes me anxious cuz i dont know how they'll respond or if they will reciprocate.

 

there's some pretty, put together and nice girls at my office. and they intimidate me. im afraid they might be mean! so i talk to some of the uglier, not as puttogether, even...meaner girls. o_O;;; very strange. i dont understand myself. i guess.....mabe so possible rejection (even for a friendship) wouldn't hurt so much if i find screwed up girls to be friends with?? oy.....i hope that doesn't sound bad. >.

[alteer]

 

alteer - is your friend's husband abusive too? what other women do you know? it has helped me to get to know some of the older woman at my company (ages 50+), but they are around my mom's age so i can't imagine hanging out with them.

 

No her current husband isn't abusive....her 1st one was though.

 

I know quite a few women my mum's age too. And have even been out to dinner with them, but I would love to know more women my own age. I really envy women who have close female friends.

 

I'm really glad you started this thread because like yourself and Bondgirl I honestly thought there was something wrong with me and I was the only one.

[vesper]

oh my god!! I just 'woke' up again back to the slumber partay, I missed reading your last post before I posted and left. But that is exactly what I do! I start feeling anxious too and afraid that I am going to be rejected or not fit in and the anxiety is out of control and then I feel guilty for leaving and then the feelings just keep adding up!

 

I am happy that I get to share my feelings too with everybody.

 

thanks again teacup.

 

 

 

 

good night.

[teacup]

i want to know girls my age too! i am pretty close to my mom and sister, and there is a definate difference between bonding with mom and sister just because of the age alone! the interests, concerns, phases, growing pains, etc....are all different. for example, my mom and her sisters......all share menopause concerns. and my sister and i......we want to paint the town! my sister was in a sorority...so she is comfortable with women. what happened to me??

 

 

i would like to take steps gradually in the right direction.....it's good to know that there are other females out there looking for female friends close to their ages... i have taken a dance class before, but because we spent the whole time dancing, i didn't get a chance to speak with anyone. and then some of the other girls rushed off after class to buy leotards or something. i can't imagine doing that with a guy!

 

but knowing that im not the only one, means that there's still hope to make new friends and that other girls have looking for friends their age too!

 

before, i was so dependent on having a bf. even an abusive one. i was so dependent on having one guy that i didn't even think about this kind of stuff. but im getting happier with my own independence so im starting to think of this more.......was anyone like this?

 

thank you everyone for sharing! it's been so nice to talk about it.....im kind of starting to understand how i came to be the way i am...just from thinking of all my experiences with women in the past....

 

goodnight! i hope to speak with you girls some more later....

[teacup]

i thought of something.....mabe being able to open up and even share a feeling like this and to feel an identification with one another is a first step.

 

congrats everyone! i think we're getting somewhere!