She broke up but can't let go

[Hleb]

I broke up with my ex about a year ago. It was painful at the start but I got stronger. Initially I fell for the 'let be friends' but she used that to her advantage. During Email contact, she talked about her man droppin hints what they have done and where they gone. I expected this as part of breakups. I did NC for a while but even now she has to refer back to the past or ask if I'm seeing anyone. Whenever I talk its about general nothing personal regarding the past or future relationships. Why can't she let go when she wanted the breakup and has a man? Why does our past matter now or my future?

 

I understand people not wanting to keep contact but if they do contact why can't it be on a easy going level especially when it seems she has moved on.

[in_the_mirror]

sounds like her new guy is a little bit of a rebound and maybe cuz she wants to throw it in your face to try and make you jealous or something....sometimes its hard to know what is going through her head, you said she wanted the break-up too, well maybe she said that but secretly she wanted you to change to try and get her back or keep her to change so that she wouldn't leave. of course that is very selfish of her if she did go about it that way, but really if you are moved on and don't care too much about what is going on in her life then i don't see a problem with keeping contact with her. if what she is doing just buggin you in general than don't keep contact.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, some people like to keep having an influence in their ex's, basically they move on but don't want the other person to do the same.

 

Sometimes they just feel guilty and want to make sure the other person is doing well, that's why they ask all sorts of personal questions.

 

"Easy going" contact with an ex is almost impossible to have, there are always mixed feelings involved, sadness, anger, regret, some dumpers like to reminds dumpees how miserable they made them feel when they were together, etc.

 

So if an ex can't give you the healthiest of friendships it's better to move on.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hleb - I think she really may just want to be friends but doesn't at all realize that staying in contact is bothering you. I agree with Stloenshadow, she's prolly doing it more for her guilty conscience. But I don't think its malicious or because she regrets her decision.

 

TELL her how being in touch with her is preventing you from moving on. And then go into NC.

[Hleb]

She found a new guy weeks after (maybe before) we broke up.

Its not holding me back from moving on - I have kept in contact with previous ex's. I know all relationships aren't the same and some people you can't be friends with but as she left I thought it be easier to be in contact as she wouldn't feel bitter.

 

Stolenshadow, I feel you can have different level of friendship even with ex's as once you moved on any anger or regret should have passed.

I agree that she might be negative towards me to show what i have 'missed' and that someone else is enjoying it. but i've been cool with her wish her well etc. Maybe she wants me to get upset about it but I have never shown it to her though felt it inside sometimes.

 

I don't think about her constantly but I'm concerned that everytime we talk it will be with a reference to the past or her wanting to know about my love life possibly to compare.

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I do understand some people can have a sort of friendship with their ex's when neither has bad feelings towards the other, which usually happens if the people involved didn't date long, are quite young, let a lot of time pass before starting a friendship or are very mature.

 

In this case you even wonder if your ex started dating before breaking up with you, and despite the fact your ex is in a relationship now she still has a problem with you.

You wonder if she's just angry you are not upset to see her "happy", we could keep guessing or you can evaluate if this is a good friendship worth keeping.

The reasons why she's doing certain things are not as important as the fact she's doing them.

 

She seems more concerned about you moving on than yourself, ask yourself if you need that.

 

I believe that her attitude won't give anything good back to you or to her.

[Hleb]

Stolen - Thanks for your comments I guess friendships shouldn't be such hardwork. It has been nearly a year since we broke up, which I thought would be long enough to deal with any resentment or issues.

 

Friends are there to bring out the best in you and vice-versa and this not happening for whatever reason. I don't need that in my life but feel its a shame things aren't different.