Attraction to other people

[challenging_thought]

I don't seem to be able to deal with my hubby's attraction to other women, no matter how hard I'm trying.

It may be normal for him (or for other people), but it still hurts.

I don't get attracted to other men, so it's really hard for me to understand the concept.

 

Any ideas how to overcome this?

Anyone else feels the same?

 

 

* Please, be gentle, this is my first post

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

How does he show that he is attracted to other women?

[challenging_thought]

He used to show it in a different ways, then we talked about it, I expressed my feelings and now he stoped showing it at all.

But now, I feel like I don't know what is going in his head.

I also now that he is still attracted to people, even though he doesn't show it anymore.

 

I know he did everything he could to help me.

I know this is my problem, not his, but I still feel terrible about the fact that he finds other women attractive.

Especially if they look better than me.

[passions1]

The fact that he may find other women attractive is not necessarilyl wrong, b/c it is human nature to admire the exterior looks of others even if you're in a relationship/married. People do it all the time admiring models, celebrities.

You may want to consider how you're reacting as well, b/c the fact is there will always be people who will look better or not as better than you or me. It's how you handle those type of situations, if I notice an attractive looking female, then I'll even point it out to my bf to show that I would be more surprised if he did not check that female out. However, it's having & displaying self-confidence & knowing that's it just admiring, but the other person isn't going to cheat b/c of looking. However, I do think it can be very rude for a person to gawk at another person, while the sig other is present.

[DN]

This is about you not about him.

 

Why do you think he married you, has stayed with you and made changes in the way he acts because you asked him to if he finds other women more attractive?

 

There seems to me to be an obvious answer but perhaps you are missing it.

[challenging_thought]

This is about you not about him.

I know this is about me.

This is the reason I'm here asking for help.

 

Why do you think he married you, has stayed with you and made changes in the way he acts because you asked him to if he finds other women more attractive?

I know he loves me and chooses to be with me.

But I know he thinks some women look better than me (which is unavoidable, I suppose). And that hurts me. Maybe because when he watches porn he gets turned on by them. Maybe because he was checking out other women all the time before our talk.

I feel, if it wasn't for the whole package, he would rather 'do it' with them. Which makes me feel the second best, sexually.

 

There seems to me to be an obvious answer but perhaps you are missing it.

I'm obviously missing something and I'm so desperate to get it!

I'll do anything, I just don't know what to do.

[challenging_thought]

I know that the fact that he finds other women attractive is not wrong.

It's how you handle those type of situations, if I notice an attractive looking female, then I'll even point it out to my bf to show that I would be more surprised if he did not check that female out.

That's just it! I don't know how to handle it!

Do you point out attractive mails to you bf as well?

Does he point out attractive guys to you?

Or, is it just about the girls?

 

However, I do think it can be very rude for a person to gawk at another person, while the sig other is present

Yes, I hated his gawking before, but he stopped now.

[challenging_thought]

Thanks for your quick replies guys. I really appreciate it.

You both have valid points.

 

Since our talk, he even claims that now he doesn't find anyone attractive – but I know that can't be true. If that was the case all those years, how come that once I spoke, everything changed? I'm sure he is trying to spare my feelings, but it doesn't work.

 

I want to do something and help myself, rather than putting him in a situation to have to lie to make me feel better.

There must be something I could do.

[DN]

Everytime you get these feelings keep repeating to yourself:

 

"My husband loves me and chooses to be with me. That is why I am the most attractive woman in the world to him'

 

Keep repeating that until those feelings go away.

[Tigris]

He's not doing any harm going 'window shopping' as long as he doesn't touch!

 

Like DN says he chose you because you were the best!

[challenging_thought]

Yeah, I'll try.

Thanks

[itsallgrand]

The problem is that you are comparing yourself to other women. Inside, there is some little scoresheet - her boobs get 2 points, mine get 1 etc. Overall score: she wins. Oh no. Now I need to worry.

 

You need to stop comparing yourself. Understand that it is completely random judgement on your part and not reality. It's a lot easier to feel good and sexy when we become our own setter of standards based on what is acceptable to us only. Use yourself as the gauge of what is good and what is not. Do not look externally.

 

I've struggled with this too. Stop comparing, and truly understand how silly and groundless the comparisons are: and this will disappear as a problem.

[challenging_thought]

You need to stop comparing yourself.

That's a sound advice.

The problem is that you are comparing yourself to other women.

And you really have the point there.

 

I can't imagine though, looking at a good-looking woman, without thinking that her boobs (or whatever) look better than mine. It is a subconscious thought, I can't help it.

It's not even thinking – I know that immediately. In a split second, I have pretty good idea where on the scale of attractiveness she is. Compared to me, off course.

 

(And I am honestly not one of those women who hate other women just because they look good. I'm not using that against other girls, more to put myself down )