Falling out of love

[possibiliti]

I don't seem to understand the notion of falling out of love. How do you leave all your emotions, memories, history behind after a long-term relationship/marriage and fall in love all over again with the next person.

[GettingOverIt]

It is not easy.... In my experience, it takes years for this to happen... And sometimes, when someone THINKS they have fallen out of love, there are usually other issues involved...

 

Falling out of love, for me, meant that all the things 'wrong' with a relationship were (in my mind) beyond fixing, beyond even trying anymore... I still cared very, very much but nothing I did seemed to make a difference.... And, then again, some of the things I did were hurtful, too... It had become something of a vicious cycle that we could not seem to get out of... Finally, after a long hard look at myself and at everything around me, I just didn't think I was in love anymore....

 

Sometimes, as they say, absense makes the heart grow fonder.... Someone thinks they are not in love anymore actually realizes that the love never left, just got lost in all the other stuff.... And, of course, sometimes, the love really is gone for good.... In my experience, that has more to do with the pain and suffering of the relationship more than anything......

[mmmending]

Possibiliti,

 

I don't seem to understand the notion of falling out of love. How do you leave all your emotions, memories, history behind after a long-term relationship/marriage and fall in love all over again with the next person.

I was also just wondering about the "falling out of love" part.

 

I feel real grief with thoughts of not being on the radar in my ex' life. This is unproductive.. well, depends, lol it produces a lot of suffering for me. But it does little to help me come to terms with this change. It pushes on buttons more than create acceptance.

 

Now, I have very little idea of how she is doing. The void created by the big silence is terrible.

 

I believe that she would be on her own now, but cannot know for sure, but in the process of reading stuff that would help ease the pain, I saw this article about Rebound Relationships:

 

link removed

 

I took note of the widsom of these words:

 

"Rebound relationships serve a purpose: To protect the heart from the devastation of losing someone very important. Like a very big cushion, they protect us from the trauma of the fall which is experienced when a deep connection is abruptly severed."

 

Intuitively it seems like the right thing to effortlessly feel the pain (not force it, or intentionally let it stick to you), rather than mask it, or excuse it, suck it up. This way you're not left sitting on something that'll only come up later.

 

Edit: typos, punct.

[rajabah]

I think a lot of people that "fall out of love" think so because they become complacent in the relationship and they don't feel the butterflies and excitement you get when you're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Relationships take work and I think a lot of people out there like the chase and excitement of the honeymoon phase.

 

My ex gf of 3 years dumped me like a sack of potatoes and went right on to her next boyfriend. I don't think I'll ever understand how you just turn off and transfer feelings like that.

[mmmending]

Possibiliti,

 

I just reread your post, and have a question: are you describing the situation where either one member of a couple, or both people.. lose the vitality in the relationship, and see that as falling out of love, so move on?

 

Or - a couple splits, and as a fasttrack to healing, one or both parties dismiss, or undermine the feelings they had for the ex?

[bobo85]

It is not easy.... In my experience, it takes years for this to happen... And sometimes, when someone THINKS they have fallen out of love, there are usually other issues involved...

 

 

Exactly! Falling out of love usually happens when someone else is involved.

 

People usually transfer feelings from the old lover to the new lover because they miss the "excitement" the honeymoon stage has to offer. Once the honeymoon stage is over, real love then begins to blossom.

 

People say love isn't a choice, but after many years, love becomes a choice. The excitement isn't there anymore and things become sort of routine, but people choose to stay with their current partner while staying faithful and committed to them.

[possibiliti]

Possibiliti,

 

I just reread your post, and have a question: are you describing the situation where either one member of a couple, or both people.. lose the vitality in the relationship, and see that as falling out of love, so move on?

 

Or - a couple splits, and as a fasttrack to healing, one or both parties dismiss, or undermine the feelings they had for the ex?

 

Hello mmmending: I think you raise a good question, and I am very vague in my posting.

 

In my mind, first I am wondering how can one member of a couple just falls out of love/stops loving the other member, turns his/her back and walks out of the relationship. Is it really possible for a person to lose all feeling/love/emtions to a long term partner after sharing years of life/history together? Then I think if that really happens, the left party is forced to be out of love, and it is a very cruel thing.

 

In general I wonder the concept of "falling out of love" from both situations. Come to think about it. "Falling in love" is more like infatuation, the "in love" part is a choice and a committment. What does it make "falling out of love" then?

[mmmending]

What does it make "falling out of love" then?

This question is sitting with me. Over the last week in particular, I've been wondering about this, too.

 

I'm baffled about my own circumstances, and wonder about my behaviour at the end of my relationship, as well as about my ex'. Simplified version, I initiated the breakup and see that I spoke very unskillfully to her in our last conversation. I can "rationalize" why and list all kinds of so-called reasons - nevertheless, it doesn't change the fact that I spoke in a very unskillful way. What hurts, is that I hurt someone whom I love very much. What hurts is that I could see myself literally dying in her eyes as the conversation ended. "What" I needed to say was important and worthy. "How" I said it really ensured that I was not going to be heard.

 

I'm having trouble letting go. I'm grieving in a big way.

 

If I can come up with any coherent insight, I'll post it back here, or PM you.

 

Edit: clarity

[Juha]

WHen someone is "in love" it is like they have the flu, it will go away in time...

 

WHen someone "loves" you it is genuine and they will always love you, does not mean you will always be together...

 

As you get older you realize in love and loving someone are two totally different things

[Confessoress]

I think a lot of people that "fall out of love" think so because they become complacent in the relationship and they don't feel the butterflies and excitement you get when you're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Relationships take work and I think a lot of people out there like the chase and excitement of the honeymoon phase.

 

My ex gf of 3 years dumped me like a sack of potatoes and went right on to her next boyfriend. I don't think I'll ever understand how you just turn off and transfer feelings like that.

 

I find in a situation like this it's a case of they didn't really love you in the first place. I think a lot of people don't simply fall out of love, it's because they weren't really in love in the first place. Couples go through the honeymoon period and the butterflies, once it's gone they think they've fallen out of love, must likely because they weren't in love in the first place, it was most likely infatuation.

[TheRedQueen]

Love is interesting in that its effects engage us on so many different levels. Their is the chemical/hormonal aspect to love i.e. pheremones, sexual attraction, that is more primal and animalistic in nature, then there is the intimacy/attachment aspect to love that develops in more healthy and matured relationships where mutual respect and appreciation is felt between both parties.

As the experts say, the more primal aspects of love, tend to be short-lived and sometimes even capricious in nature, generating passionate emotions and intense feelings in those in "lust" whereas the more developed stages of love have more depth and are more stable, generatng compassionate feelings of appreciation and acceptance

[possibiliti]

I

find in a situation like this it's a case of they didn't really love you in the first place. I think a lot of people don't simply fall out of love, it's because they weren't really in love in the first place. Couples go through the honeymoon period and the butterflies, once it's gone they think they've fallen out of love, must likely because they weren't in love in the first place, it was most likely infatuation.

 

Hello Confessoress: To some degree, I think what you said is a pretty valid point. But couple do fall apart after a long term relationship/marriage. If there is no love involved in the first place, how can the pretend party/partner last all this time? If it is just infatuation, should it be short lived?