My nightmare is consuming me

[Mateara]

I am originally from Texas. Went to college and dropped out 2nd year to join the US Army. While stationed in California, I came accross the most beautiful creature. Instantly awestruck we both struck up a relationship that become legendary in my unit. We dated for a year and half with some incredible highs and some soul shatter lows. By chance on my birthday I called her and she agreed to meet me for lunch. On my birthday I asked her to marry me, nothing huge or big detail but a simple flat question. She was confused and thought I was kidding but she saw that I was serious which lead to more drama. Three months later, I have one free day off and we descide to spend it together. That day we sped to Las Vegas and got married, the next morning by 6 AM, I was back to work out in the field.

 

We are both as opposite as 2 people can be. A example would be she is a creationist and I am a evolutionist. She listens to country and I listen to the hardest of metal. She is a blonde Cali-Sun worshiping beach person, I am more dark, mountain wood loving (even though my allergies kill me) quiet person. I have never cared about how different we are though. I love the fact that when I turn on the TV if it is on CMT she has been watching it. She has the largest chick flic collection on earth. Honestly I found my other half, no other way to say it, the part of me that is missing is in her. She is all smiley and energetic while I plan and analyze. I have never been happy with someone that is like me.

 

 

She is the first person who I have ever giving a **** about. I placed her above my own family and friends. The only person who I could stand beening around for more then several minutes. At times I would tell her just to talk about anything just so I can hear her talk. I wanted to be the perfect husband. I never yelled (might raise voice when we are fighting though), never hit her (sooner cut off my hand then offend her), never told her no she could not go to a concert or hang out with friends. I have always tried to encourage her, motivate her, and make her understand that she is strong. IS THIS WHERE I SCREWED UP?!?!?! Did I make her too independent?

 

I several months ago was honorable discharged and went back to school and she got a full time job. She is a very social begin while I am the guy that sits quietly in the corner. We had our moments of fighting in our relationship. She always came back with we are too different and I closed myself off to her. Honestly I tried to change, and still try. I go out to places more then I use to, I always say how pretty she is or what a great job she has doing. But it would always end up one person would be hurt and close up while the other just begins to open up. So we been married for almost 2 years now. She begans to make friends and I am all for it since I am not able to give her the attention she needs all the time. Then she begins to spend more time out with her new friends, then with me. No big deal, she is excited. Now she will once in a while spend the night because she beening drinking. - I will not sleep if she is not home, every night she was gone I stayed awake till she was home, HELL I won't even eat unless she is there - Now she putting these girls she only known for about a month and making plans with them before me. Do i get upset, do I get angry, do I do the same thing to her and leave and go hang out with some guys???? No, I play the loyal servant puppy dog waiting for his master to arrive home. So many times in our relationship where I was going to a concert or snowboarding or something and she asked me not to and stay with her, I did not go. I ask her to stay home tonight, her reply, Nope, I am going out?!?!?!?

 

All the times I ask her if she is happy or what can I do to make her happy or do you love me. I got the smile, your perfect, and I love you too. Then suddenly she claims she has been unhappy since when we first got married, NEWS TO ME, she begins to claim that we are going to always fail and she doesn't want to hurt me. And everytime I respond I don't care if I get hurt I love you. Which leads to I just don't understand? or how I don't get it? WAIT this is the person I swore to love in the best of time and worse of times. It goes from I love but not in love with you to I don't love you at all. The more I try to understand what is happening the more she fought back against me. Without warning she tells me, she wants a divorce?? Where is all this coming from. She isn't cheating on me, well at least physically, mentally I have no idea.

 

She is the first thing I think about when I awake and the last thing before I fall to asleep. I still love her and am in love with her even though all the things she has done to me emotionally. This is my worse nightmare, the thought of waking up without her beside me and it is causing everything else, the pain , the hate, the sorrow to amplify to terrifying levels.

 

WHAT CAN I DO??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!

[Skippy]

take her down from that peddle stool and put her below your family. She isnt god and if you keep treating her that way she will not respect you. After all you admittedly said that you are less then her.

No one wants to date someone less then.

Someone that is less then is a loser. Are you a "loser'. I dont think so. Stop acting less then. You are more important then her, your family is more important then her. Get your priorities straight, only then will she respect you and the possible relationship.

You give her everything and not have anything for yourself, you are a nice guy, but by putting someone ahead/above you continuiously you come a loser.

You gotta get your priorities right.

 

You sound like a guy that will beg her to come back to you. DONT. be a man, you dont need her, you can fin someone else. If she wants space, FINE! give it to her without looking soft and weak. You were in the army, think of your dril sergent, he is never weak, he is lways strong. You respect he even if you hate him only then can you have a chance.

 

Dont give her the divorce immediately, make time so you have a chance to see you haveyour priorities right and that you can be strong.

 

And if you are lucky enough that she want to have a second chance, dont make it too easy, make her wait and feel unsure about herself. Make her think that you are considering things and that your 'things' are more important then her,

[triggerfish1968]

I agree with Skippy, you can compromise but do not sell yourself out. Looks like a communication problem, I suspect you were always willing to listen to her, she just was not forthright in expressing her feelings. She is giving you the go around and if she is not willing to up the ante and actually start communicating things will remain as stagnant as pond water. It is really fustrating to probe a person for their thoughts and get the everything is fine routine, only later to be blindsided. It leaves a person to wonder what went wrong, and it consumes a lot of emotional energy searching the past for perseved slights. It is hard to guage a persons thoughts, mind reading is not one of my strong points and I doubt it is with either of you. Maybe write a letter telling her how you feel about things the good and the bad. What you love about her, why certain things she does upsets you (no attacks on her, but how it affects you). Dont alienate your friends and family because of her as that will make you feel isolated from the world. They do not need to know the details, just that you need support.