Forgive and forget?

[thegoodgirl04]

Is that the answer to get over an ex, so you just dont care anymore, forgive and forget, cause I can't seem to forgive so how can I forget?

I usually wake up every morning thinking about him, usually that he is with his ex (which probably isnt true). I try to tell my self "it's over move on" but thoughts keep creeping back into my head.

 

I've gone on other dates and kept myself busy with school, work, excersize, volunteering, househunting etc and I keep thinking about someone who doesnt deserve my thoughts! I wish I could forgive him for the things that happened in our relationship (like the lying, backhanded comments, him not ever being there for me, or just him not being a man) but I can't seem to get to that point.

 

This was a guy who looks great on paper but in real life is screwed up and doesnt have great self esteem, he was bullied in high school to the point someone broke his collarbone, which I think would effect someone's personality greatly. I didn't find this out until the end of the relationship. What do you guys think?

[majord23]

This was a guy who looks great on paper but in real life is screwed up and doesnt have great self esteem, he was bullied in high school to the point someone broke his collarbone, which I think would effect someone's personality greatly. I didn't find this out until the end of the relationship. What do you guys think?

 

Forgiving but *never* forgetting is what's best in order to move on.

 

Letting go of the resentment, and understanding that an ex (probably) didn't hurt you on purpose allows you to forgive. This isn't something that is so much of a conscious decision, but is something that may happen in time...when the hurt has subsided.

 

Forgetting? Not so easy, and for me, not something that I would want to do. You shouldn't forget what has happened, nor the hurt that your ex has caused you....to do so, means that you may be over-willing to put yourself in the same position again.

Remembering makes you justifiably cautious.

To use an example: If I had a friend that I had lent money and he had messed me around when repaying me - I might be able to forgive him, but I would not forget....so would be reluctant to lend him money again.

 

That's not being vindictive, but it makes sense.

 

As for your above quote - you're looking for a reason for his behaviour, and it may be just that - a reason for his behaviour. BUT there is a big difference between *reasons* and *excuses*.....we all have past experiences that affect our present behaviour. But at the end of the day, the only thing we can control is our present behaviour - and regardless of what happened in the past, if we blame it, it becomes an excuse.

[thegoodgirl04]

Thanks for the reply major, I agree that not forgetting is a good idea, it's just painful.

I keep telling myself that the reason why he did what he did has nothing to do with me, it's his own insecurities and issues that lead him to do those things. Also it's hard for me to think that he didn't hurt me on purpose because 2 weeks after we broke up he told me he slept with an ex (after we broke up) when I asked him why he said he did it just to spite me! Nice...(this guy is 32 by the way)

[majord23]

Thanks for the reply major, I agree that not forgetting is a good idea, it's just painful.

I keep telling myself that the reason why he did what he did has nothing to do with me, it's his own insecurities and issues that lead him to do those things. Also it's hard for me to think that he didn't hurt me on purpose because 2 weeks after we broke up he told me he slept with an ex (after we broke up) when I asked him why he said he did it just to spite me! Nice...(this guy is 32 by the way)

 

Hey goodgirl,

Thanks for the extra info - Now THAT would be hard to forgive I don't know if I could - not so much because of what he did, but because of why he said he did it. I'm so sorry that you had to hear that.

 

I think him saying that is more a reflection on his inability to take responsibility for his actions.

I think he knows that sleeping with his ex was disrespectful to you (even though he was single so 'technically' did nothing wrong) but he has attempted to make YOU feel responsible for HIS actions by suggesting that it is something about you that made him want to 'spite' you.

I'm really angry here. That's a horrible, horrible thing to say to someone who is feeling bad enough already.

 

I'm sure you've been told this before, but you are FAR better off without him.

 

Forgive him? No....just forget him.

[thegoodgirl04]

I know I should just forget him, he's such a liar I don't know if I believe that he actually slept with his ex. It's hard for me to not take what he did personally, the only thing I have is knowing I would never do that to someone. I actually expected it from him. So after telling me he slept with her I asked if they were getting back together then, he said no and that he put his profile on link removed (his name is rideguy if you want to check out what a liar looks like) and that he just used her, didn't care about her feelings, cared about mine and would never do something like that to me. He also said there were no strings attached with her, again nice...

[mmmending]

i'm spending time with the notion of forgiveness, too.. of self, others

 

many of us are very gung-ho about the idea of forgiveness - until we find ourselves faced with something we actually need to forgive somebody for.. this is where it gets sticky.. i know this is true for me

 

i see forgiveness as a process of healing; in my experience, it's not something i can decide to do, then put out of my head.. i see that it takes practice

 

at times, the best i can do is merely to set the intention to forgive somebody.. and when i find myself in that funnel of anger about someone, or some old hurt, i remind myself of my intention.. it's hard to do, and at times feels ingenuine, but again the hurt and anger are also real, and those feelings need time to work themselves out.. i think this helps to cultivate a sense of acceptance all around

 

with time and a little compassion for myself and other, the forgiveness seems to come.. with time, the spiralled thinking seems to fade away

 

what i think i'm seeing by setting the intention to forgive somebody, well, it's somewhat like choosing to have NC with an ex.. while it innately comes with that disquieting feeling of being unresolved, it does give me the space to see how i'm really feeling about someone, something and not least of all, myself..

 

until i really see what and how something is so upsetting to me.. until i truly see what it is that i wish to forgive, how could i expect myself to forgive anybody or anything?

 

as for the forgetting part? .. i think that if someone is truly forgiven, "needing" to forget loses its importance

[Siriana]

I never forget. I forgive - but in a way that I don't care anymore and that I stop thinking that I might be the reason that someone treated me badly.But I never forget. It would be stupid, because you could get the same treatment from the same person once again if you just choose to ignore the fact that he or she was jerk in relationship with you.

 

A guy was really mean toward me several months ago and I got hurt. Some things he has said or done is not something you can forget and it's not ment to forget. You have to learn something out of it - so that the next time you can make a better screening of the person and to learn how to avoid beeing treated badly again.

 

I managed to learn that. I managed not to feel angry about the things that happened. And now I just feel sad or better to be said I feel sorry for him beeing such a person ( he's 29!) and I can't even immagine how hard and sad is for him to live his life. People who treat you badly are not happy persons, they are not happy with themselfs and they don't enjoy life. Trust me. So at the end it is better to be hurt by such a person and to get over it than beeing in that persons skin. They have harder lessons to learn. And the said part is that at the end when someone is 30 and still haven't learned to be mature there are chances that he will stay that way for a really long time. And it is sure that something will hit them and they'll have to learn all the things harder way (if smart) or they will end as those said people who blame others for the way their life looks like.

So because of all that you just have to choose to walk away from that person hoping that one day they will improve and be happy for them if they do, and still be reserved towards them.

 

That is mine philosophy.

[possibiliti]

i see forgiveness as a process of healing; in my experience, it's not something i can decide to do, then put out of my head.. i see that it takes practice

 

I agree with mmmending that it is not something we can decide. I am having problem with forgiveness too. But if the forgivess never comes, can we be properly healed ?

 

Certain thinings I don't think we can just forget. With time passes on, you are moving on, when you think about it, you feel indifference. It no longer affects your emotions and daily life. But it is always gonna be there as a part of your life. I feel we just have to let the healing takes its course. Keep doing/pushing everything, so that we don't stay still.