opening up

[sun_ray]

Hi

i have been with my partner for 2 years now and we have the most fantastic relationship - accept that i find it difficult to open up to him about my feelings if we need to talk about a situation etc. Its not that i dont trust him becasue i do and i am completely comfortable and 100% happy - i find it hard to open up to anyone - not just him. Anybody got any advice as to how i can learn top be more relaxed to talk about how i feel - thanks!

[HardShowingAffection]

My advice is to just lay it out there. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust him with your feelings.

 

Let him know that you aren't 100% comfortable laying all your feelings out there, for whatever reason it might be. Alot of people are afraid to open up about their feelings because it are these feelings that make them most susceptible to hurt.

 

However, I feel that if you don't open up, and he doesn't know exactly how you are feeling and thinking, it could hurt you in the long run. My ex rarely told me what was on her mind, and it led to me guessing about what might be the issue, and what it might take for me to fix things. If she would have talked to me, opened up, and expressed her desires and needs to me, we would have been much further along.

 

It might be difficult at first, because in essense you are going to let your partner know all the things that he could potentially use against you in hard times. You have to trust your partner with this! Let him know it is hard for you! But in the long run, you will be much better off.

[Momene]

Practice by telling us on the board first in writing. No joke! It really works.

[Siriana]

Congratulations, I have the same problem.

 

But I think that in my next relationship I woan't have that problem anymore because I found out something really interesting with my ex 5 months ago. He was like almost the only one who got a chance to see the vulnerable part of me. I don't even cry infront of my boyfriends, and he got a chance to see that. So, I was like a lot more honest with him than I used to be before-I was really into him!

 

What happened? He used me, said some horrible things, at the same time I had something serious going on in my family....wasn't in love with me. I had such a hard time to get over him!

 

BUT, I realised something: If something goes wrong with the person you love the fact you were open about your feelings woan't cause you more pain. You will suffer the very same amount as if you were holding everything inside. So, you have nothing to lose. I suffered the same amount, as I was suffering before with some other bf's who didn't get a chance to see real, vulnerable me. But I was more content that i was not the chicken this time

[sun_ray]

thanks guys! i tend to be able to open up but only when it just gets too much - i'll just break down and then it all comes out rather than just dealing with stuff there and then. this is gona be a stupid question but wheres the best place to talk so that you feel most comfortable? x

[Siriana]

At home after good lunch and after a glass of wine (one glass only! ) basically when you're in a good mood.

[Süsser Tod]

My gf is like that. Sometimes something I do will remind her of something she didn't liked on a previous relationship and she will clam up and act distant, I can notice it (not that she tries to hide it), but she denies that anything is wrong and I have to spend a lot of time trying to get her to say what is wrong.

 

It just doesn't feel right to me that she is feeling upset/sad and she won't tell me. Mind can play a lot of games, so I can think it is about a LOT of different stuff, and most of them aren't any good.

 

That and the fact that without good comunication no relationship can have a good future.

[babypink61]

hi sun_ray!

 

Haha we are on the same boat! I've been together with my man for over a year but I still find it extremely difficult to communicate my feelings to him sometimes. I've had two long-term relationships before him and they were totally different than my current bf. They weren't very communicative either so we never really felt the need to do so. But my current bf is totally different! He's very emotional and he wants to know what I'm thinking all the time! I'm not a very expressive person so it's very hard for me to get used to this. It's really weird because it's SO easy for me to express my feelings to my close girlfriends, but I just could not open up to my bf! We have gotten into fights because of this issue! Like everyone else said, it would help if you tell him that it's hard for you to be expressive sometimes and that he needs to understand that and work with you on it together. My bf has told me that he's not a mind reader so he can't always predict what I'm thinking! (besides, 75% of the times he's wrong anyway! lol). But you know what made it easier for me? I started writing things down. Trust me, it works! We got into a huge fight one time and afterwards I wrote him a couple of long emails expressing everything I felt towards him (which I couldn't do if it's in person) and those emails made such a big impact on him because he was not aware of 1/2 of the things I had mentioned on there and he never knew I had such strong feelings toward certain things. We then had a talk face-to-face and he told me how happy he was to find out all of those things I had said on the emails. He understands that I'm not a very expressive person but we're working on it together . . . he's still the one to initiate most of the talking, but I think I am starting to get better at it. Bottom line is, if you are not happy about something, you need to tell him! I used to just get mad at him and gives him the silent treatment and he would have no idea why I'm mad. And then I'll just try to forget about it and not let it bother me. But that's not doing us any good because it's not really resolving anything . . . I was just trying to avoid the problem. But me being more communicative def brought us closer together and made our relationship stronger.

 

I hope this helps!

[HardShowingAffection]

babypink61, I couldn't agree with you more! Men are not mind readers! My ex used to do the same thing. I would get the cold shoulder at some point, and then have to sit and sift through my actions the last few hours to determine what it was that I might have done to tick her off. Then I would have to sit and try and pry stuff out of her, at which point she would get frustrated and upset. Finally, low and behold I would find out it was a comment that I made or something I did... but not until it had built up and her and became much more of an issue that it ever should have been.

 

It would have helped us sooo much if when I did something that bothered her even just a little bit, that she would say "Hey, that upset me." And we could talk about it. Although I think the one thing that I didn't help her with is invalidating her feeling at certain times.

 

Like she would ask me "Do you really really love me?"... or something along those lines, and I would be like "Don't be stupid... you know I love you with all my heart!" But I think it made her close up and uncomfortable when I invalidated her feelings with comments like that.

 

Instead, and you might want make sure your partner is aware of this as well, I should have understood what she was asking, validate her feelings, find out why she was feeling that way, and then give her an answer. This way, I knew what she was thinking, where her thoughts were coming from, and then she would know where I stood. Make sense?