Even More Ranting From Me

[Sylph]

I didn't really want to start out this rant with a sentance like the one I'm about to jump into but I can't think of another way to put it; I think I'm getting worse. Or maybe not worse, just different. Suicidal thoughts have reached an all time high (I should still point out that I don't have any intention on killing myself), increased urges to spill out every detail of my life to complete strangers, huge increase in wanting a romantic relationship, my appetite has all but gone and I've become extremely sensative to other people's emotions.

 

I guess the first two are pretty self-explanitory, they're just an increase on something I already had. The second is a little more odd... Now I know it doesn't exactly sound odd to want a romantic relationship at the age of 18 but this is me, I thought I'd completely gone off the idea of romance. I don't even believe in love existing. To be honest I think this is just part of the last change in me, my sex drive has complely gone (it wasn't that high to begin with) to be replaced by a want of a relationship. I think this has also been triggered by the fact that for the first time I God knows hold long I've actually had a long conversation with someone I haven't met before. Up til now I've only had very brief encounters with new people that usually end no contact due to lack of interest. But that's pretty normal for me, I know I'm not easy to talk to because I'm never the one to inniciate the conversation. The people I do get on well with I usually get on very well with at that. I guess just having a long conversation with someone that actually wanting to talk to me reminded me of fonder times.

 

Next on the list. As I said, I've noticed that my appetite is waning... It was never that active to begin with but now I find myself going hungry but without having any desire to eat at all. I usually end up eating one meal a day and maybe two glasses of water to drink, I know this probably isn't very good for me but so far it hasn't stopped me from doing anything. I'm just trying to figure out why I don't want to eat, it's not because of personal appearance. I generally don't worry about how my body looks to other people, even if still feel extremely unattractive I'm certainly not worried about getting fat. It's just odd.

 

Onto the last piece of subject matter. As I say, I've become overly sensative to what other people feel. There's no way to put it into words, I just can't help but feel what other people feel, these usually aren't very positive emotion. It doesn't matter who it is really, I don't even have to know then, they could just be characters in a book but whoever it is I'm getting fired up or depressed over it at times. This itself just makes me annoyed and angry at myself, to think that I'm getting emotional and even a little attached to other people. I'm actually getting jealous over other people's successes, mainly in their love life/relationships. And lets make it clear, I hate jealously. It's a really screwy emotion that people only suffer because of.

 

Again I tried to think of the source of this. I've started reading a lot more romantic doujin that normal but that doesn't seem like the cause of the problem, more of a by-product. I certainly don't see it as anything unhealthy.

 

But you know, I guess I'm only left with one sneaking suspicion to the cause of all this. A part of me doesn't want to die. It's coming close to date I've planned to get all my problems out into the open and frankly I think I'm freaking out a little. Several times recently have I just wanted to scrap the whole idea and go back to leading my screwy little life in this place, even now that sounds really quite attractive. Quite naively I'm having to come to terms that sections of how I think might be fundamentally wrong, this is a little daunting because frankly my mind and everything inside is all I have. I've spent a long time trying to get my philosophies and out looks on life straight, to think that some of the bigger ones are flawed isn't something I like the sound of. It's difficult to explain now that I reread over what I just wrote. The bottom line is that I know I'm just setting myself up for more hard times, I just know no matter what I'm still going to be going this road alone, it's going to be long and hard and probably won't get any better until after a long hard slog.

 

On a slightly more positive note I'm actually getting a bit of writing done. I started doing a little Role Playing at another message board, something I'm usually pretty good at because I don't have to think up every single little detail on my own. Saying that I have been playing with a new idea for some creative writing of my own, it's an interesting project to me but I won't go into it unless anyone actually wants to know.

[Alabama]

It seems that the older we get, love becomes an increasing importance for us, because we are tired of being alone. That is what I've heard and observed. The only key way to finding someone you like and who will be attracted to you, is to socialize. That is what I've realised after a long hard look at my life. As for lack of apetite, could this possibly be caused by an particular kind of stress? It is good that you're at least relieving this idea through message board RPG's, as it can be fun to play another character. As for your writing project, I hope that goes well. You mentioned that you feel you're becoming stressed about other's emotional reactions around you. People vary in thier moods and just because someone reacts strongly to what you say or do, does not mean that they hate you. I've felt that before, and it was stupid. Sometimes, people just aren't in the best of moods at that particular time. So, don't worry about that. Many times, it's all in our heads. It's good that you've decided to vent your problems. Getting them out in the open can help others give you advice to solve them and life can go on. Trust me, you're doing the right thing.

[neolithic]

i'm interested in your creative writing idea.. lately i've been trying to get back into writing, but it isn't flowing like i want it to. and since it isn't flowing, i'm getting frustrated and making it even worse. but when it flows and you find yourself impressed upon reading it back, that's a good feeling, that's something fulfilling.

 

let me say right now, i think you're plain silly for wanting to kill yourself at this point in your life. i mean, i have to admit that i felt exactly the same way until within the last year.. and i'm only about a year older than you. so.. i'd at least say, wait it out a couple years. are you in that place where you think it will never get better, and even if it does, it's not worth the hell you're going through now? well, i don't know. i always feel like that.. but then when it DOES get better (and it always does), i feel ashamed for ever thinking the hell i went through before would've been enough to off myself and miss out on the good bits of life.

 

you know, find something that makes you happy, and just do it. don't think about the things you don't have, but, rather, enjoy what you do. that sounds so cheesy, but it's practical, it works.

 

if a relationship is what you want, you can find one. i don't think that can ever substitute a relationship for all the other mess you have going on in your mind (you, impersonal, of course), but it is nice to have companionship. i think you're probably just looking down on yourself and that lack of confidence will translate. from your avatar, you look like my crazy greek exboyfriend. we called him the greek james dean; he was pretty aloof, but that's what i liked. so, i mean, if that's what you really want, you can have it. you just have to know that you deserve it or that you're interesting, because that shows.

 

sorry to say, but your philosophies on life should be nowhere near accurate right now. you're 18 years old.. socrates died an old man and STILL had no idea what he was talking about. i suggest reading a survey of basic philosophy writings (i can recommend a good syllabus if you want) to give yourself alternatives, and different perspectives. once i started seriously studying philosophy, i became a much happier person. i focused less on MY philosophy of and outlook on life and realized there's a limitless myriad of mindsets and worldviews and that's very liberating.

 

anyway, i could talk about this for hours. you can PM me, i've read your other posts and i empathize with where you are. i've been to my version of that place and it's no fun. but, i'm a much happier person now..

[Sylph]

let me say right now, i think you're plain silly for wanting to kill yourself at this point in your life.

Oh I know, I'm quite depersonalised from that part of me. I'm just exploring possbilities, I see an easy way out and I take note of it. But as I said, I don't actually expect myself to go through with it, it's just a possbility I'm increasingly entertaining.

 

so.. i'd at least say, wait it out a couple years.

I hate that though, because I know I've been here before and heard the same words. It's always been "a couple more years" and now I'm sort of wondering when a couple more years finishs. It's like the person who says "I'll do it tomorrow", of course tomorrow seems so close but never seems to come because it's always one step ahead. But yeah, it's just impossible to understand the idea that things always get better when you're not in a great position.

 

you know, find something that makes you happy, and just do it. don't think about the things you don't have, but, rather, enjoy what you do. that sounds so cheesy, but it's practical, it works.

 

if a relationship is what you want, you can find one. i don't think that can ever substitute a relationship for all the other mess you have going on in your mind (you, impersonal, of course), but it is nice to have companionship.

Again, I think my want of a relationship is a little more than depersonalised. I know it's probably not a great idea to start any kind of serious relationship when I'm in this state of mind. I'm just craving the good things that go with it, mainly the good feeling when you're getting to know someone that feels stress free and awesome.

 

sorry to say, but your philosophies on life should be nowhere near accurate right now. you're 18 years old.. socrates died an old man and STILL had no idea what he was talking about.

I'm quite content here really. I'm confident that I've already been exposed a more than basic level of philosophies. Studying Philosophy at AS level did actually enlighten me to the world of philosophy despite what my exam paper says.

 

Always, since I have to skoot off to college in a couple of minutes I'll give a basic description of my idea to do some creative writing. It's a pretty basic idea that utilises any kind of blogging service out there, the idea is to create a journal for a character that contains flat, formal stlye enteries and then underneith each entery you have more writing which acts as window to these events. The idea is that the entries are updated in accordance to the days that pass in the fantasy world, so anyone keeping up with the journal finds themself having a much more personal relationship with the character. This also allows for many plot devices and cliff hangers, especially if they haven't heard from the character in a couple of days =3

[neolithic]

that's interesting, yeah.

 

if you say you've studied philosophy, then you should note that your desires cannot be depersonalized, unless you're all into a personal god, which i.. haven't picked up just quite yet.

 

the reason i say wait a "couple more years," is because i haven't been depressed in months and months. i thought it would never end.. i thought i was soo wonderfully special, that my depression was just a part of me, that i'd feel that way forever. and yeah, i feel like that for one day every.. three months now. but once i went off to college, matured a bit, changed my personality, realized things, you know, i'm just light years better. so, that's why you should wait a couple years, because you're, i think, a year younger than me. and if it isn't just a teenager grow up and whatever thing, then maybe life would be absolutely miserable forever.

 

but.. you know.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Rant away, and philosophy is the best, thinking of thinking

if your a greek farmer with time on your hands not much eals to do

 

as for love, its all in the brain, you can not get a bag of love than you can a bag of hope.

 

Its like starting a war on Tarre, Teera, Terria you know what I mean

 

So rant away