Please dont judge but help me. My life is a mess

[dilmi_b2003]

Hi all,

 

I am having a relationship with a married man and I know it is not right at all. But I am not a sort of a person who would even dream of cheating any one or who would try to distroy others family life.All these happened about 5 years a go and that time he told me that he would be getting a divorce as he was not happy in his marriage. Things were just continuting and we harldy met at the intial stage as he was very busy with his work all the time. Even if we met it was more like just dinner out and all but NO SEX.

 

TO make a long story short, there were few times which I tried to stay away from him as I felt very guilty of continuig seing him as he is married but he always made it to a point to somehow contact me and start a conversation with me. May be I didnt try it really hard at the beginning to break this and I dont know the real reason behind this.

 

About few years a go he lost his main income and financially he was struggeling and that was the time which he became very closer to me. I helped him a lot finanially and giving moral support when ever he wants but always made it to a point that I do not want to be a sparewheel so he has to make his choice between my self and his wife and always said not to divorce her and try to solve things between them and leave me alone. When I try to stop the affair he some how manages to get closer to me by coming up with

some sort of a problem he is havig and i end up helping him out.

 

Beginig of last year i couldnt take this anymore and i knew what he wanted was to keep his wife as well as my self so that when ever he fights with his wife he could use me to comfert him. So I decided to end this. After that only all the drama started. His wife called me one day (actually his wife is a sort of a person, if he talks to a girl even for an official matter she thinks they sleep together....i dont blame her for that totally as he sometimes does carry away with girls unnecessaryly) and wanted to check a number to see whether it was mine. He has taken many calls to that number from his mobile and i told her thats not mine and we both got to gether and tried to find out who she was. Actually she was a girl whom he had some official business and never got proved whether they had an affair or not. Due to this incedent my self and his wife started talking every day, and she told me it seems that he really loves me and its okay with her if he would want to marry me. I wasnt sure whehter to go ahead with this but after meeting his kids and the wife i really got connected to them and i said i would and i even said that i would take the full responsibility of the kids schooling and their further education.

 

The talks were going from here and there between us but no actions were taken. And at the beginning of this year the wife left him with kids after having a big fight and he says taht he doesnt want to live with his wife any more and wants to marry me (but doesnt take the necessary steps to divorce her). But i still keep asking him to try to talk to the wife and solve the matter as that is the best solution here and though it is difficult for me that i would leave him. Today he went to his wife's parents house to talk to the wife as well as her family as to what to do next, whether to go ahead with a settlement if there is any possibility of go for a divorce. Please tell me what to do. I am going though a hell of a time here. I really love him and i believe even he does. Last nite also we went out for dinner and he told me that he cannot live without me cos he never received the love and care i gave him from his wife. Also ever since we met, specially from quite recently he has changed a lot, he has been very responsible and considerate towards me. Try not to hurt me at all and always says and does things to prove that he does not want to get it wrong for the second time in his life. He knows that he would be happy with me as I would never ill treat his kids and even his current wife.

 

Am I being selfish and unfair? I feel really guilty for the current situation. At the same time though his wife treated me nicely she even had call my home and told my brothers what I have been doing. She still denays that she did it but I found out it was her who did that.

[Sad_now]

Hi! I am not quite clear on the problem? Do you want to live with him/marry him? If so, why did you suggest that he get back together with his wife even though she has moved out and he says he doesn't want to live with her? It seems you are the only one pushing for them to get together again! Also, how is it for the best that he gets back with his wife? Irrespective of whether he marries you or not, the fact is that he has committed adultery for several years and has lied about it. The best thing for his wife is for him to be out of her life and let her find someone who can love her and be true to her. You are doing her no favours by pushing him to her. As far as you are concerned, only you know whether you can trust him enough to marry him. As far as he is concerned, frankly, I am not that bothered. He has had his cake and eaten it for several years. Even now, he fails to take responsibility for his actions (why on earth are YOU and HIS WIFE talking about his fate!!).

Personally, I think they should get divorced irrespective of whether he gets together with you or not. Then once he is free to be all yours, you can take the first steps towards a proper relationship, rather than an adulterous affair.

All the best.

[Invicta]

It seems like you know that it's wrong to have an affair but you continue to do it because it's convenient. There is always something bad going on and it's easy to ignore important problems when there are so many confusions in everyday life.

 

You seem to blame this man for your choices to ahve an affair with him. Although it may be true that he is having difficulties, it doesn't absolve you for continuing this affair. The bottom line is: the two of you are complicating the situation by becoming romanticly involved. There is no way this man can set his life straight if he comes to you every time he has a problem. You aren't going to figure things out either if you have to worry about his problems in addition to yours...

 

 

You say he keeps coming back to you every time he has trouble with his family life... Just because he comes to you doesn't give you a free pass to do what you want with him. You need to take responsibility and stop this pattern of misconduct and guilt. It's impossible for either of you to improve your situation until at least one of you takes responsibility for your actions.

 

As you asked... I'm not judging... you both know what you are doing wrong.

 

so fix it.

[itsallgrand]

He is still married to his wife and has made no actions to get a divorce?

 

Let's pretend that he comes to you tomorrow and says "I want to be with you only. I am filing for divorce. Let's get together and live happily ever after."

Would you do it? Is that what you want?

 

This situation is unusual. It is unusual that you are buds with the wife, and the two of you are yapping about the 'best interests' of this man. It is unusual that you offered to pay for their childrens schooling. It is unusal that the wife and yourself are checking up on him and phone calls he is getting from other women.

 

Perhaps you should get together with his wife and the two of you can raise the children. But, really, he is not contributing anything to this situation other than choas, upheaval, infidelity, and pain. Pain for his wife. Pain for his children. Pain for you. And most likely, pain for another mistress or two - who is believing the same lines of bs as you.

 

I don't know if you have a sister, but perhaps you have a mother or close friend who is a woman. If you were to re-read your post as though she were bringing this story to you, what would you tell her? Would you think this is a good healthy situation for her to be in? Or would you advice her to get packing?

[dilmi_b2003]

Thanks you very much for all of your replies. I am also confused as to what i want right now. I want to marry him and at the same time I dont know if I can trust him. During last coupld of weeks also I tried doing NC but he kept calling me and and at the end i answered. I even changed my number and somehow he found that as well.

 

If I leave him now at this stage, would I be selfish? As I am also one of the reasons for his wife to leave him.

[angela1234]

He is still married to his wife and has made no actions to get a divorce?

 

Let's pretend that he comes to you tomorrow and says "I want to be with you only. I am filing for divorce. Let's get together and live happily ever after."

Would you do it? Is that what you want?

 

This is the question u must ask yourself. Just imagine this scenario REALLY happens cause so far it's only been promises...

 

You know why you posted this message? Cause deep inside you you are feeling DOUBT... and that is what you need need to ask yourself.

 

Trust me you have reasons to doubt this will ever work as much as you may love him....

 

As closer as you might be getting to the relationship you are still doubting.... Ask yourself why.

[angela1234]

Do not feel any guilt about him leaving his wife. His relationship with his wife was never working that's why he came to you.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks you very much for all of your replies. I am also confused as to what i want right now. I want to marry him and at the same time I dont know if I can trust him. During last coupld of weeks also I tried doing NC but he kept calling me and and at the end i answered. I even changed my number and somehow he found that as well.

 

If I leave him now at this stage, would I be selfish? As I am also one of the reasons for his wife to leave him.

 

Well, I find it somewhat creepy that you tried to break communication with him, even going so far as to change your number, and he tracked you down against your wishes. That is not very respectful.

 

No, it would not be selfish to leave at this stage. Remember: he is still married. He has no obligation or commitment to you.

Why would you commit yourself to someone who will not commit back?

 

Also, you are not responsible for this man. His wife left because he chose to have an affair!! He is a grown man and made the decision himself.

 

All you can control all your own actions. Personally, I think it would selfish to continue to see this man. I worry about those children which are caught up in the middle of this mess.

[angela1234]

Ya I think your affair is creepy. As much as I don't like relatiosnhips with married men I know they do happen and end up working, but not after 5 years like this....

 

Take this stupid example: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They are already expecting a child and he has filed for divorce from Aniston. (sorry for the example guys... I'm just trying to figure out how it SHOULD happen in a more healthy way)

 

Now leaving YOU in this situation for 5 years shows no respect from this man towards you....

 

He wants to posess you, but at the same time is not willing to make all the required efforts and has been playing with your heart.

[dilmi_b2003]

Again thanks guys for all the advices. It really does help. Since it has been 5 years I find it very difficult to forget him and move on with my life. But deep inside me I know that the best is to leave him and move on with my life. I have been doing things to keep way from him and at the same time find it very difficult to be strong and ignore his calls. Today he went to talk to his wifes mother and the family and still he hasnt returend it seems as there are no calls from him . Getting so sick of going through this pain .... i know i asked for it and it is my fault as well. but finds it difficult to move on

[angela1234]

Ya I feel really bad for you dilmi. It is gonna be REALLY hard, but u must move on...

 

You know it yourself. We didn't give you answers you already knew what the answers were.

 

And to help you with this, do not keep in contact with him. Change your phone number, be very distant and if he tries to contact you for now tell him it's harrasment and you will contact the police.

 

If it unfortunately has to get there tell him that cause I think he is capable of contacting you again and that won't help you healing.

[Sad_now]

If I leave him now at this stage, would I be selfish? As I am also one of the reasons for his wife to leave him.

 

No to both. If you DO NOT leave him, you could be making a big mistake. HE is is the reason his wife is leaving him. Whether your name is Sarah or Jane or Norma, it is irrelevant. The IDENTITY of the other woman is irrelevent. The FACT that there was SOME other woman is the reason for his wife leaving.

 

Don't try to be strong. Try to be loving. Towards yourself. By looking after yourself (and by default, staying away from him!). Just don't think of it as ignoring him. Think of it as giving yourself the time to rest and heal. Think of how you would behave if you were ill. You'd look after yourself and avoid things that made you sick! Thinkof how healthy and strong you will feel once this is over. Because whatever it is, it, too, shall pass...

[itsallgrand]

But deep inside me I know that the best is to leave him and move on with my life.

 

I think you know what it is you have to do, but you're having a tough time sticking to it.

That's understandable. Even though the situation is messed, you have feelings.

You're going to mourn this relationship just like any other, but in its way it will be more difficult. Because there is so much heaviness and confusion to it.

 

Stick around here. You're not alone. The people here are really good. There are folks who have gone through this and come out the other side, and others in different stages. Any everything you need to get through it.

I've never been there: but I could tell from your original post that your doubts and gut feeling are strong enough now that you may just do this!

I think it would be so good for you.

 

Just keep coming back here. We'll get cha through it.

[dilmi_b2003]

Guys, all of yours comments are very encouraging. What I need to break is this communication cycle with him and his friends have with me. He normally calls me on my mobile and if I wouldnt answer it he uses an unknown number to call me. Also thanks for telling me that its not my fault for him and his wife to separate cos I just find it very difficult to watch what his wife and kids are going through.

[angela1234]

Ya we are hear to help dilmi. I have lived a similar situation and I couldn't imagine myself out of it. I just couldn't. Now that I got out of it and I analyze it, I can't believe how this whole time I forgot to think of myself.

 

I was not being selfish at all. It's the opposite. I had I was not listening to what I really wanted and I was not respecting myself.

 

Good luck and we are here to help.

[dilmi_b2003]

Just to add one more thing, I have become an immotional eater as well because of all these problems. Life has been like a rolercoster and the heartbreak, tears, disappointments, fights and arguments that I have been going through made me to find the comfert in food. Joined with 3 gyms and ended up not continuing with any. Always temted to grab something unhealthy and eat it, and regreat after words. No point of putting all the blams on him as I am also resposible for my own actions. But struggeing to overcome this immotional eating habbit as well and continue with my gym as well. But the more I try to stay away from him the more I try to get closer to the food.

[Starfall]

It will be hard to move on, but you really need to.

Close the door to this madness, you were used, learn a big lesson from it and never look back. There is someone out there for you, someone who loves you and only you... not someone who will only call you and want you for their convenience, (needing $ and a woman's comfort). It's hard to hear, but you were used, (big time) In the end you were used by the wife as well. Plain and simple... it was a mistake, just learn from it and move on.

[Sad_now]

As far as the comfort food and emotional eating is concerned, don't worry for the moment. You have gone through emotional turmoil and you don't need to beat yourself about the fact that you've had a couple of calories too many. It's the least of your problems.

However, what helps is getting into some sort of routine. I know you don't want to exercise, so keep it light. Don't aim to run half a marathon a day. Just think of a 10-minute workout. But keep it regular. Have lots of water. Once your body gets into a routine, your eating will normalise as well.

But don't beat yourself up about it or feel guilty, because you'll just end up eating more. Plan a routine, try your BEST to stick to it, but forgive yourself the odd slip-up. It happens to the best of us!

[dilmi_b2003]

Last night he called me and told me that his wife doesnt need to live with him any more and neither does he but the problem is kids and he said that he doesnt want to hurt his kids. But I told him this we discussed few times and kids need to know the truth. There is no point of not telling them the truth that if their mother and father is going to get divorce and if the father or the mother is planning on getting married to someone else. I do agree about the fact that as adults we should think about kids mentality but it doesnt mean that we should hide the turth rite?

 

 

So I told him the problem is yours so fix it and come back to me if you really want me. Again there is no action about the divorce but talks. This morning again he called me to update the latest and told me wife has agreed to come back home but would live totally separately. I asked him what does he need from me. He said he needs few days to think about the next step that he would take. Also he told me decision is mine. If I would want him to divorce his wife and come then he would do it, it seems (this i dont buy anyway)

 

Also I must say there is a problem with the society in this case, cos he is a well known person in the society due to his career (he is a politician) and he would have to give up on politics if he is to devorce his wife.

 

Anyway he said that he would come and see me tomorrw to talk on this issue, and I want to be prepared not to get emotional and to tell him what I want. Do you guys think that he is just playing with my feeling? or is he a week person who doesnt have courage to make a decision of his won.

 

Just going though such a difficult time and feeling like my whole world is falling apart. cant think of anythig except sit and cry.

 

Also angela1234 I am sure that you also must have went though the same pain as you were also in a same situation. But how did u over come it? I really need to put all these things aside and move on as I have wasted enough.

[Sad_now]

I think you should hear him out. But you really need to be clear and make it clear to him that if he wants you, he MUST get a divorce, move out/move in with you, so that you can have a healthy relationship.

 

I don't want to give you false hope, but if he was just toying with you, at a crucial time like this (when his wife is leaving him), he wouldn't have bothered to ask to speak with you. He would have tried to save his marriage. Maybe he is confused about what he wants. Divorce is not easy for anyone. So don't be confrontational but MAKE SURE THAT YOU GET YOUR MESSAGE accross. THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN HIM ALOT OF TIME, AND NOW HE NEEDS TO ACT. WORDS MEAN NOTHING ANYMORE...

[dilmi_b2003]

Thanks Sad now.

I also think that he is confused and due to the problems that he is having with kids, family and those who were with him during the election time, becaue there is a big force from everyone requesting them to settle back due to the potilical issues (you know how it is with these politics, and we all know what happened with ex President of USA). And he is stuck in the middle not knowing what to do. At the same time wouldnt it be the case here that in case wife wouldnt come back, then he has someone to fall back (that is me) and that is why he is trying to keep me with in the loop? I dont know, I am just trying to through the stones at every angle to see if I can make sense out of this.

[Sad_now]

I agree. It's a difficult call. You want to stand by your man at a difficult time, but don't want to be the fall-back girl. I understand.

 

Just think of one word when you next meet him: dignity.

 

Don't throw a tantrum or cry (even tho u want to). Don't accuse him of anything. Be kind. Be polite. Be civil. Be understanding. Treat him with dignity. Even the worst schmuck deserves that. Then treat yourself with dignity. Try to imagine you haven't had any relationship with him. Imagine a married stranger with kids coming up to you in the street and telling you he wants to date you. What will you say? Think of that. Then say that to him.

 

If he loves you, he will be with you in the end. If he doesn't come back to you, it was never meant to be. But by behaving with dignity, you will always be able to hold your head high, no matter what.

 

I really hope this works out for you.

[dilmi_b2003]

Hi all,

just want to update with the latest. I broke up with me. It was difficult and painful but I know that is the best solution. Things were getting out of control. and as usual there is no action on divorce. I feel a bit selfish and guilty(i know i shouldnt) for leaving him but I know I do not have any other choice. Now the difficult part is to stick to my decision. Not to call him or his friends any more. Not to wonder how he is doing and not to answer to the calls he would make to me.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I am just catching up with your story now.

 

It definitely seems that you have made the right decision to break it off if after 5 years you still weren't getting any closer to what you want from this man.

 

I hope you can remain strong and stick to your decision- it will be hard but you have a good support system here already, and I hope you have friends close by that you can lean on too.

 

Keep us updated, ok?

[dilmi_b2003]

Hi all,

 

Well, as mentioned I broke up with him and told him not to call me any more. Getting the divorce is upto him and in case if he decides to go ahead with it, I may think of getting back together afterwards. But didnt give any promises. He agreed to all and after 2 days here it goes again. He got a friend of his to call me and after that he, himself started calling me. I just do not know how to getrid off this guy. Its difficult for me to stay away from him as well but that is the best choice here and i just dont know how to make him stop calling me and complicating things.

Any suggestions?