Just feeling down...

[Lily2006]

Reading this thread, I realise that my problems are very insignificant in comparison to those of many.

 

However, I am feeling down and could use some support.

 

OK here's the deal:

 

I'm 21, and I'm a senior in college. In the next month, I complete my degree. I have a lot of work to do, exams to sit etc. and this is very stressful for me.

 

Six weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend. Whilst this in itself was probably the best move I've ever made, it's shaken up my life totally.

 

We live together, and were dating for two and a half years. The last year was thoroughly miserable for me: he became excessively controlling and irrational. He is a very angry person and has issues with being in control which, IMO, stem from his childhood. It is not just me he had to be in control of: it is everything. Basically, it ended with me never getting a say in anything we did, where we went, what we ate or even what time we went to sleep. He was totally unprepared to compromise on anything. I do not for one moment regret breaking up with him.

 

He's very bitter. As I said, he's a very angry person. He did not want to break up. Because we have been a couple for so long, we share the same friendship group. He isn't exactly plesant about me. He wasn't plesant about me when we were dating: he'd bad mouth me to them, complain about everything I did etc. I do not for one moment want to argue that I am perfect and did not make mistakes within the relationship - but I do not believe that I deserve this kind of treatment from him. He's much more outgoing than me: I'm quiet and reserved, so I feel almost like he's "got" all of my friends and I have no one. I realise that they still like me for me, but I find it hard to get close to people whereas he seems to get along with everyone. I'm not a big party girl, he's a big party guy. I just feel alone and dwarfed by him.

 

There's also this other guy. I've adored this guy for the past year, but obviously never said anything to him or anyone else for that matter. I would never have cheated on my boyfriend even though I was unhappy. Anyway, this gorgeous guy likes me back. Two weeks ago, we met up and, although I've not slept with him, we get down occasionally.

 

My issues with this are that I like him way more than he likes me. I really do adore him. He's also a senior in college and neither of us have very much time but I'd like to see him three to four times a week even if it's just for a couple of hours at the local bar. I know he's busy and I try to understand but I just really want to be with him. He's way out of my league so I worry about everything: that he doesn't find me hot, that I'm bugging him etc. I only have eight weeks left at Uni and after this I am moving back home, 200 miles away. I just want to spend some time with him before that happens.

 

OK so basically those are the three factors which are getting me down:

1. My college workload and related stress.

2. My ex-boyfriend's actions.

3. Worries about my new guy.

 

I'm 200 miles from home, I'm lonely and I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into a big miserable hole. I just seem to cry all of the time. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. All I want is to go home.

 

Any advice is welcome - anything small, I just need to fix this before it gets too bad.

 

Thanks xxx

[Dazzerg]

I think this is a complex on; i think you need to separate things you can control from the things you cant first off. Your college workload can be managed and planned, make sure you are sechduleing in rest breaks for yourself, they are essential as actually doing the work.

 

You cant change what your bf does no matter how upsetting it maybe. However, maybe you could confide in your mutual friends and they might prevail on him to change. As regards the new guy I think your previous relationship has obviously done some serious harm to your self-image.

 

I think you have to try and rebuild that by taking control of the things in your life that you can control. Also, maybe you should consider a break?

[NJRon]

You just broke up from a 2 1/2 year relationship 6 weeks ago. Whether you are glad you did it or not, there is a healing process that needs to take place. You only have 8 weeks of school left.

 

Now is the time to focus on finishing out yout school. Don't sidetrack yourself with some other guy. There's not enough time to make anything worthwhile come from it and you are just setting yourself up for pain.

 

Spend some time on your own.

[Lily2006]

You cant change what your bf does no matter how upsetting it maybe. However, maybe you could confide in your mutual friends and they might prevail on him to change. As regards the new guy I think your previous relationship has obviously done some serious harm to your self-image.

 

I realise this. I know who my true friends are and they will not believe anything the ex boyfriend says. I just feel frustrated - he made me feel awful for the last year, and I wanna * * * * * about it to my friends so badly - but I know this is not the way forward. The way forward is to act my age and to bite my tongue and to take the "moral highground" as it were by not retaliating. I know he is only doing it to try and wind me up and I refuse to let him succeed!

 

Also, maybe you should consider a break?

 

What kind of break?

[NJRon]

A break from guys I imagine.

[anonymous_presence]

I realise this. I know who my true friends are and they will not believe anything the ex boyfriend says. I just feel frustrated - he made me feel awful for the last year, and I wanna * * * * * about it to my friends so badly - but I know this is not the way forward. The way forward is to act my age and to bite my tongue and to take the "moral highground" as it were by not retaliating. I know he is only doing it to try and wind me up and I refuse to let him succeed!

 

That's probably not the best way to go about it. Although it may seem moral and mature to hold it all in, it's really doing you no good. It's an itch that you need to scratch, and there's no way around that. You need closure, as NJRon said, and by suppressing the hurt and rage that you're feeling, you're merely delaying this process as it is naturally meant to unfold.

 

Let it out! All of it! ***** about it all that you need to! It's not about vengeance; it's about letting yourself heal and properly move on. Seeing as your friends know the situation a bit better, they could also chip in advice and give you support when you need it. Afterwards, you'll be closer to them, and you won't feel like your ex has got all your friends.

 

As for the guy you're with now, take some time to cool things down. Let the relationship naturally prosper. I doubt that you're way more into him than he is into you - he wouldn't be spending time with you otherwise. But still, given your workload and given the fact that you've got only 8 weeks left, it's best to keep things nice and casual. Don't hold on to any unreasonable expectations - you're a great person!, but it's just that there are circumstances that you need to consider.

[AwdreeHpburn]

well your concerns are neither insignificant nor should they be compared.

 

What you're experiencing is very real to you.

 

I agree completely with NJRon -

Now is the time to focus on finishing out yout school. Don't sidetrack yourself with some other guy. There's not enough time to make anything worthwhile come from it and you are just setting yourself up for pain.

 

Give yourself some time to heal, concentrate on finishing school and then have a HUGE - it's all over with cry/party.