Relationship Woes.... need advice

[HardShowingAffection]

I have been with my GF for 3 years and a few months. Over this time, we have gone through just about everything... from me living with friends, to staying at her parents place a few nights a week, to finally owning my own house. During this time, we have had many ups and downs. The house I bought was to be 'our' home. We both put countless hours into it, and she never asked for anything in return. The problem is, I haven't shown her what she means to me in the way she needs me to show it. There are things that she is angry with me about from the past, and these issues come up from the past. I have changed, and am always changing.

 

I have been trying to be a better BF, however, I feel that my efforts are sometimes undermined because old stuff is always brought up. How can I get her to forgive me? To see that I am trying to become a better person and will not do or say the things I have in the past? There is nothing more in the world that I want than for us to have a happy home.

 

I am 27, she is 22. She is still in school, and I have told her that I am willing to support her financially, and emotionally, and do whatever it takes to make her happy. How do I get her to believe me after things have failed in the past? We have agreed to see counseling, and actually get to go tomorrow. I am excited. I want her to know how much she means to me, and work through this together. We both love each other more than anything and would do anything for one another. I have had problems showing my affection, but not because I don't feel it. I would do anything for her, and I have all kinds of plans and ideas for us, I just haven't been able to act on them. The tension from past events seems to put distance between us, which in turn makes it harder for me to feel affectionate. I just want forgiveness and for her to let me show her the BF I have been trying to be. Any advice?

[ElektraHere]

What is it that you did to her in the past that she is having a hard time letting it go?

[RandomAdvisor]

What is it that you did to her in the past that she is having a hard time letting it go?

 

Yeah, knowing what happened in the past is important to advising you here.

[RayKay]

I too agree, we need more information about the "past events" to be able to give you proper advice. Some "past events" are more damaging and serious then others, or it may also show she is unable to let go of minor issues, so we really need to have more detail.

[HardShowingAffection]

Well, past events... let's see.

 

First off, I have NEVER cheated on her, and I never will. I believe we have full trust in one another.

 

Some of the problems we have faced in the past. Well, I have always been known to run my mouth, be a smartass. At first, she let alot of the comments I made run off she shoulder. Eventually though, as things started to progress, I think she started taking them personal. I have been working on being more compassionate and not saying hurtful things, and have apologized for comments in the past.

 

Tension would build between us, and in the heat of an argument, I would say something I shouldn't have. For example... when I got my house, she was there busting her rear on it, as was I. Her parents were over helping me paint, her father and I put in a new bathroom, she did SOOO much for me. She never asked for a thing... never. I guess in my eyes, I thought of it as her way of contributing to 'our' home. She feels that she has put so much effort into things, and I won't argue, but she also feels that I haven't shown my apprecition for her, and that I took her for granted. Anyways, in one argument, I blew up and said it was "MY" house and "MY" stuff, and since that time, she has not felt at home, or as comfortable with staying there or moving in because I reacted this way. I assure her that it is 'our' home even though I cover all the bills/utilities/mortgage. Money is not an issue... I just want a home together. I want her to be there as much as possible and express that everything is 'ours'. We built it together.

 

Also in the heat of moments, I have brought up money issues. I try not to ask her to pay for anything, and feel I always try and provide for her. She has never put her hand out, and expected me to pay for anything. In an argument, I would bring up stuff I pay for, the bills, the mortgage, dinners, etc. I think she feels belittled and upset. It is something that I shouldn't have said in the heat of the moment. I tell her I make enough to easily support both of us, and I have all intentions of doing that until she graduates. But I still think these arguments are in the back of her head.

 

Arguments have been a killer here, because a few of them have gotten so intense that those hurtful comments have poured out of my mouth, and I feel we have not recovered from them, even though I truly didn't mean them. I guess I was just protecting myself, which was wrong of me, but I did it, and I can't go back and change that.

 

She also feels that I don't show her enough affection. I hear "Is it so hard to give me 5 minutes of hugs and kisses when I come home?" I respond with "Absolutely not, I love doing that!" When all is said and done though, we don't do it nearly as much as either of us would like to. I don't know what it is. There is no one that I look forward to talking to everyday, and I still get antsy when I know she is coming over. Is this unspoken tension pushing us apart? I wish she could peer into my head and heart and see how strongly I feel... why can't I show it the way I want to?

 

If we ever take space, I sit and look at what I feel is wrong. Typical guy thing. I offer solutions, and we end up getting back together. I try and change (spend more time with her family at her request, etc) Things will be great for a month or two, then one argument, and we are back at square one. All the old stuff gets thrown out there. I don't know how to get her to forgive me, and see that I am changing.

 

I don't know that I have been addressing the right problems, but I don't know how to get her to see that I am sincere and honest when I have offered so many solutions in the past that ended up not being the answer.

 

Tomorrow we go in for a counseling session. I hope that she gets as much out of it as I did my first one. It is amazing to hear a third party's opinion on our relationship, and so much seemed to make sense. But I guess I would like to know, what can I do to earn forgiveness?

[HardShowingAffection]

Two other things that came to mind: One day she was wearing makeup, not alot, but some, and I truly think she is a beautiful girl. So... with all honesty, I told her that I thought she was more beautiful without makeup, and that she didn't need it. She got very defensive, and I think views it as a control thing. As in, I don't want her to wear makeup because it makes her look hot and guys might hit on her. This couldn't be more far from the truth, and I told her that. She is beautiful, and I tell her that I love waking up next to her and her being just as beautiful as when I went to bed with her.

 

Finally, she thinks that I don't like her going out with friends. We always go out together, my friends love her, my family loves her, so we are always doing stuff together. She feels I give her a guilt trip when she wants to go out with her friends. I may have in the past, but I think it was because I want to be involved with her friends just as she is involved with my friends, and it hurt a bit. She recently went out with some of her girls, and I was SOOO happy that she had fun. She gets upset about not having the firends she used to, and I don't know if she feels I try to control her or what. Part of me feels like I have to force us not to hang out occasionally so that she will go out with friends... because when we are together, we always do stuff with my family or friends. Not because I am opposed to anything different, just because that is what seems to happen. I would love to meet the girls she works with and goes to school with, but how can I express this? I want her to have a social life and do the bar scene if she wants... but I also love spending time with her, so if she says she doesn't care what we do, obviously I want to do something together.

[ElektraHere]

I think she is tired of your "running of the mouth." You may not see them as harmful or lasting but they are! You seem to want to give her the world and then when you get mad your like a little boy on the playground and stomp off in a huff. You tell her this is our house but when you get mad it's suddenly your house. If I were her I wouldn't feel comfortable either. You sem to pick at everything she does even to go as far as telling her she looks better without makeup. You seem to assume that she knows how you feel but the only time you verbalize it is to criticize and complain.

 

I would be angry and tired of you too. If YOU don't straighten yourself out towards her she is going to leave and NEVER come back. Why stick around in that environment.

[HardShowingAffection]

I agree with you are the lasting effects of my remarks. While I have been very good, and careful about any arguments recently, the arguments way back when about the house and money are still lingering.

 

I assure her, and try to show her that I it is 'our' home, and that I am willing to provide for her without any feelings of guilt, or being in debt to me.

 

And I see your point when you mention picking at her when I even mentioned the makeup. While I truly meant it as a compliment, I could see how what I said tore at her, thinking that no matter what she did, it wasn't good enough.

 

I try to continually express how proud I am for the workload she takes on with school (nursing school), clinicals, managing a job, and everything else that is going on. She is kicking * * * and is a great individual.

 

I try and compliment her more, but I think there is still room for me to improve. I guess some of the things that I see as compliments or constructive criticism are not viewed the same by her.

 

Maybe this is has caused her to close up and not open up to me anymore, which leads to some of our arguments, or lack of affection. I am willing to learn, and want nothing more to make her the happiest girl in the world.

[HardShowingAffection]

How did you finally get to the point to where you could forgive your husband?

 

I feel that I praise her quite often, even though she doesn't feel I do. If I tell her she is beautiful, it seems like she shrugs it off, or doesn't take me seriously. I don't remember the last time she said thank you to one of my compliments.

 

We havent really talked about the arguments, because she gets worked up and just says "I don't want to talk about it".... so I don't push it because it will just lead to another fight.

 

This is one of the reasons I think a counselor could help... because we can't talk about the issues until they build up and she explodes. We need to open that road of communication back up so we can move forward.

[Iceman26]

In response to your first paragraph, you didn't say anything wrong by telling her you thought she was beautiful without makeup. She sounds like she has a bit of a chip on her shoulder if you can't say something like that after more than 3 years of being together.

 

In regards to the second paragraph, if she insists on spending time alone with her friends, thats cool. Everyone should have their own life. I think you should go out with your friends without her, and have your own life too.

[HardShowingAffection]

Well, Friday didn't go quite as expected. We went to counseling, and she is hard set on walking away. Even though the counselor was able to show us how some of our actions (or lack there of) have led to the demise of our relationship, she doesn't want to work at it anymore.

 

After the session, I gave her a boquet of roses along with a poem that I had written which truly expressed my feelings and how I was striving to make changes.... it didn't matter.

 

I don't think she believes a word that I say anymore, which truly hurts because I feel I have made significant improvements and will continue to as well. She just holds so many past events/arguments/words from the past that is seems that no matter what I do at this point, I am doomed.

 

I would absolutely love to be able to show her how sincere I am, and do everything I can to make her the happiest girl alive. Over the past few weeks, I have learned so much about myself by reading books (Getting the Love You Want - By Harville Hendricks; Getting to Yes : Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In - By Roger Fisher). There were so many things that seemed logical in my standpoint, and the solutions I offered and worked towards made sense to me, but it seems we were still on different wavelengths.

 

I guess I never truly understood what she wanted and needed. I mean, I did know the problems, but I felt I was working towards them, and putting in an honest effort to bring about change. Communication breakdowns really hurt us, and at this point, I don't think that she is willing to give it another shot. If we could only sit down and talk... to see what she would like to see from me, to know that I am putting my best effort forth, and then eventually be able to forgive me for some of my past shortcomings.....