She was interested until she found the age gap - PLEASE help

[Turboz]

Some of you may remember my rants and rave's from previous posts about how I found myself hopelessly attrracted to a opera singer from the russia direction several months ago. You may also remember that I'd mentioned quite a lot of eye contact and that I sent her 12 red roses to which she said she would contact me from her home country. After 2.5 months she actually called me on Mon 14th July - rather late at night I might add too.

 

Now this is where I'm worried because she rung up and said "Hallo, I love you" and then hung up on me. I didn't believe a word of what she had said but it was quite obvious she was asking for me to call her back. I called her back and found that the rest of her english wasn't as good and she also sounded a little drunk - I think she'd decided to go the "Dutch Courage" way before ringing me. Neither of us understood eachother so she hung up again sounding a little confused.

 

Tuesday

I rung her back after work. Again the language was a problem but she managed to string together a sentence "How are you" after 5 mins of getting things wrong. I managed to find out that she speaks Russian, Romainian and Italian and told her I would call her back another day.

 

Saturday

I had an interpreter 8) . I called her back and handed the phone to the interpreter. The interpreter did a great job, established who each other were and that she was going to interpret between us. Ok, this went very well and I found out a few key issues like her age, marital status etc. I also found out about her 7 yr old son which had me a little concerned. After 24 hrs of non-stop thinking I realised that she is still the same person I liked 3 months ago and all that has changed is what I know about her - This woke me up and I just accepted that she has a son - Why should it be a problem?. I was told that she wanted to call me sooner but she couldn't speak english. Now she claims that for the last 2.5 months she has been trying to learn english with the intention of calling me ASAP (though if you remember my previous posts there was a bf on the scene when I sent her 12 red roses and my phone number - I reckon she recently broke up with him and decided to give me a go). This phone call seemed to be going places and I was rather pleased. We arranged to speak again on Tuesday @ the same time. I also found out that she's a full time opera singer - Not the sort of job you can get paid for full time in the western world.

 

Tuesday

I called again with the interpreter. She hadn't actually asked anything about me in the previous chat so I asked her what she wanted to know about me.

Lets get things sorted by priority: She wanted to know what my job was first. I immediately thought "Ok, here goes the gold digging..".

 

Next it was where did I first see her. I knew this was crunch time and it could only get worse. I immediately realised that she didn't actually know who had sent her the flowers (which she later admitted). I explained that I had been an extra on the set - She couldn't actually remember any of us despite the fact that she had made eye contact a lot with me and stared me out. This got me rather concerned - especially when the only other person she could think of, wasn't actually me. Ok, big deal - So I could send her a photo and get that dealt with but read on..

 

How old: I knew this was the serious part. She's 34 and I'm in my 20's. I told her I was 27 (had to see how she would react to the age gap idea right?). Things took drastic turn from the romance direction to "Oh my god do you realise I'm 34???". When I asked her how she felt about the age difference the reply was "Lets continue as friends and if something does happen then it is the will of god". Now I'm not sure how any of you would read that but I took it as "You'll need a miracle from god for anything to happen between us pal". I asked if I could contact her again to which she replied yes and that she always has her mobile with her wherever she is so I could call "whenever". She didn't ask for a time or date like she did previously.

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Thats the story so far. Please can someone advise me. I've had 2 people say don't call her back - If she's still interested she will call you. Ok, fair enough but remember at 1:20AM her time she still felt it was too expensive to ring me so she said she loved me to get me to ring her back (and she didn't even have a clue who the hell I was - Stupididty at it's best? or just clever?)

If I don't call her back and she doesn't call me then thats it - Game over. I can't suddenly ring her up after 3 weeks of waiting for her to call and say "Hey!" can I.

 

Now I could ring her back in a few days but as you have read from the above she seems to be cooling off now from the romance idea. I've had a lot of people say to me not to bother because she's only after a passport etc. I don't think she is. If she was she would have made contact sooner. She also puts her career before her son - He lives with her mother and sister. Before you comment on that, She's a full time opera singer. The rest of her company have all taken their summer holiday and she's still voluntarily turning up for work at the theatre practising every single day that god brings.

Then there's the fact that she wasn't keen on the age gap - If she was seriously just after a british passport then would she care? - I don't think so.

So my problem is this: If I call I could screw things up or just look desperate. Things could get better but they could get worse. If I don't call then the chances of her calling me are virtually none (poor country and calling a british mobile would be Very expensive). If I leave it to her to call I think I've lost the whole game.

 

What should I do? - Please give the best advice you can.

[dfcannon]

That's a fascinating story. You really are quite intrepid. At this point, forget about the phone game, so call her at will. You're dealing with a 34 year-old Russian opera singer, after all, so she'll have different qualities than we expect of many young women in the West. Russian women tend to prefer older men, often much older, and especially when the man is Western (British, American, German, etc.). They think of these men as more stable and mature. So, you really have a cultural age barrier to overcome. May I suggest that you offer to travel to see her in Russia. That's your best bet, in my opinion, and would certainly show your serious intent and respect for her. Good luck!

[Turboz]

Any other opinions on this?????????????

[confusedone]

Yes I do actually have one. I think you have much bigger problems in here than the age gap. You know almost nothing about this woman except that she is very attractive. You come from different cultures, you live thousands (or at least hundreds) of miles apart and you don't even speak the same language. Even if you called her and she could overcome her issues with the age gap how do you plan on building a lasting relationship in this situation? Now I am not saying that I am principially against longdistance intercultural age gap realtionships since I am at this point at least contemplating entering one just like that. However, I cannot imagine having a relationship with somebody I cannot communicate with or do so only through an interpreter since I believe communication is vital - you cannot possibly have a serious relationship based just on looks (although they are important too). Also you should be concerned about the fact that she has a son and puts her career before him - it means there is a high probability she would put her career ahead of any relationships she might have in the future too plus she obviously has some baggage from former relationships. Again, I am not criticizing this, but it is something you should think about and decide for yourself if you want to and can deal with it. Also, I don't like the fact that she called you without knowing who you are - that comes accross as a little desperate move and yes, one should wonder if she really cares about you or she cares more about the fact that you are British.

 

Anyway, think about everything very carefully and if you still feel like you really want to have a relationship with her - call her. I don't think you will look desperate, I think you will simply look as somebody seriously interested in having a relationship with her. I don't believe she will call you up herself, you should be the one to make the move.

 

In my humble opinion, I see too many problems with this relationship in order for it to work and if it were me I would just forget her. I trust you will have many more opportunities in your life to meet somebody great. Do you really want to invest a lot of time and money into something so complicated? LDRs are not cheap and since she is from a poor country you will be the one carrying the financial burden! Also, you will have to work hard on your communication problem - you should at least try to learn some Russian (good luck with that!) and I think df has a really good point about visiting her in Russia.

 

Although me and bunch of other people thinks you should just let this go, only you can make this decision. Just whatever you decide go into it with your eyes wide open. Good luck!

 

p.s. How old are you exactly if I might ask - 27 or less than that?

[matt_20]

Its an issue to her and you will have to respect that.

 

If she doesn't want to be with a younger person, she doesn't want to be with you.

[Turboz]

UPDATE:

Since posting I called her again and she's said yes to dinner when she's next in the UK.

 

Seems she's got over the age gap thing now

 

Thanks for the help!

 

Turboz