Vulnerability

[itsallgrand]

Find it difficult to accept kindness?

Since my break, yes, I have been so raw. It's as though my shell has been broken. It's scary.

It's odd. It is usually easy for me to extend a hand. I don't mind if people cry in front of me, if they get angry or malicious, if they are sad. I like giving what I can. I feel like I can take it. Bounce, bounce, easy to repel these things and do what needs to be done. I've even made a living out of it. Being the one who speaks for others. I never consciously decided it. If I did, I can't remember when it became autopilot.

 

I have no trouble speaking my mind. My heart is a whole other matter. It is no so easy to speak from the heart. Mind and heart integrated: uneasy balance at this time. The pieces are shifting.

 

I watch myself lately. I am like some weird loner. I can socialize fine. Some people even find me charming. So why do I avoid companions. My actions speak of a person who wants to be left alone. I will show up for you, but don't you show up for me.

I don't quite get it.

I do want others to show up for me.

 

I know I need to do something about this.

 

Fragile. Since I last saw the ex, I have felt like a raw bud that has been exposed. I'm not too comfortable with this bud, nor do I know what to think of it.

 

It feels much easier to sit alone and understand this. In the presense of people, it doesn't take long for autopilot to switch on. I watch. It doesn't take a lot before I shut down.

 

I'm wondering what to do with myself. I can't just hole up not interact with people. I feel like I could write a thousand pages and still go on. Just being slow, noticing, not speaking. It feels like such an effort to speak out loud right now. It's not how I normally am. I have been talking much slower. More deliberate. People will look at me funny, as though impatient that i have not reacted. I'm not sure how I feel without going super slow. Can't say I enjoy it too much, but neither do I dislike it.

 

My question is: How do I take care of myself and not neglect those around me?

what needs to be done?

I find myself not wanting to answer the phone. I reply late. I can't bring my self into time with the world. It seems so fast. Speed dial.

 

ahh if only i could retreat to a monastery or something right now! lol.

 

If you've read this far, thank you.

 

Any comments, tips, or tales of experience welcome! mainly needed to say that without saying it

[Alabama]

It is best to speak with your heart, if you disagree with someone on something. I know you like to be kind, but it also good that people understand that you are your own person. As for another way of not losing yourself, perhaps get involved in things you like. Are any sports or clubs that would interest you? To keep your self-dignity, it is best not to neccesarily think about the other person (though this may sound selfish, it isn't), but think how you would feel about a certain topic. It is always good to be considerate of course, but it is equally important to think about your self for a change.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks, Alabama. Sometimes it feels good to vent. I'm still learning to put myself up high on the list.

take care

[Diggitydave]

Remember in all things,

you have to love yourself first before you can give it away to someone else and you have to learn how to take care of yourself first before you can take care of someone else. You can't give away something you don't have so putting yourself high on the list is a good thing. Don't let people say you're being selfish or self centered, there is a difference between that and taking care of yourself.

 

Love others as you would yourself right? So you have to have yourself pretty high up before you can lift others

 

 

David or Dave whichever