Should I call?

[Florida Girl]

I have been dating a man on and off for 4 years. We have both dated other people but we always get back together within a few weeks or so. We have been seeing each other this time since January and the last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago. We had a great time. I called him last Thursday and left a message that if he didn't have plans I would like to see him. He never returned my call. I got an e-mail from him 2 days later wishing me a Happy Easter and to tell me he already had plans Thursday when I called and haven't heard from him since. He has never not contacted me for this long. I suspect he is dating someone else. Should I call or should I wait to hear from him? Do I ask him if he is seeing someone else?

[whatchamacallit]

I would ask him if he's dating someone else just so you would know what's going on instead of wondering. He needs to be honest with you.

[annie24]

welcome to eNotalone

 

when you say that you have been dating him on and off for 4 years, what are the circumstances? Do you want something more serious with him? Or you just like him as a fling? Because if you want something more serious, it doesn't sound like this is the man for you.

 

good luck

[Florida Girl]

I love the guy but he can't committ. I think the guy is crazy about me but has issues with commitment. We both date other people but we keep coming back to each other. He told me last month that if he were to want to spend the rest of his life with someone it would be me. I know we can't be together because I have 2 kids and he doesn't want to start another family cuz his kids are grown and he will be retireing in 2 years (he is 45). I thought I would be ok with just dating him because we have a wonderful time when we are together, but I'm starting to think that I cant handle that because I love him so much.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Welcome FloridaGirl - Hope we can help.

 

I agree with Annie.

 

What is it you want from this guy? Exclusivity?

 

If you do, you should ask for it. If he says he doesn't want to be exclusive, time to move on....

 

Four years is a long time and it's easy for me to say "move on" cuz I'm not in your shoes. But if not hearing from him bothers you or his dating someone else bothers you, then you should probably re-evaluate what you want from this relationship. And if you're not getting it, find it some where else.

 

I would call him. That's what I woyld do. I would call him and I would tell him what I wanted and ask if he thought that was something we could do.

 

If not, I would prolly get really angry and emotional -that's not a recommendation, just what I would do - have a good cry and try to move on.

 

But ya never know. You may be surprised. You'll never know until you ask.

 

Good luck!

[AwdreeHpburn]

OK - so you do know.

 

If you are no longer OK with the situation, I hope you can find the strength to change it.

[annie24]

I agree with Ta_ree_saw. My advice is also to move on from this man.

 

He is 45! If he hasn't been able to commit by now, he will never commit to you. If long term is what you want, you should find another man who will give it to you.

 

If you want to stay in a yo-yo relationship, then stay with this man.

 

yes, it does sound like he is seeing someone else.

[Florida Girl]

Some of my friend and family tell me to stay friends with him because he is a good friend, he is always there when I need him. He has never treated me bad. It's that he doesn't treat me enough, if you know what I mean. I just don't know if I can do that. When we are together it's like fireworks, he acts like he is so happy to be with me, but after we are together he doesn't call much and then he will call me to go out and I do. Sometimes we have sex but the past few times I told him I wasn't comfortable with having sex with someone that doesn't call me so he started calling me more and the last time I went out with him I spent the night and we had sex and now I haven't heard from him except to wish me a happy Easter. I don't know if he backs off so not to lead me on or what. What do you think?

[annie24]

well, it sounds to me like you are starting to get to the end of your rope with this relationship. I don't blame you.

 

If you do decide to finally call things off, I'd have to say that a period of no contact - at least until you are over him - is necessary. It is very hard to stay friends with someone and get over him.

[AwdreeHpburn]

"What do you think?"

 

Here's what I think, sounds like he likes cake. And eating it.

 

If you think you can stay friends, good luck but Annie's right - or at least I agree with her - you should try to get over him before you try to stay friends.

[Florida Girl]

do you think I should just back off or should I call him and make it final? I don't want to burn any bridges. I have no family here and he does help me out when I need something.

[annie24]

well, if I were in your shoes, I would tell him that you greatly care about him and would like to have an exclusive relationship. But, since that is what he said he doesn't want, that you need to take some time away, to heal and get over him. And then one day, you two can be platonic friends again. But just for now, you need to get over him.

 

I know that you can depend on him, but wouldn't it be nicer if you had a husband that you could always depend on?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Yep.

 

And it won't let me just say Yep, so suffice it to say....

 

Good call. Don't burn any bridges but let him know you will be distancing yourself and why. If he is the nice guy you say he is, and I'm sure he is, he'll understand and give you some space.

[whatchamacallit]

Florida Girl, I don't know how old you are, but you mentioned he is 45. His kids are grown, you still have 2 kids at home. Do you think he doesn't want to committ cause he has already raised his kids and doesn't want to do that again? That he really loves you and can't live without you, but the circumstances aren't favorable to him? How does he feel about your kids?

[Florida Girl]

he has already shown he wants distance because he hasn't called. So do I just not call him or should I call and ask whats up? I think if I call he will be defensive. He hates confrontation, obviously! So what good will it do if I call?

[Florida Girl]

Hi whatchamacallit. He doesn't come around my kids much. I have on child who is ADHD and he is the type of person that can't handle difficult kids (or adults). I do believe in my heart that one day we will be together, but I am not going to sit home and wait on that. I am 40. I do date other people but I have not found anyone that makes me feel the way he does. I still get butterflies when I see him.

[whatchamacallit]

Calling him may make him run even faster away from you. It's the hardest thing in the world, but be unavailable to him for a while. I would ask him when you do finally talk to him, what the problem is. Is it the fact that you have children to raise and his are grown? Are you two at two different points in your life? How much of an age difference is there between you two?

[whatchamacallit]

Florida Girl, I myself was in a relationship with a man who has two young boys, my kids are grown. I'm 11 years older than him. The fact that he still has children to raise was and is a real issue with me. Maybe it's the same situation for him?

[Florida Girl]

he has told me that he would want to spend the rest of his life with me but he doesn't want to start another family because he will be retiring and he has difficulty with my son

[whatchamacallit]

The fact that he doesn't come around your kids much is a definite red flag. He loves you, just not the reality of your situation. Just trying to give you some insight on why he can't committ to you. He may be scared of the children situation and doesn't want to hurt you by telling you so.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Maybe you could go on with your life as if you were taking your space and wait until he calls you, which he most surely will. He is probably not giving this as much thought as you are.

 

He sent you a message, he probably thinks eveythings ok.

 

Wait until he calls you and then just matter of factly tell him that you think you need to move on from the "romantic" portion of the relationship.

 

Mean it this time. Telling him that you don't want to sleep with someone you never see and then accepting seeing him for one day as his solution is giving in - to him it means that.

 

I'm not saying anything is your fault, at all, just that you have to mean it and stick to it.

[whatchamacallit]

The fact that you have children and the situation with your son is a problem for him that won't go away. No man should come between your children. And, I understand his position of not wanting to raise children. Using his head, he should move on and find someone whose lifestyle is more compatible with his. But, I know, this is so hard to do when you're in love with someone.

[Florida Girl]

whatchamacallit, I agree, if I met a man with younger kids I would really have to think before I got involved. I know he loves me because he is still around after 4 years, he hasn't been with anyone for more than 3 months. I know that my kids are the only thing that is keeping us apart, I know he loves me and I understand that he backs away and tries to find someone else that he can be with but nobody makes him happy but me.

[annie24]

well, you are just calling him to let you know how you feel. not to call and ask what is up with him. if you guys have been friends for so long, I don't see the harm in calling him to talk.

[whatchamacallit]

FG, I wish something could be worked out for you and him. If you love him that much, would you be happy with a yo-yo relationship with him? With my ex-guy, I was happy with half a relationship cause I didn't want to let him go, but I also didn't want to raise his kids. But, he wants a full time relationship. I couldn't give it to him. And, I understand that. Sounds like you two are on two different pages?