A Story..a vent more than anything

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Hey all,

 

I switched sixth form colleges in September 2005 due to personal issues. I met a lot of new people, obviously, and some of them have turned into good friends, which is great.

From the start, I noticed a girl who I'll call Nikki, and she was very similar to me in a lot of ways. I noticed she was attractive, (a little taller than me, slim, dark hair, great eyes...pretty much fitted my pre-concocted Ideal GF Image to be honest) and it turned out she was bisexual too, and single. At that moment, I was technically single...well, on the tail end of a relationship that was fading out.

 

That summer, I met my now-boyfriend on the internet, but hadnt met him in person at that point.

 

On October 8th I met up with Internet Guy Who Is Now Boyfriend of Nearly 7 Months, and that was the day we kissed and got together. That evening, I went to a concert, Nikki was there with our other mates. When I got there, she came up to me (obviously a little bit drunk) and kissed me, with no warning, full on arms-around-me, deeply etc. Id only kissed new BF goodbye 40 minutes ago, so I pulled away and said *heya, think you're a bit drunk!*

 

She then started crying a bit, and said she'd fancied me so much since the minute she first saw me at college, etc. I was a bit embarressed by that, so I found a SOBER mutual friend of ours to look after her, and left as soon as was polite.

 

It was a little awkward at college the next week, as we both hang out with the same group of friends. .. but I tried to make sure it wasnt too bad, and she told me she had meant what she said and it wasnt the alcohol talking. I said I was flattered etc and that I thought she was hot (which was true), but the timing was wrong and I wasnt single.

 

But I was with a couple of friends earlier and we talked about various things, and somone said *Nikki always talks to me cos Im nice, and to Emily (me), but thats mainly becauise shes really into her*.

I said *what, still?*

And this friend looked at me in amazement, laughed until she nearly fell over and said *Its so ****** obvious, the whole college knows*. And I guess I knew that, ive been so busy being a fulltime depressive I havnt noticed it, but now I think about it, there are a lot of signs that I cant believe I missed.Since October, she is a friendly person anyway, but she definitely flirts with me still, and has asked a mutual friend several times if Im still with my boyfriend. She texts me etc and I thought it was kinda OK, like, she'd have gotten over it since October, wouldn't she?

 

But it would seem she hasnt. I havnt treated her differently to any other of my female friends/lead her on, I mention my boyfriend, etc. But now I feel...bad. I feel bad because..if my boyfriend hadnt come along, I would definitely have got with her. And I guess Im having a case of the What Ifs.

 

Will someone please remind me not to be so stupid and keep up polite/friendish treatment of her? Its just..I see her everyday through college and who we hang around with, etc. I don't actually wish I HAD gone with her instead of my boyfriend, I just..I dont know, wonder, you know? And its in my face every day. She's single.

 

I often thought how great my BF is and how I love him. But can I honestly say that when I feel this way? I guess THATS why I feel so bad, I cant be into my BF as much as I thought?

 

The other thing is, I have rubbish, I repeat RUBBISH, self control and an extensive cheating track record, I gotta avoid certain situations I guess...arrghhh.

 

I wish that ONE person wanted me at a time. (Dear Lord, that sounds arrogant, and I know that, but its how I feel).

[Scotcha]

I often thought how great my BF is and how I love him. But can I honestly say that when I feel this way? I guess THATS why I feel so bad, I cant be into my BF as much as I thought?

 

I think almost everyone wonders and has "what ifs" from time to time. It is not necessarily a lack of such thoughts that would measure how much you care for your boyfriend... It's what you do about them that counts.

 

The other thing is, I have rubbish, I repeat RUBBISH, self control and an extensive cheating track record, I gotta avoid certain situations I guess...arrghhh.

 

Stop telling yourself that! You're doing fine so far in my book. coming here to vent is a step in the very right direction.

 

I wish that ONE person wanted me at a time. (Dear Lord, that sounds arrogant, and I know that, but its how I feel).

 

I know what your saying but.. It might be nice to have your problem from time to time.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Thanks Scotcha...Im recognising it this time around, there will be no repeats of years/episodes gone by *cringes at memory*. Its called learning from mistakes I guess.

[kellbell]

Hi Emily,

 

Do you feel bad because are not single now and she is hurt or do you feel bad because you rather be with her but staying with your BF because it the "proper" thing to do or feel obligated to him because you were with him first? I think it may be an important thing for you to step out of yourself for a moment and figure out WHY you feel bad. Once you have come to that decision, I feel you will know how to act accordingly.

 

Furthermore, this young lady needs to respect that you are in a relationship. There is absolutely no reason why you can't be nice to her. But maybe keep your distance a bit but you don't have to be mean.