If the kiss never works does that mean it isn't real love?

[sometimes_vague]

I'm at a point where I'm thinking my relationship of almost 4 years needs to come to an end because I have been waiting for our sexual chemistry to kick off. We have such a beautiful friendship, we laugh and cry together, we travel the world and are the closest of friends. Yet when it comes to chemistry I just don't get the spark, unfortunately he does. The biggest thing that has always sat in the back of my mind has been the fact that our kiss has always felt awkward to me, like a first kiss as a teenager. I expected it would get better over time, but it is still the same. I now wonder if the kiss is the first indication of whether there is something on the deeper level? If it isn't in his kiss, then can I really love this person on a deeper level and share my life with him?

 

What do you think. Is it is the kiss?

[Scotcha]

In a way it depends on how important kissing is to you. If you can feel happy and fulfilled regardless of how he kisses it wouldn't be a problem. But you are here asking for advice so I'm not sure that is the case.

 

Is it just kissing or are you incompatible in other areas as well. (You mentioned waiting for the sexual chemistry to take off..)

 

Is it a problem with technique or like you suggested it may be, a lack of deeper feelings on your part? If it is technique perhaps try gently broaching the subject but if it is something else it may be time to reconsider your relationship.

[sometimes_vague]

Good questions to raise.

 

Kissing is important to me. I think it can be a really initmate time with your partner without sex. It can also lead to making love. It can also be an important part of making love. So the fact that his kiss has always been awkward does worry me. I've talked to him about it and even tried to encourage some change - but it never works and its still the same 4 years on.

 

The chemistry thing. When we have sex I feel as though i might as well not be in the room most of the time. This is a truly wonderful generous, thoughtful guy in our relationship, yet in the bedroom he is completely selfish. Over time that has lead me to switch off completely from him in a sexual sense. And so now he wants it and I just can't. He's been really patient and hasn't pushed me to or anything, but I know he is down about it. But I just can't continue to put myself through something that makes me feel so alienated from the one I love.

 

I've told him about this as well. Most recently with examples of why I feel that way. He was shocked and said for the first time ever he has realised how selfish he has always been in regards to sex and wants me to give him a second chance. I don't know if I can.

 

So I am wondering if maybe all we have is a devine companionship and friendship, yet the sexual chemistry will never be. And if so I'm not sure that is enough for a lifetime together. Yet I don't want to lose him or what we have together either.

 

So how important is chemistry to a long lasting and satisfying r'ship.

 

I hear people say that it is the spark/chemistry that can keep couples together during hard times. If we don't have that, what will keep us together. I'm also sometimes jeleous of other people who so clearly have the spark - they also often seem to have crazy relationships so up and down, but I still envy the look they have for each other in their eyes.

 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

[Siriana]

I agree with you. Chemistry is not some sort of warranty that things will work, but if you start without chemistry you always ask yourself is this the right guy for me? Good kiss is something sooo important to me... If I kiss a guy and it's not great I just know that we woan't be having great sex.

Sometimes people are just not sexualy compatible and can get along in so many other different areas of life - and that's o.k. for some people - not having really great sex. And there is not a rule about it.

The only thing that is important is how much of an issue is this to you?

[Scotcha]

Your boyfriend is at least willing to try and make some changes. Whether you cannot allow him the oppertunity or will not it doesn't matter. Without attempting for change your relationship will remain the same leaving you unhappy.

 

Are you afraid to give him the chance because you are afraid it might not solve the problem or do you just not want to try? Neither one is wrong but your reasoning could help determine the state (and fate) of your relationship.

 

I think sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. I know for myself that if I was unhappy and left feeling unfulfilled it would begin to effect other areas of my relationship.

 

You said that you turned yourself off to him in a sexual sense because of his selfishness. Could that be affecting how receptive you are of his kisses? If a relationship is void of physical intimacy I can imagine that it would affect other forms of physical affection.

[shyanne]

I'm at a point where I'm thinking my relationship of almost 4 years needs to come to an end because I have been waiting for our sexual chemistry to kick off. We have such a beautiful friendship, we laugh and cry together, we travel the world and are the closest of friends. Yet when it comes to chemistry I just don't get the spark, unfortunately he does.

What do you think. Is it is the kiss?

 

i think it's good you question it now. i think all that's important for a life long relationship and if you don't feel it now, you won't ever. don't stay with someone your not completely in love with. it's not good now.... it will get worse and you'll be very unhappy if you stay. more so, if your married with kids. maybe take a break from him and date others.. if it was meant to be, you guys will get back together later in life or the break will help you decide if you truly loved him.

[whatchamacallit]

Kissing is very important to me! My ex husband was a horrible kisser, and at one time in my life I thought about paying a male friend of mine to kiss me! I know that's absurd, but I felt desparate. Of course, I didn't do it. He's my ex, and if I were to ever remarry, he'd HAVE to be a good kisser. Maybe that's shallow, but I don't ever want to feel I have to look elsewhere again!

 

Hey, maybe that's a good topic. Would you pay someone to kiss you if your mate doesn't kiss good?

[BellaDonna]

The chemistry thing. When we have sex I feel as though i might as well not be in the room most of the time. This is a truly wonderful generous, thoughtful guy in our relationship, yet in the bedroom he is completely selfish. Over time that has lead me to switch off completely from him in a sexual sense. And so now he wants it and I just can't. He's been really patient and hasn't pushed me to or anything, but I know he is down about it. But I just can't continue to put myself through something that makes me feel so alienated from the one I love.

 

I would suggest that if you feel that way- do not ever marry him....for his sake and your own. He deserves to be WANTED, and you deserve to have the chemistry that you don't have now. Neither of you should settle for less.

 

The only other thing I can think of is if you do want to work on the relationship, see a sex therapist together.

 

Since there was not chemistry there from the beginning, sadly I think it will be almost impossible for you to try to to trick yourself into feeling it, no matter what you do.

 

In regards to your question abuot kissing- I do think kissing is very important, and plays a vital role in sex and romantic feelings in general.

 

BellaDonna

[Cyberchick]

What about sex therapy? Is that something you'd consider?

[drum4god]

I believe there is some truth to the old saying: It's all in the kiss.

 

Last year I broke up with a great woman. She was kind, loving, and would have gone through a brick wall for me, but due to lack of sexual chemistry I had to break it off. I was villiafied by many people, and I felt like a villian. Even my Mom was mad at me. Despite all that, I had to do it. I would have been unhappy, and in turn would have made her unhappy. The thing that bothered me, was I knew after our first kiss she wasn't the one. There was no spark, no chemistry, and I should have ended it there. But it wasn't like I wasn't attracted to her. She was a beautiful women. Plus she was so kind and giving, and that goes a long way with me She was such a great woman I felt like how can I not be with her. But as time went on, I didn't feel happy with her physically. I didn't want to kiss her, or even hold her hand. It was unlike anything I have ever felf, but I knew it couldn't continue. I ended up breaking her heart, and it still hurts me to this day, but now I am with someone I am in love with, and in my heart the kiss sealed it.