Coping with bf who smokes

[midnight_orchid]

I love my bf very much. We've been together for almost 2 years. However, he smokes and I don't know how to deal with it.

The weird part is, I have friends who smoke and it doesn't really bother me. As a matter of fact, that's how my bf and I started out. We were friends first, for the first 3 months and then we became more than that.

I'm not sure why it bothers me so much that my bf smokes, but when other people do it, I don't mind it as much. When my bf was just a friend, his smoking didn't bother me as much, either. Maybe it's because now I'm around it all the time, "forced" to smell it and kiss it, etc.

When my bf smokes in front of me, I end up shutting everything out because I feel like he doesn't respect me. I've told him before that the smoke irritates my eyes and gives me headaches. When he does it, I feel disrespected and then I don't really talk to him and I don't feel like doing anything with him. My moodiness puts him in a mood too.

 

I want to be able to go back to the carefree person that I was in regards to his smoking. Please help!

[agent1607307371]

Have you told him that it makes you feel disrespected when he smokes around you?

 

Unfortunately smoking is an addiction so he can't just drop it (unless he really really wants to, but thats a choice he's going to have to make for himself) but maybe you could talk with him and work out a compromise on it?

Such as only smoking outside or out of a window and brushing his teeth afterwards ect..

[midnight_orchid]

Have you told him that it makes you feel disrespected when he smokes around you?

 

Unfortunately smoking is an addiction so he can't just drop it (unless he really really wants to, but thats a choice he's going to have to make for himself) but maybe you could talk with him and work out a compromise on it?

Such as only smoking outside or out of a window and brushing his teeth afterwards ect..

 

 

We haven't had our talk yet, but that's exactly what I was planning to tell him when we do. The thing is, I've brought it up before and it almost caused our break up. Then we got back together and for the past 6 months since we've been back together, I've noticed that he doesn't do it in front of me. So I thought we had an understanding (silent compromise, I suppose). Then all of a sudden, last weekend he did it in front of me. Because he did it in front of me, I felt like he disrespected me and I immediately became moody again.

What I want to do is to control my moodiness... still have a fun time when we're out and then talk to him later about it.

How do I control myself?

[orgasmictofu]

I'm a smoker, and I can appreciate that some people hate it. I don't smoke around non-smokers, and I won't kiss a non-smoker before I brush my teeth or have a stick of gum.

 

From experience, he's not going to quit for YOU. If he quits, it'll be for HIM, when HE'S ready.

 

Until them, just tell him flat out you won't kiss him after he smokes, it's gross, and not to smoke at YOUR place. Other than that, not much else you can do. If you go to a party and everyone is smoking inside, you can't do anything.

 

I know it's gross, and I believe that it gives you a headache, but you have to decide if his smoking is a deal breaker, or if you can live with it.

[midnight_orchid]

yeah I know I can't make him quit and that the only person who can make him is himself.

I have thought about telling him that I won't kiss him after he smokes, but I'm afraid that he's going to take it the wrong way. Every time I bring something up, he takes it as if he's not good enough for me and that I don't accept him for who he is. If I were to tell him that I won't kiss him, it'll probably make him angry with me. Also, if he's already contemplating a break up, me not kissing him would be another reason to add to the list.

Besides, he knows better and doesn't usually try to kiss me right after he smokes. I also notice that as soon as he comes back inside, he'll use the restroom to wash up and rinse his mouth with listerine. So "kissing an ashtray" isn't really what I'm worried about.

He's already angry because the past weekend, he smoked in front of me for the first time in 6 months and I brought it up. Now, he doesn't want to talk to me and is most likely contemplating breaking up. We haven't gotten a chance to have this talk that he's been wanting because he's away on a trip.

 

All I want to know is if there is anything I can do if he "slips" and does it in front of me again to calm myself down and not be the moody person that I normally turn into. The thing is, I don't really know where this moodiness is coming from. I have friends who smoke and it doesn't bother me as much as when my bf does it. For some reason, when my bf does it, it bothers the hell out of me.

Any insight, theories, suggestions?

[Blue Skittles]

K I was recently a smoker and I quit. And my boyfriend still smokes. It doesn't bother me as much maybe because I used to smoke.

 

Anyways - the thing with smoking is its HARD to quit - and if u guys spend a lot of time together let him know that you don't want him to smoke in front of you, cuz it irritates you. BUt anyways... if he does quit - he has to quit for himself. And its a decision he has to make for himself. I found that when I quit it was during a time when NO ONE was nagging me or putting pressure on me to quit - i did it completely for myself. When people were nagging me about it it made me want to smoke more - just to spite people.

 

Yea, so I mean give it time. If it bothers you that much maybe you should break up with him. But he will quit in his own time - just try not to pressure him about it.

[orgasmictofu]

Blue Skittles, I don't believe midnight orchid is trying to get her bf to quit, she just doesn't want him smoking around her.

 

blue orchid, I think if he went 6 months without smoking in front of you, you should cut him some slack. If he only lights up in front of you once every 6 months, you can live with that.

 

You shouldn't be walking on eggshells around him. You shouldn't be worried of a breakup if you say something within limits. I mean, don't tell him you're going to sleep with the football team, but you asking nicely not to smoke around you is not unreasonable. I was in a relationship that I had to really watch what I was saying to the point that it was numbing my personality because I was always afraid of my boyfriend getting into a fight or breaking up with me. It's not fun.

[midnight_orchid]

orgasmic tofu,

 

you're correct. I'm not trying to make my bf quit. I just want to learn to live with it.

You're also correct in saying that if he went 6 months without smoking in front of me, I should cut him some slack. I understand that it's hard for him to not smoke in front of me, especially when all his friends are smoking around him.

However, I do have the right to ask him to not do it in front of me. I let him slide Friday night (which he only did once). Then on Saturday, he did it 3 times. So I waited until we got home and I thought I politely asked him to not do it. I said, "I'm not trying to pick a fight but I haven't said anything about your smoking because you haven't been doing it around me and I'd appreciate it if you didn't." Now I talked to some of my friends and some of them told me that even though I phrased it "nicely" he could have taken it out of context and thought I was giving him an ultimatum, which I wasn't doing. So maybe he misunderstood me.

 

I did freak out the first time I saw him do it in front of me, which is why I then reverted back to being moody and decided to tell him how I felt because I didn't want him to think that it was alright with me when he smoked in front of me.

Now because I brought it up, he wants to have a talk and I think this talk is going to entail him wanting to break up with me.

We were making future plans on Friday evening, about 2 hours before he lit up in front of me and because I brought it up, I feel like now he wants to break up... which I think is unfair. We both reverted back to our old selves, but we've been fine 6 months prior. I think he should at least give us another chance before deciding to call it quits and I think he's jumping the gun.