dilemma with friend

[uongy]

hey there guys.hope u had a gd easter.my dilemma is with a friend of mine..who i have feelings for.

 

ok,i have only known her since sept. when we met at university.it turns out we live pretty close to her but that was a coincidence.basically,i really fancied her and we have kissed on a few occasions...mostly when one or both of us are drunk.

 

anyway....i decided not to persue it cos she didnt seem that keen on me in that way....but we have become quite close as friends.anyway....things have got a bit crazy lately with girls so i decided no girls for the foreseeable future....just concentrate on studies and being friends.

 

however,i cant seem to shake off my feelings for her.i speak to her often on the net and i tend to very excited when i get the chance to talk to her.i think about her alot...

 

i dont know what to do cos i really dont think we are going to get together and im happy as being friends but i still have those feelings there.pretty confused how to deal with it.

 

any help please??

[darkness1235]

I can't really help you. Because I'm going through something like that too. I also have a friend whom I have feelings for but I'm also happy with the friendship. But if there's anything I can do I'm willing to help.

[Dating Coach]

You've kissed her and you don't think she likes you? Why?

 

I'll tell you one thing, if you keep this self doubt she will move on if she once had feelings for you. Instead of taking the role of the confused and lost guy, step up, take control of the situation, and ask her out for a real DATE. Make sure she knows it is a date before hand, and make it between just the two of you.

[uongy]

it pretty clear that she doesnt like me in that way.i mean we have talked about it and she said she would prefer me to be a friend.

 

if there was any doubt i would be actting differently

[monsieur]

I totally feel for you bro. I am in exactly the same situation. Gorgeous girl, we are both single. I am absolutely head over heels crazy for her. We go out all the time, Saturday we went to the gym together, yesterday we went out for dinner, we are making plans to go shopping on Wednesday. I have extreme feelings for her and they are growing more and more, yet she is totally happy to stay in friends mode. It is driving me crazy.

 

I can't even look at any other girls, a supermodel could walk up to me and it would do nothing for me... this girl has me in every way imaginable, she looks absolutely stunning, her personality is perfect, I care for her deep in my heart so much. She has touched my soul more than any girl ever has before, and I have had 4 long term relationships in the past, this girl has touched me deep inside more than any of those ever did, and yet we haven't even connected completely yet.

 

I wish so much that she could feel the same way for me that I feel for her, I am still hoping with all my heart every single day.

[uongy]

wow dude lol.i think u in more deep as me!

[monsieur]

Yep, emotionally, I couldn't be in any deeper. I am still hoping that life will turn out good, I know for many people it never does.

[Dating Coach]

it pretty clear that she doesnt like me in that way.i mean we have talked about it and she said she would prefer me to be a friend.

 

if there was any doubt i would be actting differently

 

Should have mentioned that before. No biggie. But hey, you're right, move on and forget it. She told you her decision and you should respect that. Also, please understand that the more you hang out as her buddy the more that being her buddy is all you will ever be. I tell you this because a lot of guys (myself included) wasted a lot of time in this position hoping that miraculously feelings would develope from her side over time. Nope. You hang out as buddies, you're her buddy.

 

Gorgeous girl, we are both single. I am absolutely head over heels crazy for her. We go out all the time, Saturday we went to the gym together, yesterday we went out for dinner, we are making plans to go shopping on Wednesday. I have extreme feelings for her and they are growing more and more, yet she is totally happy to stay in friends mode. It is driving me crazy.

 

First off, monsieur, I've told you before that I have been there myself. I have on several occasions. Even more, is that since I have educated myself about dating, I have worked with dozens and dozens of guys in similar situations. You know what's funny? All, and I mean ALL of the girls in those situations were gorgeous. Each one of those guys, myself included, was stuck up the girls butt, and talked about how nice we were, but yet, all of us were attracted to a beautiful girl. Is this a coincidence? Or maybe we shouldn't be so "high and mighty" because it is obvious that there is a correllation between our crushes and physical attractiveness.

 

We would never have admitted it at the time, I wouldn't have, but out of Jennifer 1, Becky, Christy, Christa, Sarah, Jennifer 2, Kelly, etc, only Kelly was worthy of dating. Now that I am independent and self confident I look back and realize that those girls were fun and good looking, but none of them (save Kelly) would be considered by me today because they simply weren't girlfriend material.

It's not just me either. Of all of the guys I have worked with, each story had a girl totally taking advantage of them, some intentionally, others unintentionally. Some had the girls being much worse and doing some pretty * * * *ty things, but the guy overlooked those things and kept on crushing, thinking she was so great.

 

The point is, neither you, me, or any of these other guys are "high and mighty" nor special. We were still dudes who were thinking 90% with their twig & berries. You can deny it now, as I once did, and as so many other guys did as well, but you won't be able to convince me.

 

The second thing, is yeah, I bet it is driving you crazy. When you continue to hang out with someone who is not interested in you, it is bound to hurt so much. So why do it?

 

Honestly, if she was so great she wouldn't allow you to continue to hang out with her. She knows you like her, she knows you hope to one day get together with her, but she doesn't seem to put too much thought into your feelings because she continues to string you along on shopping trips, dinners, etc. It's terrible. I bet you offer to pay for her dinner too. She's definitely using you, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and you are letting it happen. So no wonder you feel so terrible...

 

I can't even look at any other girls, a supermodel could walk up to me and it would do nothing for me... this girl has me in every way imaginable, she looks absolutely stunning, her personality is perfect, I care for her deep in my heart so much. She has touched my soul more than any girl ever has before, and I have had 4 long term relationships in the past, this girl has touched me deep inside more than any of those ever did, and yet we haven't even connected completely yet.

 

Her personality isn't perfect. No one is perfect. I am shocked that you are 30 years old or near 30, because guys usually go through this type of thing in their teens or early 20's. She's not perfect, she strings you along. My girlfriend would never do that to someone. Plus, if you are such a good guy and deserving of a relationship, then if she is perfect why can't she see this?

 

Honestly, I feel you aren't thinking with your head, at least not the one on your shoulders (she's very pretty and isn't handling your situation with respect-yet you are still infatuated), you are inexperienced, you are not willing to acknowledge the real issue, and are stubbornly persuing her beyond her rejection. I want to help you monsieur, which is evident by my 20 posts to you on the subject, but I can only be an advisor, YOU must make the decision to correct the situation.

 

I wish so much that she could feel the same way for me that I feel for her, I am still hoping with all my heart every single day.

 

She does not. She will not. She gave you her decision and if you want a relationship then you should respect her decision and move on. To keep trying is not only disrespecting yourself, but disrespecting her decision.

 

This is the last post I plan to give you as far as advice goes. You've had practically EVERYONE tell you what needs to be done as well as give you advice on how things work, yet you are still sitting in the same place you started at-having refused to listen to anyone. The tools have been laid out and it's up to you. I just hope you do the right thing before you turn 40 years old...

[monsieur]

thank you for your advice and thoughts, diggity

 

I'm so deep in this with my heart already, I am going to have to ride it out, for better or for worse.... I still have hope, there is still a chance, you are right it is possible I could end up alone and unhappy, but to give up hope now would make me extremely unhappy now. I am going to follow my heart, and do everything I can to charm her.

 

And I am extremely attracted to her, you are right, but sex is only a small part of the equation. I want to love her, I want her to love me.

[Dating Coach]

I want to love her, I want her to love me.

 

Tell her this. Her answer is her answer.

[monsieur]

I agree. I must wait for the right time, though. and I know, the longer I wait the more chance I am wasting my time and heart, but I honestly feel it is worth taking that chance. Thanks again, Dogg, even if I seem hard to get through to, I am taking all of your advice in and really appreciate your thoughts.

[grymoire]

Diggity,

 

Can you please explain this "stringing along" thing. I think you know my situation. I conveyed my feelings to my female friend and she said she doesn't want to be in a relationship with any man now as she just came out of a breakup. She has been single for the past 6 months and keeps telling that she doesn't want a boyfriend now..

 

I have accepted her rejection but continuing with her as friends. I do not hope that my friendship with her will turn into something more. I take her rejection as the final answer.

 

Anyway my question to you is this. Since I am her friend she and I hangout for dinners, movies, lunches, games etc. I do not pay for her. Do you think this girl is stringing me along? After reading your reply I feel so. She pleaded me not to break the friendship after her rejection. I am wondering what she is upto exactly...

[Markers]

I'm not Diggity, but if you don't see any way how she could be using you (you're not paying, not being her taxi service, not being personal renovator, stylist, carrier of her shopping cart etc.), and if you really have accepted the rejection and moved on and you're fine with being just friends, I don't think you should worry about what she is up to.. because apparently your friendship is working okay. Just make sure you're getting as much as you're giving to the friendship.. and make sure you don't have feelings for her..

[monsieur]

and, sad to say, prepare for the day when she suddenly changes her tune about not wanting a relationship and you find out that she has been seeing a guy for weeks but didn't tell you about it because she 'wanted to spare your feelings'

 

it seems to me the pattern of using an excuse

[grymoire]

I'm not Diggity, but if you don't see any way how she could be using you (you're not paying, not being her taxi service, not being personal renovator, stylist, carrier of her shopping cart etc.), and if you really have accepted the rejection and moved on and you're fine with being just friends, I don't think you should worry about what she is up to.. because apparently your friendship is working okay. Just make sure you're getting as much as you're giving to the friendship.. and make sure you don't have feelings for her..

 

Thankx Markers!

 

The reason why I feel this way is because this girl is hell bent on pursuing the friendship with me. She puts in lot of effort so that I don't walk away from being her friend. Once I just remarked that I may have to go back to my country and she said "You are breaking my heart. I will come to India (my country) and see you". She insists on having lunch only with me. We meet for lunch and coffee 3 to 4 times a week and this went on for like 8 months. And she is the one that initiates it all the time. Of course I don't pay for her but I am just wondering why she wants to hang out so much and yet not willing to pursue a relationship with me.

[grymoire]

and, sad to say, prepare for the day when she suddenly changes her tune about not wanting a relationship and you find out that she has been seeing a guy for weeks but didn't tell you about it because she 'wanted to spare your feelings'

 

it seems to me the pattern of using an excuse

 

Yeah, I understand your point. But if at all I know anything about this girl its that she is brutally honest. She puts things as it is and doesn't care about hurting peoples' feelings. She means what she says... She said she doesn't want to be in a relationship when I asked her out (she had just ended a 3 yr long relationship). It's been 6 months since the breakup and still she is single.

 

Even if she does get a boyfriend I really don't care 'cos its none of my business to see what she is doing with her life. Of course it would hurt me a bit 'cos I had feelings for her but I cannot halt my life for this woman. I will just start dating other people.

[monsieur]

well, grymoire, I hope that your story ends up better than mine, maybe she will one day decide that she now wants to be in a relationship and then tells you that you are the one she chooses..... I fear that women don't operate that way though, and the only thing that would change her mind is a completely new guy altogether... at least that is what happened with me, we hung around a lot, she contacted me like crazy, but she was not into a relationship, said that she wasn't hardly attracted to guys at all, maybe once in years, then all of the sudden she ends up with a new guy so the story changed and suddenly she is into being in a relationship, it just wasn't a relationship she wanted with me... friends only, nothing more

[grymoire]

well, grymoire, I hope that your story ends up better than mine, maybe she will one day decide that she now wants to be in a relationship and then tells you that you are the one she chooses..... I fear that women don't operate that way though, and the only thing that would change her mind is a completely new guy altogether... at least that is what happened with me, we hung around a lot, she contacted me like crazy, but she was not into a relationship, said that she wasn't hardly attracted to guys at all, maybe once in years, then all of the sudden she ends up with a new guy so the story changed and suddenly she is into being in a relationship, it just wasn't a relationship she wanted with me... friends only, nothing more

 

I can perfectly understand you Monsieur! I know the pain of getting rejected by a female friend.

 

You know what's the best thing to do? Completely ignore this girl, give her the impression that you don't need her at all in your life, have your own things to do, and most importantly date and get intimate with other women. If this girl comes begging to you for some attention kick her to the curb and say that you are busy having fun with your girlfriend and hence don't have time for her.

[monsieur]

Well, I'm moving away to get myself away, unfortunately my heart will probably continue longing from a distance, even if there is no contact, but I have to get away at the very least.

[Markers]

Of course I don't pay for her but I am just wondering why she wants to hang out so much and yet not willing to pursue a relationship with me.

 

As she does not want to pursue a relationship with you, and puts so much effort into this, the only reasonable explanation is that she sees A VERY GOOD FRIEND in you and doesn't want to lose you.

[Dating Coach]

Monsieur, I am glad to see that you are picking up on some things!

 

Grymoire, if you truly have accepted that you are just her friend and are not hanging onto hopes that she will change her mind, and you are actively pursuing other women, then that's okay. Especially if you are NOT being her taxicab, are NOT paying her way, etc. She should be treated like any of your guy friends at this point. In that case, this is okay.

[grymoire]

Monsieur, I am glad to see that you are picking up on some things!

 

Grymoire, if you truly have accepted that you are just her friend and are not hanging onto hopes that she will change her mind, and you are actively pursuing other women, then that's okay. Especially if you are NOT being her taxicab, are NOT paying her way, etc. She should be treated like any of your guy friends at this point. In that case, this is okay.

Hi Diggity,

 

Yes, I do not hope that my friendship with this girl will turn into something more! I believe that attraction and feelings should develop naturally and not be forced. If she doesn't have feelings for me fine, I am sure some other woman will.

 

Yeah, I don't pay for her at all. When we hangout for dinners, lunches, movies etc we pay ourselves. In fact right now she has booked the tickets for Pearl Jam concert for both of us and I owe her money hahaha I am now very clear that she values my friendhsip very much and loves to spend time with me but thats all there is to it and nothing more.

 

I have learnt a valuable lesson from this experience. And I guess it will help Monsieur also. The days that followed her rejection were pure hell. The pain was very difficult to bear but I realized that in time it will heal. And I also found that as I began to see her less and less the emotional attachment started to reduce. Its simple and has been mentioned in these forums time and again but I just wanted to say that it definitely works. Seeing and being with our OA is the cause for all the craziness that makes us want them even after they rejected us. Once we begin to reduce the time that we spend with them by default the attachment will begin to lose its strength. And in time we will be completely over them and start meeting new people. I hope this helps!

 

G