my story update! good news and bad!

[shamus]

this topic should probably be in the healing after breakup section...however, since i have posted in this forum many times my story over the past few months, I've gotten great support from many people and i thank you all-too many too list who have helped me you know who you are

 

well, i met someone new. great girl. i can trust her, she seems mentally and emotionally stable-doesnt get jealous, start fights, or anything. on paper she has all the qualities i wish my ex had-honesty, loyalty, trust, caring, i believe her. however, i still think about my ex. i still love my ex. I know. its screwed up. i never felt anything in my 31 years that i felt with my ex. she blew my mind, which is why i put up with so much junk. i never felt such passion before. never knew how great or destructive love can be(what a powerful force it is) before I met my ex. this new girl is great, but she's not my ex.

 

on that note, i also realize i am still hurt by my ex. i havent fully healed. i am healing but it is slow. we are taking things slow. I am giving this new girl a fair chance. we are still in the getting to know you stage. i see the qualities in her that i value most in a person and know i can have something healthy and loving with her, something my ex, no matter how physically beautiful she was, could never give. i still love my ex, but am letting her go. i will always hold her somewhere in my heart, but i know i need to move on.

 

i guess for me its to move forward slowly, not have any expecatations with this new girl, see where it goes and forget my ex.

 

if you love someone, set them free that phrase comes to mind

 

goodbye MaryAnn, i always loved you, and a part of me always will.

 

i know God has "a plan" for me. my new interest's name is Angel. (seriously) maybe she is here to heal my heart, show me that it is possible to open up my heart and not be afraid to love anymore.

 

pray for me, and thank you all.

 

-Shawn aka Shamus

[coollady1957]

I wish you all the best with your new lady, Angel. I totally agree that no matter what hurt and heartbreak we suffer, that there must be a better plan for us behind it all in the long haul.

 

I am happy that you have begun to move on ,but yet slowly , taking your time. Good wishes to you.

 

Coollady1957

[ElektraHere]

The thing is you may end up hurting this new girl with all the unresolved feelings you have. I was involved with a man who hated but also loved his ex. He said the same things as you I was the person he wished his ex could have been. He broke up with me because he found he still had all these feelings he had to resolve before starting any sort of relationship.

I think that you should be upfront with this new girl. That you still are working through all the baggage of your last relationship. YOu should give her the choice whether she wants to continue even if you end up breaking it off with her because you still cant seem to come to grips with the last break up. Would you want this new girl to feel how you have been feeling lately. I am all for someone to move on but moving on is alot different then someone just filling the space of someone you cant have.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Rainz]

Couldn't have said it better myself"

[Scotcha]

Shamus, every time you've posted I've been reminded of a friend of mine who's handle is Sheamus. The funny thing is.. His name is Sean. Anyway..

 

I agree with ElektraHere 100%. I too was in a similar situation and I guess I still am in a way.

 

My relationship with my boyfriend started about a year after his marriage ended. At first I thought he was over her but pretty quickly it became almost obvious that he was not. I loved him and he loved me but a part of him was having a hard time letting go. It took him almost another year before he could give me his whole heart and a big part of him is still very afraid of getting hurt again.

 

It was hard, it really was, but he was always always honest with me about where he was and where he wanted to go. If he hadn't been I would have known and I never would have been able to trust him. I can't stress how important it will be for you to be honest. There isn't a need to mention details that will be painful for the both of you but there is a need to tell her where you stand. Don't cry to her though. (That's actually a horrible mistake I've made myself.)

 

I stuck it out because I cared about him, I enjoyed what we had, and he wanted to move on even if he wasn't quite there yet.

[coldheart]

Yup, having lived through a rebound myself, I admit that it is extremely unfair for the reboundee. After my previous ex I thought my life was trashed (knew nothing about these sites or proper post-breakup strategies). So after pushing my ex so far away that she never called again, I took interest in this new girl that I was attracted to physically, but not much else. She professed her love one day, and I did not reciprocate. One day she began questioning why we had been going out for 6 months and didn't commit to each other. I left her on this very same day. I will never forget how much it hurt me that I had used a good girl (I had been her first love, first everything) to be my rebound.

 

Shamus, as with you, I am currently dating many chicks, but refusing to tie the knot for this very same reason. I refuse to put anyone in my hurtful condition because it is too painful and I would only want to do to others as I would like to be done to myself. I will continue like this until I am 110% positive that I am fully healed and over my ex.

 

Hope this helps!

 

-CH

[shamus]

thanks for your advice

i have talked to this new girl about it. not in too many details. but i gave her the gist, that i was burned, told her that i just want to take things slow, let things build. no pressure. i told her that if i seem distant at times, it's just me being a little bit afraid of being hurt again. she understood this, so we are going slow.

i feel i am slowly healing, and i am looking forward to new opportunities and challenges that life is throwing at me. this new girl seems very kind caring and understanding, and as the wall i have built up slowly crumbles, i know i will be able to give her my entire heart.

[ElektraHere]

I hope that you are that rare diamond out there. I hate to be such a pessimist but when you just last week were torn over your ex this gal will never measure up until she(the ex) is fully out of your heart and your mind. Also if a girl is really attracted to someone and they say "I want to take it slow." Sure the girl will agree but then down the road when she has progressed in her feelings for you and you are still at point A then thats where all the hurt feelings start happening. I would be totally upfront about what it is that your dealing with. I know someone suggested not to be fully open but I would rather know what it was you were skiddish about then just think all is fine and it really isnt.

Does that make sense?

[shamus]

makes perfect sense.

i have told her about everything. i do like this new girl, and i feel she has shown more promise than my ex, and is a lot more mature and better for me. so we are hanging out. she is a good girl and i can see my feelings for her growing. i just think that since i was burned, iam skeptical about women and relationships right now-it wouldnt for me matter how long or who the person was, the pain i went through i never want to feel again.

[ElektraHere]

makes perfect sense.

i have told her about everything. i do like this new girl, and i feel she has shown more promise than my ex, and is a lot more mature and better for me. so we are hanging out. she is a good girl and i can see my feelings for her growing. i just think that since i was burned, iam skeptical about women and relationships right now-it wouldnt for me matter how long or who the person was, the pain i went through i never want to feel again.

 

I know everyone has a certain amounts of baggage they carry. The proverbial carry on is a given but Shamus I see you having a couple steamer trunks right now.

 

As long as your open with her and she knows where your at in your head about things. Something to think about is she there because of who she is or is she there because you are tired of being alone and you think she will erase the past for you?

[Scotcha]

I know someone suggested not to be fully open but I would rather know what it was you were skiddish about then just think all is fine and it really isnt.

 

Hmm.. I think you are referring to me and I was misunderstood.

 

I cannot stress enough how imprtant it is to be honest. My boyfriend and I would not be where we are if he had not been 100% honest with me. I know a situation like this can turn out successfully but it has to be done right.

 

What I meant is that there is a difference in letting her know the situation and divulging information that would best be kept to himself. There is a difference between saying that you are still hurting over a past relationship and saying that you will never be able to love someone as much as you loved your ex.

 

That being said.. If the second statement is reflecting your thoughts more than the first I think it would be too soon to start a relationship anyway.

[justmoi]

This is my take on your situation.

 

I think your getting involved with this women out of needyiness and desperation, i think your just looking to fill a void to lessen the hurt you are going through...its not good to get involved with someone like this...ive been on the recieving end of this kind of thing for many years..it hurts like hell.

 

Cource this is just my opinion