Friend needs advice and I can't help her!

[Boricua7]

The reason I can't help her is because I'm in a similar situation and I don't know if my opinion/advice would be biased.

 

Here's the situation:

 

She and her boyfriend of over a year broke up months ago. She has been struggling but is slowly getting over him. They are trying to be friends. He sends her messages telling her that he loves her and just sent her a "Happy Easter" message. She tells me she is confused. She doesn't know what to think of his messages. I think he still cares about her otherwise he wouldn't be contacting her at all but that caring does not necessarily mean that he loves her in that way or that he wants to get back together with her.

 

Am I right? I mean, I don't want to shoot down any hope she may still have of the two of them getting back together but I do want her to be realistic, you know? Should I go ahead and tell her what I think or continue to shrug and go "I don't know"?

[Moon Goddess]

I think you should tell her what you THINK, tell her that your opnion but that your not sure. I would play it by ear see how he comes on to her and let her to come to her own opinion she should know him well enough by now.

[Daddy Bear]

I think he still cares about her otherwise he wouldn't be contacting her at all but that caring does not necessarily mean that he loves her in that way or that he wants to get back together with her.

 

imo you got it right. if you say nothing or encourage her to get back with him she might get hurt all over again, maybe worse this time. if you say that he probably cares about her as a person but she should play it cool, i don't see how you could cause your friend any harm, and it would then be up to the guy to prove you wrong.

[Relationship Coach]

You have to support her in what she wants from the relationship. If she wants to be friends and work on healing, then she needs to let him know that those sort of emails are no longer wanted or appropriate. You need to be neutral but supportive if that makes sense, the last thing you want is to see her hurt again.

 

RC

[Boricua7]

I would love to be neutral and supportive but what do I say to her to remain in this status? Should I tell her that I think his messages are nothing more than a "Hi, how are you?"; that the messages show he cares but it doesn't necessarily mean that he cares for her in that way? Should I tell her to just take it as it is and not read too much into it? What can I say that's supportive but that doesn't mean that I think he wants her back and won't encourage her to think that it means something more?

[Relationship Coach]

Tell her it's too difficult to try and understand the true meaning but it's unhealthy for hear and slowing down her healing. She keeps picking scabs and wondering why she can't heal. You need to tell her that remaining friends with him may be admirable by some but successfully done by very few. What is going to happen when he starts dating someone, having a front row seat to that event is no picnic for her or you.

 

RC

[Boricua7]

Tell her it's too difficult to try and understand the true meaning but it's unhealthy for hear and slowing down her healing. She keeps picking scabs and wondering why she can't heal. You need to tell her that remaining friends with him may be admirable by some but successfully done by very few. What is going to happen when he starts dating someone, having a front row seat to that event is no picnic for her or you.

 

RC

 

You're right. I'm just want to know more-or-less what I should say to her. I don't want to be harsh but I do want to tell her the truth, you know?

[Relationship Coach]

B,

 

You are very smart, I've read your posts before and you are a good friend to have but sometimes you have to be a little harsh to get them to understand. When you don't tell her what she wants to hear she resists any other solution but hers. You need to tell her that this whole ordeal is not worth losing who she is. You want her to be strong and move forward. She is your friend and you yourself are in a similar situation right? What has she told you to do?

 

RC

[Boricua7]

Yes we are in similar situations having both broken up with what we consider the loves of our lives. We both have been slowly healing for a couple of months now and are both trying to remain friends with our exes because we do still care about them.

 

My ex and I talk just about every single day so I guess it's different for me because she and her ex have more limited contact. You would think that this would be better but I think it's messing with her head. When my ex IMs me I don't think "Oh does he miss me?" but this is something that runs through her mind when her ex contacts her. I guess because since my ex and I talk all of the time it's more casual. When she and her ex talk for her it seems that something must've provoked him contacting her and then see digs way too deep into things. Or when she contacts him it's usually out of emotion. You know, she's thinking about him so much that all she wants to do is talk to him.

 

Whenever I miss my ex or feel down she always just tells me that if it's meant to be it will be, that I just need to keep on moving forward and that things will fall into place the way they are supposed to. She tells me that I need to make sure to be happy with myself and by myself and everything else will be just fine once I am. Once she read me the letter to the first Corinthians: "Love is patient, love is kind..." and it made me feel better. She says things that allow me to hope for something better but not to dwell on me ex. Maybe things will be better with my ex, maybe they will be better without him, but she reminds me that no matter what that things WILL be better.

 

The more I think about it, the more I wish I was a better friend. I honestly have no idea what to say to her. I wish I had a magic wand that took all of her pain away. I just want to be able to give her words of wisdom, like she's given me, and make her feel better about how things are.

 

Maybe when I talk to her I should focus more on her feeling better as opposed to her ex and the situation she's in because of it?

[Relationship Coach]

See B you're on top of things, nothing in life is scripted to a T. Just be her friend and protect her from herself. You've come along way, I know your story. Glad you're here.

 

RC