he's not ready for me?

[crushed2285]

Me and ex-bf took a "break" from Dec-Feb and then he actually broke up with me the middle of February. We fell hard and fast for each other (we said I love you after 3 months). We were so in love and it was my first relationship, but not his. We were both 20, now 21. I was very insecure and always thought he would leave me for someone better. I cried to him alot about it and was just very clingy and needy in the relationship. This lack of trust (as he saw it, I never thought he would do me wrong, and he never had, I just was so unsure of myself) frusterated him to no end and our relationship started to deteriorate, the more distant he became, the clingier i got. the push pull thing i guess. We were together for a little less than a year and have been completely broken up for two months now. He had been avoiding hanging out with me (which is hard, cuz I live with his best friend, and he lives with my good friend and we all live in the same apt complex!) for these two months but recently we have hung out the past week or so (not alone but all our mutual friends together) and he began being very flirty with me and we have been kissing on the lips again and he has been calling me baby. He has admitted that he still has feelings for me that are not going to go away but does not want to act on them right now. Last night we were at a friends house and it ended up being just me and him outside and he grabbed me and pulled me tight and we just held each other for a long time (we have been doing this quite a bit lately). He was about to kiss me on the lips then kissed me on my cheek, squeezed me really tight and said "I don't want to lead you on baby." He was like "I can't be with you and I'm sorry." I asked why. He feels it has not been enough time and that he is not ready for "this" (our relationship/the seriousness of it). He said a relationship is too taxing and draining and he doesn't have it in him right now. I know all these are just reasons and the bottom line is that he doesn't feel (for whatever reason) that he wants to work towards this. I told him so. He said nope, he just can't right now. I asked him how he felt about me. He said "I love you and i should shoot myself in the head for doing this." He starts crying and is like "I have so many conflicting feelings and I miss you and I love you but part of me just can't do it right now." He also mentioned that if we got back together he feels it would just go back to the way it was and nothing would be different. He says he hasn't been able to let go of the bad stuff that happened the last few months of our relationship. Basically stuff you guys say about being cautious about getting back together....We talked about how sometimes we just want to run to each other with a funny story or something and how only we get each other. He kept saying "You are making this so hard, please stop making it so hard, I can't look at you it hurts so much". So then we just sat down on the steps and he laid his head on my shoulder and we just caught up, he was tellin me a bunch of hard stuff that's been going on withhim lately, stuff that has been ongoing his whole life and is very difficult and stressful for him. He said "with all this stuff going on there is no way that I could be in a relationship and give it my all." He left the place and came back to give me a ride home(it was cold and raining and i don't have a car, we live in the same building) and as soon as we get in the car he runs his fingers thru my hair and interlocks his fingers with mine and holds my hand the whole way home. When we got out, we held each other and hugged and stuff for a long time and there was so much electricity it felt like and it was so intense we were digging into each other, he was squeezing me so tight i almost couldn't breathe. He then says "I want to ask you to stay with me so bad but I don't want to hurt you." I said yeah if we stayed together that night and it wouldn't mean anything (not emotionally, but as far as us committing to anything) then I would be hurt and so it was probably not a good idea, as much as I want to lay in your arms. He agreed and teared up again and sniffled and said " im so sorry i can't make you any promises baby." we hugged again for a really long time he kissed me on the cheek and the forehead and we said goodnight and I walked off crying my eyes out. I love this guy so much and I know he loves me. I can feel it, see it, hear it in the way his breath quickens when we touch, it's unreal how intense we are when we are together. There is absolutely no one else in the picture for either of us, I am way too hurt to even imagine dating ( I did the rebound thing right after we broke up and it was horrible) and he is not looking to be with anyone (he hasn't hooked up with anyone or dated anyone). He said (not just to me) he will not be giving himself to someone like that again for years to come. He is a very good guy with a great heart and is the one real, good, true person I have ever had enter my life. I don't want to lose him and he is not interested in severing contact. He would not use me for sex or string me along for ego benefits. It's only been two months and he is adamant about it not being enough time to grow, although he has also been clear that he doesn't want me to wait around for him, he wants me to go out and enjoy life. He has a very good head on his shoulders and have always held his advice in high regard. Initially last night I told him that we would just have to never speak again then because knowing that you can't be with me is just too hard and I couldn't do it. But I will see him pretty much everyday regardless and I know for certain that I want him in my life. I said that I wanted to still see him and he was like "oh you will, believe me" I am going to stay in his life because I know you all say no contact but I am not throwing this guy out of my life. I can't he means way too much to me. I guess I am just looking for an assessment of the situtation or any advice yall have?? I still feel like it's not really over and we have way too strong of a bond and that with time maybe we can make our friendship more (we were really good friends before we even became lovers). He gets me more than anyone else and he constantly says he feels the same about me. Anyone got any ideas of what's going on or how I should go about handling this? Is there hope for us?? I would certainly like to think so....Thanks for anything yall have to say....I have been lurking here since December and it has helped tremendously!! I may have still been pleading if I hadn't found this place!

[zpivat]

1. Never give up and never ever sever your relation with him. No matter how it turns out in the end, at least keep the friendship. I've seen SO MANY lost friendships because of this exact same thing (you know....bestfriends turn to lovers, lovers breakup, friendship lost....boah) it sickens me to death. To me, people who throw away the friendship over something like this isn't worth being together with in the first place. Sure it may be awkward at first, but seriously....as time goes by, it will be ok. Just make sure both of you have healed first, and then start again the friendship.

 

2. Don't cling and don't show how sad you are. Save all that for your pillow, but in front of him, show that you are mature and are willing to be patient and wait for him. Just be calm and pleasant, and you won't believe how well it'll work. Make sure you keep in touch, but do it "just right".....(i.e: not too often and not too seldom either)

 

3. The push and pull thing that happened....that's really evil, I know.....so break it! Instead of trying to push him to get back with you, just stand still and see what happens. I've been where you are and I know it's VERY hard not to push him to be with you.......but you know, unfortunately there's no other way to stop him from pulling, unless you stop pushing.

 

4. Be strong be strong......we're all with you......keep posting.

[bobo85]

You both are quite young...early 20's. Its normal for both of you to go out and explore other option, to see what else is out there before you guys truly settle down with one person. I know how your feeling. If you have only met him like 5 or 6 years later you guys would probably get married. I know how that feels cuz thats my ex-gf broke up w/ me like that after 3 years of being together. She's 19 and she just doesn't want to be tied down right now. I have to respect that and i have to see what else is out there too. If we were truly meant to be together...then it WILL BE.

 

But i think that him showing affection towards you when he doesn't want a relationship right now is wrong of him. I know it feels good when you guys touch and kiss, but you have to realize that its just a quick fix. You have to have self control and tell him that if he wants your body...he has to be able to commit to the body, mind and soul aka a relationship. If he can't then you have to do NC or else its gonna take you forever. I know you guys live near each other but do the best you can.

 

You guys can be friends....but not right now. Not when you still have feelings for you. Take this time to work on yourself and move on.

[lvlyldy]

hey,

 

I have a similar type of situation with my current exbf. We met the first week of school when we were freshman and became instant best friends. A couple of months later we started dating, and now almost a year and a half later we broke up. Its been six weeks now, but everything you described sounds so similar to us. We spent way too much time together, I was clingy and needy and didnt trust other girls around him. In the end we made no other friends, and saw eachother all day everyday (we share a class that meets everyday, and we live in the same dorm). Over the past 6 months a lot has happened to us both. He started having some academic problems (this is new for him, last semester he was on the dean's list for straight A's) and self-worth issues. I had been sick for about 6 months, and thro all that time he was there for me. I guess finally all of it just got to him, and he decided that he needed to be more independent and find himself. These past few weeks have been incredibly hard and Im trying my best to change. Ive gone out a lot more, talk to friends more, meet new people and I honestly feel like im changing. That said and done, 2 weeks ago I tried talking to him about maybe getting back together. Just like you, he started holding me, and he was kissing my face, and a lot of tension (the good kind) between us. eventually he broke down and admitted to still loving me, and still caring about me and missing me. He just felt that not enough time had passed and that he really didnt want to fall into the same trap. Also, he was upset about how upset I was when we first broke up, and worried that because he wasnt sure it could work it wouldnt. Unlike ure situation, my ex tends to ward me off by being quite mean because I keep going to him. After admitting to caring about me and being very tempted to get back together, he got angry and left saying there is no change whatsoever that we can work it out. He's been doing this I miss you-I dont want to be with you stuff from awhile now. He isnt seeing anyone, and neither am I, and honestly I wish I could be as strong as you. Im very glad limited contact was working for you, but maybe you should really take at least a week or two of no contact. I tried the limited contact thing with my ex for the past two weeks, and I cant help myself from asking him to hang out with me, which according to him is me still not letting him cool down, and me pushing him to change. I think im going to try a period of no contact (or as close as i can get to it with him right down the hall) for awhile and see how that goes. I think your boyfriend like mine has a lot of issues to sort through and its understandable after being so close for so long that maybe he just needs some time and space to cool down and realize how wonderful you really are to him. You dont need to totally forget about him, but maybe just try it for a week or two and that might drive him to realize that even though you obviously still care about him, he cant play games with you. Either you're worth it to him, or you're not and if he really cares about you as much as he says (which i believe he does) then with time, Im sure itll work out. Just one question, you said that you finally got him to start hanging out with you after two months of breaking up, what did you do during that time? did you talk to him? not talk to him?

 

Goodluck, and I hope you update on what happens

[crushed2285]

Just one question, you said that you finally got him to start hanging out with you after two months of breaking up, what did you do during that time? did you talk to him? not talk to him?

 

Goodluck, and I hope you update on what happens

 

 

um during those two months i saw him around the apartment complex and stuff but we did not hang out at all and if we saw each other it was quick and we were nice to each other. then i ended my rebound, realized how much i wanted him in my life and contacted him and told him that i wish we didn't have to be completely out of each other's lives.

[crushed2285]

ok so i just instant messaged him and told him that i hope we can stay in touch and be friends and he wrote back "i'm sure we can sometime" and i said well I if i'm around (we have mutual friends) like last night i don't want it to be weird" and he goes "it won't be as long as you aren't just "around" frequently." He goes hot and cold sooo much, he was just telling me how much he misses me and cares about me and how it hurts so much and that he loves me and now he is back to "yeah maybe we can be friends sometime and i need my space." He is so confusing cuz i saw how much he cares he was sooo distraught and that is very unlike him. Then the next day after showing emotion he becomes distant again and builds up his wall. I am so hurt I wish he would realize that our love is worth it....

[lvlyldy]

awww..

 

exactly what I meant about him being "mean". He just cant make up his mind and in the process is driving me nuts. Ive talked to a bunch of people about this and what they've told me is basically this: My ex isnt the person I loved right now. Because of all these issues, all these things on his mind he cant see me without in some way blaming me for what happened. Basically, this is a "normal" guy way of handling problems, ignore it and blame everyone and everything except yourself. Ive been told the best thing to do is just give him COMPLETE space so that he can in no way blame me anymore and he can start to realize that HE has issues with HIMSELF that he needs to work out and that I am not the problem and that I only loved and care for him.

 

dont keep hurting yourself. Im kind of confused myself about how to feel about this too. I decided either 1) hes beyond repair, and he wont come around any time soon to working this out, or even any time in the future so i should just start trying to move on, or 2) give him time and space, he knows how much I care, I make it evident everyday and let him realize what a dork he's being so he can come around. Take a stand and show him that you can really be okay without you. Be the person you were when you first met him, fun, exciting and independent and with time, if it really was meant to be it'll work out. He needs to really feel happy with himself before he can make you happy, no matter how much he wants to be with you.

[crushed2285]

i have talked to his best friend about it and he is just like "he is avoiding you to not have to deal with the pain of it all and he doesn't know what the hell he wants."

 

I just really felt like we were making some progress by hanging out in groups again and partying and i wasn't even the one who brought up the relationship last night!! I was just hanging out having fun till he was like "I don't want to lead you on." Then it just got way emotional from there and it seemed like everything we had been feeling the past two months had come out. He finally let his guard down and now its back up....you could tell he was so happy to have me to lean on last night and now it's back to the stone cold act.

[lvlyldy]

yea, i know what you mean. He said some really mean things to me last night when i went to see how he was like how there was still "Bad blood" between us, and that he was happy in general, but when im around i bring out bad feelings. Just now I went out to make some food and ran into him and he waited for me and asked if I was okaylike everything was just fine between us. ARgg... boys

 

I guess time will tell? We just have to hang in there.

[crushed2285]

i am sooo sad and angry right now....he made me feel so good for a few days with his affection and now i am more confused than ever....

[bobo85]

you can't be friends with him. Think with your mind and not your heart. Your heart says to stay close to him because he MIGHT change his mind, but this may never happen. The best thing you can do is move on and if he does come around then great...but if he doesnt then you have moved on. Its a win win situation.

 

visit this thread:

 

[crushed2285]

yes i have read the perfect plan thread, i have read tons of great advice here. complete nc is not possible as we have too many of the same friends and the living situation is very close. before these past few days of contact has been limited to "hey" and a quick smile for the most part. I really thought things were changing when he was flirting with me and kissing me again. I really don't want him completely out of my life. He was my best friend before we were together and I don't want to lose the one person who I have connected with more than anyone (even before we were together I have always felt this). That cold distant look is back in his face when just yesterday he looked at me with such love and caring in his eyes and held my hand. This is so painful. All my friends are saying he is scared of committment of where this would be headed in the future. I really don't know what in the hell to think.

 

edit: i just saw him and he called me babe and was cool with me. nothing weird.

[crushed2285]

part of me really wishes i would have stayed the night with him....even though i know i would be hurting worse in the morning... i'm glad he had enough respect for me not to have sex with me. cuz i know i would have given in, especially cuz i've gone so long without it lol

[crushed2285]

thanks to everyone who has written so far....any more advice or anything to add would be greatly appreciated!

 

 

I am really hung up on this guy but he is so worth it. Is two months really too soon? I feel like I have changed quite a bit but he still insists that he is pretty sure things would fall back to the way they used to be. I'm not sure.

 

ps-sorry if i am being annoying by posting over and over, I just have so many thoughts and no where to put them...especially don't wanna throw all these thoughts at him!! did that for a long while and it was not pretty!

[Big Jim]

Both Crushed and lvlydaly

Trust me on this, go NC for sure. If you read my posts under the two threads, "is there a chance?" by texasman, and "about to end all the nonsense" by me, you will see i am in an identical situation except i am the guy and my girl broke up with me. I know how much it hurts, believe me, but i have made things that much worse for myself over the last 5 months by being there for her etc. She is young 20, im 22, and we are both growing up. She is very troubled mentally right now, body image, no self confidence, depressed, etc. For the last 6 months we were together, these were things we would work on together, however as she got worse, and tried to change things in her life (ie job, friends etc), and saw no change in her happiness, well eventually i was to blame for everything. She pretty much turned on me. I have to get some sleep right now, but i have some advice i will post tomorrow. take care

[crushed2285]

anyone else i am feeling lower than i have felt in a long time today

[lvlyldy]

you're not alone, since friday Ive been a complete mess- crying, refusing to leave my room, and just being absolutely miserable in general. This is SO hard, and I dont know how long I can take it

[lvlyldy]

You know, I was thinking about what Big Jim said, and it really makes me angry that my ex could be blaming me for all his problems right now, which I honestly have been feeling is the case. I loved my boyfriend with all my heart, and although he was always shy and less outgoing, I was ALWAYS there for him. Everytime something came along that I knew might interest him Id let him know. I went with him to a club meeting once just to make sure he'd go because he was afraid to by himself even tho he was very interested in the club. When he started to have academic problems, I was there to sit with him and talk it through. I know these academic issues are a huge thing from him, because he has never had ANY problems with school before. On top of that I dont think he has told his parents, and if he has recently Im sure they're not very happy wtih him. Not doing well last semester prevented him from getting into a highly competitive business major on campus, and now he has serious self-worth/image issues. He told me after we broke up once that he feels he cant make friends, that he forgot how and is in general a huge loser. Why cant he see that I love him all the same, and all I want to do is be there as a shoulder for him to cry on? I dont care what he looks like, or how he's doing in school (in a way to make me like him less). no one knows him as well as I do, he doesnt open up to anyone the way he used to with me, and I know he wants to make all these big changes and that he needs to do it on his own, but why does he have not just push me away but blame ME for his problems?

[Big Jim]

You guys have to give up. I dont mean you stop loving them today, but you have to give up on them. Trust me, i had five months of all the same stuff you guys are going through. THe kissing, hanging out, calling all teh time, only to change to cold distant the next day, then back again. I honestly was going crazy annalzing everything and second guessing my every move ( maybe if i did this, or didnt do that, she would make up her mind). None of it works. You cannot change his mind. Walk away. I know that is what you really dont want to hear, i know. However, you must for your own sake. He isnt sure about you, so let him have life without you. Do not give him his cake and let him eat it too. It is not fair that when he is in a loving mood he wants you near, only to change the next day. Trust me, walk away. Read my old posts, see how much sh#t i was put through, all the while her telling me how much she loves me etc. Even when i look at my old posts, i am like what was i thinking. I feel better and better all the time, once you give up trying to control a situation you have no control over, you feel like you again. I miss her more then anything, love her with all my heart, but what can i do?

[crushed2285]

i just feel like i can't throw in the towel when there is still a possibility. i am stupid i think. he obviously doesn't want this anymore, so why am i still pining over something that hasn't been good since last summer?? i think i am messed up in the head. or maybe he is

[Big Jim]

lvlyldy

i feel you, i was there for her for the last 9 months (her problems started before we broke up), she would call me in the middle of the night with big issues bothering her, would call me to meet her and i would skip all my classes. I even skipped a championship party for the rugby team i play for, because she was having a bad night. I knew i should have cut her once we broke up, but i felt i was helping her. And i did. However as much as i helped and she would tell me im the best thing to happen etc, the next time she was in a bad mood, i all of a sudden became the reason for her misery. I was so hurt that one day i was her "rock" and the next she could actually blame me for everything. It is not fair. She doenst realize that if shes not happy with herself , she never will be with anyone. I am sure that is why she dumped me, she needed a scapegoat, someone to blame, as opposed to looking in the mirror. Love bites

[Big Jim]

believe me crush, i know how you feel

i was the same way, a little hope was there that i would never let go of. However after being hurt so many times, i realized there is nothing i can do, so i gave up. You will get there, it is just up to you weather you do it sooner or later. Both have benefits, one saves you a lot of hurt, but hte other gave me peace of mind that i did everything i could, i tried.

[crushed2285]

BigJim, did your ex give you hope, telling you that you needed more time?

[lvlyldy]

My ex at least realizes that he cant make anyone, let alone me happy unless he is happy with himself (this he told me himself when we first broke up). He has never had as serious mood swings as your ex, except for once two weeks ago when I asked if we could "talk". He really seems steadfast about what he is doing, and I wholeheartedly agree that he needs to take care of himself and get back on track. We really did lose ourselves in eachother, and everyday I try so hard to get out there and put my own life back together. I just always feel at the end of the day no matter how much Ive done, I still lost something very important that I want in my life. When I see him in passing, he seems friendly but has told me on more than one occasion that I just need to give him "time to cool off". I really dont know why we broke up, I think partially his own problems, partially he's afraid of commitment (he always told me he wishes we had met 5 years down the road), partially he wanted to get out of the huge rut we were in ( spending 24/7 with eachother without pursuing our own interests). All these things are valid, and I know we can work thro them. For him it has to be apart and I respect that, I just want to be able to leave a chance open to maybe try again in the future. Is this wrong? or even possible?

[crushed2285]

see, i think i am the opposite of you guys. i am the one who is not happy with myself and my ex knows it.