Fiance doesn't get along with friends now i'm in the middle.

[kutsby13]

Ok, i'll try to make sense of this, yet keep it as short as possible. first, some background. I'm a 27 y/o male, and my fiance is a 21 y/o female. we've been seeing each other for over a year and a half now. we've been engaged for 3 months now. i am very much in love with her, and i feel we're going to have a great marriage. Oh, she also has a 3 year old son from a prior relationship. here's my problem. basically, during our entire relationship, my fiance hasn't been able to get along with my friends. i really like my friends. all of them are married, none with children yet. they all have jobs, and for the most part, are all successful. i consider myself successful, having a college degree, a job for 10 years now, a house of my own, along with a couple cars. my fiance doesn't have a college degree, nor a real super job. she feels that when we're around my friends, she doesn't fit in. she doesn't talk to them much, she pretty much just hangs by my side when we're with them. that's fine and all, but a lot of times, my friend's wives will head upstairs to make drinks or something, and the guys will hang out together for a while. well, my fiance still is by my side. so, it's the guys, and her. at public get togethers, the guys will kinda huddle with each other, and the girls will kinda huddle with each other, and her and i just wind up standing together outside of the huddles. i had a party a while back, and i tried to make rounds, and mingle with everyone, and my fiance took it as "not wanting to be with her", and "leaving her all alone". she asks me every time we go out with my friends, not to "leave her all alone". i just would like her to get along (and talk, and hang out) with my friends, just like everyone else's wife does. i know how uncomfortable she gets around my friends, and lately, when my friends throw a party, or a get together, i've just been avoiding the entire situation by not going. my friends really want to see me, and from what i see, they make the effort to try and get to know my fiance, but it just appears that she's not making the same effort back. she just keeps saying "i dont fit in". my friends are not the judgemental kind at all. they could care less where she works, what education she has/doesn't have, etc... since we haven't been to many of the gatherings lately, my friends have now started questioning me, wondering why they can't see me, and such. i just wish i could snap my fingers, and have my fiance fit in with everyone, and have a good time and such. i try to get her to have a drink or two, and just mellow out a bit, but she's always so tense around everybody. so who's to blame here? my fiance, or my friends? i can see both sides, but i really wish my fiance would put forth more effort. she doesn't have any problems getting along with my family, just my friends. if she put forth the effort that she does with my family, i don't think we'd have any problems. i think that she just feels very insecure about herself. one more thing that she thinks may be a problem, is that she has a son, and no one else does. another reason to her that "she doesn't fit in". i try to bring this topic up with her (her and my friends), but it just turns into a fight, with her saying that she doesn't fit in with my friends, and that she's tried to get to know them, and she just needs more time. we've been dating now for over a year and a half, with plenty of opportunities for her to get to know them. does anyone have any suggestions? please help. i have no intentions whatsoever of even thinking about leaving, i just want this situation resolved (at least partially, if not completely). thank you in advance for your suggestions. sorry it got so long.

[Aura Seeker]

Sounds like control issues. I have run into this myself. Pretty soon it will be your family.

 

Do not let her interfere with the people that love you in your life. If she doesn't want to go and try to get along, leave her at home. The choice is hers. You are setting the stage for your life right now, and just make it clear that it isn't going to be a choice between her and your friends.

 

You can have both. She will just have to deal with that.

 

Just my opinion.

 

A

[sayer7]

A year and half hm...

 

It honestly doesn't sound like she's trying to fit in, mingle, or get to know your friends. To me, I see her 'not trying' and 'clinging' to your hip as a symptom of fear and maybe a bit of immaturity. If I were 21, a single mom of a 3 year old, and in a group of highly educated, professionally successful married couples with no kids.... I would feel alittle intimidated and out of place also. Maybe she feels if your friends got to know her they wouldn't like her or would look down on her because of her life choices.

 

Maybe you need to get down to the base of what her fears are exactly... and once you do that, try to figure out a way to make her feel more comfortable and less fearful of hanging out with your friends even when you're not around.

 

She needs to agree to TRY to overcome her fears and be more assertive around your friends. She's only scared because she hasn't taken enough time to actually TRY to get to know them. Often, the more familiar things get, the less scary they get. She just needs to stretch her neck out a little more and be brave enough to test the waters on her own- not rely on you for fitting in.

 

Hope this helps....

[kutsby13]

Sayer7, the first thing i will do, is try to calmly talk to her, and try not to get into an argument over this subject. what you're saying makes sense to me. i will tell her what i think (what you suggested), and see how she feels with it. my first guess as to try to make her feel more comfortable, is giving her ideas of things that she might have in common with my friends. she's said before, "i don't have anything in common with your friends". we're getting married, and most of my friends are married, so right there is an endless subject for women to discuss about: the wedding. another thing that she would have in common with them, is me. heck i don't care if she get's to know my friends, and becomes more comfortable with my friends at my expense. bring up stories about me, embarrassing or not. are these all good starts? or am i headed the completely wrong direction?? i will first of all though, talk to her about the situation. i'll tell her i understand if she feels intimidated, or frightened to get to know my friends, because of what they might think. i know my friends don't care a thing about what she has done, or what she hasn't done, just as long as she makes me happy. that i know for a fact. please advise again if this sounds like an OK plan or not. thanks a bunch.

[AXYSSALLY]

OK, there are a few things here. First of all, it sounds like your fiance has not made great choices in her life. You say your friends are great and successful blah blah...do you project an attitude that she is a sort of failure compared to them? Im not saying you do, its just that she may get the feeling that maybe you are comparing her to them. Also, she is 21 years old. Lets face it, at 21 you dont usually have a lot of experience and are not usually very mature. Do the friends wives make an effort to include her or do they all just take off with out asking if she would like to go with them? Women have a tendency to be catty and they sometimes put out an aura or dislike to other females that men dont always pick up on. Maybe your fiance just really doesnt fit in. Thats ok. You do not have to be attached at the hip first off. I know you would like to do this stuff with her but sometimes you may just need to do it yourself. It is not always needed for her to fit in. I do not fit in with some of my husbands friends at all. I wouldnt want to. I have a great many reasons to severely dislike them. My husband knows this and he does not push for us to do things with them. He sees them when he wants and i encourage him to go. When we do things together with other couples we go with people that we can both identify with more. Dont push her to get along with these people. Unless she is unreasonably hostile to them it really shouldnt be a huge deal. She may feel inferior to them. And Im sure you worry about what they think about her but trully that shouldnt matter to you. It is no ones business and if they asked you if she disliked them you can just say no, she is just a shy person.Heres another thing: your 6 years older than her. Maybe she needs people her own age to hang out with. that is a significant age gap