is it possible to change someone?

[SaRaHmArIe8588]

Hey everyone. In my last post i posted about my boyfriend of almost a year and his anger problems. I finally got up the guts to tell him that if he doesnt get professional help(or if he thinks he can do it himself) then i will leave him. Growing up, i had to deal with my father's temper so i wont put myself through it having to deal with my partner's.

 

Lately though..i feel that i am only fooling myself if i think i am going to change him. I mean, is it possible for someone to change? His friends have told me that before he started working at his job(about 5 years ago) he was never as angry as he is now.So, he hasnt always had this problem but he has had it for 5 years which makes me wonder if its possible to get him help.

 

What do you all think?

[itsallgrand]

You can't change someone. End of story.

 

I do believe people can and do change, but it by their own effort. No one else has anything to do with it.

 

Love him as he is or leave. Sorry to be so blunt, but life is too short. It's a hard lesson to learn - to take people as they are - but it saves so much agony and wasted time.

 

good luck.

[SilverCloud]

NO YOU CANT!!!

 

People change themselves based on experiences but others cant change them.

[Mysterious Gurl]

Hey there,

 

I agree with the other posters. You can't change someone, the change has to come from inside them if they truly want to change.

 

However, as 'itsallgrand' said, you either love him or leave him. I would say if you left him, stay with him as a friend and be supportive. It's good that you don't want to deal with other peoples tempers.

 

Good luck,

 

Miya xx

[jchan]

change takes time. and you can't force a person to change. (um well except for that ultimatum) but aside from that you have to let the person runs his/her own course. you can be supportive and that's pretty much about it.

 

Kudos on your half though.

[Cassie]

Too often we get wrapped up in the fantasy that we can try to change a person into our ideal mate. I read once that when someone begins to show us who they really are, we must believe them. From that point we can decide whether or not this person is compatible for us. I do believe you are being wise by recognizing there is a problem with your bf's temper. However, it is up to him to take action because he desires to, and not because he merely feels he is being forced to.

 

You've set your boundaries. Stick with them. How did he react when you offered him your ultimatum?

[theantibarbie23]

People have to want to change in order for change to occur. We can not force change on anyone, no matter how much we might wish we could.

[Shadows Light]

Nope. You'll never change him. He needs to do that if he wants to himself. He should seek ANGER MANAGEMENT. The issue though.. until he see's it, admits it.. he's not gonna want to change. Its how he's learned to cope. Its working for him. As long as it works for him... why would he change????

 

NO ONE can change anyone else. Give it up.

[Momene]

I think you can change but not 180 degrees. 15-20 maybe. Can he change jobs because his anger seems related to his employment?

 

If you can't cope with some level of anger from him, you'll have to let him go.

[SaRaHmArIe8588]

OK. Alot of people were telling me to give up and that i cant change him. but im not the one trying to change him. He is working on trying to stay calm and im trying to get him to seek professional help. When i bring it up he says he knows he has a problem and will get help. But then kinda shrugs it off. I know he is not happy with how he acts...so why hasnt he gotten him self help?

[itsallgrand]

He's just not ready to, for whatever reasons.

 

Go by his actions, not his words. Only you know how long you are willing to wait around for him to change. He may never do it.

[Shadows Light]

He has not gone to seek counseling or to get help because what he's doing works for him. Take a look at link removed website that talks about people who are angry. Lots of good articles for you about the subject.