I suck at breaking up......

[Meeky]

Am feeling really low today. My boyfriend of two years and I have been broken up for two weeks. But we keep clinging to each other. I broke up with him, not because I wanted to, but because it was the only solution, as I couldn't live with his behaviour.

 

Last week Tuesday I sent him an email saying that it was probably better for our sanity and for the healing process if we don't have anymore contact. The next day he sent texts, saying how much he misses me, saying so many sweet things. I couldn't handle it. So I gave in, and texted him back. He then called me on the Thursday, and turned up on my doorstep on Friday.

 

I KNOW I was totally stupid, but I let him stay the night with me. We did NOT sleep together (not for lack of trying on his part!) because I told him we sleep together when we are in a relationship, not outside of it. We talked for hours and hours on end about us and the mistakes we had made, and what we both had to do to make things work. But he still isn't saying I WILL CHANGE. Just says he misses me, loves me, wants to be with me, but isn't sure HOW to change himself. Says he doesn't know what he wants. Well, in my book that means you don't want me. We talked about options, like maybe going back to dating for awhile, but what good would that do???? For me, it basically boils down to HIM needing to make some effort. I want him to show me that I am the most important person in my life, and that he wants to be with me, and will do whatever it takes. And that he IS willing to change.

 

But deep down it won't happen. He is too lazy, too laid back, too set in his ways.

 

The problem is, I am having such trouble letting go. I wish I could get angry with him, instead of just feeling sad all the time. He needs to grow up and change, and of course, I can't make him do that. He has to WANT to. He says he loves me, misses me, hates us being apart etc etc etc, but never says he is willing to look at himself and do some soul searching. I guess I am living in hope, and that sucks. I want to get past this. Want to get past hurting, hoping, wishing. So I am trying to focus on the stuff I don't like about him. About how much he has hurt me in the past. So why do I still feel so upset and long for him?

 

So, today is Day 1 of NC. I know I have to do this. But I don't want to (which I suppose is what is making it harder). But I am holding on to him, holding on to the hope, and that isn't helping me. I need to follow through this time. I need to NOT give in and contact him or see him. But HOW??????? How do I get strong????? This time I have ASKED him to help me. I know that probably shows to him that I am weak, but he has agreed to give me space and not contact me either.

 

It just feels like a HUGE task, especially being Day 1. I have two more weeks in the same city as him, and I can't imagine going two weeks without speaking/texting etc, let alone longer.

 

Help.

[tyler711]

You are doing everything right. You don't have to abandon all hope of salvaging your relationship just yet. No contact is the best thing to do, because if you pop in and out of his life it makes him think he doesn't have to change because you are still clinging on to him. Show him what it's like without you, and if anything will make him change, this will. It will give him time to think clearly, and the reality of you being gone will sink in. If after all this he still won't change, then you're better off apart anyway. Good luck!

[Hope75]

Hi Meeky,

 

This is the guy who has cheated on you several times and then told you that he is unwilling to change and make the effort- you are right- him saying he doesn't know what he wants boils down to the same thing as him telling you that you are not important enough to him to be faithful and to treat you the way you deserve- with love and respect.

 

Write down a list of all the times he's lied to you, cheated on you, hurt you and made you cry. Every time you are tempted to respond to him or contact him yourself- read your list.

 

Remember how easy words are to say (i.e. him saying he loves you and wants to be with you) but actions show where his real intentions lie- they are harder to fake.

 

This guy has not treated you like a loving and respectful partner would- no matter what he is telling you.

 

You know in your heart and head that you are doing the right thing.

 

Keep up the good work and we all are here for you whenever you need to vent.

[Meeky]

He did not cheat on me. At least as far as I know and as far as he says. His behaviour is just inappropriate in my eyes, others may find it okay. I find having dinner in your hotel room with another woman inappropriate. I find it inappropriate to have flirty relationships with other women. I find it inappropriate not to tell your partner when you have gotten another womans phone number. These things are my principles. He does not hold the same principles. He is someone who has a LOT of friends that are girls. He sees nothing wrong with his behaviour and says they are just friends. That may be so, but the way he handles them insinuates something different. He just can't be open and honest with me about them. And I can't handle that.

 

I know we couldn't have gone on the way we were going. And that something had to happen. But I am just so upset right now, and I want him back so bad. It just feels as if everything would be okay if we were back together again. That that is the easier option. This is too hard. I miss him too much.

 

I wish he had cheated. Then at least I could hate him.

[Hope75]

You know, all of those dishonest things he does (and he lied to you about them too, didn't he?) makes me not trust that he hasn't cheated on you.

 

First, he had a girlfriend when you got together with him and he kept her for TWO MONTHS along with you before leaving her- a history of cheating right off the bat.

 

(seen here in this thread: )

 

 

And here is your other thread from before:

 

 

 

He went with his ex out to dinner and laid in bed with her and "watched a DVD", all while you were together. Do you honestly think nothing happened? ("watching a DVD" was my code phrase for having sex with my bf years ago when I had room mates..we were in bed together- what do you think we were doing- really watching the dvd??)

 

He also tells other women that he loves them via text message, much the same as he did with you,

 

He spent the weekend sleeping in the SAME BED with a girl whom he was telling he loved her. Do you really think he never touched her while in bed with her, knowing his history of cheating?

 

And don't forget the email he got from a girl whom he was telling her he loved her who told him they should "close the door on their relationship".

 

Meeky, I just do not believe he never cheated, and I don't see how you can believe he didn't cheat.

 

People who love and respect their parnters just do NOT do ANY of those things with OTHER WOMEN.