Friend vs Boyfriend

[Phoenix69]

Hey Everyone,

 

I have been with the enotalone forum ever since my break up from my boyfriend of two years. I found it really helped me get through it because I was not alone (surprise surprise)

 

It has been three weeks since my bf and I split, and in the last week, we have begun rekindling the spark of our relationship. Ex's are ex's for a reason, now I know this and have more than once used it as a piece of advice for others. However S (no names here ) and I are just taking things slowly. We lived together from the first date and haven't been apart in two years. I lost my personality and I lost most of my friends because I would've rather stayed at home with the BF. They were still around, but visits were far and few between and I very rarely went to see them.

 

When we split, my friends returned. Helped me through the pain, found me somewhere to live and generally were my friends again. Wanted to do stuff with me, hang out, watch movies, chill. The usual.

 

Now that S and I are speaking and kind of seeing each other one of my friends has given me the ultimatum of its him or me. This is not uncommon for her to pull emotional blackmail when I am doing something she disagrees with. I am the only one of her friends she does this with. With everyone else she just keeps it inside, I am the only one who she voices her disappointment on and when she is angry, I cop it. The thing that upsets me is she is the one who helped me the most when we broke up. She found me my house and she was my comfort and support for that time.

 

Both of my close friends have said I shouldn't get back with him, and that they do not agree with my decision to try again. One of them has said that although she doesn't agree with my plans, she won't stop being my mate. But as previously stated the other one has taken a much harder line of defence.

 

My question is this. What do I do? Should I make the decision between my friends and my ex, or do I continue to do what I want to do and hope that with time they will both come around? Or just not do anything?

 

I Love S very much and as I have said we were together for two years (Living together for that entire time) we have had our fair share of problems which eventually led us to the break up, we have since discussed these issues and are both willing to put in the time and effort to get us back on track and work them out. My friends believe that he will NOT change.

 

HELP!! I do not want to be just someone's girlfriend. I wish to keep my friends as well as my BF, but cannot see a way of doing this without hurting someone.

 

 

[markm]

Hmmm.....selfish friends.

I'm sure they are doing what they think is best for you.

But, to say they'll stop being your friend is BS.

I have a few friends that kept going back to the wrong girl, and when they were with them we didn't hang out much at all.

Well, that's what happeneds when friends are in relationships. Their focus is on their girl/boyfriend. That is normal.

Anyhow, your friends are being pretty selfish.

 

btw....do your friends have boyfriends of their own?

[Phoenix69]

MARKM

 

Thank you for your words, I'm glad that I'm not the only person that thinks what they are doing is selfish. I know that I am being a little selfish, after all they did help me through the hard bit when S wasn't around, but wouldn't they want me to be happy?

 

Yes they do have boyfriends of their own, but they have not had them as long as I have been with S. However, they both have had more boyfriends than I have, and I guess they find it easier to just move on and find another one, where as with me, I tend to stick it out with the same person till the bitter end. I don't move onto new people very easily because I have issues with trusting guys I don't know. (Due to an incident when I was a young Teen)

[goldylocks]

i think your friends care about you an awful lot and are only looking out for you because they don't want to see you get hurt again.

[NJRon]

Your friend that is copping an attitude is trying to have you to herself. She will be there for you when you have problems again in order to get you to herself again.. and since you chose "him" again.. she is pissed.

 

Your other friend sounds genuinely concerned. That's a good friend.

[Phoenix69]

I fully understand that. And believe me, I don't want to get hurt again either cause its sux. But at the same time, is it really necessary to use your friendship as a leverage to get your mate to do what you want them to do? Wouldn't it be more "friend-like" to say something along the lines of "Hey, I fully don't think you are doing the right thing, I think you are making a huge mistake, but you need to learn that for yourself. And as your friend I will support you in whatever you choose to do" ?

That's the advice I would (and have) given to them when one of them (The one who is still speaking to me) when she was going through the same thing.

[NJRon]

And as an aside... your friend are right. he will NOT change. Too many women get into a relationship expecting there men to change. They don't.

 

Women want men to change, and they don't. Men want women to stay the same... and they don't!

 

Keep that in mind.

[NJRon]

It would be more friendlike.. she's not your frined. She's an emotional vampire (not to sound dramatic, but that's what she is).

[Phoenix69]

It's not that I want him to change at all. It is things that we BOTH need to work on individually as people. IE Communication with the other person, telling them whats really on your mind instead of what they might WANT to hear.

[VeganBohemian]

I know this is off topic....but how do two people live with each other after only one date??? Are you in college and room with him or something? Or in the saem apt building????

[Phoenix69]

We had been friends for a long time before we started dating. After meeting up with him again after a few year, we meet up at a 21st, and were not apart from then on. I stayed at his house every night for about a month, after that month we found a house to rent together.

Question answered?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Phoenix - as a girl who has girlfriends with whom I have been through this with, I'd just like to say, find a way to make it work with your friends. This doesn't mean giving into or taking their advice to the letter, but don't let them get away.

 

In my experience, and I hope yours is better, getting back together with an ex sometimes doesn't work because as NJRon said, no one changes so the same issues re-surface. This doesn't mean you shouldn't go for it, but don't let your friends go because they WILL be there if and when something goes amiss again.

 

Good luck on both counts.

 

-T