DROP HER or TELL HER I LIKE HER? be brutally honest.

[GUnit23]

Alright maybe a month ago I made a post about a girl I really like. Nothing has happened though. We have both been insanely busy, but then again.... if this was meant to happen, we could have made time, right? I have other girls in the picture who are much clearer.... so even though I really like this girl I just need to know how she feels before I waste the rest of my semester on this.

 

The fact that she is from India really complicates things... she came here for school, she hasn't been with any guys here, and she definitely puts a big value on studies... but she is beautiful and has an awesome personality too!

 

The state of our interaction these days is that I see her probably once a week at least... it is always cool when we see each other, nice vibe, we both really smile a lot and have a good time, but are always with other ppl too, or are working for a club that we're both part of. We see each other at parties, it's cool, I always compliment her, kiss her on the cheek, her reaction is always good.... and she calls me/emails me way more than I do to her.

 

Sometimes it feels like signals, but then it can be very confusing. Sometimes I wonder if she even knows how I feel about her, I feel like the games we are playing are incompatible... we are both dancing around something.

 

Tonight something happened that bothered me though. I was talking to her on AIM, just a funny convo, and I was like "hopefully I'll c u this weekend, we should chill soon." she replied saying that she's not sure because she has a big final on tuesday. Now... I have seen her say the same things to her best friends, so it could be partially legit, and tests are stressful..

 

BUT... if she was into me, she probably would make time, right? There are much busier girls who always want to see me, and I am into them too, so I am getting annoyed focusing on one girl that seems to be getting nowhere. I then said "hey, i'll call u, ur gonna need a study break" and she was like "yea sure, we'll c." * * *?

 

How would you interpret this? Either she is not interested in me that way, or she doesn't know how I feel about her? Keep in mind I laid the same game on her I do with American girls (the hot/cold, confusing * * * * which usually works) but with her I wonder if it's just come off as coy without my intentions showing. In India the guy always makes the first move and for a girl like this, dating is very rare (I am indian, born in the US).

 

SO. I feel like this has been playing out for a while. I'm not just gonna sit back anymore and let it be static. Next time I see her, should I just tell her in a nonscary, friendly way that I like her and would like to take her out?

 

Or should I stay friends with her and drop the relationship stuff...

 

I am getting impatient because there are other great girls in my life that I am restraining from for what could be no reason, and I don't want to burn bridges with anyone. That is also scaring me.... this girl is close to a few girls I like..... am I getting myself in a world of trouble? I figure this is college and I should go for it, I got one shot.... and summer is coming so maybe peoples' minds will get cleared.

 

but if i go for her and she rejects, will that give her friends a negative impression of me????

[nogame]

go for it. she digs you, and life's too short.

[Skippy]

you are going into a interacial relationship. so u are going to have to learn to understand the values of education in the asian society.

If she has a final in tuesday forget about seeing the weekend before the final. TO asians it is common sense. Study before ou play. Simple as that. You are going to have to respect that. Try shooting for the week end after the finals.

Research the internet about the indian culture. LEARN about the way the think, their customs. She will see that as attractive and you will open your mind to other experieces that the world has to offer.

[orgasmictofu]

you are going into a interacial relationship. so u are going to have to learn to understand the values of education in the asian society.

If she has a final in tuesday forget about seeing the weekend before the final. TO asians it is common sense. Study before ou play. Simple as that. You are going to have to respect that. Try shooting for the week end after the finals.

Research the internet about the indian culture. LEARN about the way the think, their customs. She will see that as attractive and you will open your mind to other experieces that the world has to offer.

 

Aren't you being a little presumptuous? Every single person is different.

 

I'm Polish, so does that make me an alcoholic who likes pierogi?

 

Instead of researching cultural norms, which is fine if you're traveling to that country and want to know how the locals shake hands, why don't you try to get to know the person personally?

 

Anyway, go for it. You never know what can happen unless you give it a shot.

[Skippy]

no i am not being to presumptuous. i have lived through out asian thoughout my life. I have absorbed myself in their society and i KNOW that this is their social norm. Study first and play later.

Other then that lets put it this way, She is from India 1 rupee is US$0.022, do yo have any idea how hard someone has to work to get enough money to study oversea.

Do you have any idea the investment her family has placed on her. and responsibility she has to the family? it cost about US$10,000 a year to study in the US. THINK about it.

So, no i am not being presumptious. Understanding and respecting social differnece is the key here.

 

orgasmictofu, yes you are polish, no you may be an alchoholic who likes pierogi, but i bet you still celerbrate some polish feativals and you still keep some of your polish roots. Family orientation is important.

 

QOUTE of researching cultural norms, which is fine if you're traveling to that country and want to know how the locals shake hands, why don't you try to get to know the person personally?"

 

Hahahaha.. He wants to date this girl, how can you simply say ignor her cultural norms? What is ok to you may be fundementally wrong in another culture.

 

Let me give you an example... At one time we invested a company in Papua new guinea and we hired local sales men to represent us over there. After 6 months we had a training seminere in Melbourne Australia. We sent 2 of them to melbourne. They were strangers to the society, after all they are from a 3rd world country. That night one of them went missing. Next day we contacted the police and found that he was in jail for RAPING a women in broad daylight. When asked why he did it, his reply is because he wanted sex with the woman and so she was obliged to give it to him.

 

NEver, never under estimate cultural difference, read learn and know what you are getting into, then make a decision.

 

So there are such things as cultural fundmental traits.

And in India, educaiton is one of the fundeental traits and it is pushed very hard on their children.

 

This doesnt make me a racist, it makes me recognise and understand the difference in society nd respect them. IF they are different fro the traits then i will treat then according, but fundementally her familystill have the traits and will push this on her.

[PocoDiablo]

Here's my take on it, cultural differences apart....

 

The fact that she is from India really complicates things... she came here for school, she hasn't been with any guys here, and she definitely puts a big value on studies... but she is beautiful and has an awesome personality too!

How does that complicate things? It doesn't, at least not in my opinion. People are people accross the world, and actions speak louder than words. Let's go over it:

 

The state of our interaction these days is that I see her probably once a week at least... it is always cool when we see each other, nice vibe, we both really smile a lot and have a good time, but are always with other ppl too, or are working for a club that we're both part of. We see each other at parties, it's cool, I always compliment her, kiss her on the cheek, her reaction is always good.... and she calls me/emails me way more than I do to her.

Okay, so you've known her for more than a few weeks and have never asked her on a date? You've friendzoned yourself. It's probably too late at this point, she just thinks you're a friendly guy.

 

Sometimes it feels like signals, but then it can be very confusing. Sometimes I wonder if she even knows how I feel about her, I feel like the games we are playing are incompatible... we are both dancing around something.

Yeah, she's waiting for you to ask her out!

 

Tonight something happened that bothered me though. I was talking to her on AIM, just a funny convo, and I was like "hopefully I'll c u this weekend, we should chill soon." she replied saying that she's not sure because she has a big final on tuesday. Now... I have seen her say the same things to her best friends, so it could be partially legit, and tests are stressful..

 

BUT... if she was into me, she probably would make time, right?

Right. But then again, you didn't ask her on a date, you asked her to "chill." What the heck is that? That's a waste of her time as far as she is concerned.

 

There are much busier girls who always want to see me, and I am into them too, so I am getting annoyed focusing on one girl that seems to be getting nowhere. I then said "hey, i'll call u, ur gonna need a study break" and she was like "yea sure, we'll c." * * *?

Yeah, friendzoned.

 

How would you interpret this? Either she is not interested in me that way, or she doesn't know how I feel about her? Keep in mind I laid the same game on her I do with American girls (the hot/cold, confusing * * * * which usually works)

Game? What are you doing playing games? If you plays games, someone is a loser, and in this case it seems like YOU are the loser. You don't know how to make your intentions clear and ask her on a date. Your games have made you waste weeks, maybe MONTHS, trying to figure this girl out. You should have been an upstanding and straight forward guy and asked her on a date. You'd either get a yes or an excuse, and then you would have known a long time ago. Instead, you got friendzoned and don't even know it. Games don't work on real women, and now that you've found one you're learning the hard way.

 

but with her I wonder if it's just come off as coy without my intentions showing. In India the guy always makes the first move and for a girl like this, dating is very rare (I am indian, born in the US).

Oh, did I mention you need to make the first move and ask her on a date? Yes, I think I did. Have you asked her on a date?

 

SO. I feel like this has been playing out for a while. I'm not just gonna sit back anymore and let it be static. Next time I see her, should I just tell her in a nonscary, friendly way that I like her and would like to take her out?

No and yes. Don't tell her you like her. Tell her she seems like a normal enough woman and you'd like to go out on a "date" with her to [place and time]. Have everything ready to go when you ask. Don't tell her you like her unless you want to get friendzoned hard.

 

Or should I stay friends with her and drop the relationship stuff...

Well, if you are already friends, it's going to be be hard to get to be more.

 

I am getting impatient because there are other great girls in my life that I am restraining from for what could be no reason, and I don't want to burn bridges with anyone. That is also scaring me.... this girl is close to a few girls I like..... am I getting myself in a world of trouble? I figure this is college and I should go for it, I got one shot.... and summer is coming so maybe peoples' minds will get cleared.

 

but if i go for her and she rejects, will that give her friends a negative impression of me????

No. They already have an impression that you like her but are too afraid to ask her on a date. If you get the guts up to ask, and get shot down, and don't stalk her or be rude to her they will see you're a real gentleman.

 

Go read this article I wrote:

 

Why you must ask her out on a date

link removed

 

and

 

Tips for your first date

link removed

 

Here's a snippet:

 

Now if you invite her out, you will get one of three responses, like in this example:

 

Him: Hey, it's Marcus, what's up?

Her: Nothing much, how are you?

Him: I'm great. Hey, how would you like to go on a date with me, say this Thursday to the wonderfully exciting Starbucks at 4th and G streets downtown, say Tuesday at 7:00? I hear they have monster truck racing that night.

 

Now, you will get one of three responses, as follows:

 

1. Acceptance

Her: Oooh, yeah, that would be great. I'll bring my ear plugs.

 

2. Acceptance with a counter offer

Her: Oooh, yeah, that would be great, but I have class that night. Can we do Wednesday instead?

 

3. Excuse (turn down)

Her: Oooh, yeah, that would be great, but I have class that night.

 

Notice the first two are acceptance, and she's going to be there. The third one, however, is an EXCUSE. Most women cannot just flat out say "Hey, you know what, I'm just not that into you, so I can't go on a date." or "No." basically. Instead, they give you EXCUSES.

 

Notice the first two options - a yes and a yes with an excuse BUT also a counter offer. This shows she is interested and wants to see you. But the third one ... no counter offer, just an excuse. Believe me I have heard all sorts of excuses, like...

 

> I have to have an important talk with my brother

> I'm not sure I can make it

> I have to work

> I have plans already

> I have to floss my teeth

 

Now you have two opportunities of what to do here. The first it to accept the fact that she may not quite like you yet, or at all for that matter. If you moved too fast and asked her on a date without making small talk and seeing if there was *any* chemistry there, then you deserve to get shot down. You cannot just walk up to a woman, talk for 30-60 seconds, and ask her on a date. You actually have to get to know her a *little* and see if you guys click. So, in that case, you accept the excuse and move on.

 

The second is to blow through the excuses. This is a show of confidence and may or may not work. In the past, I have heard every stupid excuse and I will totally call her on it. "What? That's the lamest excuse I have ever heard. Is that the best you can do?" or "Come on, I've heard that a million times. You really need to try harder to shoot me down." or "That was really sad. You're not doing anything, and I can tell. What, are you afraid to go out and have a good time? And here I thought you could have been a cool person!" Then you tease her for not being able to have a good time, and see where it goes. If you can do this with confidence you may get a date. But you still have a lot of work to do.

So, pull your socks up and stop playing games. Your game is weak, as far as I can tell, and you need to take things to the next level.

 

Good luck!

[NJRon]

I don't know why you are looking at this as all or nothing. Is there any reason not to be dating around? I mean, go ahead and ask this girl out on a date. But, why only ask her out on a date? No sense putting all your eggs in one basket, you may be passing up some perfect opportunities right now.

[GUnit23]

Thanks for the replies. As for interracial, she is from India, I am American of Indian origin, so some customs are different but we are the same ethnic group.

 

I have asked her out to dinner before and she declined saying she was so busy but she suggested coffee, which we could never really work out.... we did have dinner last week and it went well but we were working on a project... i flirted with her a lot... but again i don't know if it came accross as genuine or just friendly/joking stuff...hmmm

[Skippy]

coffee is a good start to a date. It gives you both an oppportunity to bail out if things go south. Take it easy. Sometimes dinner is just too big of a thing for some people

[orgasmictofu]

Skippy, I misunderstood the original post (or missed something). I didn't realize she was FROM another country. So if she is from another country, what I say still holds true as she was raised in India immersed in the Indian cultures.

 

Hahahaha.. He wants to date this girl, how can you simply say ignor her cultural norms? What is ok to you may be fundementally wrong in another culture.

 

I NEVER said ignore cultural norms. I still think it's a tad silly to depend exclusively on what you research about a culture to get to know an individual.

 

Yes, I hold on to my culture, but if I ever found out that someone did research about the Polish culture to get closer to me, I'd be so put off by it. Instead of learning about ME, they learn about my people in general. And if you've ever seen my posts around here, you'll clearly see I HATE generalizations.

[NJRon]

If that's the case I'm gonna quit my polka lessons then... *sigh*

[orgasmictofu]

If that's the case I'm gonna quit my polka lessons then... *sigh*

 

Hahahahaha! You just made my morning

[Skippy]

hahahah thats funny

 

Generalisation?? We are talking about cultural. Cultural and religion IS about generalisation. Hinduism is the majority religion in India, family, and social status is still the norm there. Irrigardless what you say, generalisation is a good place to start when i comes to approaching other people with different culture and heritage.

Again, it is not being racist to generalise. In fact when done corrctly it is the opposite. It educates. it is about taking the time to learn other people culture and respecting it so you dont measure other people to our own standards. You learn something out of it.

 

It is a persons choice to generalise the good qualities of a culture or only keep the bad ones. That is the difference between a racist and a open mindied person. There is also the closed minded person that doesnt want to learn anything about other people culture and measure people to their ownstandards and expect people to change.

 

Anyway, this is not about US and our opinions about generalisation. hahahaha

[Skippy]

GUnit23 vbmenu_register("postmenu_1002599", true);

 

it gives you an opportunity to learn about your hertitage then huh?? ask you mo / dad about approachs and the indian way of doing things. Yes they are old fashioned but they'll have insight to the indian "GAME" that is played, and let me tell ya, you are going to have a laugh at how funny it is.

[orgasmictofu]

Why are you laughing? I didn't find anything funny about what you said.

 

I'm holding firm that you should learn from the individual. Learn about them personally, and let them give you insight into THEIR OWN lives, and ask them about their perception of their own culture.

 

For example, someone can find out I'm Polish. Let's do a google search for Polish traditions.

 

Ah, here we go, link removed

 

Now, let's go down the list to New Year's Eve, It's called Sylwester (because in Poland the name day is more readily celebrated rather than birthday, and January 1st is Sylwester's name day). Yes, we celebrate New Year's Eve. You can wish me a Happy New Year. Looking down you get this:

 

"One important characteristics of New Year's Day was bread-baking. Different animals were shaped from the dough - sheep, rabbits, geese, cows. Godparents often gave these bread animals with best wishes to godchildren as presents"

 

So, based on what you have said, would you just assume that you would bake bread in the shape of a dog and give it to me on New Year's?

 

I would take it and be like "uh, thanks a lot, what the heck is this for?"

 

If you had just ASKED what my family does for New Year's, you would know that we have NEVER given or received baked bread in the shape of an animal and wouldn't understand the reference.

 

Do you get what I'm saying? Instead of just assuming based on what you have read about a culture, it's better, not to mention more fun, to learn about an individual's traditions and culture from them themselves.

 

What you are saying does hold true when you're traveling to a different country. Dude, I've taken international studies, and I was in an international business program, I'm not an idiot. It's useful to read up on the local customs if you're traveling, find out how to shake hands in the native way, if you should give a host/ess a gift and what's appropriate, what might be considered rude or not etc etc.

 

But when you're trying to get a girl, go straight to the source, her.

[Dating Coach]

GUnit23, I will have to say that she is not interested. For one, you've spent way too much time on this already. Two, you are correct, if a girl is interested she will find time to be with you. Maybe she was busy that time, but she didn't sound excited, she didn't counter offer you another time, she gave you a straight forward shut down answer. I suggest you move on before you get any more attached.

 

Visit link removed there will be a lot of advice there that will help you in the future. Such as AIM. Do not use it to chat with a girl you like. Chatting too much over such means and not doing enough personal face to face time is going to lead to friendzone.

[StarSteel]

Orgasmictofu and Skippy - if you feel like arguing back and forth about social customs and cultures, feel free to start a new topic, say, "Social Customs and their significance on dating relationships" or something, I dunno. But as entertaining as it is to watch you two battle back and forth for the last word, it's a little off the topic of what he's talking about.

 

GUnit, I disagree with diggitydogg on this - I think she's totally into you, and is just very focused on studies, like you said (whether or not it's a cultural thing). But be more direct. Cut the games - not necessary. Girls need to be spoken to directly, and guys need (for their own benefit) to learn to speak directly. But do HER a favor and don't bug her until after finals.

[Dating Coach]

GUnit, I disagree with diggitydogg on this - I think she's totally into you, and is just very focused on studies, like you said (whether or not it's a cultural thing). But be more direct. Cut the games - not necessary. Girls need to be spoken to directly, and guys need (for their own benefit) to learn to speak directly. But do HER a favor and don't bug her until after finals.

 

Well let's find out. GUnit, aks her out again, but work with her to find an actual free day. If she agree's to the date, go someplace romantic, and at the end of the night, kiss her. Then let us know the results. I hope that I am wrong because that would mean good things for you, but I don't see it.

[Skippy]

i'm having the last word.

Orgasmictofu.. if i gave you a bread shaped as a dog for new year, would you be insulted or just think that i made the effort??

If it was me, i would be impressed even though i didnt practice THAT tradition. The effort was made to know my culture.

 

No insult would have been taken, but you would get plus points for trying.

 

Rather then turning up on the door step, having nothing and finding out that you did celebrate that tradition.

 

Knowledge is power. Ignorance is just an excuss for laziness

[PocoDiablo]

I totally agree with DiggityDogg. If she were interested, she would make time. You've waited too long and wasted too much time. If you think otherwise, try to make a date with her. If you get an excuse, she's not into you.

 

If she really thought you were Mr. Wonderful and she's never met a better man, do you think she'd pass it up? I've seen some women drop out of school to be with the perfect man. I'm not saying she would, but think about that dynamic.

 

Go ask her out. Use the word "date" when you do ask her out. I would suggest a coffee date. Get to know her. Flirt. Joke. Have fun. And by all means go for the goodnight kiss. If you get it, you know she's interested. If you get a cheek kiss or anything less, you're likely done.