what's the best way to ask

[venus777]

if he is dating someone else in addition to me? we've been dating for more than a month. like 5 weeks or so. i guess basically this is an exclusivity conversation.

 

i would honestly like to ask this in the most lighthearted way possible, any ideas?

[bobo85]

Suggest to him that your ready for a relationship with him. Tell him your ready for something more serious. If he's not ready...you can either:

 

1. Wait until he's ready. Your gonna date other men too cuz its only fair.

 

or

 

2. Dump him and look for someone else that is willing to give you what you want.

[Dako]

Are you dating others?

[venus777]

no i'm not. and he hasn't asked me if i am.

[hoping]

hmm i guess im a lil too young to understand.....but what is the difference between dating and actually going out??? i would say "i dated a girl for 3 years" and it means the same as saying "i went out with a girl for 3 years.." u know what i mean?

[venus777]

but what does 'more serious' really mean?

[venus777]

oh the difference in dating is that it's just casual and you can be seeing multiple people as opposed to a relationship where you are committed to each other.

[miracle29]

You two have only been together for five weeks right? If this is so, then don't push the issue. You're not official until he says you are official. If he has not made it clear that he wants more... I'd suggest you dating others until he comes to you and says "I want you to only date me, and me only date you" but you don't want the decision to come from you. Let him take the initiative.

 

I think the problem with things today is that women always feel they need to call the shots and push things in the relationship area. But the truth is, when a man is ready , he will make it very clear. I don't care how shy he is.

 

Five weeks is quite early, you don't want to scare him away...let him do the chasing, you're worth him trying to conquer you!

[Dako]

Sorry.

I meant, ask him if he's dating others.

[bobo85]

definitions:

 

a date: romantic interactions. Usually conversation followed by food and maybe entertainment.

 

Asking someone out: asking them out on a date...not being bf/gf (not exclusive).

 

Dating (casual): seeing someone in a romantic way but not committed to that one person.

 

Dating (exclusive): a more serious relationship between two people. Usually bf/gf. A relationship with commitment.

[bobo85]

hmm i guess im a lil too young to understand.....but what is the difference between dating and actually going out??? i would say "i dated a girl for 3 years" and it means the same as saying "i went out with a girl for 3 years.." u know what i mean?

 

When someone says they have been dating a girl for three years...that usually means they have been dating them exclusively for 3 years (dating ONLY each other). Both mean the same thing.

[miracle29]

Are you ready for a commitment? Is he. Thats a nice way of asking without asking.

 

Try something like, "Whats your take on commitment, or just being with one person". If he asks why, say "i'm trying to get to know you, i want to know if you like to date around, or if you're looking for something a little more serious.

 

Whatever you do..don't reveal all your cards up front. Give him something to guess about you...He doesnt need to have you all figured out in only five weeks. That will create boredom in him..you want him to remain intrigued .

[tylercdurden2004]

.

 

Try something like, "Whats your take on commitment, or just being with one person". If he asks why, say "i'm trying to get to know you, i want to know if you like to date around, or if you're looking for something a little more serious.

 

Yeah he'll never guess what you're getting at! Probably wont even understand the word "commitment" since us men are too busy watching football, drinking beer and farting!

[venus777]

Sorry.

I meant, ask him if he's dating others.

See that's what I'm wondering. I mean, it's not such a big deal to ask that right? Honestly, I guess I don't play the mystery thing very well, I tend to be honest and less mysterious and upfront about my feelings, maybe I'm boring but I've always been that way......

[venus777]

and if it makes any difference, we've had sex a couple of times.

[miracle29]

You don't have to be a LIAR to be mysterious. And disclosing information about slowly instead of sounding desperate and over anxious is in no way shape or form.....a bad thing.

 

I think men respect a women who takes things slow. Some of them tend to run over a female who comes off too strong and wears her heart on her sleeve.

[LostInMyThoughts]

since us men are too busy watching football, drinking beer and farting!

 

Man, those are my three favorite pasttimes!

[venus777]

You don't have to be a LIAR to be mysterious. And disclosing information about slowly instead of sounding desperate and over anxious is in no way shape or form.....a bad thing.

 

I think men respect a women who takes things slow. Some of them tend to run over a female who comes off too strong and wears her heart on her sleeve.

 

In no way did I mean to imply it was wrong to reveal things slowly. I just tend to be upfront, I'm direct in general and it's hard for me to hold things back. Maybe I need to change, I don't know... but I tend to probably make myself more emotionally vulnerable that I should be I guess....

[tylercdurden2004]

Listen men are very simple creatures, so talk to him in simple terms. We dont appreciate the psycho babble and any attempt to "beat around the bush will get you just that type of answer. Keep it Simple S. The kiss principle.

 

I would do either of the following otions:

 

1) Say nothing enjoy yourself and see what happens, it is only 5 weeks into it.

 

2)Just ask him. If you are upfront chances are he will be upfront.

[miracle29]

Save that vulnerabilty for a little later down the road, but this early in the dating game, you have to investigate more about him before revealing everything about you. You don't want him to think he's got you pegged or like he can run all over you just because you want him to he exclusive. Guard your heart and let him open up to you a bit then...you can start reciprocating.

 

Don't give it all up so early, then what will he have to wonder about. He may get bored and start treating you like he's doing you a favor for being with you.

 

You never want to feel like you're the one doing all the work, and all the chasing and he's just reaping the benifits.

[LostInMyThoughts]

See that's what I'm wondering. I mean, it's not such a big deal to ask that right? Honestly, I guess I don't play the mystery thing very well, I tend to be honest and less mysterious and upfront about my feelings, maybe I'm boring but I've always been that way......

 

I think you should be direct.

 

I understand where miracle29 is coming from in that you don't want to push the issue; but I do believe you should make your thoughts known in a direct, respectful manner.

 

As tylerdurden said, most of us men are pretty dense, and it's hard for us to read between the lines.

 

As a football watching, beer drinking, flatulant dummy, I would like to hear something like "We've been seeing each other for the past 5 weeks. I really enjoy being with you, and I'd like to take our relationship to the next level. What do you think about becoming [dating] exclusive[ly]?"

 

Now you've let him know clearly that you want something more out of your relationship. I know its not easy to let yourself be vunerable, and it's a risk because he might not give you the answer you're really hoping for. Then again, you'll know more about your situation and sometimes clarity into a situation is all you'll need.

 

My main point, be direct with your feelings. Its not being pushy to tell someone what you want. After all, the squeeky wheel gets zee grease.

 

Good luck Venus!!!

[venus777]

After all, the squeeky wheel gets zee grease.

that's really cute.

I will let you all know how it goes.... thank you everyone for the advice. I will ask him, but not in a heavy way, just that i appreciate our friendship and it's just good for clarity so to prevent hurt feelings and things because our friendship is the most important to me. and it's true, cause we might end up working on some projects together so if we aren't gonna get serious it's probably best not to be playing with fire....

[miracle29]

Listen i'll put it in a better way and then i'll let you do what you feel you need to do..but hear me out on this one.

 

Do you know why men love sports? Because its competitive. They love not knowing who's going to win, and they love the game more when the opposing team puts up a good fight and goes into over time.

 

Name one man you know....who likes to know the score before the game. They don't want to know...they would rather wait the entire two hours of a game to figure out what the out come will be.

 

Now apply that to the dating game.

A man wants to guess a bit, he wants to figure you out. ANd most importantly he watches you to see if you'll be dependent on him. Most men don't like this. They like a woman who is independent, not needy and confident. And the men who do want needy womwn are not confident and usually use that type of a woman as a security blanket.

 

Now back to you. Keep in mind its only been 5 weeks. Now to a women, that feels like a very long time, but to most men, it feels like "Just five weeks" so give it atleast three months before you even attempt to imply that perhaps you'd like to be more then his date. Hopefully by then, he would have asked you out. ANd then you'll be glad you waiting it out.

 

Good luck with everything.

[tylercdurden2004]

Save that vulnerabilty for a little later down the road, but this early in the dating game, you have to investigate more about him before revealing everything about you. You don't want him to think he's got you pegged or like he can run all over you just because you want him to he exclusive. Guard your heart and let him open up to you a bit then...you can start reciprocating.

 

Don't give it all up so early, then what will he have to wonder about. He may get bored and start treating you like he's doing you a favor for being with you.

 

You never want to feel like you're the one doing all the work, and all the chasing and he's just reaping the benifits.

 

"So how do you feel about commitment?" = "so are you interested in being committed to me"

 

I wouldnt say that men are dense we just prefer to be spoken to in blunt simple terms. Not some "beat around the bush, I am afraid to offend, scare etc. you"

[tylercdurden2004]

I think you should be direct.

 

 

As a football watching, beer drinking, flatulant dummy, I would like to hear something like "We've been seeing each other for the past 5 weeks. I really enjoy being with you, and I'd like to take our relationship to the next level. What do you think about becoming [dating] exclusive[ly]?"

 

Now you've let him know clearly that you want something more out of your relationship. I know its not easy to let yourself be vunerable, and it's a risk because he might not give you the answer you're really hoping for. Then again, you'll know more about your situation and sometimes clarity into a situation is all you'll need.

 

My main point, be direct with your feelings. Its not being pushy to tell someone what you want. After all, the squeeky wheel gets zee grease.

 

Good luck Venus!!!

 

Yup! And Miracle, wouldnt an "independent" woman just ask the question or not even worry about whether he was dating someone else 5 weeks into a relationship?