Need Some Advise on 'The Perfect Plan' Route

[Rob1000]

A brief intro to my situation.

 

My ex called it a day on March 16th after 19 months together. We had been going through a patchy month or so, had a one-week-long break up in February but decided to give it another shot until that fateful day just over 2 weeks ago.

 

She made it clear that she still loved me and would love for things to be back they way they used to be, but felt she had lost the passion and didn't believe we were right for eachother anymore. And this was making her unhappy.

 

I thanked her for the memories and have gone into strict NC ever since. I have since heard from a part-mutual friend that she had been crying endlessly following the break up. I have been going out quite a bit, keeping myself busy and generally trying to get on with things. However, I still break down sometimes and I want really want to get her back, even if it's 6 months or a year down the line.

 

I hope to initiate some friendly, totally un-needy (no relationship talk) contact in a month or so (providing I'm emotionally stable by then) just to keep in touch and hopefully get back into her life slowly. And hopefully by having some fun, I can show to her that we can get things back to the way they used to be.

 

I've just read Majord23's 'The Perfect Plan' and I would appreciate any encouragement or advice that can be thrown my way on my situation or how to initiate that no-strings contact when the time comes.

 

Thanks guys.

 

Rob

[puppy]

Hi

 

I can understand how you are feeling right now. Although she misses you and you surely miss her as well. I would suggest the both of you take time off and agree to meet up again later on.

 

If what you have written is right about her losing that feeling for you, then you should try to understand where she is coming from, otherwise it is easy to get back together, but over time the problem will surface again.

 

Sometimes is so easy to get back together, but the headache await us when the problems grow. Hopefully you can see the point I am making. If she like to keep in contact with you, then take it easy. Otherwise, you should try to heal your broken heart and meet someone more suitable for you.

 

Good luck.

 

Woof Woof

[Rob1000]

Thanks puppy.

 

I definitely believe that time off would help mend the relationship. I just hope that she comes round to my way of thinking. Even if she were to call me and asked me back I think I'd prefer to us to take things very slowly, (i.e. meet up once every fortnight for a coffee) and see how we get on istead of jumping straight back into things.

[heloladies21]

Don't even worry about that future conversation because you don't even know if that's what you'll want down the road. You should be concentrated on talking to other girls and let your ex come to you if that's what she decides.

[majord23]

Your attitude is the most important thing in winning back an ex Rob, from two perspectives: Your actual attitude, and the way your ex perceives your attitude.

 

Your attitude You should view your interactions as someone who is trying to win a girl over for the first time NOT as someone who is trying to win an ex back. This should be reflected in your communication - when attempting to 'woo' a new girl, you keep your cards close to your chest; you don't let her know just how keen you are; you don't put your life on hold for her and you don't stop pursuing other women until you and her are an 'item'.

 

Your ex's perception To your ex, you should be someone who: is fun to communicate with; makes her feel good about herself; isn't jealous of others; doesn't have any baggage from ANY previous relationships (especially the one that you were in with her); is confident and attractive; is independent and not needy; has a degree of mystery surrounding them but who doesn't deliberately attempt to make her jealous.

 

Just think of your ex as someone that you would be interested in dating. Don't focus on the pain that she may have caused you, and don't be overly familiar. Treat her as an attractive stranger that you are just getting to know and that you may be interested in starting to see.

 

Afterall, I'm sure that's how you viewed her when you first met her...and I'm sure that's how you acted when you were interested in starting to date her.

AND most importantly....I'm sure that's how you won her over the first time too

[Rob1000]

Dude, you rule. I could listen your advise all night. This is the third time I've had my heart broken and you'd think it'd be easier to handle but its not. I've even won an ex-back before by putting all your advise to work. So I gotta heed it all over again.

 

I'm having a bad afternoon so I'm reading over all of this to keep me connected to reality. I gotta be focused!!

 

Any ideas on which form of communication I should use should I decide to say hello to her when I'm strong enough? Text, phone call, email?

[majord23]

Thanks mate

 

I know what you mean - Sunday afternoons are the worst. This is my fourth heartbreak and no, it doesn't get any easier. There have been times during this break-up that the only thing that gave me comfort was the fact that I had learned from the last 3, and wasn't making the same mistakes again.

 

It sounds like you know what works Rob - but I know that knowing what works is only part of the battle. The other obvious part is being able to stick to it....but possibly the most important (and too often overlooked) thing to remember is *patience*. This could be a very slow process and jumping the gun could undo alot of good work.

 

I've lost count of the number of times I've taken the right action in the past - but done it FAR too soon, either before I was ready or before I had let my ex have enough space. Patience was something I learnt from my last heartbreak. My ex started seeing someone soon after the break-up, so I felt as though I had to act fast...when in fact all I did was push her further towards him. I would have been better off giving her time to be with him, rather than attempting to win her over and show her that I was the better prospect. Another lesson I guess lol.

 

I would definitely use email mate. You can compose it, read it over, get others to give you an opinion, change it and then send it. And, if you are planning on contacting her in a few weeks, you can start writing it now....gives you time to perfect it, and it's also something to keep you occupied on Sunday afternoons

 

If she replies, it also gives you time to take in what she has said, get your thoughts together and compose another one. You can do so over a few days or a week - A call or text doesn't give you that luxury and leaves you open to having to think on your feet - you'll be more likely to say something that you may regret (not doubting you, just thinking of the potential pitfalls).

[Rob1000]

I would definitely use email mate.

Thanks again major..

 

Should the email be a very short one tho? I was thinking of texting initially. Just a quick short one saying just a quick hello.

 

Thing is, I know that she is afraid of getting in touch with me as she believes I would be cruel in my response. I just want someway of letting her know that she can contact me without any sour notes.

[enolaton]

Rob, Major is right.

 

When I re-initiated contact with my ex, I just IMed her. It allowed me time to think of my responses before actually responding - as opposed to being on the phone, and having to think fast and perhaps saying something I'd later regret. My ex called me on the phone just a few minutes after messaging her, and was happy to hear from me. Just take things slow... I'm still learning patience.

 

I do have to say, I don't suggest overthinking anything too much. Once you overplan something, it might not come out natural. Just come up with a basic plan and play it cool. Keep those emotions in check buddy.

[majord23]

Thanks again major..

 

Should the email be a very short one tho? I was thinking of texting initially. Just a quick short one saying just a quick hello.

 

Thing is, I know that she is afraid of getting in touch with me as she believes I would be cruel in my response. I just want someway of letting her know that she can contact me without any sour notes.

 

I'd still stick to email mate - and keep it relatively short. Don't tell her directly that she shouldn't be worried about contacting you, just let it be implied by the email you send her:

 

"Hey ex,

How are you? I hope work's ok and you're still causing havoc at

As for me, I've been keeping busy

 

Anyway, I'd better run...I've got old ladies to help cross the street and kittens to save from trees.

 

Rob"

 

By keeping it light, you are giving the impression that you are someone that she should not feel threatened by. You are upbeat and don't mention the relationship *at all*. You appear as though you are fine and dandy

 

The "How are you?" at the start is vital. Remember I said that you should imply that it is ok for her to contact you without directly saying it?

Well, the "How are you?" does just that. It is an invitation for her to reply, and she can do so without fearing your response...because the email certainly doesn't sound like it was sent by someone with a grudge to bear or by someone who wants to make her feel bad

[Rob1000]

I like it. Especially the kittens in trees bit. Maybe I'll start writing it now!!

 

I'm just hoping that she initiates contact with me first. Even in an email like that one. It would be so much sweeter.

[GeeCee]

Thanks for your message Rob. I don't think that there is any more that I can add to Majord's pearls of wisdom. He has covered all bases!!

 

I agree with him totally - email is the only way to intitate contact now. But do not blather on endlesslessly about all you are doing - that will appear to contrived.

 

Personally, I would keep it very short and very sweet. Something along the lines of .....

 

'I thought of yesterday ... was listening to the radio and singing along to ?? (insert song of significance to you both, but definitely an upbeat one with a good memory).

 

Are you keeping well?

 

Rob x'

 

The intention is that she will receive a non-threatening and open email from you that might just stir up some feelings of nostalgia. You have also given her the green light to respond by asking how she is.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

The

[Rob1000]

Thanks GeeCee,

 

If and when the time comes, thats probably how I'll do it.

 

On a good note however, today is day 19 of NC. I'm feeling a little stronger, and beginning to feel that I will be strong enough to let go and not contact her at all. And if she does thats fine, I'll handle it accordingly. But today I'm definitely feeling as though I will be strong enough to maintain NC.

 

One day at a time!!

 

Rob