37 weeks pregnant and my husband doesnt help me!!

[sugarbaby18]

im 17 and 37 weeks pregnant and I moved to norway 3 months ago to live with my bf and we just got married. Not everything was perfect before but over the last week he has turnt really nasty. he doesnt care if im upset and usually makes me worse by saying horrible things. I cry in bed next to him and he just falls asleep. he doesnt even seem like he wants to be close to me any more. sometimes he starts sex then he just stops and that really annoys me. he is only 19 but he should still be able to look after me properly. I dont know what to do i get so angry with him sometimes that i push him or hit him not very hard but its just to wake him up or get something from him because otherwise he just doesnt take any notice. he is lazy and he doesnt do anything i ask him to do unless i get upset when he doesnt do it then he shouts at me because im upset. I hurt myself a few times because im alone in this country without him and his family and he should care more. I cant get away from him and if i threaten to go home he doesnt care. he says he loves me and most of the time things are ok but im worried about my baby's health because of the amont of stress he puts me under. can anyone help??

[Mrocza]

Why did you move out with him on your own? Was your family unsupportive of your pregnancy?

 

Has he always been emotionally abusive...you said it has turned really nasty especially, but why didn't you call him out on it earlier in the relationship?

 

Are you sure you want to raise your child in this kind of environment. Is there anywhere else you could go? Get an annulment?

[zpivat]

He sounds very immature, selfish, and irresponsible. Completely unready to have a baby and even wife.....

You should have a heart to heart talk to him, your parents, and his.

 

I REALLY wish I could do something to alleviate your pain though!

[RayKay]

Threatening to get away won't do much, actually GETTING AWAY will. In that it will give YOU a life free from this emotional and verbal torment. Honey if he is ignoring you, and you are hurting yourself from the pain of it all this is NOT healthy. It's even worse as you are "cut off" by distance from your friends and family.

 

He's abusive, and him telling you he loves you does not change that, nor does the fact sometimes things are okay, this is not healthy, and you do NOT want this life for you or your baby.

 

Are you in touch with your family?

[sugarbaby18]

he isnt a bad guy he just doesnt care enough, maybe its just my horemones?

 

I moved here because of the baby, my husband lives here and he couldmt move to me because he has a schollarship here, my family are ok with the baby.

 

Im tired of playin mind games with him I just want us to be happy again

[RayKay]

Um, saying horrible things, shouting at you and using sex as a means of 'control' basically are not things 'nice' guys do. I am not sure what is going on, but it's not something that you should excuse just because of your hormones either....there is no reason for someone to say 'horrible' things in your words to you.

 

Maybe you two should be going to marital counselling together?

[sugarbaby18]

i cant go to marital councelling. I came here with no money and I dont speak the language, he promised he would take care of me but now im here he doesnt treat me like b4, its like now we are not living long distance anymore he can do and say what he wants to me, when he doesnt get his way he says he is disappointed in me and when I say I dont want him to do something he will do it any way.

 

his friends complain to him about me bevcause he hardly sees them anymore and i get the blame for it I tried to talk to them and make them understand that its hard for me and as soon as we are settled things will be better but they still carry on.

 

last night my husband told me he wants his friends and he wants to hang out with girls. he told me when i was upset so i got more upset. i dont need the stress now and he knows it. i love him so much but i dont want to stay if this is how things are.

[RayKay]

Honey,

 

This really does not sound good. I know you want to believe in him, but the truth is you are now finding out the REAL him now that you are around each other so much and married.

 

It's a bad position to be in too as you are in a foreign country and effectively cut off from friends and family.

 

He sounds pretty emotionally abusive to me.

 

What do you mean he wants to hang out with other girls - as friends or more? As friends, that's one thing...but anything more and yikes...

 

If loving him and being with him is costing whom YOU are, it's time to leave honey, love is not one sided.

 

You are SOOOO young. Don't put yourself and your baby into a lifetime of this.

[sugarbaby18]

I met him 3 years ago in England and we hung out everyday for 9 months until he had to go back to Norway. He was really kind and loving and everything was so special. After he went back we only saw eachother a few times a year and we broke up once or twice but when he came back to visit me last June, I got pregnant with his baby. I asked him if I should abort and he said no. I love him so much no matter what he does if I didnt I wouldnt have married him. He promised to look after me if I can here and when I first moved over in January he did look after me very well. I used to suffer with agoraphobia but I over came it not long after I got pregnant so Im not used to being around people still even though im ok with it. His friends started to get angry because we didnt go out to see them as often as he used to and they put the blame on me. Im a little bit better now but I still dont know many people here or whatever apart from his friends and a few girls i have met and spoken too so I dont get to hang out much with people cus they are scared sometimes of the language barrier. His best friend Atle used to call everyday and ask if we could go out to him and hang out and it really annoyed me, I like the guy but its so boring just sitting there not doing anything for hours while they talk in Norwegian about guy stuff!! He got annoyed because my husband kept sayin that he didnt wanna go out to him because I would be bored and he called him at work one day and said things about it to him and told my husband he wasnt happy that since i came here they hardly see eachother. The girls here are mainly * * * * *y apart from a few that I know and the girls that my husband knows arent good for him they cut themselves and try to kiss him (he doesnt do anything with them i know that for sure!). I just feel like Im spinning half the time trying to make everyone happy.

 

1) my husband

2) my baby

3) friends

4) family

 

and when I pay attention to one of those points the other 3 seems to get angry I cant win! and on top of it all im stressed about the labour cus its just 3 weeks until that happens and im scared because I miss my family and im so far away from them. everything and everyone here is totally differnt to what what im used to and I dont know who I am or what Im doing anymore!

[RandomAdvisor]

There are so many issues here.

 

Meddling friends that your husband isn't willing or able to stand up to. He should tell his friends that he is a married man now, with a baby soon on the way. He has responsibilities to you (his wife) that he needs to meet. You should come before everything else for him right now. And if his friends can't understand that or wont respect that, then he should drop them as friends.

 

You're very young to be getting married and having children. For you this situation is very real, and you are going to be a mother for the rest of your life. For your husband however, he gets to escape with friends and shirk his new responsibilities to you. I'm assuming he isn't much older than you if at all. I don't think he's ready to be a husband or a father, and it shows.

 

And on top of all of that, you are now in a foreign country where you don't speak the language.....

 

I really have to agree with Raykay here. The situation you are in would be difficult under the best of conditions. But they're not the best of conditions, because your husband is immature, somewhat abusive, and doesn't show any signs of reaching out to you to make things work.

[sugarbaby18]

I dont blame him for being immature because he is only 19 years old and many times we have a lot of fun and there is alot of love between us but its the underlying issues which keep coming back up that stand in our way like his friends.

[RandomAdvisor]

The whole friends thing reminds me of another thread on the infidelity forum. Here, I quoteth the red headed vixen of good advice Raykay:

 

I firmly believe that your girlfriend would not change into something she is not, unless she is choosing to do this herself. Friends can pressure you all you want, but if it's not in you - it's not in you. If it is, then it just gives you more reason to pursue it.

 

The thread that is taken from is here. The OP has a girlfriend away at school who is being "changed" by her friends, and has cheated on him.

 

Back to your situation though, what it all comes down to is a choice. Your husband is choosing his friends over you, his pregnant wife. No one is putting a gun to his head. And "I want to hang out with girls," why does he have to say something like that?

[Mrocza]

I just feel like Im spinning half the time trying to make everyone happy.

 

1) my husband

2) my baby

3) friends

4) family

 

and when I pay attention to one of those points the other 3 seems to get angry I cant win! and on top of it all im stressed about the labour cus its just 3 weeks until that happens and im scared because I miss my family and im so far away from them. everything and everyone here is totally differnt to what what im used to and I dont know who I am or what Im doing anymore!

 

 

Why aren't YOU on that list? Making YOU happy. That should be number one.

[songcraft]

Hello sugarbaby. This sounds extremely hard for you. Your life is changing in lots of ways, and fast. It sounds as though you don't really have anyone in your community supporting you. It was a good move to join a forum and seek support that way.

 

As a parent, one thing I've found is that your values change. Everything revolves around that kid! The baby needs a community of people that want to support and nourish him or her, and do the same for YOU. I think you will know in your heart what needs to be done to take care of that baby. I would caution against moving or leaving the country; it's a major stress-builder. I believe you can find your "tribe" of supportive people anywhere, even if you don't speak the language. Can a hospital or birthing center provide a parent's group of some kind? How about midwives and doulas? These can all be incredible resources. You need people! I guess you will need to decide how long you can wait for your husband to wake up. I was not ready when my wife got pregnant, and I was pretty useless with the baby and with my wife's needs, but your husband's abusive behavior is very worrisome. He may be in some denial about having a wife and child; I was. But my wife knew that I was committed to staying with her and taking care of the baby, even thought I didn't really know how. Your husband needs to make that committment too. Any chance that he will seek some support or advice on marriage and parenting?

 

One other thing: several posters have noted your age. It IS overwhelming when you're really young and going through all this, but age is no obstacle to being a great parent. I have a friend who got pregnant at 16. Today she has five kids and is the best mother I know! The baby she had at 16 is in college now, a happy confident young man.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself,

 

Songcraft

[Sphenic]

Just read through the posts here, and i am a but upset about how things have been understood and how i have been judged.

 

The last week we have argued allmost every night. For hours and hours. It is usually about small things, that we missunderstood, or things we disagree on. Last night the biggest issue was that I said that I wanted to hang out with girls. I know i could have said that different, and i regret that a bit now. But the story behind it all is that i sendt an email to an exgf and good friend a month before she came over saying how I had been for the last months and thanks for helping me out when i needed it a few years ago. and that i cared about her and would not forget what she had done for me. Candy read that email and it broke alot of her trust in me. I can understand that, and I stopped hanging out and talking to girls in hope of gaining some trust back. But i now realise that it may not be the best thing to do. If i want her to trust me i have to prove that she can trust me with girls, and how do i do that if i never hang out with any girls?

 

Since she came to live with me arround new year I have sort of stopped having a social life. I used to hang out with my friends several times a week earlier, and when she came over I dropped them to take care of her. She didnt have any friends here, and everything was different for her. But after a while my two best mates started asking when we got to hang out and I kept having to say sorry i cant. In the beginning I was not aloud to go see them because Candy didnt want to hang out with them. I can also understand that it is not interesting listening to people speaking a different language. And i tried to speak English sometimes, but my mates arn`t that good speaking English and turned the conversation into Norwegian when they came accross a word or something they didnt know how to pronounce.

 

I have the last 3 months seen one of my best friends only a few times, and every sunday for two hours when we go to a meeting. I do work alot and that can be blamed for alot of the reason, but i think she wants me to hang out with him as well as be with her. But there is not alot of free time.

 

What i meant by saying that i want to hang out with girls is that I have friends, and some of them are girls. And if we dont hang out with people and have friends then we are going to be all alone, everyone needs friends, at least i know i do. And if i hadnt said it I thought that when I eventually asked if i could hang out with a friend a girl, she wouldnt think something like...

..oO( Why does he all of a sudden want to hang out with girls, he never used to want to do that before, whats going on?)

 

I sorta expect to be attacked after this post, since I am the bad guy in this storry. And that is ok. Some of it I know there is truth in, and its good to get it out. And some is missunderstandings and not quite right, but I hope this will help the readers understand a little bit more, and maybe give better adivces.

 

02.04.2006 - William

[RandomAdvisor]

 

The last week we have argued allmost every night. For hours and hours. It is usually about small things, that we missunderstood, or things we disagree on.

 

To hear this coming from anyone is a sign that the relationship is probably near it's end. I've been with my GF for five years and we never argue. There are disagreements, but they are settled without any anger, shouting, or name calling. If you two are going to make this work, you need to learn how to resolve simple issues without it turning into a fight.

 

 

Last night the biggest issue was that I said that I wanted to hang out with girls.

 

Wanting to hang out with girls is all well and good, and the explanation you give for it is perfectly reasonable. You're right, we shouldn't have to worry about our partners being with members of the opposite sex. And if you had explained it that way, it wouldn't be so bad. But when you simply say "I want to hang out with girls," the statement loses its original meaning. Whether it was conscious or unconscious, I think you meant to hurt her when you said it like that because you were angry. That kind of behavior isn't constructive to a relationship. You shouldn't ever want to hurt the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with.

 

 

 

But the story behind it all is that i sendt an email to an exgf and good friend a month before she came over saying how I had been for the last months and thanks for helping me out when i needed it a few years ago. and that i cared about her and would not forget what she had done for me.

 

OK, honestly now, if you were me, and you read that a recently married man sends an ex GF an e-mail "out of the blue" telling her he cared for her and that he would never forget her...what would you think? You'd probably think he was trying to initiate an afair. I'm not saying that's what you were trying to do because I can't know that for sure, but I'm sure you can appreciate how your wife must have felt when she found out about that. She had every right to lose trust in you after that.

 

What would you think if she e-mailed an ex BF telling him how much she cared for him and how she'd never forget him?

 

 

 

Since she came to live with me arround new year I have sort of stopped having a social life. I used to hang out with my friends several times a week earlier, and when she came over I dropped them to take care of her.

 

 

This is what happens when you're married with kids. It's a lot of responsibility and I know it must be hard for you, but you have to realize that if you are going to make this marriage work - and more importantly - provide your child with a healthy loving environment, this is what it's going to take. Not being able to hang out with your friends at all seems a bit extreme, but I can understand where all your time is going if you have to work when you're not at home helping your wife.

 

And look at it from your perspective. At least your family and friends are nearby. Your wife left her native country to be with you. She doesn't even speak the language. What you're going through, she is probably going through 10 times worse. I bet she feels like a prisoner trapped in her own home.

 

 

 

You two really need to sit down together and discuss these things without anger. I think you should both individually decide if this marriage is the best thing for both if you. Are you two really compatible for the long haul? It may have seemed that way for the short three months you were together a couple of years ago. But extended time together and living with someone really sheds a lot of light on things. So, do both of you think you can really make this work? Or were you just forced together by circumstances? If after some reflecton either one of you doesn't think this can work, then at this point I think it's best for you to cut your loses and move on, while both of you do what you must to insure your child is well taken care of. A loving single parent home will be much better than a dysfunctional two parent home - trust me, I know. My parents stayed together "for the kids" and it was a huge mistake. They should have divorced before I was even born. You're both very young so it's understandable if either of you think this can't work. Don't let anyone else (family, friends) pressure you into staying together if you know it's not best for you. You're both too young to condemn yourselves to a life of misery just because someone else thinks marriage is the best thing for you.

 

BUT, if you think you can work it out, then you both have to see what has to be overcome in order to do that. I think marriage counseling would be great for you. I know the language barrier is a problem, but you might be able to find a therapist that speaks both languages if you look around. If you remain together, the #1 thing your wife needs to do is learn the language. You should help her with that. You might also consider moving to her country instead, since you do speak English. She packed up her whole life for you. Maybe you can do that for her. Was there any consideration for you possibly moving instead of her when you decided to marry?

 

You need to put your wife and child above any friends you may have. If your friends don't understand that or respect that, we have a saying here in America....

 

"**** 'em."

 

Come to think of it, I think that's international.

 

Make a list. Identify the problems. Discuss solutions.

 

Whatever you decide to do, you both have to realize that this needs to be taken very seriously. These problems aren't going to fix themselves.

[sugarbaby18]

thanks for your advice someguy_282, we were together in my country for 9 months not 3 and we saw eachother everyday and things were not perfect but it was a good time and I fell in love with him. now 3 years later I still love him as much maybe even more then I did back then and I respect that people change espiecially when they are young. We argue because of our circumstances and problems which are hard to overcome, I do not want to leave my husband because I love him and I know we can work through these things if we werent so stubborn. We come from different places with different cultures and what he thinks is ok I could say its wrong and he could say the same to some things that I say. My husband is my life I love him very much if I didnt then I wouldnt be here in his country pulling every string I can to get his people to like me. Friends can come and go but Im his wife I will be with him forever and support him no matter what.

 

The email that he sent his ex was back in december one month before I moved here but I found it a month after I moved here and it broke my heart, The girl he emailed was a good friend of his in the past and his ex girlfriend and when me and him got back together after a short break up last summer (which is when he was going out with her) he promised he would not have any contact with her.... his argument now is that an email is not contact its sending information. I disagree. However when we got married the judge said that we should except eachothers pasts and I have excepted her but not forgotten how much it hurt me to read that mail and how much it hurt when 1 month b4 i come here to live with him he was emailing her.

 

The friends thing was an issue 2 months ago which has been made to sound worse then what it is. I do not trust him because of the email thing and I do not trust the girls that he hangs out with because one girl tried to kiss him one night. He can hang out with girls but I want to get to know thema nd trust them before he can hang out on his own with them. His guy friends are into drinking and doing guy stuff so I dont really wanna sit there doing nothing for hours while they watch some wr film or play cards. He can have friends and he can see them when he wants, but if he chooses not to go out to see them why should I get the blame?? I said he can go if he wants to and I will stay home and do nothing and he said no, then they call him sayin that I never let him out. I went to see his best friend 4 times last week because he is lonely and William was working late almost everynight and it still wasnt good enough.

 

When I am with my husband everything is ok but when he is with other people he hardly talks to me and I just sit there like a melon staring into spae wishing my friends were here. If he said to me in England I dont want to go out to Holly's or Kelly's tonight then I would say ok and drop them in a second to be with him but I would want to know why.

 

William is a very generous and loving guy but unfortunately he is stubborn and a little bit lazy, I love him no matter what I refuse to think that our relationship is coming to an end just because of a few arguments. I think horemones and stress cause alot of our problems and if we were left alone we would be fine 99% of the time. But we are young and we have commitments to eachother, to our baby and him to his work and education and me to him and making sure everything is going ok in our lives plus our friends.

 

It was concidered that he should come to live in England but Norway has so much more for our child, and William has to work until the end of this summer to finish his education as an apprentice.

[RayKay]

I agree with someguy's advice - it's spot on and very accurate!

 

If you want this to work, you are going to have put the work into it. Those little arguments day after day will corrode the love you have, so learn how to communicate and compromise now, before you get to that point. Marital counselling is a great idea.