Is she playing games with me? Or am I just really stupid?

[Meiso]

Hey guys I was really hoping I could get your advice on my current situation. I have known a girl for about 10 months. We work together on most weekends for at least a night or two. I always liked this girl, but at first paid little attention to her. From what I remember of the time, she was sweet to me and perhaps flirty. I was later approached by some common friends who asked if I had picked up on the flirting. I'm clueless in the relationship department, and was surprised to hear how many people were convinced that this girl was completely infatuated with me. They all suggested that I ask her out because we'd make a cute couple, and we'd make each other happy. One night while she was out of town, I mentioned in instant message that I liked her a little more than friends. The response I got in return was that she didn't feel the same. It was just a friendship for her. She explained that she was in fact attracted to me, and being with me would cause her to feel self-conscious. She continued to explain that nothing needed to change, she loved our relationship and wouldn't dare risk it. Fine. I'm mature. I wasn't simply out for a lay, so I went along with it. After about two weeks of barely talking, we seemed to click again. The thing I found confusing was we started hanging out MORE than ever before, and more often in private than before. Instead of nights at the bar with our friends and co-workers, she was now coming over to my home, watching movies and talking with me until the early morning hours. Some weekends she'd call me each day, when she woke up, just to talk to me. Under the impression we were playing the "friend" thing, I would sometimes back off when she would physically flirt with me, and she would respond with "Oh you love it when I touch you, don't be silly!". Many nights we'd end up out, just the two of us, separated from our friends. She'd feed me food with her hands, and tell me I'm "cute" and "funny". That brings me to the second encounter. She was the only girl I was spending time with. I was the only guy she was spending any time with. We did our own social thing separate to each other often times, but as far as man-to-woman time, we were dedicated. At the time I thought she was still flirting, or sending mixed signals, so I asked her in another e-mail. The response I got was that I was wrong, and if she was being too "friendly" she could distance herself. I let it slide. Partly because of my fear of being alone, and partly of my fear or losing the friendship that we have. Just as before, it was AFTER this encounter she started spending MORE time with me. Two days after, we had spend the night out with mutual friends and ended up drinking alone. She was touching me a lot, flirting, smiling... We were acting like such a couple that were approached more than once by people telling us what a cute couple we were. Anyway. Here we are today. We still have our long phone calls. She comes over for late night conversations and movies. We talk about more personal issues, our pasts and futures. If she is under the impression I may have been out with other girls, she acts all interested, but in reality she questions me more than would be normal for a friend... Always telling me that I probably have "Secret girlfriends". Anyway... The other week she came over and we made dinner together. Just the other night we were out together after work, just the two of us, talking like it was breathing. I had previously hid a piece of jewellery in her car as a gift with a note to tell her that I appreciated her, and thanked for her lightening up my life. I guess that brings me to now. I really do want the friendship, but am I wrong to think she's playing some games with me? If a girl knows a guy wants something more than friendship, is it right to get closer to him if she has no plans to make something of it? What about accepting money and gifts? Even if the gifts are honest intetions of friendship, shouldn't women set certain boundaries to what is right to take? I know I couldn't keep what we have if she was with another guy... Because like I said, it feels like we're a couple now, with the exception of any physical acts. What should I do? Give her an ultimatum? Should I fly below the radar and be unavailable? Does it sound like I'm being taken for granted? Thanks in advice for any advice you guys can offer.

[segagirl]

Hi there,

 

So have the two of you ever talked about this in person? I think that you need to address this face-to-face, skip the email. Email is not personal enough for this topic.

It is really hard to tell if she is "playing games." It is not likely she would spend as much time with you as she does if it was just a game to her. However, she may in fact think of you as a good friend, and to her she has made that clear to you with words. So I say, one more time...IN PERSON.... talk to her about how you feel. If she says, nope-just friends...then I say yes, you need to take a step back.

Unless you can just accept that this is the way she treats her friends.

[Meiso]

Well... I forgot one part. We have casually talked about what it'd be like to see other people. One time I told her that I wouldn't care if she was with someone else, because I'd just want her to be happy, and she told me to "Shut up". lol... I guess that kind of put me off the convo. Thanks for the advice though. In person sounds like the key.

[Zoe10]

My personal opinion is she knows what she is doing. I think that most girls know just exactly what theyre doing. Its not uncommon for girls to 'play' guys. If I knew a guy was interested I would and have in the past made it clear that I am not interested romantically, and I would certainly not flirt... as I would see that as being cruel, and I would not like that done to me.

 

BUT, I might be wrong about your lady friend. So please only consider what I am saying. Maybe she has feelings for you, but is scared to enter into a relationship. That crossed my mind by her comment "being with me (you) would cause her to feel self-conscious." Maybe there are deeper issues.

 

Either way you deserve to know, like the previous response I suggest you confront her. If she insists that she is only interested in your friendship, maybe think about letting her know how you perceive her comments/body language/flirting etc...

 

Good luck

Zoe

[Meiso]

Bleh... Haven't heard from her in two days. Messaged her tonight and she told me how she's been spending time with other guys, just as friends. She knows this would make me jealous, and acted like she couldn't understand why I'd care. Her words were pretty sharp with me, and she sounded like she was bothered that I asked what she was up to. I was just curious, and she responded with "Oh well we're just friends... I can't have friends??"... I insisted she was acting differently with me, she denied it and responded that I "obviously don't know her at all". This is the first time she's ever been so confrontational with me. It almost seems like she was trying to make things uncomfortable, push me away, or start an argument. Is it possible that this was her goal? She wouldn't even meet me to talk about in person. This is terrible. I'm crushed.